Was last night Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills horror story, or what?! A witch hunt! Gossip that comes back to haunt. The poltergeist that refuses to be exorcised. Mini cheesecakes that stalk through the night! The Twisted Sisters Richards back for revenge. The zombie audience of collected Housewives shaking from sugar, desperate to feast on the UN-Botoxed remains of low-carb brain. And Carnie Wilson (!) returns from the dead as a really good counselor.
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Before all of that, Kyle Richards cleaned out the garage, because apparently she’s a high class hoarder. The only thing separating her from an A&E reality show is the ability to afford something called a “Personal Memory Sorter,” who compartmentalizes all Kyle’s crap into individual boxes, labels them, and stacks them in a corner. There’s a box labeled “REAL REALITY (Not produced by Bravo),” a few labeled “KIM” or “KIM:RAGE,” and one called “Kathy.”
Kyle calls Lisa Vanderpump to invite her to a dessert tasting for Carnie Wilson‘s cheesecake line. I know – have you ever heard of a less RHOBH party? A DESSERT TASTING?! CHEESECAKE?! For the first half of the episode, I couldn’t figure out the connection and was confused about why Kyle was hosting Carnie’s wedding cake tasting at her house with a collected audience of Housewives who never eat cake (and don’t want anyone else to have it either). I assumed Carnie wanted a tax write-off, or something, but nope. It turns out Carnie beat alcoholism by channeling her emotions into cake, so now she’s testing her wares on a very appropriate audience. Well, except for the fact that most of these women consider vitamins dinner. (They only eat Harry Hamlin blueberry pies!)
Anyway, before she sold her soul to the devil called dessert, LVP opened her heart to dogs in need by purchasing an enormous property to transform into the ultimate dog refuge. The Yulin Dog Festival has scarred Ken and Lisa for life, so they are determined to make a difference for our furry friends. They both cry over images from the festival which ugh – disgusting. I cannot believe something like that is taking place today. Bravo to Ken and Lisa for raising awareness.
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Then Erika Jayne practices rehearsing for Y&R at Eileen Davidson‘s house. Eileen has recovered from her gastrointestinal issues just in time to wear a backless jumpsuit. She was only one Montezuma’s Revenge away from her goal weight (and high school wardrobe). Now she’s only five mini cheesecakes away from another bout of Montezuma’s Revenge. It’s the circle of life.
Then everyone gathers their wits and heads to Kyle’s menagerie of desserts. In the limo, Lipsa confesses to Erika that after carefully thinking through the past, she doesn’t believe Eden Sasssoon was lying, so she probably DID say all those things about Kim. Erika all but cackles at the ridiculousness of Lipsa’s realization and begins composing a ballad commemorating Lipsa’s life to perform at her memorial service. It will include Mikey, thongs, and back-up dancers dressed as lips, while Erika abandons her infamous blonde cape-coiffe, for a wig styled in Lipsa’s “iconic” hair-do.
Anyway, Lipsa admits that her confessional diarrhea happened the day after game night, when she was emotional after her latest confrontation with Kim. She had a Lips Of Judgement and overly confided in Eden. It happens. Lipsa has decided she’s going to confess the whole thing to Kim over cheesecakes, when everyone is presumably distracted by all the fat they’re consuming? Lisa is also attempting to soften the blow by bringing a giant stuffed bunny as a baby gift for Kim’s grandson. She should’ve gotten a gag order against herself, framed it, and wrapped it, then handed it over. Now THAT is a peace offering!
Look – I don’t think what Lipsa said was right. She’s an idiot – that has been a well-established fact here at ol RHOBH – but the reality is no one should be acting as if Kim is an innocent. Kim’s past and troubles do not excuse her behavior, and as we saw at game night and last night, she is all too willing to say horrible things about others and place blame to distract from her own bad behaviors. Furthermore, she takes NO accountability.
Kim brought ammunition in the form of her AA sponsor, who was there to “prove” to the women that Kim is working on sobriety, but the sponsor turned out to be necessary in steering these women – especially Kim and Lisa – towards a path of sanity. Carnie Wilson turned out to be a necessary element of that as well. Love bites indeed.
As soon as Kim arrives, it’s awkward. She will not look at nor address Eden, who she blames for being a bad fellow sober person for repeating Lipsa’s comments. Then Lipsa arrives hiding behind that ginormous bunny, before retreating into the living room to confess to Eileen that she did in fact say all those things. Eileen is shocked. Kinda. OK, not really, but she is a good friend who understands Lipsa and encourages her to be honest with Kim and Kyle.
