This week, the Shahs of Sunset continue to contemplate how to break through to their old friend Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi, who is struggling with issues of anger and excessive drinking. A group trip is in order and they waste no time getting the show on the road, so to speak.
GG is in her apartment, cleaning her knives and feeling sorry for herself because of her “declining health” with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I guess Asa Soltan Rahmati got the invite for this pity party and stops by to give GG her “magical” green sauce. Does everything in Asa’s life have magical powers? Note that GG has no problem shoveling carrots and green sauce into her mouth with her RA-riddled hand. GG begins to tell Asa about her fight with Mercedes “MJ” Javid and decides they all need to remember why they fell in love with each other in the first place. GG suggests the best way to do that is to go camping with the group
so no one can hear their screams. They call Reza Farahan to explain the plan and he feigns excitement but agrees. GG gives Asa a hearty high-five (with her bad hand).
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MJ and Tommy Feight go shopping for her new business card design. Again, MJ mentions how they want to start a family (groan) and how she will need to make more money in order to support their family so she has to step up her real estate efforts. MJ proclaims herself the Condo Queen of WeHo (West Hollywood) and Tommy suggests she make her business cards look as royal as possible. Surprisingly, he knows what a scepter is (paging Porsha Williams!) and recommends she add that image, along with a crown, for her new business cards but MJ won’t go for it.
MJ’s too busy trying to explain to Tommy how she let the cat out of the bag to the others about Reza’s plan to have a secret flash mob wedding when they were at Mike Shouhed and Jessica Parido’s dinner party. MJ says that she will be supportive but thinks the idea of a surprise wedding is wrong and Tommy shocks us by gently telling MJ it’s not her place to give her opinion on Reza and Adam Neely’s relationship. I’m actually starting to like Tommy when he isn’t talking about MJ’s boobs. They genuinely seem to enjoy each other’s company and on the way out, Tommy mentions that MJ has “some caboose” on her. Ahhhh, there’s the Tommy we know and love.
Over at Mike and Jessica’s trailer house, Mike is being served what I think is dinner while wandering around in a hotel bathrobe. Jessica cooks and complains about how hard it is for them to manage money when she has a $550 phone bill (the first she has ever paid by herself!) and went to Beverly Hills to get a tea set, which turned out to be $5,000 when she got to the register to pay for it. I was waiting for her next sentence to be that she didn’t purchase it because that’s effing ridiculous but instead, she snipes at Mike for always being on his phone. Mike can’t deal with the nagging of a wife who gets to stay home and cook dinner for him when he is out there trying to take over the world, one shoe at a time. Guys, he’s trying to build an empire, in case you didn’t hear. Now I don’t know how it works in L.A., but where I come from, people who are busy hustling to make things happen aren’t lounging around the house at dinner time in an embroidered bathrobe. What do these two see in each other outside of equal parts of delusion and overspending?
Asa and her hired help/family are busy playing Keeping up with the Kaftans since they are supposedly flying off the (refrigerator) shelves. Asa’s Mom complains she is bored while simultaneously saying that she should be the boss there. She wants to semi-retire from her respectable nursing job and come on board full time to help with the business. Asa’s Dad announces the great news that they have sold their 2,000th order of kaftans and I’m thinking maybe Asa’s Mom might want to hang out in nursing a little longer if she wants to get an actual paycheck. They bust out a bottle of champagne to celebrate and there goes another day of work.
MJ decides to start getting her name out in WeHo as the Condo Queen and drags her mom Vida along to a bingo drag show, which she is co-hosting with a drag queen named Roxy. Apparently, co-hosting this bingo night is so prestigious, only one other co-host has been invited to do so and that would be Barrack Obama. As in, the President of the United States. Can I get a fact check, please? Asa and Jessica come along to play bingo and avoid talking to Vida Dearest. MJ helps Roxy the Drag Queen call out numbers and I’m not 100% sure how this helps her get any business but she ends up taking a spanking for Vida Dearest, who falsely called out bingo when she really didn’t have it. MJ passes out a few business cards that likely went straight into the garbage once she was out of eye shot.
