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90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

I am about three seconds away from going door to door, spreading the gospel of 90 Day Fiance: Before The 90 Days to unbelievers. Because this show is giving me so much joy, it must be shared. Do you feel me? Am I alone here? Between Tarik’s six-hour religious experience in Hazel’s cult church, Angela’s hardcore quest to find a Nigerian smoke while Michael casually calls her “fat,” and sad little Ricky wandering around Colombia with only a fanny pack to comfort him, this is truly the stuff reality TV dreams are made of.

Before we get into the new couples’ downward spirals, let’s check in with last year’s leftovers, starting with Darcey and Jesse. Spoiler alert: They still pretty much want to murder one another. (Also, last night was jam packed with cringe-worthy greatness, so please excuse the novella of a recap to come…)

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

Darcey and Jesse are still in NYC, and it’s somehow STILL Darcey’s birthday. Since waking up in full makeup, Darcey has gotten dressed and is ready to celebrate her 43rd year by sharing a pizza with her man. But no sooner does the couple sit down for some ‘za, then Darcey starts passive-aggressively asking Jesse about social media. She’d like this 24-year old to lift the ban on her grown-lady Instagram account, but Jesse claims she can do whatever she wants – even if it involves being an immature tween online.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

Darcey pouts, proclaiming that she’s “a strong woman!” who “can’t be controlled!” HAHAHAHAHA. Apologizing to the waitress for the shouting, Jesse seethes at Darcey’s shenanigans, then just up and leaves without even taking a bite. Damn! These two sure love marching out of restaurants.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

The real fake drama ensues back at the hotel where Darcey lays in bed and cries to Jesse, “I just want loooooove! I beg you!” Jesse coos that he loves Darcey more than anything, and he wants their “unique” love to conquer all. Except these two idiots can’t even conquer a pizza, dude.

In the car on the way home to CT later, Darcey continues to annoy Jesse by simply existing. He doesn’t want her sitting near him in the backseat, he doesn’t want her breathing his rarified air, and he sure as hell doesn’t want her interfering with his enjoyment of ‘da bootiful naytchor’ outside.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

Once they arrive at the Air B&B Darcey has rented for their stay (so she doesn’t have to share Jesse with her sister, whom she lives with), Jesse is happy again. He’s got a place to store his coffin sleep, a balcony to sip his tea on, and an American flag outside to salute.

When the couple meets up with Darcey’s sister, Stacey, later for dinner, shi*t goes sideways again. As we know from the blogs, these twins were arrested earlier this year for a physical altercation, so it’s no wonder that we see their extreme jealousy play out before our eyes. Stacey thinks Darcey can’t let small annoyances go, and Jesse agrees.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

Now, I would argue that Jesse is more like an enormous annoyance than a small one, but whatever. These two are the definition of dysfunctional, and Darcey’s twin doesn’t need more than ten minutes alone with them to deduce it. The camera crew will have to suffer through eons more of this mess, though, as they do when Jesse berates Darcey through the entire interview segment following dinner. UGH.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

Tarik & Hazel

After surviving her first night with the pillow barrier un-breached, Hazel wants Tarik to meet her folks. She’s still not sure about this guy, but hey! He is wearing a super rad sparkly Pharaoh tank top, so why not trust him? As Tarik squishes himself into an auto-rickshaw (called “tricycles” in the Philippines, according to the Google machine), Hazel laughs her bootie off.

But reality sets in as Hazel leads Tarik to a very impoverished neighborhood and into a labyrinth of ladders and doorways, finally leading to her parents’ humble abode. Tarik is shocked by the 8×8 room they dwell in (and the Hello Kitty blanket he’s squatting on?), realizing he’s definitely their ticket out of poverty. The next day, everyone is transported to the main event: A SIX HOUR church service, during which Ricky will contemplate escape/salvation/poisoning…not necessarily in that order.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

As the congregations shouts, speaks in tongues, flails around wildly, and just generally freaks Tarik the FRACK out with their particular brand of “worship,” Tarik wonders if this is some sort of hazing ritual? Or a once in a lifetime event? It’s only when six torturous hours of this madness ends that he contemplates what just happened. Um, that was a regular church service, yo! Hazel hopes Tarik found it acceptable.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

The answer is a resounding NOPE. No, he certainly did not, ma’am. But even joining a cult will not prevent Tarik from wedding and bedding his Asian Angelina Jolie! Hazel’s parents sit down with their daughter and Tarik afterward to assess the mental state of this American desperado. Despite Hazel telling her parents that Tarik is not particularly religious, they seem okay with him. As long as he believes in God (which he says he does), and can eventually send them money, they consider this marriage a done deal. And he won’t be getting baptized in the dirty stream down yonder either, thankyouverymuch.

