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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap

Last night, the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills wrapped up their trip to Dubai and Lisa Rinna had an epiphany: she’s not gonna become the collateral damage of two narcissists with queen complexes, also known as Lisa Vanderpump and Yolanda Foster. Lipsa has diagnosed and labeled them as “hating each other” (medical name haterificaious bitcheria). There we have it – Lipsa has solved the mystery of whodunnit with the Munchausen in the Kyle Konservatory with the ulterior motive.

Our first clue that nothing is going well – the ladies can’t manage to enjoy 5-star shopping without bitching. Just buy shoes and shhhhhh! In a mall that engulfs the Mall Of America, then spits it out, chewed up and mangled, onto its ice rink, the 5-story mall of Dubai chauffeurs them around from luxury store to luxury store in Bentley golf carts. There goes LVP‘s cardio!

Lipsa wore her walking sneakers, unnecessarily. She had to put them to good use though, because – ugh, comfort shoes! – so she decided to walk all over the friendship of LVP!

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In the mall, Kyle Richards worries someone will cuss. She’s terrified of ending up in jail in a foreign country and never getting out – Kyle’s fear is some Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills viewers’ fantasy.

Erika Girardi ponders a $700,000 bracelet, and emails the details to Tom’s secretary then crosses her fingers and prays and prays that come Christmas morning she’ll have been a good little girl who made Santa Tom’s Nice List! In concession, Erika buys a hot pink Chanel purse, because, as Erika explains to us plebeians with no access to the internet, when you’re in Dubai you’ll find things you’ve never seen anywhere else – like pink Chanel clutches – so you better buy them! I assume Erika didn’t happen upon any necklaces with “C–ty” written in Arabic? 

In Kathryn Edwards, Kyle finds a friend who will be honest about her fashion don’ts! Kyle tries on a pair of sunglasses and Kathryn remarks that they’re “horrible” – indeed they were.

There are so many gorgeous places to run and hide, the ladies can distract themselves from not speaking. It’s possible for Lipsa and Eileen Davidson to completely ignore LVP, who, as it turns out, notices and is disappointed by the strained glances and awkward scuttling between the Chanel fantasy tweeds. 

So the ladies shop; they shop with a vengeance to hide their discontent and to mask their frustrations and mistrust. Speaking of trust, as they all amble around the mall, their slew of black cards are just left out, strewn around the register. Credit card fraud apparently isn’t a concern – these women are probably considered paupers in the billion dollar playground of Dubai.

The Burj Khalifa

From being insignificant poor peeps to being like tiny little sparkles beside the Hope Diamond, they climb to the top of the Burj Khalifa, the world’s tallest building. Even LVP’s ego is dwarfed as she lowers herself to offer Eileen the phony apology Eileen has been begging for. In ultimate irony, LVP got fakeness coaching from Kyle – of course Splits McHairflips Squeaky Squeal was the gal for the task! So, on the 152nd floor, where the only thing higher is literally the sun, with the planes soaring beneath them, Lisa pulls Eileen aside and whispers an apology so softly Eileen thought the height was playing tricks on her. She was momentarily stunned – maybe it was from staring at the sun too long? The sun being that blindly, dizzying assumption of LVP’s supposed motives. “Don’t want to throw me off now?” LVP jokes as Eileen stands there, silenced. 

Of course staring down at the earth from 152 floors did little to put things in perspective considering how the yacht ride went! 

Back in Beverly Hills, Yolanda lectures alternate Hollywood Friends Brandi Glanville and Kim Richards about the importance of non-Hollywood friends. Boozdi and KimKillah are apparently shining examples of so-called real friends – which is why they only hang out with Yolanda with Bravo cameras present.  

Since she’s detoxing the evil spirit of Lyme away, Yolanda had Daisy prepare pre-packaged healthy food, which scares Brandi, who is pawing around for a Taco Bell wrapper and hopes that syrupy liquid is red sauce, not pomegranate juice. Compared to Dubai, with the women swanning around in $2,000 caftans and swinging Chanel shopping bags, Brandi’s supermarket flowers, generic Target gift bags, and cheap ‘catchphrase’ t-shirts really illustrate how tackily unsuited she was for RHOBH. 

