Look Bravo, I’m tired of Kim Richards. I think I may have said this before, no? In fact, if I could get through an entire season or recap of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills without saying her name it would be wonderful. I’m sure Kyle Richards feels likewise.
Instead I’d prefer an endless loop of Lisa Vanderpump, going all 20’s gangsterina waving that long cigarette around while she purred a warning to Eden Sassoon.* Because the return of a cigarette while administering prophecy and warnings is the most classically amazing RHOBH thing ever… And this people is why LVP is my eternal favorite. Even if she is manipulating, she’s doing so with a style, glamour, and sophistication that is delightful.
LVP gives the people what they want, and the people want drama – the good kind! What people don’t want is more of Kim’s slurry excuses or Eden’s mish-mashed mumbo-jumbo. Instead put that shit in a smoothie with some of Lisa Rinna‘s Xanax!
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We all know that no matter what Kim and Kyle say and swear and desperately avow on a stack of Chanel, Kim is never going to change. She says horrible things to others, and will never show remorse or take responsibility. Her entire life is blaming the sock for bunching up inside her shoe yet refusing to change the f–king socks. I don’t know where they scrounged up Eden, a woman who surely has more going on in her life than this, but Eden better watch it cause the Wrath Of Richards is the only biblical thing about them. Well, that and kaftans. However, poisoned fruit? That’s solely Harry Hamlin‘s deal!
When Eden talks I hear Blah, Blah, Blah… when I find out her awkward hugs are something belong in a Seinfeld episode (and she gives Kyle one while wearing a puffy shirt!!!!), I am even more skeeved out. The only thing skeevier is that Dorit Kemsley behaved as a voice of reason amid all this malarkey, and she looked super chic doing it.
To begin, Kyle is throwing a party she stole from Kris Jenner, in a house she doesn’t own. Apparently people have been bemoaning the death of Kyle’s infamous White Party so she decided to really switch things up by doing a Gatsby party. Did I add that Kyle seems to have no idea what the Roaring 20’s actually was? Maybe she thought that was a euphemism for Kim’s early adulthood?
But you know, Kyle’s not so good on clarifying her definitions. Like when she insists she’s not an enabler while constantly defending Kim’s bad behavior. I’ll help her sort things out:
- “To make able; give power, means…” Example: A sister who always plays along with another sister’s nonsense, delusions, and bad behavior – defending them even while knowing they are wrong.
- To make possible or easy: A sister who is so desperate to not pay for all of another sister’s crazy that she allows her continue to disgrace and embarrass herself on national television.
- To equip: A person who would rather pretend her sister’s spewing is legitimate rather than call her out because it’s not worth it.
I don’t blame Kyle. I think she has tried long and hard with Kim and has finally given up, because she’d rather just take what she can get of the good stuff while trying to distance herself from the bad. As a person who has personally been there with a sibling, I SO GET IT. But you know what, even if Eden thinks she gets it, she doesn’t know their history and should focus on keeping her legs toned instead. Or at least come at them less aggressively.
Well anyway, Kyle apparently thinks this stolen party in a stolen house wearing clothes Eileen Davidson probably stole from the Y&R set makes it worth it for LVP to helicopter home from Capri early to attend. She’s probably right – after all, Kyle’s party planner wants to do a Walmart run from a $100 million dollar Malibu estate, and she’s got absinthe and giant lamps everywhere like it’s Alice In Wonderland, so naturally Kyle needs someone to play the role of wise smoking oracle, and who better than LVP in a giant updo?! Know this: The crown, Erika Jayne, you see it sparkling, but it’s made of smoke rings you’ll never be able to grab.
I should get back on track here cause I sound like I’ve been hitting up an absinthe bar. Or Lipsa’s baggie of ‘vitamins’ – “When Boredom and Emotional Fatigue Bring On A Housewife Headache…” visit your friendly neighborhood Rinnasist!
Lipsa, though, she’s trying to act good and normal this episode, so she throws an old fashioned BBQ and makes Harry do all the work. Apparently she’s been bragging of HH’s meat, and Erika is curious, very curious, to sample it. Unfortunately the party is almost derailed because HH decided to also make his equally famous pies (which were the subject of a pie-off with Cindy Crawford), yet neither he nor Lipsa know where they keep their rolling pin and they’re not sure they have flour. The housekeeper finds both – the flour was in the garage. What exactly are they cooking in there?!
While Lipsa scuttles around setting the table, the wives roll in. All are dressed semi-casually for a change, and Dorit and Harry are dressed like twins. Eden, however, Ms. Roadside Zen gleaned from Chicken Soup For The Spoiled Bitch’s Idea Of A Soul, arrives frazzled and upset over Kim. An encounter she had with Kim at PK’s birthday party over a week ago to be specific. Apparently Kim was mean and dismissive – you know, her usual!