In the meantime, Tarik better get some podcasts on standby and a secret earpiece. Because next Sunday is right around the corner…

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

Paul & Karine

Since Paul is back to trusting his freshly-pregnancy-tested girlfriend, he and Karine head out to get their marriage paperwork filed. They must have at least a brain cell or two up on Nicole and Azan because the paperwork seems to be in order and – BONUS! – they can get married right there in the super depressing back room of the clerk’s office. WTF is that place?!?

Later on, Karine decides to make her next shrewd move: Pressuring Paul for a baby. You know, homegirl has been subjected to so many preggo tests at this point, it only seems fair that she actually get a baby out of this process. I guess? Paul is hesitant, but finally just says, “Uh, okay,” after Siri translates Karine’s airtight logic as to why they’re totally ready for a family. “If we do this together, we can make it work,” she says flatly, also ridiculously claiming that they’ll stop fighting if they have a baby. GROAN.

Even though Paul’s mom is dumbfounded at the idea of Paul getting married to a real live human in Brazil AND contemplating baby-making <dry heave>, Paul is convinced he’s doing the right thing. Of course, Paul is also convinced that talking about starting a family VIA A TRANSLATION APP is also appropriate.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

Karine tells us in her interview that she really wants this baby for insurance purposes, though. As in, if Paul goes back to the U.S. without her, he’s more likely to come back if she’s knocked up. Hmm. Karine may not be the innocent mugging-by-machete-victim we once thought she was, huh? Paul also wonders exactly what he’s getting into as he piles Karine’s 4,000 stuffed animals in the corner of their apartment and contemplates why this chick just sleeps all day and plays with unicorns all night.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

Ricky & Melissa

You guys, what are we gonna do with Ricky? This dude is just too pathetic for words. After meeting Melissa for a total of 12 minutes the night before, Ricky wakes up in Colombia refreshed and excited about spending the day with the love of his life. Un problema: Melissa blows him off with the excuse that she’s got lots of other Johns to meet “school work to do,” so she won’t be able to make it. SHOCKER.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

Destroyed, Ricky calls his friend, Carlos, back home to complain/gloat about his “romantic” dinner and derailed mission. Apparently, he thought Melissa was going in for a kiss the night before as they parted ways, but Ricky – gentlemen that he fancies himself to be – turned his cheek. Video playback doesn’t seem to gel with Ricky’s theory that Melissa was coming on to him, but Ricky doesn’t have this video as proof. He only has his brain, which I think we can all agree isn’t exactly his secret weapon.

After Carlos openly laughs his ass off at him, Ricky does what any resilient buffoon would do under similar circumstances. He suits up in full camouflage, ties a jaunty scarf to his head, and straps on his fanny pack of destiny. He shall explore the city on his own!

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

Looking like a rejected Rambo as he wanders the streets, stopping to buy portraits of himself in tourist traps and eating street food on curbs (OH MY GOD CAN THIS GET ANY MORE DEPRESSING/HILARIOUS?!?), Ricky endlessly texts Melissa selfies throughout the day. “Wishing you were here,” says Ricky as he poses next to a stranger by a fountain. “Having fun! Come meet me!” he begs, sending Melissa a photo of him downing a baguette. Make. It. Stop. Someone needs to put this guy out of his misery! OMG, how is this camera crew holding it together as they trail Ricky around on his pathetic quest?

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

Melissa, of course, never shows – nor even replies to any of Ricky’s desperate messages. Thus, he’s left looking out over the city lights as night falls, contemplating wearing a sign around his neck that reads “What has two thumbs and just got scammed out of $10k? THIS GUY!”

Ricky, my man! Ricky, PLEASE lose that number.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

Rachel & Jon

In the UK, Rachel, Jon, and baby Lucy are settling into family life…in Mother Jon’s spare bedroom. Rachel reports that their first “intimate time” together was magical, and Jon reports that…blank stare. He has no words. Words are hard. In any case, he lived through it and is ready to take Rachel and Lucy to meet his sister, Abigail (Abby).

