Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: CHAR-RIT-TEEEEE!

RHOC Recap

Last night on Real Housewives Of Orange County the ladies put aside their differences, pettiness, and spite in the name of philanthropy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

In Napa, at the Bello’s fabulous mansion, celebrating COLLETTE, the fabulous non-champagne occupying the niche market of Methode Champenoise, aka sparkling wine coolers, drama is ensuing. When in fabulous surroundings, act not fabulous! Shannon Beador and Meghan KING Edmonds are arguing over being non-charitable regarding Meghan’s wine fundraiser for juvenile diabetes (because nothing says diabetic and kids like wine!).

Meghan doesn’t understand why Shannon doesn’t want to help her host this event, because although Meghan is tall enough to reach the sky, she has difficulty understanding that the world doesn’t revolve around her. I mean, OF COURSE Shannon would want to help some young upstart third wife of a has-been athlete, because charity starts at home among your RHOC kin. DUH!

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Shannon stomps away to go snuggle some vodka in the bathroom. Meghan tells Heather Dubrow what happened so Heather decides to make sure Shannon isn’t mixing vodka with toilet water to numb her pain.

Heather is confused: what is so upsetting about a phone call? Perhaps, after Shannon caught David whispering on the phone to his mistress, she has cell phone induced PTSD? Why is NO ONE talking about the giant elephant in the room, that they all know what’s really wrong with Shannon: David’s affair! Shannon cries about being “ambushed” by Meghan. I know people are comparing Meghan to a giraffe, but giraffes are hardly aggressive animals. We’re not talking abut a Tamradactyl – now those things are vicious! Meghan, well, she’s more like a panther in giraffes spots. Tall and nimble she is not, desperate and thirsty in the jungle of Orange County she is! 

Meanwhile, Meghan goes to snuggle Jim for comfort, but he snubs her. Hashtag: SoulMates! Meghan drones, in her annoying rehearsed monotone, that Shannon has no manners and this the Bello’s home! Uh, Meghan – you’ve never heard of the Bellos until yesterday.  

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Shannon is explaining to the other ladies what happened, when Meghan bustles over with her yoga hair – what was that?! – and instead of pulling up a chair she awkwardly crouches on the floor next to Shannon, practically sitting on her lap. Meghan insincerely apologizes to Shannon. Shannon explains she felt “ambushed” when Meghan accused her of being uncharitable – everyone that knows Shannon knows she is giving, generous, and always willing to share. 

Meghan snaps that Shannon snubbed her and didn’t even text her back when she asked her to pick up paper plates at Target! Why should Meghan be expected to do like allll the work planning some dumb charity party when Shannon has done it before?! 

Shannon is still pissed that Meghan lied about how she obtained her “private cell phone number.”  Meghan snaps that Shannon isn’t  some “big to do” and needs to get over herself. Is this 8th grade? My Facebook has more friends than your Facebook! Shannon decides to ignore Meghan and Meghan starts whining about being ignored, which she should be used to by know given the state of her marriage. 

Since Meghan was calling for “chari-ri-tee” she feels Shannon should have been more receptive, but Shannon didn’t even know who Meghan was. “If I had known I was getting a call… ,” Shannon begins, but Meghan interjects, caustically, “You would have been nicer.”

“I never know when I’m gettin’ calls about charities,” Meghan snips. When exactly is Meghan getting calls about anything? Other than an invite to the kegger when her daddy-hubby is out of town. Heather suddenly hears a cork pop and precisely: if you’re so thirsty, Meghan, go drink some free champagne and get off Shannon’s lap. Seriously – levitating over Shannon’s lap like she’s Santa and asking for a present of free party planning services is something Meghan is at least 5 years too old for!

Shannon sarcastically apologizes for upsetting Meghan and not helping. Meghan doesn’t think the apology is sincere. Yeah, it was about as sincere as Megan’s interest in the JDRF!

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Back in the OC, Vicki Gunvalson returned from her insurance conference. For Vicki, life doesn’t stop just because Brooks got cancer! Nope – you just up their insurance policy and head to Disney World! Brooks pretends that while Vicki was away he did juice fasts, because he’s turning to alternative methods to beat caner. Uh… why do I feel like when Vicki is gone Brooks goes all “Risky Business”? Please spare yourself the tighty-whitey image, especially because he’s considering coffee enemas. Shannon is a fan – except she uses Bailey’s Irish Cream. Where does one get a coffee enema? Starbucks? I’ll have a grande mochabuttchino? Gross! 

Then we have to talk about how Meghan is sooooo charitable. In case you didn’t know Meghan is planing a charity party, not because she wants to help people, but because she wants to make a big splash on the OC social scene and assert herself as the new Mrs. Edmonds (not to be confused with the two old Mrs. Edmonds, even though she is currently sitting on all their old furniture). Meghan rambles about how this party has to be a success because she wants people to be impressed with her, ‘Like I’m hosting a party. It’s for JDRF, which stands for… ummm… well who cares my party better make me popular!’ 

Meghan has other things to think about like how they are selling this house, which is haunted by the ghosts of Jim’s exes, and redecorating, and moving again for the 300th time. Is it me, or do Jim and Meghan move more than Original Jim (Jimplant) and Original Jesus Jugs (Alexis)?

Thank goodness, with all this stress, Meghan has assistant to help her! “Melissa” is like a best friend Meghan pays – she’s really, really good at everything: cooking, cleaning, organizing Meghan’s dirty laundry, keeping secrets… This is gonna end well! Meghan’s brain must have melted from being too close to the sun, because this girl is definitely a few fries short of a Happy Meal (with about as much personality Grimace).