Kyle notices the absence of Lipsa and goes to find her, likely to cram a cheesecake down her throat (will that shut her up?!) because she shall not escape the suffering of calories. Lipsa is just about to confess to Kyle when Carnie demands they all eat cheesecakes immediately. This lady is gooooood.
So right there, over Key Lime Pie flavor in front of the entire group, Lipsa announces her misdeed to Kim. At first I was like IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!? Then I realized – right move. This way no one is able to twist what was said, because they all would be seeing it with their own two eyes that Lipsa was “OWNING IT!” (said in LVP’s imitation of a squeaky American accent).
Predictably, Lipsa’s reckoning moment did not go well. Kim was livid. Kim had the support of LVP and Dorit Kemsley in her fight to take down the lips of destruction, and of course, Kyle jumped hair-long into the fight. Now I could recount this word-for-word, but you all saw it, and instead I’m going to focus on meaning vs. message.
As I said above, Lipsa’s comments about Kim were inappropriate, HOWEVER, this act of Poor Whiddle KimKillah Richards – they’re hurting her son Kingsley – oh, Rambles… you deserve only love and endless sympathy. Shut up. Nonsense. And Kyle constantly blindly going to bat for Kim is ridiculous. And enabling.
Kyle DID say that she feared Kim was near death the year before. Kim doesn’t act “in recovery”- look at her behaviors vs. those of Eden and Carnie‘s. Or her sponsor’s. Kim REFUSES to own-up to any part in what led her and Lipsa to this place. Dorit was wasted on game night and apparently doesn’t recall Kim baiting Lipsa. Also, for Kim to pretend she never said anything about Harry Hamlin: Bullshit. Semantical Bullshit.
Furthermore, LVP was instigating, using Rambles as a way to get at Lipsa. I understand – LVP deserves to be pissed over how Lipsa betrayed her last season, but LVP herself has been the victim of Kim’s nonsense plenty of times. She knows how that woman rolls. Kim and Kyle, as Carnie pointed out, lack empathy. Yes, Eden is meddling and annoying, but she comes from a place of hurt. Truly. That woman is raw and ripped open like the guts of a tilapia.
The strangest moment was when Kyle viciously hissed at LVP to “pick a lane!” as Lisa tried to point out the facts of what happened with Kim.
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Kim is ON TV – she is willing to air her issues on WWHL, Dr. Phil, other reality shows, interviews… it’s only off-limits on RHOBH? Not fair! Kim herself needs to pick a lane, and Kyle, well she needs to stop acting like Kim’s guard dog. Other adult women are allowed to have opinions about Kim and Kim’s issues.
In the end, Carnie and her cheesecakes intervened. She steered these women onto the path of healing by pointing out something necessary: despite all their plastic parts, they’re all humans. Lipsa is, Eden is, Kyle and Kim are; and they all come with their own shit – even if it is wrapped in Chanel bags or stored in perfectly labeled and compartmentalized Tupperware in their designer, temperature-controlled garages. It appeared that, for the first time, Kim and Lipsa actually reached a place of true understanding.
I also do not believe, as LVP does, that that Lipsa “owning it” was an attempt to gloss things over, when she’s not really sorry. I believe she does want to move on – if only because hating on Kim makes HER look bad. I actually think that FOR ONCE we saw real emotion and progress from them. Like Kyle said – Lipsa doesn’t have to “love” Kim (or vice versa); they don’t like each other, that is fine, but they need to stop with the backstabbing and provoking. And if Lipsa is gong to be friends with Kyle, she cannot be an enemy of Kim. I was also pleased to see Kyle call out Kim’s nonsense in her constant denials over the “What Did Harry Do…” situation.
With that, I hope never have to hear the words “my sobriety” on RHOBH again. We have ‘done’ KimKillah Rambles Richards and we have been bitten by Kingsley – enough! Also by Lipsa “owning it” and confessing, outright to the group, she stymied this mess from becoming a seasons(plural)-long drama about what was said, and when and why, growing into its own monster named Hauschen-Mousen.
So finally, the women of RHOBH realize what the rest of us have for years: cheesecake saves. But as LVP wonders, “Is cheesecake buying me jewelry?” (Favorite line from last night).
TELL US – DO YOU THINK KIM AND LIPSA HAVE FINALLY MOVED FORWARD? DID LIPSA ‘OWN IT’?
Photo Credits: Bravo