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

Abby tells us that Jon’s always been a player, and she can’t even keep up with the constant string of women he’s dating. So she’s shocked that her brother would suddenly pledge his undying devotion to a stranger he met on a karaoke app, and become an insta-daddy to her baby. Nevertheless, Abby is cordial when hosting the trio in her home, mildly side-eying Jon as he claims he’s always been the “commitment type” of guy, so this is no different.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

It’s back home that reality starts to set in when Rachel brings up the “daddy” issue explicitly. She tells Jon that Lucy will be talking soon, and she’d like her to call Jon “daddy.” If he could blink in this moment, I guess he would, but his freaked out stare says it all. He doesn’t think it’s appropriate to have this child think of him as her real father, considering her actual father is still out there. It’s confusing, and it’s wrong.

Rachel looks like she’s been gut-punched, obviously expecting Jon to jump at the chance to claim the title of father. He insists that he loves Lucy no matter what, though (and for all of his crazy-eyes-ness, he does seem very sweet with her – bathing her, rocking her, bonding with her since she arrived). Shouldn’t that be enough for now? he wonders.

Rachel doesn’t think so. And apparently baby Lucy is on team #JonDaddy too because the next thing we hear is her babbling something that sounds very much like “Dada” as Rachel smirks and looks at Jon with a knowing grin. Okay, you two. WHAT IS THE REAL STORY HERE?!?

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

Angela & Michael

After a raucous night of fighting Angela off of the mattress like a WWE middleweight, Michael’s ready to introduce his fair maiden to his mother. Prepare thyself! It’s going to be a sh*tshow. Angela is nervous about going to Michael’s small village, a place where no white woman has traveled before without foundation. Michael is scared about his family’s reaction to his new grandmafriend, who he lovingly describes as “manly.”

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

When they arrive, Angela is overwhelmed but warmly greeted by Mother Michael – even if the gift she brought along isn’t acceptable. Hmm. I guess Mother Michael isn’t thrilled with that bedazzled Lord’s Prayer purse after all? Proof that even in a remote village of Nigeria, people have better fashion sense than Angela.  

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

But hey – it’s time for karmic payback for that hideous purse, because Angela is getting snails for lunch! She’s a “cheeseburger and fries kind of gal” but takes a bite of the dish anyway so as not to offend. And guys, what happens next can only be described as UNWATCHABLE by most human standards. Snail in mouth, Angela asks Michael to kiss her, then to TAKE the snail into his own mouth so she doesn’t have to swallow it. Aaaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!!!!

–I must pause here to ask: Are you okay after witnessing that scene? Did everyone survive without spontaneous vomiting/eye bleaching? Roll call! (Remember to comfort one another in our mutual trauma. This travesty can never be unseen…)–

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

After lunch, Michael introduces Angela to his AMAZING friends – who really should be featured in every scene. They are cordial, if not a bit shocked by the real life grandmother before them who Michael plans to wed. If nothing else, they have their friend’s back, explaining to Angela that yes, Michael would get arrested if he had photos of her on his phone. But now that she’s in the country, he can have a few. Thus, Angela demands a photo be uploaded to his phone immediately.

May I humbly suggest the following….

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

Later on, Michael takes Angela shopping at an outdoor bazaar. He wants her to find some beautiful traditional Nigerian garb, but Angela’s attention is derailed by the carton of Marlboros she spots at one stand. “I need a cigarette!” she growls, coughing up the dough to buy them. Michael is horrified, but quickly realizes that messing with Angela at this moment is akin to coming between Gollum and The Ring. Essentially, this broad will cut a b*tch.

Michael hopes Angela will at least try on a few Nigerian dresses before leaving the market, but she admits to him that she’s shy about looking at them in public because she’s “a bit bigger.” Michael’s like, Oh! I’ll translate that for you, no problem! And here’s what comes out of his mouth to the shop attendant: “It looks embarrassing to her because she’s fat.”

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Family Ties

MY. GOD. Nothing can calm Angela down at this point, she is so incensed about Michael’s public slam. She doesn’t see it as a language barrier issue; she sees it as Michael hating her body. And there’s nothing Michael can do to redeem himself, short of immediately sitting down on the curb to smoke that entire carton of cigs with her whilst wearing the Lord’s Prayer purse on his shoulder and chewing on a snail. Frankly, that might not even cut it.

Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on AcastStitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.

TELL US: IS THIS THE BEGINNING OF THE END FOR ANGELA & MICHAEL? WILL RICKY GIVE UP & GO BACK HOME? IS JON READY TO BE A FATHER? WILL TARIK BE SPEAKING IN TONGUES BY NEXT WEEK?

Photo Credit: TLC

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