The girls are packing, which means a secret and exalted Bravo ritual known as CLOSET TOURS!
First and foremost – unfortunately – we are in the mumu factory. Tucked deep in a corner of Beverly Hill is a tiny, cluttered, neon-covered, eye-searingly printed lair known as Kyle Richards‘ dressing room. Ironically one of the closet rods actually collapses under the kaftan weight and refuses to be put right. Girl – that’s a sign! Even Porsha, aged 7, refused to help Kyle put the bar back up – she shot mama a knowing side-eye that said, “Things happen for a reason.” MmmmHmmmm…
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“This would never happen in Lisa Vanderpump‘s closet,” sighs Kyle. Quite right! And over in LVP’s closet the only thing garish is news of Kim Richards’ arrest after stealing $600 worth of Kaftans from Kyle By KaftansForTous! (she was trying to help save Kyle from herself!). I kid! – Kim was actually shoplifting toys from Target.
Lisa, who has been living in a rosé-scented world for too long, realizes suddenly that Kim needs serious help and arresting her is not the answer. If Lisa were running the Target Security team her reaction would be, “Excuse me, Madam – do you know what the f–k you’re doing?” Clearly not, given that Kim stole toys not home decor! Kim Richards: Not Without My Childhood, The Shoplifters Guide To The Cartwheel Ap, Zen-Thieving And The Art Of Target Shopping.
Or – Sharknado 57 – Sharky Secret Shopper’s Revenge! A giant RedBullseye with Shark Teeth nabs Kim as she’s racing through the security corral with 10 carts full of LEGOs!
LVP calls Kyle to ask about Kim, but Kyle whisper-sniffles, “I can’t talk about this right now… I have to go hide in a kaftan corner and rub it’s poly-rayon fabric on my face for comfort.” (not really what she said…#sarcasm)
In Multiple Personality Palace, Erika Jayne and Erika Girardi need 17,000 square-feet to safely encompass both halves. EG’s house had a story, but then EJ took over and the story got cobbled, so EG took back over. Finally some exhausted designer just shoved a full-on church next to the closet and prayed for Jesus’s healing hands to take over.
Erika J is headed to Chicago, but Erika G is headed to the Hamptons, so there is a highly complicated outfit selection. The wires got a bit crossed however when EG decided to bring a see-thru skirt to the Hamptons. Gotta air out the much-patted puss!
Then Erika dons leopard-print to meet Tom for lunch. Erika is aware that she will forever be Tom’s mistress because the law is his love. She’s fine with it – she has her live-in BFF EJ! While the Erikas are in the Hamptons, Tom will be attending a legal conference, so there is a discussion about who will take which of their 2 private planes to go where. TWO PRIVATE PLANES!
YoDa’s jet flies on repressed lemon-purified ultrahyalaulic air which circulates gently through clouds shaped like Gigi’s face. Erika and Tom’s planes are powered by liquefied sequins and shoot hot pink perfumed smoke from their tail feathers. The seats are an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, funneled through Tom’s cash, which manages to avoid adhering to the TSA’s regulation allotment for glitter.
During lunch the Beverly Hills Police Chief swings by their table for a hello. Because in Beverly Hills even the police dine five-stars.
Tom goes back to the office and Erika sneak-eats dessert. “I want to diet like these Beverly Hills bitches, but I can’t” Erika laughs honkingly. Yes, Erika has no time for their vegan, no carb, gluten-free salad life. She is patting the puss and the belly!
And since Erika is indulging, and knows a kindred spirit when she sees one, Erika calls LVP to discuss the Hamptons and refers to her as “Diva.”
At first Lisa isn’t sure if it’s a compliment or an insult, but then decides she doesn’t care because it’s a riddle, wrapped in cash, just like her, and there is nothing Lisa enjoys more than a game of Kiss-and-Slap Chess. LVP practically purs smirkily recalling how she asked Erika about her geriatric sexcapades the week before, so Diva is all deserved. I love Leriska!
Eileen Davidson is packing while Vince criticizes her spending $500 on one dress. Since Eileen makes her own money, and doesn’t comment about how much Vince spends GAMBLING AND BETTING ON SPORTING EVENTS(!!!), she decides he has no room to complain about her fashion expenses. At least you can wear a dress. And if you don’t like it, return it! Placing a bet can literally be like throwing money away! And I’m beginning to wonder if Vince needs a little tough love from Security Officer Lisa,“Excuse me, Mr. Van Patten – do you know what the f–k you’re doing?”
Erika may do lunch with the Beverly Hills PD but LVP is the Beverly Hills Emotional Security Taskforce! Lisa Vanderpump: Mind Cop!
Meanwhile Lisa Rinna travels to PA – flying commercial! – to host her monthly segment for QVC. You can tell she really loves and enjoys it, which is exactly why her line succeeds.
The QVC Headquarters is this bizarro universe where D-lister fashion celebrities congregate to swap stories around the airbrush makeup machine about their glory days. They loiter next to the teleprompter, bandying about terms like “plush faux-pleather shearling rococco blanket swing coat.” Dennis Basso appears to drop bonmots about designing dresses for Nicky Hilton‘s MOST CLASSY SOCIETY WEDDING LIKE EVER.
