Cynthia Bailey is wandering around red carpets crying with no shoes like she’s at the Jr. Prom, and Porsha Williams is being a peace-maker and starting a vegan cult. What is going on on Real Housewives Of Atlanta?!
Usually the pre-trip Real Housewives episode is a snooze, but last night was the opposite. Maybe it’s because so many episodes of RHOA have been interrupted for important real life events like Holidays and Super Bowls (the butt-implanted Uber driver of Kim Zolciak‘s heart must have watched it pining wistfully; gently touching the TV with his mitts while Kim screamed KROOOOOOOOY in a voice so shrill it could be heard in the next dimension, and then threw a wig over his
dreams flatscreen. Kim needs her solo cup refilled – and she needs it NOW!).
The episode opens at Kandi Burruss‘ Essence Magazine party. Truthfully, I, like everyone else in attendance except for dear doting Todd, forgot Kandi’s magazine cover was even the point of this party. I assumed the party was just a mere front to destroy Cynthia’s happiness. The poor girl – errrrr… middle-aged woman gloating about Fifty Cyn – is reduced to a crying mess after being told that her non-boyfriend Will may also have another girlfriend. I thought Cynthia was all for casual dating, but apparently that’s just what she’s telling us when in reality she was planning another televised wedding officiated by dinosaur corpses and giant silver curtains transformed into a gown (Cynthia is the true Gone With The Wind Fabulous turning budget into couture bride!).
Just when Cynthia thought Eva Marcille had told her the worst news, Porsha whispers that she too has heard Will is using her for exposure while hiding a secret girlfriend. We interrupt Cynthia’s crying mess for Mama Joyce to sidle over, crocodile smile, and hiss that Porsha owes her a meeting. This is literally the closest thing to mafia threats Bravo will ever come – and that includes umpteen years of Real Housewives Of New Jersey. Fearing her own booty implant will be popped, Porsha accepts.
Wigs & Cigs grows angry! How dare everyone tell Cynthia not to follow her heart! After all, what if Kim had listened to reason and abandoned Kroy for being an NFL player, 8 years her junior?! Now where would she be? Um… still with Big Poppa in a condo? Singing for her Domino’s Pizza supper? Well, look at you now, girl! You’ve got it all – including a new face!
I don’t know what Cynthia was following when she followed Will to the limo, holding her shoes and wiping away tears, but he insists she’s not being used
again, because he already has his own Chateau Sheree with a the-a-ter room and doesn’t need a Ferrari. So, apparently word has spread around Atlanta about how Cynthia treats her um, Peters? Maybe Marlo Hampton was correct to worry that anyone gullible enough to consider Kenya Moore a real friend should not be left to her own devices in the dating pool!
With everything exploding around her, Cynthia turns to Peter, of all people, for advice. She’s disappointed that he was at Kandi’s party but ghosted before saying hello. Apparently her ex-husband wasn’t ready to see her on a date with another man. Poor Cynthia is very upset by this revelation – so upset she starts shoving crab rolls into her mouth faster than she can swallow her denial. But Peter gives good advice – advice that has always served him well – do your own thing and don’t worry about what other people are telling you! Unless that someone is NeNe Leakes telling Cynthia to give Peter another chance, of course. It’s obvious these two still have feelings for each other – and that NeNe still has fond feelings for Peachter Peachter Bank Account Eater as well.
Meanwhile, Porsha wore her most demure low-cut and skin tight jumpsuit for lunch with a viper. Mama Joyce is on a mission to figure out just what Porsha believed when she accused Kandi of trying to drug and rape her. Porsha assures her the entire thing was Phaedra’s fault! Porsha never would’ve repeated the accusation save for the urgings of her trusted friend – who also happens to be an attorney who would know about such things like slander. Mama Joyce smiles crookedly , plotting Phaedra’s demise, and instructs Porsha to keep reaching out to Kandi. And expecting to be shut-down!
Do we believe Porsha’s Little Miss Innocent act? Not entirely, but I’m sick of hearing about this crap, so I’ll make like MJ and move my vendetta on.
To conquer all the mayhem Porsha and Cynthia decide two things are in order: a vegan dinner party and a trip to Barcelona. In that order.
I’m gonna press pause on all that excitement to catch up with Kenya. Kenya has taken herself out of the loop to focus on family matters, aka appease Question Marc who isn’t satisfied by having sex twice a day. With all that sex Kenya is 6 weeks late, so she drags her cousin to the gyno for a pregnancy test. Kenya is well-aware that she’s
menopausal 46. Still, a girl can dream – plus Marc really wants a baby! Hmmm… not to be mean, but Marc married a middle-aged woman who lives across the country and he has no plans to relocate to ATL. He also has two older children. I’m thinking Marc did not want a baby. Or Krayonce. This also makes me think Kenya is angling for her own spin-off about moving to NYC and blending with Marc’s family.
Ergo Kenya has decided to skip the Barcelona trip to await the results of her pregnancy test. (Spoiler Alert: she wasn’t prego). Cynthia is empathic about Kenya’s absence. If she can’t convince Kenya to introduce her so-called BFF to Marc, there’s no way she can pry Kenya away from his controlling grasp to get crazy in another country!
