Peace, love, and ice cold hearts? On last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas Beaver Creek continued to offer up its many splendored dramas and arguments, but this time the only thing that got naked was D’Andra Simmons‘s foot! Kameron Westcott is OK with podiatry nudity – after all one has to get pedicures!
It’s a crisp, sunny morning in Beaver Creek and it’s as if the previous night of arguing over bashing over Brandi Redmond‘s baby Bruin never happened. At all. Freshly fallen snow has wipeth clean the slate and painted it as white as Kameron’s undead skin. Well, kinda. In actuality, everyone blames their lack of sanity on high altitude and high alcohol content.
But at least Kameron didn’t stage an insurrection to forcibly throw Stephanie Hollman from her house, leaving her to trudge to the PJ platform in nothing more than striped PJ’s like a common criminal. Although Kam’s feelings are still hurt. After all, why wasn’t she inner-circle enough to know about Brandi’s baby? Um, probably because, as D’Andra later points out, because Kam doesn’t even like Brandi or Stephanie! Kameron essentially only tolerates Stephanie because Travis is wealthy and influential. Which is probably what Kameron considers the basis of an everlasting friendship anyway…
Poor Cary Deuber gets stuck being the voice of reason in Kam’s hamster wheel of a mind as Kam argues over and over – before even a first cup of coffee! – why she had a right to confront Brandi and wonders when she can confront her again. Kam also still believes Stephanie accused her of “bashing an adopted baby.” What Stephanie really said, of course, was, “We’re not going to bash [Brandi] for adopting a baby.”
Cary literally shoves her hands into her mouth to stop from screaming “SHUT UP KRAZY PANTS” but manages to explain to Kameron, surprisingly calmly, “It’s not your business to know.” She also notes that ‘Bashed Baby’ is the new “Where’s my gift” – the dead horse of an argument Kam couldn’t stop bashing last season… I credit Cary’s medical training for the bedside, or in this case bad friend side, manner. Also, Cary’s new interview look – I sort of like the disco ball of it all! Just me? In truth I am going Cary this season – she is honest, sassy, and hitting on all the right notes like she got on some sort of anti-anxiety med (besides yoga) in between seasons. Or maybe she
took up snowmobiling got a new vibrator?
Kam kinda-sorta pretends to accept this, then texts Court to demand he hire a private investigator to find our just when Brandi adopted, how many people were told prior to the party, and how many times she hid the baby from Kam. Take that reunion evidence!
Meanwhile, upstairs, D’Andra fills LeeAnne Locken in on all she missed while she was ‘sleeping’ to avoid drama. D’Andra says Kam totally over-reacted (duh), but she’s more concerned about fixing her non-baby battles with Brandi. LeeAnne, while attaching 6 feet of fake weave, calmly suggests D’Andra be as “direct as possible” to avoid getting suckered into an argument. Despite making amends with Brandi, LeeAnne still doesn’t trust her!
Did I mention the itinerary for the day is SNOWMOBILING? Only in Dallas does one need fake hair, fake lashes, and 6lbs of foundation just to have it be smashed under a full-faced helmet! This is why I love this show – the women are so campy. In a way, it’s like AbFab meets Real Housewives. Also, they work through their problems rather efficiently, and for the most part, genuinely seem to be friends who respect each other. And none of them – except Kam – take themselves too seriously. Pink is a protected color in the UN Registry of endangered articles, you know!
Far from wanting to continue fighting with Kameron and all the unacknowledged feelings she has stashed in her hot pink Birkin, Brandi and Stephanie are merely relieved they weren’t forced to build a midnight igloo and eat each other to stay alive after Kam threw them out into the Arctic. Brandi resolves to just talk to Kam about her own hurt feelings and explain that she didn’t mean to treat her like the gift she never gave last season.
With so many unresolved issues the ride to snowmobiling is awkward until Brandi opens up a dialogue. At this point Kam is still fixated on bashed babies and mad at Stephanie and it is LEEANNE who is best able to reason with crazy by explaining that Stephanie’s “intent” wasn’t to accuse Kam of something, but to defend Brandi, so Kam should recognize that though Stephanie may have used the wrong word, she didn’t actually mean that Kameron was going around bopping adopted babies on the head like Little Bunny Frou Frou. I hope…
Stephanie is confused, though, because suddenly Kam is accepting Stephanie’s apology – an apology Stephanie never gave because she never did anything wrong! Wisely she decides to just back away from the crazy before the crazy comes for her. Wearing snow gloves to avoid evidence. Plus, Stephanie only has to get through one more night before she’s off to Italy with her family.