Lisa excitedly chats with Isaac Mizrahi about the mythical “she” who buys their clothes. And those two are so cute together. Lisa applies method acting to her selling style by projecting an image onto the prospective clients. HUSTLE! Then she hops into a car and drives the 5 hours to the Hamptons. Where Eileen and Kyle have already arrived. And had drama. And started more drama.
Yolanda travels to Cleveland with David and Health Advocate Daisy. Naturally, on what could possibly be last day of her life (according to her puff-painted, bedazzled, glitter penned, bubble-lettered very serious will), Yolanda wears her trusty white pants. On the way to the airport David cops one last feel of Yolanda’s bolt-ons – PRIORITIES. She jokes about being his boobless, brainless, toothless” wife.
“What did I marry?” sighs David. Lipsa’s Google has the answer!
Naturally Yolanda’s hospital is as luxury as one could imagine and naturally her surgeon – the only one in the world who can remove silicone baubles – is glammy as well. Yolanda is told to take off her jewelry. “I can’t remove my wedding ring,” she gasps as David stutters “Oh… yeah.”
Before getting her IV – Yo’s favorite extra-curricular! – she calls Gigi (AND ONLY Gigi). Yolanda goes under anesthesia lovingly patting Gigi’s face on the cover of Vogue.
While David lounges in the waiting room
texting his divorce attorney, YOLANDA’s HEALTH ADVOCATE DAISY is in the operating room, taking sickies, commenting on the surgery, and making sure the doctor removes all the little particle of silicone which Yolanda wants cast in platinum to put on a string as a reminder of her health journey!
Is this Daisy woman a doctor? How in the hell is she qualified to be IN SURGERY?! Then we get to see Yolanda’s bloody, blobby implant thrown on a table. And when that implant was yanked, so too was Yolanda’s status as trophy wife. Yolanda certainly survived that explant surgery, but her marriage not so much.
And the will for a dead marriage provides a generous divorce settlement pending gag order.
In the Hamptons to celebrate LVP’s cover of Bella Magazine, she’ll be hosting a white party. Now first of all you KNOW Kyle is pissed as pants that fit that her ANNUAL, ILLUSTRIOUS White Party was
KimKillah’d stolen by Lisa.
Karma is a mumu turned into a romper that makes you look like your butt was eaten by a cheap lace tablecloth however. Yes, Kyle managed to turn a mumu into a romper and she wore it. And yes, it was at least the least flattering thing I’ve seen her wear in weeks. Time for Emotional Security Agent Lisa to gently ask, “Excuse me, Madam – do you know what the f–k you’re doing?” Lisa Vanderpump: Kaftan Kop!
Kyle and Eileen were provided with complimentary rooms at the hotel where the party is happening. Unfortunately they’re ground-floor rooms (NO!), next to the pool, which is blaring music nonstop and under construction prepping for said party. Eileen and Kyle got no sleep and decided they could not cope, so they enlisted Mauricio to find them a house to rent in the Hamptons. They peaced out, leaving LVP a note announcing their relocation. Which is how I ditched a college roommate.
LVP, meanwhile, is being chartered via helicopter from the airport to the hotel. She has the entire copter filled with poms and their wardrobe, so it’s all floaty and fluffy and pink. Swans were also flying the thing. Then Lisa finds Eileen’s note. She’s miffed that the women are “high maintenance” and didn’t bother to call, or even text, to discuss the matter – they just departed! Lisa was also looking forward to having fun girl time together – which is why she brought Ken?
Lisa owns SUR – she’s used to loud music, but Kyle and Eileen, not so much! You know Erika would have toughed it out like a champ!
I personally think it’s rude the ladies left without talking to Lisa first – they were there to support LVP. Vacation on your own damn time! And if you have to leave, I get it, but at least have the courtesy to call your friend and explain the situation instead of just bouncing with a cryptic note!
But, I can see both sides. The magazine was providing LVP the rooms. The other women complaining about the accommodations reflects badly on the magazine and makes Lisa appear ungracious. The ladies also KNOW Lisa can’t bail, so it’s a bit like they didn’t want to hang out with her.
Yet, as the others said, they flew cross-country, or drove up 5 hours after work, to be there for Lisa, and they wanted to relax.
Lipsa also joins the other ladies at the house and is relieved by the serenity. Then they meet Lisa at the White Party where she is frosty and snippy at them over bailing on her, and she immediately addresses. Lisa seems to be especially directing her ire towards Kyle.
Kyle tries to explain that BECAUSE OF KIM – which she so doesn’t want to talk about which is why she brought it up in the first place – she isn’t in party mode, so the busy hotel was too much during this very trying time, which she does not want to discuss AT ALL! Then, since Kyle mentioned it, the other women ask about Kim’s latest travail. Cue Kyle getting melodramatic and pissy that they’re asking. IT’S A SENSITIVE SUBJECT FOR KYLE!
TELL US – THE LADIES DITCHING LISA: RUDE OR UNDERSTANDABLE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]