Proving her brain function truly has been eroded by Lyme, Yolanda describes hanging out with Kim and Brandi, “There’s no manipulating, there’s no trying to position, it’s just, like, what is, what is.” Yolanda compares this to Lipsa and LVP trying to throw her away because she’s sick. Ummm… no, I think they’re trying to distance themselves because you’re toxic – and no amount of grapefruit juice takes the lie out of a liar. Also, birds of a feather flock together, which is why Yo is reduced to defending Brandi’s sick sense of humor after Brandi gifts Kim a t-shirt that says “Medicated.” Brandi also jokes about making a “SICK” shirt for Yolanda. 

Yolanda, Brandi, & Kim

Yolanda snarkily explains that she ‘doesn’t get’ Brandi‘s insensitive humor, but she’s clearly pissed over the sick t-shirt. Yolanda has approximately 0% humor, and I don’t think that can be blamed on leaky boobs or Lyme. 

As part of her lessons on friendship, Yolanda complains that people aren’t “about fixing things,” instead just moving on. “People don’t like sick people.” Poor Yolanda – her friends weren’t spending every moment of their lives taking care of Yolanda. Because everything. In all lives. Is about Yolanda. And Yolanda’s Journey. And Yolanda’s needs not being met. And Yolanda’s attention-seeking. And Yolanda’s unquenchable thirst to be considered important. Yolanda – sip some of your own Kool-Aid: the healing starts within. Oh and Kim gets a journey. As part of that journey, Kim spills juice on Yolanda’s purse. Not just any beet juice: luxury artisinal organic beet juice squashed from beets found deep in the heart of the Himalayan dessert, harvested by a special flock of bees that can both withstand freezing temperatures and blistering heat to extract special photo-proteins from these magical, mythical beets that gently stroke the egos of the entitled, so as not to disturb the equilibrium of their own delicately balanced meta-delusions.

Yolanda pretends she’s totally fine with her ruined bag while gesturing wildly for Daisy to clean things up while cursing Bravo for forcing her to interact with lower-vibrational specimens. 

Back in Dubai, the women celebrate Kathryn’s birthday with dinner on a yacht. Erika’s gift to Kathryn is the special attentions of her glam squad, who turn Kathryn “hunty”. Is that what Lipsa’s on when she’s desperately seeking to create a situation that is not there?

Eileen and Lipsa press Erika for her opinion about Yolanda vs. LVP. But Erika is smart – she knows what they’re up to, and plays it cool. Lipsa wouldn’t know cool if it turned her hairless ass into a ice cube, so she blurts out that all of the group’s issues stem from LVP and Yolanda hating each other. And everyone else is caught in the middle of the ultimate battle of greatness and ego. 

Eileen complains that confronting LVP on the beach didn’t make anyone happy and was exhausting. So why did Eileen bring it up? Why did SHE spur the situation, and again on the yacht where she is hissing in Lipsa’s ear about how sorry she feels for LVP. 

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Over dinner, no one speaks, lest they say the wrong thing to entice the flames of riot. But then Kyle, oh Kyle, she simply cannot keep it together, so she complains that no one is speaking, when they usually have fun. She coaxes LVP and Lipsa to talk it out. With Kyle as your peer mediator you know this oughta go down like the Titanic!

Lipsa subtly plies LVP with information about her dislike for Yolanda, which Lipsa gently suggests is rooted in Yolanda’s behavior and accusations towards Ken. Something Lipsa can relate to given how she flung a glass in Kim’s face last season over her fake accusations against Harry. LVP tears up. 

Then Lipsa swoops in with the stake to the heart and twists things all around to accuse LVP’s hatred for Yolanda being so deep she made Lipsa the fall-guy for the Munchausen comment, then tried to drag Kyle down, and is still lying now. 

The “tension” between LVP and Yolanda has enraged, oops – no, I mean engulfed the group, so that’s why Lisa Rinna was manipu-munchausen’d into calling Yolanda a big fat phony baloney whose lies were on life support. While Lipsa and Eileen are yelling at LVP to take accountability, I find myself wondering why they aren’t taking their own advice. 

There in the middle of the hyena’s laugh is Kyle, who can’t exactly deny what Lipsa is saying but can’t exactly stop defending what LVP said either. Eileen demands to know why Kyle is OK with LVP “betraying” her. LVP is sticking by her story – she didn’t say it and she’s not owning up to anything. 