Snowmobiling consists of wearing giant, puffy snowsuits that everyone complains make them look fat, but in trade-off, there is the reward of a tingling vagina from riding the snowmobile. Plus, no one has to talk that much on those things, a bonus for any Housewives outing. Also, Brandi joked that she may have revenge peed in her snowmobile suit so Kameron would lose the deposit.
At the top of the mountain, after admiring the gorgeous view, D’Andra pulls Brandi aside to see if they are OK. Brandi’s feelings are twisted like panties under a snowsuit because at this point Brandi’s is living in a bubble of bruised feelings. Then D’Andra reveals that she also has ADHD. She doesn’t take Adderall, but she’s sensitive to people believing Adderall is abused for weight loss and ADD isn’t a real issue.
Brandi takes about 2 seconds to accept D’Andra’s apology. They forge their bond by making snow angels. Maybe it’s like this: every time a shot is taken, an angel gets its wings. Fallen down drunk angels that is, because over lunch they further cement their newfound sisterhood by creating a special concoction known as “spitfire” – tequila mixed with fireball.
According to Kameron, who pre-ordered high fat, high-carb lunches at the snow lodge, everyone is allowed to indulge in bread because high altitude causes you to burn more cal-or-ies. Everyone avoids the bread anyway. Just in case Kam isn’t a scientist!
That night, afraid of missing out on drama again, even LeeAnne gets wasted with the rest of girls. Brandi bizarrely molests D’Andra’s foot in some version of a lap dance for people who have been indoctrinated against how sexuality works (Duggars?), and D’Andra decides she loves Brandi. Her immaturity takes D’Andra back to her college years, partying with her sorority sisters. This is definitely Brandi’s appeal – she and her Jesus Juice never gonna grow up!
And because the Bravo editors NEVER, EVER get the good stuff on camera we missed the 3 a.m. drunken argument between D’Andra and LeeAnne over who is “queen” of the Real Housewives rodeo. Stephanie, passed out, also missed it, but luckily Brandi remembers every last shrieking, hair flipping, chest-bumping moment! Brandi decides the thing to do, to get to the bottom of this pivotal question, is to host a ‘Middle-Aged Woman Who Would Be Queen’ pageant judged by herself and Kameron. Kameron is honored to be involved in a prank, for once, instead of being the recipient.
Why do I feel like the argument over being queen of the group pageant is the crux of a much, much bigger issue brewing inside LeeAnne and D’Andra’s friendship?
Then it’s time for Stephanie to say “Ciao!” and for Kam to take the radical step of tearing up her itinerary. All the women are granted a free day as a reward for apologizing in the bus.
Kam and LeeAnne stay behind to get massages, Cary escapes to the ski slopes – alone – and Brandi and D’Andra hit the town for shopping and shots. Lots and lots and LOTS of shots. Only a Housewife could find a store that sells custom-branded cowboy hats made from BEAVER (“Who’s beaver is it made from though?” Brandi asked the hot proprietor) and provides complimentary tequila. It is not a bad business motto, because how else are you gonna convince people to buy $1,000 belt buckles? LeeAnne sums up what we already know – Brandi and D’Andra’s friendship is brought to us by booze. Who cares though – they are having fun and they’re fun together!
The best part of this entire scene was D’Andra’s concept of budgeting. After spending $5k on useless crap, she decided to pass on a $2,000 necklace because she has to start watching her pennies if she’s going to escape Mama Dee‘s clutches to launch Hard Night Good Morning on her own. Good for you D’Andra – you’re finally entering adulthood. I only wish my own transition from adolescence was so prosperous!
Over dinner, at a BUFFETT – how did this happen?! – where everyone, again, pretends they’re going to eat carbs and cheese, but then takes one bite, Brandi announces that the “Queen Of the
Wild Frontier Real Housewives” pageant will begin. The winner gets a crown made out of toilet paper rolls and fake poop!
