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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

I never thought I’d say this but the best thing about last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion was Erika Jayne-Girardi patting the puss. Aside from that it was all journeys all the time from the Yolanda Foster Files, which has more confusing story lines than The X Files (which actually isn’t too much of a stretch in the weirdness department!).

Lisa Vanderpump is wearing battle armor designed by Tom Ford. Initially it sounds like he made it for her, specifically, but then Andy notices Erika was wearing “the shirt version” in her interview talking head. The color looks better on LVP. Not wanting us to forget that she’s chronically ill – for even a moment!!! – Yolanda’s dress resembles bandages and medical gauze. I’m surprised she wasn’t wheeled out on a stretcher with Daisy insisting Glam Squads cause co-infections. Maybe her seat on the couch reclines? 

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Erika Pats The Puss

Andy dives into the bizarre world of Erika, with her surprisingly traditional marriage. Erika hops up to give Pat The Puss lessons. Lisa Rinna, an excited newly converted Erika Jayne fan, wants to do it too, but Yolanda admonishes her to sit down like Lipsa is a wayward child. A chastened Lipsa sulks in her corner of the sofa. YOLANDA IS AN INSUFFERABLE WENCH!

Erika is one of those women who aggressively tries to pretend nothing bothers her. She puts on the full display of glitz, glamour, and a tough exterior taking ‘ownership’ of who she is, but it’s all a facade. Erika Jayne IS a facade for Erika Girardi, who is emotionally immature and afraid of people. It’s silly. No wonder she’s acquaintances playing made for TV besties friends with Yo – they mutually act as each other’s bodyguards. Next season, I hope Erika returns, Sans My Journeys Hadid-Foster-Hadid and we get to see more of her in her element. Maybe she’ll have figured out Yo’s twitter handle by then… 

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We must talk the other issue infecting Yolanda presently – her crumbled marriage to David. YoDa is no more, y’all, but David is feeling the freedom in Dagobah with Selma Blair. Yolanda doesn’t want to talk about the very personal issue that is her divorce. “It’s our journey,” she sniffs. Of course! However, even Yolanda’s Lyme Journey is only presented on her terms, and if you ask questions, you get accused of being a non-believer. Yolanda seems to see herself as a cult leader of sorts. How she has followers is a bigger confusion than Scientology. Case in point: when LVP wonders if she has menopause Yolanda insists she has a pellet in her butt and her hormones are checked monthly – she’s perfect! 

Same thing with the notion that she could have depression due to her marital issues. Yolanda denies this, because in 1999 (when she broke her back) she had Chronic Depression, so she knows what depression feels like and it’s not Lyme! The women side-eye majorly as does Andy

In confusing Yolanda timelines, she explains how she got sick three months before they married, then “dropped out of society” – except for the times she was filming Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills or attending A-List celeb parties alongside David. Yolanda insists David is a “wonderful man” but his humor doesn’t come across well on the show. She asks LVP to vouch for him – not her BFF ERIKA – and LVP does! Presently Yo and David are “taking a break” from communicating. Eep. 

Yolanda explains the divorce “didn’t just happen overnight,” then clarifies that on November 2nd, the day before the premiere, they had a “falling out” and decided to consciously uncouple. So it did happen overnight? Surprised we didn’t get an #AboutLastNight Instagram about that part of her “journey.” 

LVP, who has gotten aces about grilling Yolanda to get to the gooey center, wonders if Yolanda was “blindsided” by the divorce, because they seemed so solid. “We were solid,” argues Yolanda. Solid-appearing on camera, maybe, but not in real-reality. Finally, Yo admits to yes, she was surprised. “I didn’t think that was the end of the road,” she says matter-of-factly. “We came to a halt; it came to a dead end. It really doesn’t really matter. I’m not going to sit here and be analyzing our marriage. That’s really private between David and I and our family.” 

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Then, naturally, Yolanda claims David was the one who gave up while she had hoped to “fix their issues” once she was 100% well. I think that was the issue: David realized there’d never come a time when she was “100% well”. Yolanda believes if she was healthy they’d still be together. Interesting. When Andy asks Erika if Yolanda confided in her, Erika’s hair stands up on end like a Lisa Frank Sparkle Cat and refuses to answer. 

Moving on, Andy turns his attention to Kathryn Edwards – but only temporarily. Sadly, Kathryn shares that her nephew recently passed away from a heroin overdose and admits she’s very emotionally raw. Still, she handles herself with dignity and speaks eloquently, even with Kyle Richards throwing a tantrum and cutting her off every 15 seconds! 

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I’ve never heard Kyle get more riled up than when she started shrieking at Kathryn about Faye Resnick! Kathryn wasn’t even saying anything nasty, untrue, or mean, she was simply pointing out the obvious: Faye made some really harsh allegations about Kathryn in her book, thus dragging her into the OJ Simpson narrative when Kathryn had, until that point, chosen to shield herself. As a result, Kathryn (and her first marriage) suffered. That’s horrible – and that, Kyle, my dear is why people do not (and never will) like Faye!

Stay off Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills if you don’t want people to talk ish about you, Faye! That’s like Reality TV 101, yet Fayme Whore comes back for more, time and time again. Maybe LVP manipulated her into it? 

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Kathryn does not back down from explaining her perspective to Kyle, which I appreciated. She wasn’t rude or mean about it, just honest. “You’re discounting my real life!” she explains. “I lived a really hard time – not because I wrote a book!” While Kyle is vehemently defending the morally corrupt Faye ResnickYolanda mumbles to Erika, “I wish she’d feel that strong about me.” OH MY GOD, YOLANDA – everything is NOT about you and your freaking Lyme! When have you have you ever been a good friend to Kyle?! How about … ummmm… never?! 

