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Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: I Ain’t Saying Eur(o) Goldigger

The ship pretty much hit the fan on last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean. I think y’all would agree that A YACHT happened. So sorry. The show started where last week’s episode ended. The chief stewardess and the bosun were in hot water with the captain.

Following Hannah Ferrier’s banishment to her cabin, Captain Sandy Yawn shrieks for Conrad Empson so she can lay into him about indirectly overworking Brooke Laughton. Sandy gave Hannah explicit instructions to return to the yacht after one quick Diet Coke. Given they were gone three hours, that must have been a massive Polar Pop of the D.C. (with that amazing pellet ice, obviously).

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: I Ain’t Saying Eur(o) Goldigger

Sandy ticks off Conrad’s horrific mistakes on each finger, and when she runs out of fingers, she switches to bulging forehead veins. Conrad desperately tries to hold his own, arguing that he was just doing his job. Weren’t his orders to keep the guests happy at any cost? Well, it clearly cost Sandy three hours…but merely 79 cents for that Polar Pop. They are truly a deal! It’s a battle royale between Sandy’s forehead veins and Conrad’s hives, and finally Sandy hurls the accusation that triggers Conrad’s a-ha moment. Hannah never relayed to him that Sandy gave her a curfew. He isn’t throwing his girlfriend under the bus to save his skin, he’s just adamant to prove he was doing what he thought was a good job. Sandy softens. If he insists he had no clue about Hannah’s Sandy imposed restrictions, Sandy will believe him. This time. And this time ONLY. Conrad is dismissed after promising to take a deckhand instead of Hannah any stew whatsoever on the next tinder excursion.

Kenny and Amber are still having the best time folks can have without shallots, but Brooke and Kasey Cohen are stewing (literally and figuratively) about how much time they spend covering for their chief. Below deck, Conrad slams into his bunk with Hannah fast on his heels. Is it okay to chat? Absolutely not. He needs to be on his best behavior, but in his head, he’s repeating his failed “don’t screw the crew” mantra. Brooke is grateful for her new bond with Kasey in light of the douchebag triangle they were in together with Joao Franco as the obtuse angle, and Colin Macy-O’Toole keeps rolling out the jokes.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: I Ain’t Saying Eur(o) Goldigger

Hannah is summoned to the bridge. Hannah pouts sullenly as Sandy lectures her about traipsing around the Amalfi Coast with guests after Brooke covered for her with a 21-hour shift. Steaming, Hannah can’t hold her tongue. She doesn’t think she did anything wrong. Besides, who else could have poured tequila shots for Kenny and crew? At the end of the tiff, Sandy doesn’t the Bravo producers refuse to fire Hannah, and instead warns her to keep her distance.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: I Ain’t Saying Eur(o) Goldigger

Adam Glick knows he has to keep the focus on his onion-free food in hopes of distracting them from all the crew drama. Hannah tries to corner Conrad to schedule a time to dissect Sandy’s hazing, but he’s on his way back up to the bridge so Sandy can issue her signature noble-apology-hug-it-out move she’s perfected over the years. Conrad is relieved, but in the galley, Adam is peeved. Hannah was smoking her way through the charter guests’ booze cruise when she should have been organizing a scallion-y scavenger hunt. Hannah plans to redeem herself by delegating the onion hiding to Joao while pretending to do it herself. Kasey is relishing in her new role as Hannah’s kid sister…not because she needs her boss’ acceptance, but because it’s easier than the constant nagging she was used to getting. Plus, she gets all the dirt…and Hannah’s Chanel. Hannah offers her coveted face cream to Kasey with the caveat that she NEVER shares her Chanel…but the offer is made to point out how badly Kasey’s forehead needs exfoliating. Coco would never be so gauche as to endorse a backhanded favor.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: I Ain’t Saying Eur(o) Goldigger