It should come as no surprise that LeeAnne is a former pageant girl, even competing in Miss USA with giant permed hair. She aces the interview question about all the magical things she can do with her hands. (Like bring peace between Housewives by offering an acrylic talon to warring factions). D’Andra’s question has to do with the diplomatic skill implored in how to let a friend know that people can smell her fart. D’Andra wins on sass alone by strutting across the restaurant holding a plastic fork – where exactly did Kam take them to eat – and announcing, “I don’t like to make anyone uncomfortable – even if they’re gaseous!” A fart joke will always win Brandi’s heart, so D’Andra scores the point for that round. Kameron looks less certain. She rather liked the image of LeeAnne being forced to ruin her manicure by touching a homeless person. I bet that’s one situation Kam wouldn’t mind being left out of!
Things then take a rather dowdy turn when Brandi announces that the next challenge is to ask each other one question and the recipient must answer. As if it’s planned, or pre-ordained by her Sister Angel, D’Andra confronts LeeAnne about why she and Rich haven’t set a wedding date yet? First LeeAnne insists it’s because Rich’s eye injury has made him depressed, then after D’Andra yells at her about how she HAS TO FIND HAPPINESS WITH A HUSBAND, LeeAnne says it’s because she doesn’t want to become Rich’s 4th ex-wife by pushing him down the aisle too soon, therefore it’s HER decisions to delay until she knows none of her issues could derail their future happiness. Lord that’s heavier than a mac and cheese casserole covered in breadcrumbs. And not delicious at all!
This is not acceptable to D’Andra who screams, “You need to get it together, bitch, right now! Because you’ve been together for nine years!” Um, who exactly died and made D’Andra the Gordon Ramsay of marital issues? LeeAnne just squeezes her face together so tightly her eyelashes pop right off. I assume this was LeeAnne trying to convince herself to cry? Luckily Cary, a nurse, comes to the rescue with an emergency tube of eyelash glue and tweezers. I think SHE deserves Queen title!
Look – I get what D’Andra is attempting to do. She wants LeeAnne to be happily married because knows that is what LEEANNE wants. She is absolutely correct to worry that Rich gave LeeAnne a ring only to further stall. I also think D’Andra is right that LeeAnne does not want to admit this and is, therefore, hiding it. HOWEVER, that is NO WAY to confront a friend when you know she is in a serious emotional matter! Just as LeeAnne rescued Brandi in the van the day before, it is Brandi who comes to LeeAnne’s rescue here by walking around the table to hug her and insist that she doesn’t have to explain herself to anyone. (AHEM… KAMERON). Wisely, because she wants to win this pageant, and verbal assault isn’t a well-rewarded talent, D’Andra backs off. (PUN INTENDED!)
The next day Cary leaves early to meet her family in Jackson Hole, leaving Kameron and Brandi deliberate over the final segment of the pageant – the talent portion. I don’t even have words to describe what D’Andra literally pulled out of her ass. She referred to her talent (and I use this word extremely loosely) as “butt darts” and it involves being able to keep a quarter between your butt cheeks while doing things. Somehow that evolved into shoving a K-CUP (hopefully a sealed one) between her butt-cheeks – while wearing pants, blessedly – and dancing around before bowing dropping the K-Cup on the ground. Keurig has probably already filed a lawsuit against Bravo.
LeeAnne whips a rap out of her own ass. About rap herself. Did she have this on retainer? As a way to dismissively explain her actions without having to explain them? I am still cringing from the second-hand embarrassment, and pray this will not become a future Housewives single or addition to LuAnn de Lesseps cabaret.
While all of this was going Kameron’s lips were pursed tighter than D’Andra‘s ass around a K-Cup. She was speechless and disgusted by D’Andra, and vows to immediately switch to a French press, and therefore has to let Brandi decide the winner. Obviously, for Brandi the queen of poop jokes, D’Andra “clenched” the competition right up! Kameron at least got to present the winner her… was it a twist tie in a jewelry box?
Next week LeeAnne gets jealous of Brandi and D’Andra’s new friendship while Kameron starts to think Brandi is a bad influence over her formerly classy friend!
TELL US – WHO IS THE QUEEN: D’ANDRA OR LEEANNE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]