Dorit Kemsley

Ugh – it’s official, Dorit Kemsley is the one with multiple personalities, not Erika. It’s like Dorit’s evil doppelgänger does all these bad behaviors on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, then Dorit swoops in with a new hair style and a new accent to pretend she has “absolutely no idea” what anyone is talking about because she, a woman of impeccable etiquette, would never EVER call someone a C-word during dinner, or throw a fit over the wrong wine glass at a party, or be one hour late to a drinks meeting then lie about it.

No, she will throw Casino Royale parties where arrives via helicopter in designer gowns, waving to her people and smiling graciously. Dorit’s idealized self is not communicating with her actual self and we’re having problems here. Big time!

Last season, I thought Dorit was righteous in her pursuit against misperception and I supported her, but this season I see that Dorit just doesn’t get things. Namely she doesn’t get that hers is not the only perception which exists.

Anyway, last night PK turned 50, but once again last night was all about Dorit. Sure, some other stuff happened, but mostly this was about Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s issues with Dorit’s selves. Is Dorit the singing telegraph girl, or is she Miss Manners, or is she the ultimate trophy wife?

Also, Teddi is making quite the splash this season – and this is before we’ve even seen her beach ‘cottage.’ The problem is that Teddi is actually nice. Also she’s grown up with all that money and celebrity and made the choice to escape, so she doesn’t have all the designer baggage necessary to make a good (re: delusional and desperate) Housewife. So why is she on this show? And why is there a job out there that entails Instagramming at someone to remind them to go to the gym. Why didn’t I come up with that concept (because I do this, which is also not really a job-job, per se).

Erika & Kyle

Erika Girardi and Kyle Richards go shopping on Rodeo Drive and fondly recall their days of being upstart trophy wives living out Pretty Woman moments of being ignored in fancy shops. In their dreams. In their realities, they can haplessly buy $300 jackets they will literally never wear then walk out giggling because no one thinks they’re poor now.

Erika bonded with Dorit over $3M cars, and Erika is shocked by how different different Dorit is one-on-one, once she lets go of the pretensions and the panty patrolling. This is the side of Dorit that Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump know and love. This is the side of Dorit that Teddi and Lisa Rinna have yet to encounter.

Teddi confides in Lisa Vanderpump

While Erika is making new friends, Teddi is learning important lessons about the ways of a Housewife: have issues, will explode. LVP invites Teddi riding at an incredibly posh horse resort where butlers eerily resembling Ken and Giggy serve tea on the polo grounds where Kyle probably stomped divots to win the hearts of judgmental bitches everywhere. I digress, because in actuality, Ken and Lisa marveled that Teddi once weighed 200 lbs but now lives like carbs carry the plague. I mean, in trophy wife stomping grounds, carbs DO carry the plague of cellulite! Lisa will henceforth spend the entire episode trying to force Teddi to eat ‘bad foods’ like blinis and creme fraiche and muffins.

This lovely afternoon with LVP is quite the opposite from the spa day Teddi attempted to host. It was such a disaster Teddi now has anxiety about throwing future parties for her new fancy friends. Mostly because some unnamed guest complained vociferously about being served wine in the incorrect glass. Teddi isn’t naming names, but Ken is – it certainly wouldn’t be darling Dorit who put up such a fuss over something so trivial! Is Ken psychic? I mean, how did he know?!

Lisa Vanderpump

While LVP is pondering who on earth would perpetrate glass gate, Teddi is deciding if it’s safe to invite the ladies to her beach home in Dana Point. It’s really more of a cottage – a meager, humble, squalid 5 bedroom thing where some people may be forced to rest on TWIN BEDS, but at least these beds will be made up with sheets, not tarps and pool towels! The problem is that Teddi is “casual” (by BH standards) whereas, LVP and Dorit are used to “the finer things in life.” Ergo, they are ladies of luxury, not ladies of class, and Teddi doesn’t want to be made to feel uncomfortable hosting her so-called friends in her own home.

This is so irritating! First of all, Dorit is no Jackie Kennedy. Second of all, why act as if Teddi invited them to the trailer park for spiked Kool-aid served in solo cups. Teddi isn’t exactly Kim Zolciak – even if Teddi’s REAL hair resembles a Kim Z wig (that’s a compliment even if doesn’t sound like it). Dorit with her borrowed accent, borrowed yogirl-glam style, and her borrowed husband Birkin complaining about people doing things to impress others. So, Teddi’s bartender used the wrong glass. Instead of handling it by discretely requesting a different glass, Dorit whines incessantly. Next time Teddi should hand her a can of PBR!

Lisa and DOrit

The next day when Dorit has LVP come along to check out the party venue, LVP ‘casually’ mentions that Teddi was bothered by a certain ungracious guest complaining about the wine glass. Who could that be?! Dorit admits it was her, then explodes about how uptight and obnoxious Teddi is for judging her high standards. LVP tries, without luck, to explain that Teddi is simply more casual. Teddi, bless her heart, has never been to finishing school like these two debutantes! (Please note this was 100% sarcasm).

At least temporarily Dorit has bigger things to worry about than Teddi being bothered by her rudeness (again), because the ultimate birthday gift for PK is not the 007 party, but Dorit and Boy George serenading him with “Fever.” Since this requires Dorit to not only sing but also dance, she enlists Erika for coaching. It was Mikey the blind leading the blind up in that mess!