Poor Kathryn is all like, can’t you just let me eat cake? And Erika only likes c–ntiness in small doses, so they leave the table, leaving Eileen to pound on it while raging about fakery before stomping off. Finally Lipsa storms away too because she just “can’t”. Can’t what – stay and clean up the ginormous mess she just made, not only ruining someone’s birthday, but a vacation too, and possibly a friendship? All over Yolanda. Why is everyone so afraid of upsetting Yolanda – that’s the only sickness infecting RHOBH! 

Kyle & LVP

And then there were two. And like any good Agatha Christie mystery, Lisa and Kyle are left to decide if they should turn on each other (as Lipsa and Eileen seem to hope) or become thick as thieves. Across the yacht, Eileen hovers, eavesdropping, desperate for a drip of information. I’m starting to fear that all her years on soaps has seriously skewed Eileen’s concept of reality? Meanwhile, Lipsa complains that all this drama stems from one person. Well no two actually: Yolanda and Lipsa! 

Kathryn encourages Eileen to stay out of it, but Eileen hisses at Kathryn, snapping at her to be quiet. Good lord Eileen!!! Kathryn, coolly and huntified, is undaunted, she reminds everyone that none of them have to understand Kyle and Lisa’s dynamic. Eileen agrees Kyle and LVP love each other, but Lipsa compares their friendship to Kyle’s dysfunctional relationships with Kim and Kathy. 

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Eileen and Lipsa cheers to the crazy, whipping through the night sky and tousling things like a kaftan in the wind. They decide Kyle isn’t so much LVP’s friend, but her humble servant. 

But truly, what the hell is going on here? As I think I see it, Lipsa accused LVP of trying to throw Kyle under the bus with the Munchausen story, initially Kyle corroborated Lipsa’s tale, yet LVP refuses to own up to it or admit to saying it – either she didn’t say it at all, or she doesn’t want to do so publicly. LVP stands firm that she said “everyone”.

I personally think LVP was making a joke to Lipsa and another joke to Kyle, but the tensions were running high and everyone was fearing for their own scalp, so it got all twisted and serious. Or maybe LVP did say it, but she’s refusing to admit to it and now Kyle is sitting there looking the ass for ardently defending a friendship to a woman who tried to sell her up shitcreek where Brandi Glanville was waiting, but also possibly looks like a liar who was trying to throw LVP under the bus. The true question remains: What are Lipsa and Eileen’s motives? Was this all about getting to the bottom of some metaphorical truth? Honestly who is the true manipulator?

Kyle pounds the table, hisses, and begs LVP to change her story. “I won’t tell a lie!” she snaps to LVP. “I’m asking YOU to not tell one either!” LVP refuses. She will not concede defeat. She will not lie down and play dead. Finally, Kyle throws her hands up, and announces they’re moving on – there’s cake to be eaten and they’ve ruined Kathryn’s birthday party. LVP isn’t OK with Kyle’s attitude, however, she’s pissed that Kyle believes she would say that at all. 

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Kyle is channeling her energy into salvaging Kathryn’s birthday, even though the other ladies insist the time for cake has passed. I think KYLE needs that cake – sugar kills the bad girl blues! Kyle bustles around with the melting cake, which she practically dumps on Kathryn’s lap. She flings a present at her, then Kyle flops down on the sofa, exhausted by drama in the dessert.

Although there ain’t nothing worse than a fake cake, Kathryn is genuinely sweet about the whole disaster. As Kyle has a nervous breakdown and stress-shreds her kaftan, Kathryn and Erika coo over Kathryn’s new Chanel wallet. Eileen shoves Kathryn’s cake back into the box, avoiding LVP’s eyes, which are practicing telekinesis to throw Eileen overboard. 

The next day, Kyle and LVP seem fine as they laugh over unhinged Lipsa and her crazy accusations. Downstairs at the breakfast table, no one is quite in the mood to spend 24 hours on a plane together, or discuss their favorite parts of the trip. Yet to make everyone squirm LVP is jovial and upbeat.

Erika makes a toast to the very worst vacation she’s ever had – and that includes the one where the Erika Jayne tour bus ingested bad sequins and got food poisoning so bad the solid gold toilet seats had to be destroyed, and then back to BH they go dragging the dusty, dehydrated drama with them. 

TELL US – DID LVP TELL A LIE? DO LVP AND YOLANDA HATE EACH OTHER?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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