And thank goodness Meghan has a party planner and caterer to do all the heavy lifting for the world’s most important cocktail party to benefit Meghan’s social status in the OC. Oh, we see what you’re doing here girlie! 

Also, managing several people is Heather, still way, WAY over budget on dream house construction. I love Heather and Meghan’s concepts of challenging “jobs” – aka, hiring people to do things.

Heather insists this house is actually Terry’s dream – she is just being the supportive wife overseeing every delicate detail. Like the lighting for her in-home salon, or the precious stone flooring in the master bath, created from the blood of virgin unicorns and the offspring of seed pearls found in remote reefs in the Andes. It’s only $74,000 a square-foot! Heather is shocked by the bloated budget – as bloat is a word that gives Heather severe hives she immediately phones her nutritionist for a coffee enema, then ignores all warnings to scale back, instead writing another $250,000 check. Then Heather demands more rapid installation on the tiling of the flooring of the walk-in champagne fridge. It must be constructed of diamanté plexiglass and be at subzero temperatures. 

Why do I think Terry would be happy with onion rings?

Back to charitygate, or is it phonecallgate, or is it MeghanBugsGate? Meghan decided not to invite Shannon, because Shannon is wildly unpredictable and nothing – NOTHING! – is going to ruin Meghan’s societal debut I mean, charitable endeavor. This party is some sort of wine mixer – each person brings a bottle of wine to share and then another to donate so the foundation can sell it in an action to raise money. 

Meghan calls all the girls to let them know Shannon has been iced from the guest list. Tamra, upon hearing the news, grins, while Heather looks on shocked by the obvious faux pas. How important is your party if you’re not even sending out invites but calling people? Etiquette 101. #WWHD (What Would Heather Do).

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Shannon has dinner with Vicki and Tamra, where she describes her charitable endeavor of helping Brooks find naturalistic cancer treatments, then orders vodka on the rocks with a splash of cran and two tranquilizers. Then Shannon wonders why she hasn’t received her invitation to Meghan’s event. 

That’s when Tamra announces the bad news that Meghan actually isn’t inviting Shannon. Tamra is upset, because she sooooo hates being the bearer of bad news, BUT – hey somebody’s gotta do it! And really, WWJD? be honest, right? (I feel like Tamra asks herself WWJD and then does the opposite). Shannon sniffles about canceling her hair appointment and Vicki decides if Shannon isn’t going, neither is she! Vicki’s a ‘stand by your woman’ kind of a girl – if Shannon’s not invited, Vicki will keep her donated wine and drink it herself!

Maybe Meghan didn’t invite Shannon because her yeast-free diet doesn’t allow wine? Heather, realizing the serious social ramifications of Meghan dumping Shannon from the gust list begs her to reconsider. But Meghan, believing she will soon catapult to the top of the OC ladies who lunch sector, will not cave. This is MEGHAN’s EVENT for MEGHAN to shine. 

On the night of the party, Tamra goes to Vicki’s to get ready and decides to wear her shortest crochet swimsuit cover-up. Vicki was serious about not going and is taking Shannon out to dinner instead. She calls Meghan to explain that she doesn’t want Shannon to feel left-out. I gotta hand it to Vicki – that was ballsy!

Meghan is miffed but is too focused getting herself ready for her party! She smiles at her reflection in the mirror, pats her stereotypical society wife hair-do, and murmurs, “Classy as f–k.” 

Meghan doesn’t want Shannon or her toxicity in her house, which isn’t really her house, but as Vicki points out – it’s Jim’s house and Jim’s stuff and Meghan is just a high-class squatter temporarily occupying the space as “wife.” Vicki also dismisses Meghan as mega immature and “me, me, me” and Vicki is an expert on those types. #TakesOneToKnowOne. Uh – Meghan is 30, not that young, ladies!! 

Shannon probably should have helped Meghan with the catering because it was a big ole table full of chips and dip. High Class Party Foul! Tamra assures Meghan she’s not taking sides in the Shannon-drama, because she’s an “ex” mean girl and has been born again as a person with a conscience. Still waitin’ to see evidence of that. 

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Later, Heather and Tamra discuss the Shannon snub – they feel she should have been invited – Meghan comes over to chastise them because she doesn’t want “gossip and drama.” This issue is between her and Shannon and Meghan plans to resolve it, but she wanted to keep this event focused on herself charity.

Meanwhile Vicki and Shannon are woo hoo-ing it up. Actually it looked fun. Shannon admits she’s hurt to be excluded, and in Napa Meghan made it seem that all the girls were invited. Shannon complains that she should have gotten a phone call from Meghan explaining that she was uninvited. I thought Shannon didn’t want Meghan calling her or having her super-private cell number – now she wants a “You’re not invited” explanation call?! 

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Since the party is more boring than a sober Shannon, Lizzie Rovsek calls Vicki to check-in and decides to blow Meghan’s popsicle stand (and it was filled with the chilly social veneer of people who don’t really want to be there) to meet up with VikiShan. Upon getting wind that shots are happening, Tamra decides to bail as well. You can take the girl out of Andales, but you can’t take the Andales out of the girl! Tamra tells Shannon she thinks Meghan was wrong for not inviting her. Thought she was “staying out of it”?

Meghan, reminiscing on the event, feels it was mega successful and that she has made her mark on the OC scene. Jim actually sits next to her on the sofa and grunts a reply. If Meghan thinks that snoozer of a grandma party made her mark on the OC, she has a lot to learn #ClassyAsF–KWannabe

TELL US – SHOULD MEGHAN HAVE INVITED SHANNON?

[Photo Credit: Bravo]