After the party Eden had a dinner with Dorit during which she ranted non-stop about Kim, and now at this BBQ she’s ready to explode. Has Eden been drinking one of Rinna’s smoothies and it’s given her diarrhea of the mouth? Lipsa, however, is not pleased that Eden is bringing drama into her home – see, Lipsa is only allowed to bring drama into other people’s homes!
Dorit sits Eden down and explains that she really needs to speak with Kyle directly. Eden is really literal or something and gathers all the women, round-table style, so she can publicly share how Kim hurt her feelings. Meanwhile the dog is shitting in the grass behind them. The dog is the true voice of reason on this show. One by one the ladies find excuses to leave the conversation until there were 2, and Kyle lets Eden know that she really needs to just stop.
Well at least HH’s meat lived up to expectations!
Moving right along, Erika visits Eileen on set of Young & The Restless to do her formal audition in front of the camera. I actually thought Erika did great! And we got some acting advice from Eileen: a good actor always listens. Oh does she? Well Eileen may want to consider taking her own advice!
Then Dorit laments how she’s too fat and needs to get in shape for fashion, so she works out with the human equivalent of the Terminator who has Dorit bench pressing cases of Cristal, doing sprints with garment racks filled with gowns – in heels! – and climbing in and out of limos in mini skirts 300 times, then doing a complete outfit, hair, and makeup change in 10 minutes, finally holding poses on the red carpet for 10 minute intervals. It’s hard work being a trophy wife!
By the time Kyle’s party rolls around, Dorit is pooped! Truly everyone seems over the nonstop drama, which is really too bad because the only thing available is a port-a-potty. Can they not use the toilets inside the house they’re squatting in? Anyway, in the limo to the party Dorit reveals to Kyle that Eden has hooked her little claw around the idea that Kyle is enabling a wayward and cannot Kim. I don’t consider this was gossiping – I think Kyle does have a right to know this information.
Kyle arrives at the party unsettled by the news, and now nothing is going to plan! While Kyle is complaining to Kim about the music not being loud enough and the myriad of other issues, Eden invites herself into the conversation, CROUCHES ON THE GROUND IN FRONT OF THEM WHILE WEARING A GOWN, and shares that Kim and Kyle remind her so much of her own relationship with her sister so, after reading tea leaves and using the pilates reformer for 2 hours straight, she’s had a vision – a warning of apocalypse that that end is nigh and it is she who holds the keys to salvation through her advice. All answers can be Kim and Kyle’s with the purchase of a membership to Eden’s gym, washing with Vidal Sassoon for two months straight, and enjoying one of her smoothies at least 3 times per day.
Eden’s other warning is that Kyle’s friends are the one warning her of Kim’s issues… And just who might those friends be Kim and Kyle wonder? Uh 0h…
Honestly, Kim is annoying; Eden is annoying – Camille Grammer is right they should just go off and be friends. Even Kyle admits Kim needs some sober friends. But both Kim and Kyle just want Eden and her icky worries away from them. While Eden is beseeching Kyle and Kim to take her seriously and Kim is rambling about AA rules she herself doesn’t seem to practice, Eileen and Lipsa watch on, curious, but glad to be on the peripheral. Then they do the Charleston and find they’ve danced themselves right into a port-a-potty, surrounded by shit. Hilariously PK compares them to balcony occupants Statler and Waldorf from The Muppets. Sometimes art really does imitate life!
Finally LVP arrives, late and making a stunning entrance, waving a cigarette wand, sparkling with diamonds, and greeting Erika (who really oughtta wear Zelda hair every day) with a warning that she’s taken her fabulous and raised it a notch.
On the plus side, Erika and PK had a normal conversation during which Erika explained that she’s a very guarded person – except when it comes to her vajaynejay.
Unfortunately after her disastrous conversation with Kim and Kyle, Eden is in a state of turmoil. She attempts to find solace in LVP, but instead is warned that LVP will not have Kyle trifled with. After all, she must keep Kyle firmly under her manicured and diamond be-ringed thumb!
Honestly, though, LVP is a good friend and when you’ve earned that friendship, I don’t know why you’d want to waste it. Maybe Lipsa has an answer at the bottom of the Love Jar Eden gave her?
TELL US – BEST ROARING TWENTIES COSTUME? IS EDEN OUT OF CONTROL OR DOES SHE HAVE A RIGHT TO BE CONCERNED?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
*If you have never watched Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, I implore you to get on Netflix immediately and binge watch. OMG the costumes! The style! YES! YES! YES!