Season 3 of Real Housewives Of Dallas opened with everyone willing to make amends with LeeAnne Locken like all the crazy threats of last season didn’t happen. Unless thy name is Brandi Redmond it’s time to move forward in Dallas.
The episode begins with the most wonderful news! After trying to get pregnant and suffering a miscarriage Brandi and her husband Bryan have found the needle in the haystack: a red-headed, green-eyed baby up for adoption. Actually, Stephanie Hollman found him through her friend’s adoption agency. The details of this are fuzzy, like was this baby just sitting around? But essentially Stephanie texted Brandi asking if she wanted to adopt and Brandi’s reply was “Human?”
Bruin is in fact human. And he manages to also humanize Brandi. The second Brandi met him he grasped her finger and wouldn’t let go, and she knew it was meant to be. It does sound absolutely perfect.
Since the stork literally dropped Bruin in her lap, Brandi meets Stephanie at a baby store for supplies. Are we really supposed to believe Stephanie hasn’t met Brandi’s son yet? Apparently yes. Brandi also hasn’t shared the news with any of the other girls yet, not even Cary Deuber because she’s still meditating in new mom bliss.
Speaking of meditation, LeeAnne has enlisted the services of one David Sunshine to reform her amygdala from rage hole of the brain into monk-like. LeeAnne is now blaming her anger issues on her amygdala perceiving any and all communication as a threat. LeeAnne has read studies which say monks shrunk this portion of the brain through zen. Girl… zen is no tranquilizer dart!
D’Andra Simmons, as always, is along for “support,” aka snake oil sales from both LeeAnne and David Sunshine, who looks like a creepy escapee from a cult. He features both a bald plate (a sunshine spot!) and ponytail. LeeAnne is wooed however and wishes her last name were “sunshine” instead of “
Locked and Loaded Locken” which would guarantee that her amygdala has happy thoughts. Instead, it’s her mother’s fault for traumatizing and abusing her in childhood! “It’s not your amygdala, honey, it’s you,” scoffs D’Andra.
While LeeAnne is seated on her tushie-cushie, imagining Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper scenes, the wonderful editors of Bravo flashback to all the scenes of her amygdala at work. There, in its glory, was LeeAnne whipping off her disco belt like a lasso of truth to before throwing a glass while Stephanie yells “Jesus Help me!” It’s like Dr. LeeAnne Sunshine and Ms. Amyg-all y’all’s asses. After one session LeeAnne is ready to let Stephanie, Brandi and Cary see the sunny side of her street, instead of you know her street side. D’Andra isn’t so sure of this miraculous transformation…
D’Andra and Jeremy are celebrating their 4th anniversary by throwing a big, fancy “black and gold” themed party, because, according to D’Andra, 4-years in Dallas equals a lifetime, and people need to eat to live. While D’Andra and Jeremy are fine, D’Andra and Mama Dee aren’t speaking since Dee reneged on turning the business over to her daughter. As D’Andra vacillates over finding a way to confront her mom she settles for inviting her to the party in the hopes they can rebuild.
Kameron Westcott is still struggling to get people to find the Sparkle. Dog food that is. She’s now looking for someone willing to distribute this mess to stores… but even with the mighty advertising of Bravo and the mighty money of Court she’s not having much luck. Maybe, just maybe, it’s because people don’t want to clean up dog poop that resembles Barbie vomit – complete with glitter! Court is annoyed that Kameron is using her future dog food empire to ignore her precious pink kiddies – why is he paying for nannies when he already pays for a trophy wife?! Sparkledog tote bag is “advertising” claims she has “enough” resale presence to support people also buying this bag?
Kameron, in turn, is annoyed by Court’s attitude; she doesn’t believe you should just marry someone and sit around and spending their money. So this is a complete paradigm shift, then? Maybe Kam’s done some of LeeAnne’s meditating to become an advertising genius creating Sparkle Dog tote bags which is a full-time hobby-thingy!
(A quick perusal of Amazon reveals that alas no such tote exists, but there are Sparkle Dog vitamins and shampoos. Glitter – inside and out!)
LeeAnne Sunshine is eager to hash things out with Cary before D’Andra’s anniversary party. Taking Rich’s advice LeeAnne gives Cary a call to invite her to coffee. Cary either has no idea who it is or is pissed that her assistant unblocked LeeAnne’s number without her knowledge. Shockingly Cary agrees to meet one-on-one in an effort to move forward. Famous last words in the Housewife universe!
Wearing the new mom uniform of crappy sweats and a beanie Brandi (and Bruin) meet Stephanie for nails and a little LeeAnne pep talk. Stephanie will be seeing LeeAnne for the first time since the reunion while attending D’Andra’s party. Brandi declined her invitation after hearing that D’Andra accused her of abusing Aderrall on a podcast. Brandi does use Adderall, thankyouverymuch, BY PRESCRIPTION, and now she wants an apology from D’Andra. Of course, Brandi is also hoping to avoid LeeAnne. She’s is done with any BS that doesn’t stand for Brandi + Stephanie. Stephanie, though, is still holding out hope that LeeAnne has gotten help and will change. Although she is keeping her expectations like broken dildo low.
It’s pouring rain for the ominous meeting of Cary and LeeAnne. Cary prepares by emotionally eating biscuits and gravy. After last year she’s basically dropped out of the Dallas charity scene hoping to avoid scenes with LeeAnne
in hotdog costume. LeeAnne arrives wearing a Cruella DeVille costume and some scary vampire lipstick.
