Manners, decorum, propriety… oh my! After 5 seasons of educating us on how to behave and why, Heather Dubrow has entered Housewives Protection Program, changed her locks, and left Real Housewives Of Orange County.
Now it’s time to give an official farewell to Bravo’s First Lady of Perfectly Chilled Champs. After years of Heather pontificating about the right way to do wrong, and the wrong way to do wrong, and the wrong way to do everything in between, it only seems appropriate to memorialize Heather The Housewife with an affirmational retrospective.
Dang season 7 was good – Tamra Barney was having bathtub sexy times with Eddie, Vicki Gunvalson unveiled Brooks, and Tamra and Gretchen were wearing friendship bracelets. Heather, meanwhile, drank Champs for breakfast, was married to uber-rich Dr. Terry Dubrow, exercised in Chanel, lived in a monogrammed mansion, and scooted around LA in a helicopter. She busied herself by pretending to open a restaurant with her super-rich L.A. friends and revamping an acting career. We never actually saw any of Heather’s ‘real life’ now that I recall.
Tamra played Heather’s realtor, because even then the Dubrows were embarking on plans to build a bigger, better, fancier mansion. That was about 300 years ago in Housewives time, in an era when Botox could truly erase the progress of marrying for money and earning every cent.
Heather had it all: money, manners, a husband she was able to mock mercilessly, a mansion, and a massive former career only interrupted by motherhood. Things didn’t exactly pan out when Heather realize she’d be stuck with the likes of Gretchen Rossi and Tamra.
Thrown into this mix of badly behaving blondes, Heather was the brunette voice of reason and it was clear a Nurse Ratchet was badly needed to sedate these inmates. Obviously Bossy Barbie came with her own arsenal of monogrammed and bedazzled hygienic latex gloves. Heather’s an actress, right, so she made the best of the material, put on her best counselor face, and approached RHOC as the role of a lifetime.
Heather strove to keep herself above the interpersonal fray by maternally guiding the other women and only got down in the dirt for a mud run! Behind-the-scenes was Heather a scheming puppet master? Many of have suggested as much… so the Emmy for fakest Housewife in a vacation performance goes to… oh, right Alexis Bellino.
Heather’s House: Credit
Heather immediately clashed with Alexis, whose life was the antithesis of Heather’s very real and authentic perfection. As Tamra explained, “Heather is everything Alexis wants to be.” Alexis introduced herself as a Jesus-loving blowjob queen who talked sex before career to new girlfriends, and Heather was scornful.
When the ladies went “Glamping,” Heather seized the opportunity for the Re-education Of Alexis Bellino. If there’s one thing Heather cannot stand, it’s a nose job masquerading as a deviated septum! As someone who married a plastic surgeon “as an insurance policy,” Heather wasn’t fooled by Alexis’s Botox-eyed innocence! Trapped in the woods, with nothing but boxed wine between them, Heather lectured Alexis on being a rhinestone in the rough for pretending she locked her real diamond wedding ring in a safe to avoid theft and wore a designer imposters fake. As if!
During a cast trip, Heather decided Alexis was desperately in need of another “fakervention.” Couture does not mean “like rich,” and Heather should know! Furthermore, those with real money don’t need to constantly prove it, do they?
After the harsh words, Alexis expected an apology. Instead, Heather informed Alexis that it was she who should apologize for ruining Heather’s vacation by forcing her into the position of explaining the truth. Alexis doesn’t consume word salad, so that went nowhere.
The trouble was, no one really ‘got’ Heather’s class. She came to Tamra’s Bunco party dressed as a Robert Palmer video vixen in homage to trophy wives. She presumed they’d all understand the sentiment, “She’s so fine, there’s no telling where the money went…” #HeathersHubrisRearedItsPerfectlyCoiffedHead
Finally Heather decided she’d had enough playing Ms. Paige Kent, actress at large, because it was far more lucrative to play the role of Mrs. Dubrow, wife to world-renowned plastic surgeon on a reality TV show, so she held a ‘name change party’ for the season finale. Oh the drama! Heather informed a hushed congregate of Housewives still fully in awe of her thraw. “I’m sorry, but that girl Sarah, broke the bow off my cake and ate it!” That girl Sarah was Alexis’s friend. And nobody put’s Heather’s bow in their cheaply glossed lips! Of all the garrulous manners! Of all the atrocious misbehavior! Well, Heather never!
