On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County, Kelly Dodd underwent a Real Housewives rite of passage and rejuvenated her vagina right on TV! It is a place many a’Housewives have gone before and lived to tell about it… which I guess is a blessing, right?! Also, Vicki Gunvalson‘s devotion to proving she did not fake cancer continued with her cozying up to newbie Peggy Sulahian by promising to be the best darn girlfriend Peggy ever did have.
Shannon Beador is dressing like Carnie Wilson now, but she will not mediate Housewives disputes with cheesecakes. Instead she will go to Tamra Judge‘s house and sip water laced with Pure Calm pills. Tamra promises they create an ethereal zen, like being inside the mind of Dr. Moon as he practices transcendentalism. Despite her avid non-toxicism, the cotillion queen in Shannon admits a cocktail would work better.
Shannon probably needs a mind eraser to help swallow her embarrassment about tossing a plate at Kelly. It’s certainly one way to kick-start a diet! Tamra insists she saw the devil in Kelly’s eyes the moment she walked through the door of The Quiet Woman, but I’m pretty sure that was actually Kelly’s intense focus on finding the toilet. Tamra also believes Kelly was wasted-drunk. More likely Kelly was drunk on smugness over getting Shannon riled up enough to toss those cotillion manners into the garbage with Lydia McLaughlin‘s dinner!
Across the OC, Kelly is trying to wrangle a clothing steamer, or maybe it was a vacuum because it wasn’t taking the wrinkles out of Kelly’s life! Kelly tells Michael she and Shannon could be Whoop It Up-dom soulmates (their Mecca is Andales!), if it weren’t for “Teflon Tamra” the “new puppet master” interfering. Apparently Shannon is morphing into Tamra in some ways… not the ways which enjoys eating white fish, though!
According to Dr. Kelly, Shannon is suffering from Stockholm Syndrome because Tamra kidnapped her emotional state and “mentally” locked her up. So it’s Kelly’s duty to free Shannon from this captive friendship? Saton is confusing!
Lydia hosts a birthday party for her son Stirling at her mom Judy’s house. Strangely the guest list includes Kelly, Vicki, and Peggy. Well Vicki and Kelly act like children… The moment Peggy walks through the door, Kelly profusely yells apologies for her tirade towards Shannon.
Pre-party Lydia had warned Judy that fairy dust is not strong enough to cure the ills between Kelly and Shannon. I think what Lydia means is that she tried (and failed) to put the OC Humpty-Dumpty that is Tamnon and Kelicki back together again, and she’s now turning it over to the glistening goddess of synthetic sparkle.
So, Judy – she’s sweet, right, but maybe too contrived in her eccentricity? She has a crown collection, which she keeps in the kitchen. Sometimes she and her husband do the dirty wearing said crowns, then Judy cooks eggs with magical mushrooms in them. Those crown are like Candi Spelling‘s wrapping paper room – aka too much money to waste and not enough sense!
During the party Judy sprinkles glitter on Lydia to provide a “glimmer of hope,” “glisten of happiness,” and “shine of belief” to help her survive Housewives drama. The invasive glittering makes Peggy want to flee in her fantasy wheels, back to the land of real sparkles. “It’s hard to clean up… and I don’t want it on me,” Peggy frets. By the way Kelly was picking her teeth I thought some glitter must have gotten in her food. Maybe it will make her mouth shine with happy thoughts and good will?
Judy isn’t focusing in her aura on Peggy though – she actually can’t wait “to dust” Shannon! Of all the ladies, I think Shannon not only wants glistens, but needs them. Anything to combat that toilet in the relationship corner, right?!
Now I must interrupt this recap to discuss Lydia’s brother Jesse. The fate of Uncle Jesse’s everywhere, apparently, is to be HOT.
Also hot is Peggy’s ring. Which she bought from the Alexis Bellino collection of designer imposters fakemonds. Kidding! Peggy’s ring is real. Not real is Vicki’s insta-bond with Peggy as she warns her that some of the girls are are terrible, no good, very bad friends. “They’ll turn on you,” she cautions. Vicktim – sit down, and stop pretending you’ll bring Peggy casseroles for cancer with your “I’ll be there – anything you need…” nonsense. Does Vicki think Peggy needs juice?! Or a binder for her
hallmark cards medical records?
Then Vicki complains that medial issues should be private. I guess Vicki Cancerpants had a change of heart and Brooks be thy name.
In other Vicki developments, she has a new Hermes belt and she’s wearing it all day, every day, everywhere and even when she takes Kelly to get her vagina tightened! Kelly needs this tightening because she’s not “gettin’ the nookie” from Michael, and because if she didn’t have to pee constantly she could’ve avoided the awkward bathroom brawl with Shannon. “I’m hoping the tightening of the puss makes everything better for everybody,” Kelly chirps. How… enlightening! Perhaps Vicki Gunderpants should be looking into this. #WhathappensinMexico…
Since Vicki hates watching medical procedures, she tries hiding in the corner. Which is probably how Brooks managed to convince her he was getting cancer treatments! Vicki finally calms down enough to hold Kelly’s hand. Then up Kelly’s cooch goes the burning wand! Some smoke comes out, and a few minutes later Kelly is awarded a brand new vagina – but she can’t use it for the next 7 days. “That’s easy,” Kelly shrugs.
