Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta, everyone… got along to support Princess of THOTlessland Vs. The Volcano! Oh – also Kenya Moore and Phaedra Parks finally ended their years-long feud over the truthiness of Apollo Nida!
The girls are still in Manila at the uber 5-star peace and progress drama rehab. It’s minutes before they’re supposed to check out but Kenya is still soaking up that last 5 minutes of attention whoring (see what I did there?! LOL) by wandering around the pool in a bikini showing her butt crack to maximum Maxim. What was it Krayonce was screaming about coochie and butt crack? Anyway — that’s all in the past – she wants us to conveniently forget all of her past indiscretions. Hey I will, I want to, let’s move ON! However, if Kenya wants to show Porsha Williams that while she is the one dressed like a THOT on instagram, Kenya was a THOT of the oldschool on such magazines as STUFF and FHM, I’ll go along.
Kenya twirls back to her suite, escorting Claudia Jordan and Cynthia Bailey, the smoke in her tilt-a-twirl’s line of fire. There they discuss the marvel of Phaedra finally talking to Kenya! Claudia secret-smiles over how amazing she is for bringing peace to the group, then our simpering sycophant tells Kenya how much she deserves the apology for all she has put-up with. OK, seriously?
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Then Kenya yanks on an under-boob mu-mu to compete with Porsha’s gynecological-length mini-dress and they all hop on a bus to the next hotel, somewhere else in the Philippines. Somewhere… shoppingish.
Without their fearful leader NeNe Leakes, Phaedra and Porsha are happy to get along with everyone, embrace the positive spirit, and enjoy the trip. Kandi Burruss is her own island – a woman without a team, but on the bright-side few enemies. She is blissfully unaware thanks her yogap (yoga-nap) that stateside NeNe is hatching a plan to destroy Kandi. It is Kandi she envisions when she is channeling all of the evil and venom needed to play Madame on Broadway.
Yes, NeNe is in NYC preparing for Broadway. She lugs her hired hand, errrrr hired husband Gregg out from the basement to accompany her to costume fittings. Alas, when all your frienemies have betrayed you for a Dr. Jeff sponsored getaway on bonding and togetherness, what else is a girl to do?
In the dressing room NeNe tries on her series of custom-made couture costumes inspired by the Medicis of Renaissance Italy. NeNe nods vacantly because, despite having the coins to get custom-made RUNNNNWAY, she’s unused to wearing such elaborate garments. When the designer asks her to twirl, she freaks out – DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! Twirl is SHE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED’S WORD AND IS NOT AN ON BROAAAADWAY WORD. Residual trauma from what happens in ATL, does not stay in ATL, but NeNe is not bringing the twirl to NYC! She spins instead.
Back in the Philippines the ladies check into a new hotel and are issued a personal valet named Dante. First they’ll be visiting a volcano, which is ironic all things considered, which they’ll arrive at via horseback. Someone, ahem, Porsha PoorTaste got confused – when the schedule said “riding adventure” she thought they were headed to a party at the Playboy mansion to ride something else and wore some mesh lingerie “covered-up” with trompe l’oeil denim “shorts.”
Trying to prove the junk in her trunk is real, even if her shorts are optical illusions, on the bus into the jungle Porsha and Demetria McKinney launch into a “twerk-off.” Was anyone else worried the bus was going to tip over?! Clearly that was not safe?! Kandi observes that Porsha has some hairs dangling out of the bottom of her “shorts”! Well Porsha does own a company called Naked Hair…
Phaedra is dismissive of twerking as trashy. “I would rather do something smart with my booty,” she quips. Something smart like Apollo? On an air mattress in the ghetto at 2am?
Did anyone else forget Demetria was even on this trip until we saw her in a booty-off with Porsha? And what is it with RHOA and booty wars? I feel like Snoop Dogg needs to start judging this for some sort of Middle-Aged Mamas Gone Wild contest?
Over horseback riding Phaedra was overcome by some sort of divine intervention which made her soften up, let down her embalmed emotions, and acted like a person. I bet it was the humidity. When Cynthia had a panic attack over riding a miniature pony (PTSD from being married to Peachter?), Phaedra encouraged her. And through the jungle they went, up a volcano, where Porsha was crowed Princess of THOTland, no thoughts required! Then they all hit golf balls that symbolized peace into the abyss. The abyss is usually where zen goes on RHOA, so again ironic.
At the bottom of the mountain Phaedra reaches out to a single-mother of 5 whose husband passed away. She empathizes with the woman’s pain and self-perseverance and palms her some money to help. It was nice. It unnerved me because it seemed genuine and nice.