“I pray on my grandmother’s Bible, please see me trying,” preaches LeeAnne. “Please accept it. Please try and move somewhere positive from this.” And the Oscar for most dramatic fauxpology in a pseudo-reality format goes to… I usually think Cary is a melodramatic mess, but she came in, laid her cards out rationally and calmly, and put a hard stop to rehashing. LeeAnne started careening into crazytown with blaming, projecting, and accusing, but just when I thought someone had stolen her sunshine, she course-corrected and apologized. LeeAnne swore it was genuine and Cary agreed to move towards peaceful co-existence with the eventual possibility of lunch. She’s not there yet. “No one’s going to intimidate me into being a doormat,” she declares.
Cary congratulates herself for being honest to LeeAnne about how she feels instead of sugarcoating things like she has in the past. This is music to LeeAnne’s ears – she loves honesty. She does? This is new! #RoundUp Hoping to prove that she’s changed LeeAnne takes up her butter knife (aka, her metaphorical sword) with a flourish, and lays it down on the table Instead of flinching, then calling Stephanie to say she feared for her life when LeeAnene pulled a knife WITH HER HANDS, Cary cheer-es with her coffee mug and lays her own knife down beside LeeAnne’s. Here’s to the hopeful possibility of getting along. And the greater hope that Brandi doesn’t ruin things.
In other positive directions, Cary is working less. She lasted about sixteen seconds as a stay at home mom before realizing it’s better to wipe fluids when you’re getting paid. Now she’s running a laser center connected to Mark’s plastic surgery practice. “I’m running my own business,” says Cary. “I’m a boss bitch.” A boss bitch who takes things one day at a time, and has access to over a million dollars worth of tools that shock and siphon should things (aka LeeAnne) get crazy. Now who has hands with power, LeeAnne?
On the day of D’Andra’s anniversary party, she has a full house of Jeremy’s family, which is fine since she’s not speaking to her own mother. D’Andra’s anniversary has LeeAnne worrying that she may never get to celebrate one because she and Rich STILL don’t have a wedding date, despite being engaged for a year. And Rich, unfortunately, is fine with this. In the limo on the way to the party, LeeAnne suggests eloping which causes Rich to choke on his water. Rich, who has been married THREE TIMES BEFORE, isn’t quite ready to pull the trigger on what he likely knows will be divorce number 4. He’s got one eye always trained on that exit strategy, I see, and LeeAnne swears she’s not pushing him, but… NUDGE, SHOVE, BODY SLAM!
Before guests arrive D’Andra plays chess with the seating chart. With so many people who dislike, or borderline dislike each other, or just can’t plain get along, she must strategize. She places Stephanie and LeeAnne at a table so they can hopefully bond. “I put LeeAnne and Stephanie together because I just think they would get along if they were given the chance without Brandi around,” explains D’Andra, who also wonders why Brandi never responded to her invitation and isn’t returning her calls. She has no idea what’s wrong but apparently she doesn’t read blogs? Also because she wants to keep her enemies close, D’Andra sits next to Mama Dee. Taking one for the team! Team Hard Night Good Morning, that is.
Kameron has no idea why she’s attending a party for a 4th anniversary. “That’s so odd,” she snarkily opines. “Maybe D’Andra’s celebrating in dog years? Happy 48th anniversary!” Can’t Kam just embrace a beautiful party filled with delicious food, fabulous cocktails, and pretty dresses? I’d go out to celebrate 4 months of marriage in exchange for all that fancy wine!
When Mama Dee arrives she and D’Andra smile, nod, and graciously air kiss because true, Texan women know how to cordially ignore airing of dirty laundry for the sake of a good party. During the party, Dee snarks that she can’t believe D’Andra is so happily married. She would know after all Dee has been engaged 14 times. All those diamonds – I’m so jealous! Mama Dee also spends the party schmoozing D’Andra’s friends while D’Andra smiles icily on. So Mama Dee is fake as her facelift? You don’t say…
When Cary spots LeeAnne, wearing her peace and love floral headband, she gives her a big hug. Is that merely being cordial or did these girls go and friend up behind everyone’s backs?! Kameron is relieved. Their fighting was SO exhausting … for her. Now she’s so excited by the progress she has goosebumps.
Stephanie and her VERY orange tan are less elated about this new development. Then she finds out SHE is seated right, next to LeeAnne. YAAAAY she cheers through teeth clenched tighter than the skin on Dee’s face. “I literally had a dream last night that I was sitting next to LeeAnne and now my dream is my nightmare,” laughs Stephanie, who is “a little bit mad” at D’Andra over this trick. LeeAnne decides to make the best of it by announcing that they are “the fun table” meanwhile D’Andra is in adolescent purgatory as Mama Dee lectures her on how to be a good hostess and thank her guests.
While LeeAnne and Stephanie manage to bond through a cocktail haze and find some neutral ground – they both like making asses of themselves and hope to one day make asses of themselves “tougher!” And thus a friendship is born-ish. Isn’t this also the basis for Brandi and Stephanie’s friendship? D’andra congratulates herself on a match well made, but Stephanie still isn’t ready to completely trust LeeAnne, but she wants to at least give her another chance. So the last holdout is Brandi… and everyone agrees no one would be embracing LeeAnne were Brandi at the party. So this is the season of bash Brandi, is it?
D’andra complains about Mama Dee smothering her, all the while D’Andra ‘Mama Dees’ all her friends – like trying to trick Rich into getting surprise hitched at the party because she doesn’t understand what’s dragging his feet. LeeAnne is thrilled at the prospect of a surprise wedding, while Rich turns red, then hot pink, then finally purple and we end on a To Be Continued… cliffhanger.
Next week the surprise isn’t the wedding but Brandi showing up unannounced, Stephanie also shares some baby news and things between D’Andra and Mama Dee explode!
TELL US – IS BRANDI AND STEPHANIE’S FRIENDSHIP DOOMED? WILL LEEANNE’S FRIENDSHIP WITH STEPHANIE AND CARY LAST?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]