At the reunion, Heather squarely informed Alexis that it was time to just admit her phony lies. “If everyone says you’re dead, it’s time to lie down.” Poor Heather assumed that was the nail in Alexis’s coffin, but bless her heart, Alexis staged a resurrection. She has risen on the eleventh hour to re-sign her Bravo contract for The Return Of Jesus Barbie. Oh bother.
Season 8 was a hot mess, was it not? Heather opened the season with a clambake, where her perfect life facade started slipping over onion rings. What Terry wants, Terry does not get, because Heather controls the clams. Emerging from the sea, however, was Vicki’s newest incarnation of her face. Heather’s best manners were put to the test as she ran onion rings around the awkwardness of Vicki resembling raw clams. Of course TERRY would never botch anyone’s plastic surgery like that.
Onion Rings turned out to be euphemism for marriage in need of life preserver, because thus began Heather’s frustrations that Terry’s career was suddenly more important than her. How can Heather have a career if Terry is doing all the career-ing, and what about how she once almost kinda could’ve won an Academy Award?! Now Heather’s job had become babysitting Terry’s cholesterol! The bickering reached a pinnacle when Terry publicly [gasp!] uttered the dreaded “D-word”: Divorce. Heather thought very long and hard about how that was undermining her perfect perfection as the most perfect wife. Terry was on notice and so we were – no real life veneer cracking for this real Housewife!
There was also still drama with the unwelcome return of Alexis. The ladies met for the first time at Tamra’s soon-to-be-CUT Fitness. Alexis assumed she was there to make peace; Heather and Tamra believed they were there for ‘Fakervention Part 2: The Undead Are Re-Deadened.” They obviously had no sympathy for Alexis’s tearful admissions of being on anti-anxiety medicine desperately trying to live up to Heather’s standards. Heather so did not bully Alexis! She was simply trying to help her live her best life!
Heather then battled Gretchen over a guest appearance role on the now defunct sitcom Malibu Country. Heather was offered a part – just Heather, untapped acting talent, Heather! Nobody but Heather was worthy. Unless you’re Gretchen, who claimed she too was offered that same guest role! Heather quickly decided that couldn’t possibly be true and ‘confirmed’ that Gretchen was pity-invited, after much begging, for a ‘walk-on role’ playing herself. Heather, on the other hand, was to be playing … herself.
Heather also clashed with Alexis’s friend Lydia McLaughlin. Lydia and her hubby Doug hoped to feature Heather’s home in their magazine about fancy-pants living. Except, Heather is too fancy-pants for a regular old spread, if she couldn’t land the cover in all her glory, than she refused to participate at all. Well, that’s not good manners!
Also not good manners was the bachelorette party Gretchen and Heather planned for Tamra in Mexico. Heather was so un-fun, Vicki was forced to kidnap Tamra and human traffic her to Andales where the party only stops when someone pees on your bed! The kidnapping occurred while Heather is in the bathroom, so maybe if Vicki had done her due diligence and peed she could’ve avoided accidents!
Things got worse for Hygenic-Heather when Gretchen hired Mexican strippers to gyrate in everyone’s spaces. Heather was forced to find lysol and latex (gloves, not condoms) to save herself. It was surely the lowest point of her life! Also terrible, according to Heather, was Gretchen’s staged proposal to Slave. I think she borrowed Heather’s heli for her grand entrance (kidding), and Heather was all too eager to call her out on that little nonsense! With that, it was time for Heather to metaphorically escort both Gretchen and Alexis to the door.
Then came Season 9, aka The Arrival Of Shannon Beador.
Heather stole Shannon’s chair, Shannon stole Heather’s friends, and Tamra got in the middle of it all with her constant twisting and writhing. Tamra justified gossiping about Shannon’s marriage claiming she wanted Heather to understand why Shannon was so unhinged. Wouldn’t you be if your marriage was falling apart over cheating? Of course, Heather, Shannon’s neighbor, already knew – everyone did! Apparently Shannon was the only person in Orange County who didn’t know.