That’s why Cynthia has a Plan B Bestie. That would be NeNe! Since Cynthia is doing a lot of emotional eating this episode – all of it seafood – she and NeNe go get dinner. NeNe insists Eva wasn’t trying to be shady by revealing the news about Will, and gently warns Cynthia to just be cautious about him, not closed-hearted, but cautious. I think this is fair advice. And actual advice a true friend would give.
Cynthia informs NeNe that she’s gotten a great deal on Air B&B for Barcelona and combined with her Groupons even Sheree “She By SheBroke” Whitfield can afford the trip! NeNe does not comprehend this language. “Budget – what’s that?!” she scoffs channeling Sheree of yore. In order to avoid Spain’s version of Motel 6, NeNe pretty much volunteers to take over planning. Which works out perfectly since NeNe will also willingly play the ‘Bad Girl’ over the guest list too! Oh the guests … well, first order of business is for NeNe to assign everyone a Spanish name. Like Marlata (because Marlo is “a lot”).
And since they are going to a country with bull fights, they decide to invite everyone – even Porshita. Even Wigsala. But not Kroy-sé. NeNe is already annoyed knowing Kim will try to bring her Uber driver on the trip. Cynthia insists she doesn’t care so long as Eva remains in ATL, but I get NeNe’s point. Like Ramona Singer taught us so many Housewives ago – on a GIRL’s TRIP, the huzzzzzzzzbands, no matter how devoted to refilling wine glasses and hiding in the corner, stay home!
(Fun fact: Peluca is Spanish for “wig”).
Since Porsha is finally in a good-ish place with at least some of the women, she keeps the good will going by hosting a “No Beef” dinner party. That’s a pun because all the food will literally contain ‘no beef’ since it’s vegan. OK, shame me, but I thought this was cute! Although next time Porsha probably needs to consult a party planner about what ‘Bo-Ho chic’ is, cause girl hung white sheets all over her dining room like she was preparing for Cynthia’s next wedding gown, then served shots as hors d’oeuvres. Well, everyone had fun, both Before and After Cynthia.
Cynthia was late. Therefore there was BC – Before Cynthia – where all the ladies got tipsy and trash-talked Will behind her back. Marlo confessed that she also doesn’t trust Cynthia’s judgement when it comes to Kenya. Porsha tried to play innocent like she just wanted Cynthia to have all the information about Will, but didn’t think it was a big deal since they’re newly dating. Like a scene from an After-School special about toxic friendships, the conversation comes to a screeching halt when Cynthia appears at the door. She is well-aware everyone was just talking about her, but doesn’t flinch. Sometimes Cynthia surprises us all!
Instead AC, After Cynthia jumps right in and admits that Peter being there rendered her guard seriously down, and she actually tells Porsha how she didn’t appreciate her timing. Over dinner Kim decides Cynthia is still in love with Peter. However, neither this nor Porsha’s announcement that they were eating on borrowed dishes, diminishes the good will, and Porsha excitedly dubs her party “magical.” I agree – this was a great party with lots of authentic laughs, and NO nonsense or drama. And also missing was NeNe and Kenya. Hmm…
Things did once again come to a screeching halt, though – this time by Marlo burping loudly in Cynthia’s ear, then actually blaming Cynthia! With that burp Kim immediately falls in love with Marlo. Birds of a feather, I suppose… except Marlo would probably get Swarovski-studded solo cups made to match each outfit.
After burping, Marlo stands to clink glasses (she is impressed by the ‘real china’ and actually praises Porsha’s African for not being stingy) and wonders if Kim is brave enough to leave Kroy at home to “for a trip with the African American girls?” Porsha drops her head in her hands, preparing to have a ruined party after all, but Kim is ready with excuses: After surviving a mini-stroke following a four-hour flight from LA, she’s scared to fly long distances without Dr. Kroy, mini-stroke expert, and Barcelona is 10 hours away! Um, if Kroy is with Kim, who will watch the six babies she has at home? Irrelevant question, obviously, (the answer is Ariana) because the only Biermann who truly requires round-the-clock supervision is Kim!
Then Marlo announced she had to leave early to visit ‘her cousin’ in the nursing home – even though it was after 9PM. Girl… I think it was YOUR African who is getting a taste of his fine china!
Shockingly, after the fun dinner with tons of laughs, it doesn’t seem like anyone even cares if Kroy comes to Barcelona. As one of the hostesses Cynthia shrugs that it’s not worth arguing over. Except Cynthia does not hostess alone. The hostess with the mostest opinion is NeNe who is NO bueno with Kroy crashing. Why must Kroy always be lurking? Considering that NeNe also didn’t want Kim coming, anything she could do to make wigs stay home was going to happen. Which means putting the kibosh on Kruch (that’s Kroy mixed with Lurch. Trying something new here people).
In the car to the airport, Kim lets Porsha and Sheree know that she is skipping the trip because NeNe complained about her need to bring Kroy ‘for her health.’ Meanwhile NeNe is furious that Kim tried to slip Kroy into her suitcase – not that he’d fit with his butt implant, and is relieved Kim bailed with a flimsy excuse. Why is Kim even attempting to be on RHOA again? She’s not participating in addition to making these weird Kim-Only Stipulations. Even Kandi declared it ridiculous that Kim believes she plays by her own rules.
TELL US – SHOULD KIM HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO BRING KROY? SHOULD EVERYONE LEAVE CYNTHIA’S RELATIONSHIP ALONE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]