Reza and Mike meet for drinks and Mike talks about how much marriage sucks because he doesn’t get enough sex or blow jobs. Ugh, I see where this is going and feel my gag reflex starting to activate. Reza talks about how much action Mike’s dool needs and how if it doesn’t get that action, it’s going to get into trouble. Reza is talking about Mike’s penis like it’s a completely independent, free-thinking being that isn’t attached to someone who could decide otherwise. Mike goes on to explain that instead of his wedding ring being a deterrent to women when he goes out with single-guy Shervin Roohparvar, it makes women come after him more like he is “the forbidden fruit that everyone wants to taste.” BARRRRRRF. Has there ever been a slimier Bravolebrity (Slade Smiley is raising his hand right now) than Mike?
Just when I thought my gag reflex couldn’t take any more, they transition from talking about GG’s new boob job (Mike emphatically proclaims them a C cup) to talking about how they are worried for GG. Reza brings up the camping trip and their plan to stage an intervention for GG and insists Mike needs to come. Mike quickly discards the fact that he spent all last season accusing GG of lying about him trying to have sex with her and destroying his relationship and agrees to go. Well, that wasn’t hard. I guess hustling can wait another day.
MJ and Shervin meet for lunch to discuss camping in matching yellow ensembles. Where has Shervin been the whole episode? I wish they would give him more camera time since he seems to be the only one with a brain out of this crew. Shervin takes a more understanding approach when it comes to GG and explains how she needs their help since she’s in a dark place. He mentions how maternal MJ is and how she is going to have to keep her kids in line one day and should do the same for GG. MJ relents and decides she will do anything to get the old GG back.
Asa is on the beach shooting a look book chock full of hooded zebra print kaftans and talks about this photo shoot being her art, her childhood, her inspiration. I’m having flash backs to this same speech when she was burning sage around a giant water cooler for Diamond Water. Asa cheers on her models by telling them things like, “You are radiating intergalactical Star Wars Queen of another planet” and “the beauty of all women is inside of you and like, radiating out” as inspiration. The model pretends to know what the hell she is talking about and starts flapping the kaftan around. Asa barks out more orders about time being
diamond water money and the fact that they spent $25K on this look book. Asa insists on ending the shoot by forcing her parents into the high tide to take a picture of them and talk about how appreciative she is of how much they have risked for her to sell kaftans out of her refrigerator.
It’s time for the crew to head out on their trip and the Shahs arrive dressed for camping looking more like tailgaters at a Kid Rock concert. They all board an RV with GG at the helm, driving like Sandra Bullock in Speed. Reza has come equipped with childish pranks in the form of fake poop and spray that will stink up the RV. Even though they come close to driving off the road multiple times, Reza thinks it would be a great time to put the fake poo in the bathroom and spray up the RV to make it stink. As they all try not to retch out the window, GG weaves in and out of traffic and screeches to a halt in front of a government building so they can all spill out of the RV, screaming and gagging. This draws the attention of a security guard and they narrowly avoid getting arrested or being put on a watch list by piling back into the turd mobile and speeding off.
They finally arrive at their camping destination and decide to set up their tents. Reza throws shade by telling the group that Mike and GG can’t share a tent. They all laugh like this wasn’t the biggest issue of last season and didn’t completely divide the whole group. Mike whines that he wants to be as far away from GG’s tent as possible while she expertly sets up her tent and stabs her knife into the nearest tree. All with her RA hand, mind you.
As it gets dark, the Shahs finish the day holding hands over a camp fire and all we are missing is a guitar and some Kumbaya being sung. I guess we will have to wait until next week to see how this GG intervention goes down and I have a feeling s’mores won’t be the highlight of this camping trip.
Photo Credit: Bravo