Poor Shannon innocently arrived as the new girl to Tamra’s Halloween party, ready to tell everyone about the wonderful non-toxic life she lead, when Heather decided Shannon was annoying. The problem was that everyone liked Shannon and her kooky world and wounded heart! Tamra tried to help Heather with her little problem of being a snob, but it’s not Heather’s fault she’s perfect! It was the beginning of The Fall Of Fancypants.
Tamra’s issues with Heather were over Heather hosting a news segment which featured a rival gym. Heather blamed casting agents, but Tamra heard it was actually her very good friend Heather who made the decision. On that note, Tamra decided perhaps she was Team Shannon, not Team Heather. Heather made amends by getting CUT to appear next but the segment went badly. Which Tamra blamed on Heather being negligent and unwelcoming.
In Fancypants’ revenge, she intentionally stole Shannon’s chair at dinner! Knocking Shannon off her rocker! Heather was only playing telepathic musical chairs and Shannon just didn’t understand the rules. Not her fault! If Shannon had been savvier about her Housewives, she would know: bad things happen when one goes to the bathroom during dinner.
Heather held a ‘ground-breaking party hoedown‘ for her new house, where she intentionally dangled a then-unknown Meghan Edmonds in David’s face to make Shannon feel ostracized and unloved. Heather also lectured Shannon for being late. When Tamra tried to ‘fix’ things both Heather and Tamra accused her of stirring the pot, so Heather told the mechanical bull operator to turn it all the way up during Tamra’s turn. Tamra got thrown off on her ass.
Heather finally invited Shannon for a drink ‘to start over’, but Heather had pre-gamed with the very friends who knew of David’s affair. Heather then let it slip to Tamra. Naturally, Tamra, a good person with a good heart, had to tell Shannon that some very unkind things were being said about her marriage. And then David went ahead and mentioned the unkind things were being said… by Heather. Heather was fine with that, the problem was that Shannon kept yelling at her. NOT OK! Use your inside voice!
One stormy night a hysterical Shannon payed an unannounced visit to Heather’s home. Heather was enjoying her evening cocktail when the knock came. It was Shannon demanding to know – YELLING! – why Heather was saying untrue things about her marriage. Heather had no choice but to demand Shannon go and literally kicked her out! “Please leave,” she demanded until Shannon retreated.
Then poor sweet new girl Lizzie Rovsek threw a dinner party and everything blew up in Shannon’s face because Tamra and Heather were suddenly friends again. Before that, though, Tamra claimed Terry and Heather had a plan to “take the Beadors down”? When Shannon asked Tamra for confirmation, Tamra denied saying that. Heather denied it as well, and Shannon flipped out. In the midst of her epic meltdown, Heather declared that Shannon was having “a psychotic break” and suggested an ambulance. Heather’s not a doctor, but she plays one on TV.
Then they went on a cast trip to Bali where Tamra finally got called out for being the pot-stirrer. As she cried and ran away, where was her friend Heather? Why, leading the charge! At the finale, for one brief moment Shannon grew a clue and realized it was actually The Real Heather‘ stirring the pot, but she was paralyzed to do anything about it.
After that dramatic season Heather almost quit the show, but not yet!
Everything that season was overshadowed by all the craziness of Brooks faking cancer, and Heather was keeping her mask on tight to avoid any scandal. Miraculously Shannon managed to completely forgive Heather. Her friend Meghan also joined the show. Heather busied herself promoting her champs, Colette, and taking custodial care of a giant styrofoam champagne bottle fake-cake. Of course Shannon ruined the launch by arguing with David, screaming at Meghan over private phone numbers, and having one of her infamous ‘moments of over-reaction.’ Can no one behave?
They tried to relax in Tahitia, but Shannon decided Meghan must have been Jim’s ‘other woman’ before they married and allegedly called Heather a terrible person for being friends with the ex-wife and the present one. Or so TAMRA claimed. Or did Tamra get it twisted?