Brooke is extremely creeped out by Hannah’s ability to overcompensate for her slackness. She is kissing ass and taking names, politely asking Brooke to prepare for the champagne toast before Brooke points out that it’s all set. Adam can’t believe how well she’s finally doing her job, and the guests are clueless as they revel in the chief stew’s bottle popping and onion parlor tricks. Kenny sits idly as his cohorts scramble to bag as many onions as possible to score the prize of throwing the chef overboard. The following morning, Hannah documents Adam’s splash as Joao questions Kasey’s silver service. She keeps her cool as she relays the guests’ observations about the coupling with Hannah, Brooke, and an eavesdropping Sandy. The captain turns her attention to Jamie Jason, urging the sickly desk hand to be responsible enough to recognize when she needs to rest so as not to cough up her other lung.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: I Ain’t Saying Eur(o) Goldigger

Conrad rehashes Sandy’s verbal lashing to Adam before the guests depart. Kenny has high compliments for Adam, Joao, Brooke, and Conrad. Sandy calls Hannah in for a less intense dressing down which Hannah responds to with aggressive eye rolls. Sandy’s low expectations hope that Hannah will just do her job and keep her boyfriend drama to a minimum. At the tip meeting, Sandy addresses the messiness of emotions and crew hook-ups before doling out the cash. She sings the praises of Adam’s menu and Brooke’s beach service before rewarding the guys with the biggest tip ever received. Kasey finds it hilarious that the greatest tip came without any help from Hannah, who considers herself to be the most essential crew member on the ship. As the Deckers prepare for a night out on the town, Colin can’t help but look forward to the end of the charter. He’s tired of watching his d-bag cabin-mate make out with the girl of his dreams. Conrad makes the ill-fated mistake of asking Hannah to repay him the money she owes him. Rookie move, Conrad.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: I Ain’t Saying Eur(o) Goldigger

On the way into town, Hannah is bragging about all the expensive cars she’s owned in the past, and Conrad teases he’ll never buy one for her. Oh, she knows. He won’t even lend her the cash to buy her a carton of cigarettes without charging interest. Hannah chastises Conrad for his penny-pinching while Jamie sits awkwardly in the cloud of awkwardness. A chief stew deserves to be spoiled so perhaps she missed the mark by dating a preteen bosun. Hannah spews the same to Brooke upon arrival to the restaurant, and Conrad chases her down when he hears she may head back to the boat. He comes upon Hannah blasting him to Adam and gets an earful before realizing her boyfriend is standing behind her. Conrad tries to speak with her rationally, but she can’t get over the fact he can’t get over fifty euros. She needs a provider. Everyone finally sits down, and Kasey and Brooke have a heart-to-heart. Kasey needs Brooke to know that if Joao was ever inappropriate with her, she’d immediately let Brooke know. She doesn’t want Brooke to be hurt and urges her to be careful with the guy who was openly hitting on both of them a few short days ago. Joao listens with a very smug, Patrick Bateman-ish look on his face which can’t be a good thing.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: I Ain’t Saying Eur(o) Goldigger

After explaining his issues with money and friendships, Conrad can’t wrap his head around Hannah wanting to be with someone rich more than she wants to be with someone who makes her happy. She insists he is wrong. It’s simply that Hannah isn’t willing to adjust her extremely lavish lifestyle to one his poor ass can afford. In what I believe is an effort to diffuse Conrad’s anger, Hannah admits her over-the-top statements were a successful attempt to bait him as punishment for not treating her to endless Marlboro Lights. Conrad seethes at her spitefulness and storms away from the table despite her efforts to stop him. Conrad joins his friends to unwind, and Hannah follows a few minutes behind him. When she finds him dancing, she asks him to return Adam’s shirt she was wearing. He wants to hash out the argument and not go to bed angry, but Hannah retorts that he clearly isn’t angry. In fact, he seems to enjoy having fun without her. Conrad, my friend, you can’t win this one.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: I Ain’t Saying Eur(o) Goldigger

Meanwhile, back in the club, Joao corners Kasey and cusses her out regarding her earlier conversation with Brooke. She handles herself like a pro while he just keeps moving higher on the douchebag totem pole of life. Outside, Hannah refuses to answer Conrad as to if she’d rather be poor and happy and rich and miserable. There is definitely trouble in paradise with this duo…although I’ll be curious to see if this breakup sticks for the remainder of the season!

TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S BELOW DECK MEDITERRANEAN? WAS HANNAH RIGHT TO BE PEEVED ABOUT CONRAD’S REPAYMENT REQUEST? 

[Photo Credit: Bravo]

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