Teddi is an accountability coach, so if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. And try she does with a long-winded, text invitation to her beach house. Including proposing a potluck supper. I love this girl. Kyle plans to bring lasagna in the cooler she will purchase from Tarzjay – just as soon as her assistant can locate this place. It’s probably in the Valley or somewhere down there in Oklahoma. At least Kyle’s lasagna will torture everyone into wearing a caftan after consuming cheesy carbs.

Lisa Rinna

Lipsa will not be attending since she has something called The Middle to insert herself into, right after giving career advice and fellatio instruction and selling a potluck cooler wrapped in a healing bubble of light on QVC. She lives a busy, complicated, life with wide, wide lanes through which to veer erratically. Things are about to get more crazy because Harry is adopting a puppy. Why was Lipsa acting as if SHE personally would be caring for this puppy? The only reason she’d pay attention to if is if she could hustle puppy training diapers.

“The world’s longest text” also stipulates that if certain people are too fancy to sleep in the pack-n-play Teddi has set up in the garage, they’re welcome to stay at a local hotel. Kyle and Lipsa fantasize about what Dorit would bring to a potluck. Something tells me she considers herself too good for schlepping a Hermes chafing dish to the OC and doling out chickpeas in a ‘cottage.’ No one understands Dorit’s classiness!

PK's birthday party

Finally, it’s PK’s birthday. It takes helicopters, planes, and Dorit’s floating boob raft to get him on the yacht for the surprise party, which had Dorit flying out all his closest friends and family. It was nice.

Dorit & Boy George

Dorit is overjoyed with her own success at throwing the party, and her singing is the biggest surprise of all! Dorit is so nervous, she smuggles Erika into the dressing room for some eleventh hour pep talks, even though LVP warned her against it (which Dorit found unsupportive). But she should’ve taken the advice because while Dorit was giving Fever, all I was getting was second-hand embarrassment watching her prance around.

You’d think this triumph would put Dorit in a great mood, but nope: it’s not a good party until somebody argues over something stupid! Dorit decides it’s the perfect time to confront Teddi about glassgate. Not two seconds after they begin talking, LVP and Kyle start interjecting.

Teddi is in trouble

LVP is squarely on Dorit’s side. She patronizingly demonstrates to Teddi the difference between a wine glass and a champagne flute, as if Teddi doesn’t know. Except Teddi doesn’t CARE. What she did care about was Dorit’s reaction to being served the wrong glass! Dorit maintains that she quietly brought the incorrect glass matter to the bartender and in no way made a big deal. Except she did. She mentioned it numerous times to Teddi, then complained to Lipsa before finally insisting – rather brusquely – that the bartender switch her glass. Yet Dorit insists it was Teddi who made a big stinking deal by telling Lisa (the same thing Dorit argued was her right to do the week before). To her credit, Teddi threw NONE OF THIS in Dorit’s face and tried to keep it civil by explaining that they’re just different people with different ways of doing things.

Dorit doth protest too much! I’d like to know what Rinnavation says about obsessive compulsive wine glass matters, actually.

Teddi and Dorit’s whole conversation was such a one-sided, delusional disaster that even Kyle chimed in to help explain Teddi’s point. These two are becoming friends. They have so much in common like husbands who speak Spanish! I actually love seeing Kyle behave like a human, not a Hoover sucking up any attempt to brag and social climb. I guess Teddi brings out the best in ol’ Kaftans McGee!

Kyle & Teddi

The same cannot be said for Dorit. Teddi seems to bring out the worst in her and Dorit ends up screaming at Kyle for meddling – while LVP is standing right there, doing the exact same thing! Except no one can tell LVP anything or she will sic her squad of crazy ex-SUR waitresses on you, led by the Alopecia Pom Army, who will yip and yap until your head explodes. Then she will indicate that Ken should wipe up the mess while she sips a glass of perfectly chilled rose.

Finally, Dorit just got so belligerent she called Teddi a “psycho” for caring about glasses. Because holy projection much!

Teddi’s entire point was that she DOES NOT CARE about glassware – she cared that Dorit cared so much she’d hurt a friend’s feelings by being rude. It’s just not Dorit’s fault that she understands good manners! Which is why she always behaves so abominably at parties! Maybe it’s a sliding scale. Like parties should cost anywhere from Range Rover to Rolls Royce, manners should span anywhere from Brandi Glanville to Lisa Rinna on a junk boat in Hong Kong.

So where on that sliding scale does lying fall? Or insulting your hostess (and not even showing up with a hostess gift to the party)? Cause Dorit not only called Teddi psycho, but she also accused her of lying about how she behaved. Just like Teddi also made up how late Dorit was. At this point, there are just too many inconsistencies and too much of Dorit getting extremely agitated for her to be innocent. If anything, Teddi has minimized her bad behavior.

Dorit Kemsley

At this point, my recap is making less sense than Dorit’s argument over who actually cared about glassware, so I’ll just wrap things up by mentioning how AFTER Dorit pointed directly at Teddi and said, “You are psycho,” Teddi (who is too gracious) even tried to give her another chance by suggesting they just let it go. But Dorit cannot do that. Instead, she warned Teddi that if she keeps acting like a psychotic, rigid bitch trying to hold mighty Dorit accountable for her Dorit-isms, Dorit will definitely not let this go. Whatever that means! Ooh… I bet Teddi is scared now!

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[Photo Credits: Bravo]