Heather was too busy to bother because she was occupied constructing her ginormous mansion. Porta-cocherre anyone? Champagne doorbell for her closet? 14 bathrooms? Two pizza ovens or one?! Nothing is sacred because Meghan ruined Heather’s structural housewarming party by arguing with Vicki about Brooks medical records. Can no one behave?
Suddenly Heather found herself involved, mildly speculating about Brooks‘ illness being “hinky” and pretending to care about Tamra’s bibilical makeover. Heather then found herself directly implicated in a lie told by Vicki that Terry administered a middle of the night IV to an ailing Brooks. That story –not one iota true!
During the reunion, Heather found herself in the comfortable place of morally superior high ground and decided to return for season 11.
Last season was Heather’s final hurrah, because in addition to Vicki’s return, Kelly Dodd joined the cast. And boy did Kelly come in with a ginormous bang.
Heather was the first person to allow Vicki to grovel for forgiveness over Brooks‘ cancer scheming lie. Since Heather makes the rules, slowly but surely the other women – except for the ever-maligned Shannon – followed her lead. It was pretty clear Heather was staying on the show to promote Terry’s spinoff, her Evine line skincare line, and her book. All of which were unfortunately over-shadowed by Kelly’s craziness, which had Heather looking like the bad news witch doctor spinning these broads into a nasty mess!
Kelly’s horrid behavior at Shannon’s 70’s party was too much for Heather – being embarrassing in a costume is an assault she cannot bear. Kelly’s messy antics had Heather questioning whether it was safe to have Kelly around her children. Which put a wrench in Tamra’s plan to take them all to Glamis for a little extreme go-carting. Tamra innocently told her completely untrustworthy friend Vicki about Heather’s concerns, so Vicki turned around and told Kelly everyone called her a diabolically bad mother.
Of course it was Kelly’s fault for screaming c-u-next-tuesday in a restaurant prompting Heather to rip off her mic and demand Kelly immediately vacate the premises for Manners Rehab. When Kelly confronted Heather about the bad mom comment, Heather completely denied it, and so to Glamis they went.
In Glamis Tamra nearly killed them and Heather was required to use the EMT training she learned from method acting to save Vicki’s life, then force Meghan into a never-ending death spiral of guilt over refusing to come to Vicki’s rescue too. I mean, God Meghan, don’t you know, what Heather says, goes! Realizing she was nearly on the path to friendship termination, Meghan apologized. But not before Heather questioned if Meghan could possibly be a good mother!
The Glamis incident temporarily bonded Vicki, Heather, Kelly, and Tamra so they went to a spa where Vicki dished how David was a horrible husband with a deep, dark past. And did Shannon’s friends defend her?
Then at the launch of Heather’s book, Meghan decided everyone should just go to Ireland. Perfect place to get Kelly super drunk so she’d say really inflammatory things like that Heather lied about owning her house and make Tamra hit her then ruin Heather’s life by getting them kicked out of a high-end department store!
Heather decided Kelly just needed fireball shots for lunch, then Shannon figured tequila would smooth things over – even after Kelly tried to lay off the sauce. So on that final night, an enormous fight erupted over the alleged plot to get Kelly drunk. It turns out Kelly didn’t need booze to out all the secrets Vicki had spilled. Was Terry up to no good with another lady? Did Shannon have strange hairs on her chinny-chin-chin? Did David beat her? Was Eddie gay? Was Vicki the enemy of everyone? (YES!)
In the tense mayhem, Heather grabbed Meghan’s face and sneered that her friend Kelly was crazy. “I feel bad for her kid,” she hissed, inferring that Kelly was a very bad, unhinged human being who had no place in normal society. One who deserved to have her “psychotic break” videotaped by Heather’s phone. Kelly realized what Shannon was afraid to say, that Heather was the puppet master of all bad things, a usurper of her fun, and needed to be called out for interloping.
It was Heather’s last bow. She called it quits to focus on her ‘real career’ – one where she can control all the players and bit parts, which lines get read, the curtain calls, and all the bad outfits.
DO YOU MISS HEATHER? WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE HEATHER MOMENT?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]