Oh, Yolanda, poor maligned woman. She is a warrior, bravely sharing her journey – every gory detail… Oh, wait. Yolanda wonders why the women question her diagnosis…because Yo never gives a straight answer. About anything. She should go into politics because she filibusters and obfuscates so much. 

When asked to explain Kathryn making comments about Lipsa’s eating habits, surprisingly everyone agrees Kathryn was teasing (“because I feel safe with you,” she tells Lipsa), and that Rinna does not have an eating disorder. 

Moving back to issues no one can agree on, it’s time for Munchausen. This old dead horse again. 

Lipsa claims her doubts began with Yo’s plethora of sick selfies. “I’m not inspired by them,” she admits. That led to a discussion with her hairdresser (who ironically was backstage – bring her out! bring her out! bring her out!) about Munchausen, which apparently is when LVP and Kyle started discussing it with Rinna.

Yolanda argues that Lipsa had “no basis” for her comments (bullshit). “It was just an observation,” Lipsa defends. An observation that is all LVP’s fault?

Yolanda complains that the women have no idea what it took for her to exert the effort to participate in the show. Then take FMLA leave and get well. Off camera. End of story. Yolanda doesn’t need the money, but I guess the platform for being an attention-seeking vulture is priceless. 

LVP who knows from years of history how full of BS Yo is questions Yolanda about the many “confusing” inconsistencies between her claims and her real life – such as running around on scavenger hunts through Beverly Hills while saying she hasn’t been out of bed for three years. Yolanda has a non-answer to everything! However, I do love how LVP is over the nonsense and pressing Yolanda for solid answers. No one else is – they’re still cowering for fear that Lyme By Proxy may be catching and they’ll get co-infection contamination by coming near the mushroom peppermint pressure steamed breath of Yo. 

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Taking it way, way back to filming Lipsa’s birthday dinner, which is the gift that keeps on giving because, apparently, that’s where the speculation about Yolanda’s illness began. Lipsa claims that after Yolanda left early, Harry decreed that everyone must support Yolanda’s journey – no matter what she was suffering from – but LVP snapped her fingers and said “There goes our f–king story line!”

What does that even mean? That speculating about Yo’s illness would become the story line? Or that the women agreeing not to question Yo’s illness meant they’d have no story line? So that’s how LVP manipulated Lipsa into bringing up Munchausen? Errm… LR needs to ask for a refund for that BS she bought.

I’m against the notion of story lines – the premise of Real Housewives is that it’s a show about wealthy women living their lives as-is, and interacting with their friends. When you start dragging external (or manufactured) ‘agendas’ into the atmosphere to cause or create drama, it gets all messy and stupid (hence this season), and it never plays as authentic. It always results in a fight about a fight, everyone circling the drain about who said what – off-camera. Which brings me to my other issue: Lipsa needs to STOP breaking the fourth wall!

The entire second part of the season has revolved around a conversation that took place off-camera. At the reunion, Lipsa, once again, starts referencing comments made off-camera. Predictably, LVP denies making the comment, and Kyle says nothing.

Lipsa insists LVP called her to discuss Munchausen. LVP replies that she “very rarely” calls Lipsa at home, prompting Lipsa to yank out phone records (Worst. Prop. Ever.) thus “disproving” that LVP “never” calls her – which LVP never said. “Very rarely” is not the same as “never.” This mixed interpretation of words is exactly what the whole argument of “drag Kyle into it” was about… 

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Sure enough, Lipsa points to 10 – only TEN! – times that LVP has called her, ergo “very rarely,” like LVP said. Furthermore, that doesn’t prove what was discussed during these 10 illicit phone calls made in the dead of night under the cloak of disguise deep in the valley where Brandi roams, house to house, looking for a place to lay her thong.

So, we’re right back where we started, with nothing cleared up, nothing resolved, endless words saying nothing. To the victor go the spoils – the spoils of Yo’s friendship, I suppose. While this ‘gob-smacking’ reveal about the horrors of LVP is happening, Erika cackles like a witch (not a good look) and Yolanda dabs at some fake tears Daisy Visine’d into her eyes while the cameras were catching Lipsa’s victory dance.  

The questions about her illness are all too much for tender Yolanda. She rushes off stage, Erika chasing after her. They scramble into Andy’s dressing room. I’m sure the producers were all drawing straws and hoping to pull the “Not It!” one to avoid dealing with the latest Lyme Looniess.

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Look – anyone who took a look at that “med closet” knows that Yolanda is a mess and her illness might not be merely Lyme, chronic or otherwise. Kyle clarifies that no one questioned whether or not Yolanda had Lyme Disease, but they were wondering if something else may have contributed to it. “We don’t understand Lyme,” says Lipsa directly. Yolanda argues that it’s her “full time job” (she should be fired) to not answer questions about Lyme, and insists the women did ask and she informed them how they were all 100% wrong. 

This season has devolved into a hunt for an invisible disease, that may or may not even exist, and the information is not out there (said in an Agent Mulder voice). At this point no one cares about the alien co-infections that is Yolanda’s delusion, which has simultaneously infected the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. If Yo’s health and sanity can’t handle being on this show, quit! If Lipsa can’t handle behaving like a grown woman with her own mind, get a conservator. If LVP and Kyle can’t handle having an honest friendship, joke’s on them. If Eileen Davidson (was she even present?!), can’t deal with LVP asking questions about the choices she made, even if they were impertinent questions, figure out why she didn’t handle it right then in there by asking her to stop. If Erika can’t open up and form real connections with these women, go cower among your glam squad sycophants and be done. And Kathryn, surprisingly, I got nothing – you turned out to be a’ight! 

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[Photo Credits: Isabella Vosmikova/Bravo & BravoTV]

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