Shannon swears she’s gonna be calm while teaching Sophie to drive. …5 seconds later she’s gripping the arm rest and shrieking while gasping for air. “She’s a permit driver!” Shannon actually yelled out the window as Sophie glided peacefully to a stop before a red light. Shannon’s
life car probably needs to come equipped with one of those drop-down air masks on airplanes.
Tamra is speaking about Erased Parents. Ryan comes over to help her write the speech, aka drink beer and cry. Tamra’s relationship with Simon has improved because they’ve finally realized they need to co-parent. Will miracles never cease?! It turns out Sidney speaks to Ryan (not Tamra though), and Tamra juuuuust so happened to be shopping with Sarah while Sidney was at Ryan’s house. While dropping Sarah off Tamra saw Sidney for the first time in 4 years, and they managed to remain in the same room together for 30 minutes without one of them running out. So Tamra is actually routinely running out of rooms that contain her teenaged daughter? I just…
Let’s discuss the flashback of Ryan! He and Tamra were literally having the exact. same. conversations seven years ago and the only difference being how Ryan’s look has changed. Ryan’s drama with Sarah and becoming a father (and step-father) have made him have a reckoning about ol’ Simon.
This is a hallelujah moment for Tamra who praises Ryan (aged 55-ish) for finally growing up. Tamra advises Ryan to show his “mangina” to make things work with Sarah. Why do I think Tamra will be preaching to Ryan about growing up 25 years from now when he’s completely bald and Tamra has morphed into
Kelly’s mom a Maxine cartoon.
Finally it’s time to check in with Orange County’s other most esteemed mama: the self-erased Meghan King Edmonds. Meghan, who cared so very, VERY much about being the #coolstepmom, admits she hired a nanny without checking her qualifications first cause like duh, motherhood is boring and babies don’t do anything!
Meghan needed that nanny – she has important things to do like invite her frienemy Kelly over for a cheese platter. While Meghan and the nanny stand in the kitchen fussing over the dog and the cheese, the baby is nowhere to be found. Meghan only invited Kelly cause she needs this Housewives job so Jimmy Dad Jeans will let her keep the nanny.
Meghan has morphed back into a teenage girl. Literally. Meghan and Kelly have been text-fighting because Meghanny Drew, Girl Failtective heard on twitter that Kelly had a boyfriend, and asked her about it. Kelly reacted by texting a 7-months prego Meghan that Jimmy has a mistress. Meghan is mad – who texts that to a pregnant woman?! Or any woman?! How rude! Maybe Shannon should offer a refresher course in cotillion manners.
Despite the drama, Meghan has decided it’s easier to get along with Kelly than fight with her, so who wants to come over for prosciutto that my unqualified nanny is touching way too much like it’s some other sausage shape that can lead to babies unless you have Jimmy Dad Jeans and his unqualified sperm! Meghan needs to stop flat ironing her hair and her brain.
Kelly wears a man’s shirt – that totally DOES NOT belong to her totally secret boyfriend – with no pants, and Meghan answers the door holding THE DOG – not the baby – and they spend like 15 minutes standing in the doorway while Kelly gushes about how the dog looks just like Jim. (I kid) Kelly gifts Aspen a matching “risky business dress” and Meghan compares Kelly to a three-year-old having a tantrum.
On the positive Meghan’s interview look with the red dress and the side-part hair is fantastic. Whomever did that to her needs to be in her permanent employ.
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Cancer Crusader Vicki visits Peggy because she really wants to “be there” for her. Peggy and Diko lead Vicki into the garage first where Vicki calls Peggy’s luxury cars blessings and decides they’re destined to be friends. Likewise Peggy instantly liked Vicki and believes she’s genuine. Inside they bond over losing their parents and Vicki acted like a real-life human for a second.
Oh Peggy… you seem like a sweet, kind person, but clearly are very sheltered. Sheltered and normal enough to have a legit after-gym ponytail on TV. Peggy needs to remember Vicki’s warning about girls who pretend to be your friends, and realize that was Vicki projecting.
Tamra drags her entire family to the Erased Families event. Unfortunately her mom doesn’t come because she has to work – or she wants to avoid Tamra’s dad, depending on who you ask. After her parents’ divorce Tamra was the ‘Sidney‘ and erased her father, but now they’re close.
Tamra gives an emotional speech honoring her dad and Ryan. And after two divorces, Tamra has now decided divorce is horrible. She’s on a crusade against its evils. She also threatened to punch people in the throat if they reassure her that Sidney will eventually forgive her. I think the point was that Tamra isn’t a bad mom, she just feels like one on TV and Ryan needs to learn from her mistakes by staying with Sarah even if they make each other miserable, because this is best for the children. Well, at at least Eddie was impressed!
TELL US – WOULD YOU LET SHANNON TEACH YOU TO DRIVE? IS VICKI BEING SINCERE TO PEGGY?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]