Then all the ladies explore the market where they touch odd fish and fruits that Porsha deduces can be used as a dildo after a minute in the microwave. Something even Bedroom Kandi wouldn’t try…. yet. I mean it does give her some ideas…
Back at the hotel, Claudia hosts a pajama party. Meanwhile Phaedra and Kenya are missing. Yes, after getting an iPhone exorcism from Pastor Thad complete with some Bluetoothing holy water, Phaedra is fortified to face the literal incarnation of Satan, the harlot from hotlanta. Ironically, Kenya keeps her room super hot. “I like it warm,” she giggles, to which Phaedra confirms, “I prefer it cold.” Opposites attract (Cue now: Paula Abdul dancing in a cheetah-print jumpsuit with an animated leopard! #MTV The Music Video days flashback).
Back in Claudia’s room the ladies are going to town with the room service menu and demanding poor Dante give them massages and other favors. Does Dante get paid extra for being sexually harassed in the inferno of thirsty Housewives? Kandi is certain Phaedra won’t be apologizing to Kenya and is shocked this conversation is even happening. The other women think this is finally the time Phaedra will apologize. Kandi and Porsha launch into reenactments of Phaedra and Kenya’s conversations – which they’ve seen over and over again. It was hilarious and spot-on. This should be Kandi’s next play – people might actually watch it!
Of course the conversation mostly goes around in rational and calm circles about how Kenya wants Phaedra to exonerate her from all the “whores” accusations. When referring to Kenya and her multiple personalities, whore is now in the plural form of “whores.” Ladies doth protest too much.
However, Phaedra does apologize. And it seemed sincere. She explains she can’t turn back time, and that she mostly acting out of hurt because she believed she and Kenya were developing a friendship which then spiraled into Kenya developing an animosity and leveling some serious accusations accompanied by salacious behavior towards Apollo, however she is over it and done with it and is sorry.
Phaedra was supporting her husband and had to believe him or he’d threaten her with a drill. Of course, now things have changed and she only maybe believes Apollo – she’s not emphatically certain Kenya didn’t behave whorish-lessly or with whores intent. Did Kenya accept the apology? Not at first – because even though Phaedra apologized, does she truly understand Kenya isn’t “every whore in the world?” There are others of them out there! I believe Phaedra now knows nothing happened between Kenya and Apollo even if she doesn’t explicitly say it, and I think she won’t ever admit that, because sometimes denial is a necessary emotional armor.
But also, here’s the thing: I hear what Kenya is saying about being called a whore hurt her, and was undeserved, but I do not HEAR Kenya taking ownership of the things SHE said and did to Phaedra! All the “Whore-Mooring” came after Kenya behaved inappropriately, made fun of Phaedra mercilessly, threatened to beat her while she was pregnant, etc. etc. etc. And YES, I know Kenya has apologized, but if Kenya really wants to move on, she has to start by actually moving on instead of repeatedly accusing Phaedra of being the one who won’t move on. Hello – wasn’t this all covered in therapy with Dr. Jeff?! Kenya cannot let go of that magic little word (that she also likes to use when convenient): Whore.
Phaedra starts crying and insists she is over it. “I didn’t call you a whore this year, not once…,” she says in defense. Admitting, “But I did call you Satan.” Well, when dealing with Satan what better to do than bring Jesus into the equation to fix things – so that’s just what they do: Kenya and Phaedra pray together! Hell hath frozen over and saved Kenya and Phaedra from each other! They hug and skip off to the pajama party holding hands and ready to get their wine on.
So the slate is wiped clean – for now – another revelation was added to the Bible. And then it’s time to hit the club for some drinking and grinding. Seriously – can we get an AMEN and a Pastor Thaddeus blessing for finally “moving on?!” Is this is for real? #PrayingItIs
The next day the ladies have final lunch in the Philippines. Everyone is in great spirits and it seems sincere. Claudia wonders if they think the trip would have gone so well if NeNe had come. Porsha insists NeNe would have “fallen in line” with the kumbaya spirit, gotten along, and broken bread. Then she bursts out laughing! They all agree Dr. Jeff really did make an impact because they finally “Did the work” to get along (and all it took was drama rehab, a moratorium from booze, and a 19 hour plane-ride!). So in away NeNe did fix things… after all she brought Dr. Jeff to them, right?!
However, next week Clawdia returns to get into it with NeNe … for charity, no less! Boo!
TELL US – WAS THE ZEN BETWEEN PHAEDRA AND KENYA SINCERE? WILL THEY MOVE ON? WOULD NENE HAVE RUINED THE TRIP?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
