The Real Housewives Of Atlanta reunion was going so well until Kim Zolciak showed up. I mean, people with feuds as old as their suddenly rejuvenated (and impregnated) ovaries were having civil discussions about those times they accused each other of being prostitutes to one-eyed Africans (do neither Porsha Williams nor Kenya Moore STILL not understand that ‘one-eyed’ referred to the African’s “D” – not that he’s an actual cyclops. Now you know Kandi Burruss secretly wrote a “For The D” rap about that…). Then of course with all that peace, love, and Leave Will Alone, Kim Showed up.
Now that girl… Kim looked like she was wearing a Jessica Rabbit Halloween costume. And what on earth is Kroy Biermann doing with his life? He needs a Tabatha take over, because he’s apparently so depressed about being released from the NFL that he’s lost all purpose in life. It’s like the dude followed-up on a Craigslist post seeking personal assistant and wound up working for this crazy person who expects him to just follow around carrying her Solo cups and making sure all her outfits match said Solo cups – outfits he also has to pry her into using tweezers.
Kim’s dress was so tight I was literally afraid she was gonna bust out of it while arguing with NeNe Leakes, but then I realized it was made of 100% spandex, not latex, but it doesn’t matter because both those materials are made for vigorous stretching – although only one is good for repelling the spittle of your life-long enemy! Kim is not smart enough to choose the latex though (and neither is Kroy obviously! #SixBabiesAtHome).
Likewise I’m shocked Kim carried her own shoes onto that reunion stage instead of Kroy trotting after her holding them on a pillow, then squatting down to place them on her feet, because bending over seems like something Kim only did for Big Poppa can’t be bothered with. Too much exertion. Kim only exerts herself for summoning Kroy, after all.
In all seriousness Kroy does appear very good at his Kim-dler job. I just really wish he would take the initiative to stop making appointments with the lip enhancement doctor because last night Kim literally looked like a inflatable sex doll. And did I hear Kroy mention that he brought a cooler of drinks to the reunion?! Like is he TAILGATING at RHOA events now? I guess he does have to wait in the car a lot, watching from the view of the parking lot… But dang Kim does not pay this dude enough to have traded his dignity for unlimited use of his D.
Before Kim burst out on stage erupting everything that is good and holy, Eva Marcille thought she might push out a baby on Andy Cohen‘s Rent-A-Center sofas. She, like every other woman in Atlanta, gets her obstetrics from Dr. Jackie who advises Eva “Woosah” (which only makes me think of water breaking or NeNe exploding). Dr. Jackie promises to be on call, though, because no one wants to swaddle their child in Porsha’s reunion dress.
Eva is one of those gorgeous pregnant women and looked stunning, but she was wasted space at the reunion. I dunno if she has a future on RHOA if she can’t even muster drama out of exposing Cynthia Bailey‘s Tinder date as a womanizing cheater and liar (who ever said Will isn’t Cynthia’s type was WRONG). I mean c’mon Eva! Maybe being pregnant she just didn’t feel up to the task this season, but Eva just wasn’t that exciting. Neither is Cynthia though…
Just to let you down gently: Cynthia and Will have are no longer an item and never consummated their made-for-TV romance, but Cynthia is kind of, sort of, possibly seriously dating another man, whom NeNe and Kenya have met over FaceTime. Cynthia’s irritation at Porsha for blowing up Will’s miscreant behavior lasted longer than her relationship with him did!
Speaking of long-lasting, Porsha and Kandi FINALLY made amends! What happened was Porsha finally understood the difference between saying “I apologize” and acknowledging that she did something wrong. It took, oh I don’t know how many different wigs and set changes and hours of footage to get this notion through to her Go Naked head, but in a lightbulb moment she got it. Hallelujah! Finally Porsha apologized “without buts” and admitted that she regretted her behavior last year. Kandi accepted. And just like that, the feud was Phuneral’d By Phaedra. Now let’s just hope the rest of the ladies can move past Porsha’s mistake. Like she said, it has become the “silver bullet” for any argument they want to start with her. Even when she’s letting Cynthia know that Will is a sleaze ball.
Porsha and Kenya also had a reconstructive moment. That moment was brought to you by Marlo Hampton and her questionable career as Simply Marlo, LLC. Not to be confused with Sheree Whitfield‘s line of joggers Bone Collector LLC which will be out in Spring-Summer-September-Once-Tyrone-Gets-Paroled….
Anyway, according to Marlo’s morals, having a “billionaire” whom you dated (a billionaire not Ted Turner, to be clear) buy you a house, buy your mother a house, and also buy you several cars is not being a prostitute, it’s being a savvy businesswoman. It’s also, essentially, the framework for many a ‘REal Housewife’s ‘career’ as Trophy Wife but, semantics!
Marlo claims she invested all these investments well so voila! Simply Marlo LLC was born! Kenya is curious how Marlo can be calling out Porsha’s past violent behavior when she herself has a record of arrests a mile long, including slicing someone’s face. Good point! Marlo insists that was her past and she’s a changed, evolved woman! It is only Porsha who isn’t ever allowed to change or grow – she must eternally remain a meme of a woman wearing a ball gown as they dragged Kenya across a reunion stage. It’s not a bad moment of posterity, I suppose (I kid!).
Likewise Porsha didn’t seem to recognize the similarities between her shoving a fan in Marlo’s face and Kenya shoving a scepter in her face. For me the difference may have been that Marlo and Porsha were already sitting veryclose to each other and Porsha wasn’t intentionally trying to bait and provoke Marlo with the fan; they were in the course of having a heated argument (instigated by Marlo) and the fan got in the way. But hey, at least no one got dragged in Barcelona over a doormat only a billionaire’s concubine could hate!
According to Porsha she learned two things from her exchanges with Marlo: 1) she doesn’t want to invest in a friendship with Marlo (very wise. See: blackmail, NeNe & John) ; and B) calling people a prostitute without proof is wrong.
Kenya was all over this by pointing out that Porsha once accused her of being the paid escort of a one-eyed African Prince. The argument continued in a break where Porsha and Kenya’s bantered surreptitiously about whether or not Porsha did have proof of Kenya’s relationship. It was Cynthia – who mind you, cannot keep a secret – who gave Kenya a taste of her own medicine when she outed that Kenya did in fact know this mysterious African and had in fact admitted to a relationship with him. Didn’t Marlo also call Porsha a mistress who had her cars bought by a mysterious married African sugar daddy? These women need to expand their insult vocabulary!
Did I mention if Sheree was even present at this reunion? Well she was, but the only person interested in her presence was Kim. Just in case Kroy couldn’t fetch something and Kim needed a back-up assistant. Sheree does need a job run Bone Carrier LLC, after all.
The moment Kim came on stage it was time to address all the elephants in the room. The biggest elephant being Kim’s lips. Actually the biggest elephant was Kim’s attitude. NeNe was right away in go-mode, after bottling all this up all season, and boy did she take off! Kim was up to her same tired nonsense and lies; claiming everyone is jealous of her (NO ONE is jealous of Goober Pie backstage sitting on his cooler, holding a lint roller just in case; nor is anyone jealous of Wigs N Cigs N Solo Cups – OH my!).
Kim now claims she never took a photo of NeNe’s car in the handicapped spot at the mall. Someone else took that photo and sent it to Kim. Was it Brielle? Is Brielle like running around town stalking NeNe like a private eye? Didn’t Kim already admit to taking that photo? Why does Kim pretend we can’t see what the cameras show us!?
Well let’s hope NeNe learns form Porsha’s mistakes and stays in her seat. I wouldn’t want Kroy to have to run out and tackle her, reliving his former NFL glory. Oh the days BK (Before Kim) when the golden moments weren’t the sea of disembodied blonde wigs in his midst. Poor Kroy.
Also Kim wishes she could shut up and be pretty, or make a career on her looks. Team Cynthia.
Real Housewives Of Atlanta Reunion Part 1 Recap: Dried Bones
TELL US – WILL PORSHA AND KANDI FINALLY MAKE AMENDS? TEAM NENE OR TEAM KIM?
[Photo Credits: Moses Robinson/Bravo]
