Last night the Real Housewives Of Dallas left Beaver Creek to return to their roots: the rodeo! D’Andra Simmons celebrated her 49th birthday and some of her friends treated her like a little girl who was gonna eat too much cake and make herself sick!
Cary Deuber is still in Jackson Hole Wyoming, and Stephanie Hollman is in Italy pasta-scarfing all her feelings about Kameron Westcott away. Much better than therapy if you ask me! This means Brandi Redmond‘s left to be the one-woman fun machine. She did not disappoint, although poor old LeeAnne Locken was trying to nip at her heels.
LeeAnne loves a competition over nothing, doesn’t she? Is she in therapy for this or does she not recognize that it’s a problem? Last week she argued with D’Andra over who was queen of nothing, which resulted in sexual assault on a K-Cup; this week she’s competing with Brandi for the title of D’Andra’s BFF. LeeAnne one-upped D’Andra’s K-Cup with an audition for a Def Leopard video – except MTV stop making music videos about 300 years ago, about the time LeeAnne should’ve handled her insecurities.
Before all that LeeAnne took Rich to dinner to unload on him about how she doesn’t believe that he really wants to get married because he won’t set a date. But just in case D’Andra was trying to blame RICH for stalling the wedding, LeeAnne explains that she too isn’t ready. She wants a fairytale romance of growing old with someone and spending, every, single, moment by their side. This sounds like a horror story, but LeeAnne insists that’s what her grandparents had. Unfortunately, she’s attempting to hitch her wagon to a man with THREE EX-WIVES, and doesn’t trust that Rich has the same vision of marriage she does. Until she feels he can give her that, she’s also not ready to set a date.
If there’s anything that would be crazier than marrying LeeAnne Locken it would be divorcing LeeAnne Locken! Did you see that lap dance – it looked a vignette from 50 unconventional ways to kill a person: squeeze them to death with your inner thighs while confusing them with a hair whip. That’s also how LeeAnne says she has sex, so Rich ain’t going anywhere. Instead, he re-proposes to LeeAnne right there in a restaurant and says he’d never leave his best friend.
When LeeAnne takes this news over to D’Andra’s the next day, D’Andra still has her suspicions that Rich isn’t serious. Or maybe D’Andra is just at a crossroads in her own life and projecting? She’s officially wrenched her portion of the company away from Mama Dee, but this means money is tight and instead of a $100k birthday party she’ll have to settle for the rodeo.
LeeAnne believes that in D’Andra’s vulnerable state, being out on her own for the first time ever, she’s susceptible to bad influences like Brandi. LeeAnne knows from her own experiences that Brandi is not to be trusted and warns D’Andra to tread lightly.
I mean, I might not trust Brandi with my life or something – she lets her kids consume a diet of FunDip laced brownies – but I’d trust her ANY time I wanted to have fun. I joke, but Brandi is the calmest mother. Whatever she is doing I need some of that. Must be the Jesus Juice!
Kameron is determined to prove to Court that she’s more than a giant living pink puffball. The adult woman version of one of Lisa Vanderpump‘s Pomeranians. She won’t give up on her dream to find a distributor for SparkleDog. Maybe Mama Dee is taking on surrogate daughters with a product to pimp?
Kameron will be taking her sparkle to the streets at the International Pet Expo but first, she has to figure out how to construct the display. It’s basically a giant version of a collapsible laundry drying rack, but I doubt Kam has ever done laundry. Maybe once, as part of her sorority hazing rituals, but she probably washed all her clothes in white wine which is an excellent stain remover plus a great way to repurpose icky cheap wine FROM. A. BOX! You know Kam is scandalized by boxed wine, aka the only thing in Brandi’s fridge.
Since she needs babysitting Kameron enlists her children to help unfold the display – after all, they probably play with Legos! – but even they know Sparkle Dog (and Kameron) are too ridiculous for words. Kameron’s daughter is a mini Court who suggests, bluntly, that no one wants their dog to poop Barbie colors. Kam is still out to prove that the Westcott women can be more than high society – they can have kah-reers too. And be like important and stuff. Even though it’s hard to juggle a fake job for a company you don’t really run, while being the perfect wife in the house you’ve never cleaned, and a perfect mother to the children raised by the nanny, Kam can do it! Kam can do it! Say that five times fast. Starts to sound as crazy as Sparkle Dog.
The ladies all meet at D’Andra’s for the big trek to the rodeo. Both LeeAnne and Kameron were wearing sensational sunglasses, but Kam’s idea of a rodeo outfit was a giant frilly floral bedspread with pale pink high fashion ‘cowboy boots.’ She looked kind of like a divan that I’m sure resides in Mama Dee‘s sunroom. If there’s one place where Brandi understands the etiquette and dress code, it’s the rodeo so she wore sparkle cowboy boots with denim cut-offs, and decided everyone is gonna let their hair down tonight. Even Kam!
LeeAnne wore her antenna and maybe her sunglasses were equipped with radar to hyper-analyze Brandi’s every interaction with D’Andra. She claims she doesn’t trust Brandi’s motives, but what’s really going on is that she’s afraid Brandi will swoop in and usurp her place as D’Andra’s low-class, fun friend. LeeAnne should take this as a compliment. Maybe. But she has too much abandonment drama she’s carting around in her consignment shop designer bag.
The second they get there Brandi whips out a beer bong. I don’t know how one smuggles a beer bong in hot pants and a tank top – maybe under her cowboy hat? – but Brandi did and dared everyone to take the plunge. Obviously, Kam abstained. She once, maybe twice, bonged champagne in college but that’s her version of slumming it and NEVER. AGAIN. The eyes of Dallas are always watching, and they stay perma-propped open under six layers of false caterpillar eyelashes!
D’Andra no longer cares though, and LeeAnne feels she has to prove she’s fun too. There is nothing fun about nearly vomiting beer on your bestie’s $5k cowboy boots and nothing clears a room faster than the god-awful smelling burps LeeAnne was emitting. Girl, that should be bottled and sold to the Department of Defense as a biological weapon! Brandi doesn’t understand what LeeAnne is trying to prove. But LeeAnne has the same question for Brandi: why is she stealing her BFF, isn’t Stephanie enough? Or is Brandi trying to recruit D’Andra into her evil corrupted anti-high society cult?
The next thing on the agenda is riding a mechanical bull. Or “boooo-wl” as Kameron pronounces it in her valley girl accent, which no one understands. Kameron has never done such a thing, and by the way she rode that bull, it’s a miracle she ever got pregnant. Although Kam seems the type who would opt to have a turkey baster baby because it’s soooo much more hygenic. DOK-TORS wear like gloves and stuff (Kam probably had special pink latex gloves commissioned for the occasion) and sex-u-al intercourse is soooo unsanitary!
LeeAnne and D’Andra are Texas girls who know riding a bull and riding a man are one in the same. “If you can’t break a man’s ribcage with your inner thighs, you shouldn’t have sex,” purrs LeeAnne, a black widow spider in sequins and probably a sleeper agent for the KGB.
After watching Kameron attempt to mount something, then slide off after a six-second romp in slow speed, they all have visions of Court’s inner life and need a revitalizing drink and a snack. Over cheap popcorn, LeeAnne decides to lecture D’Andra on how the Simmons or Westcott name comes with certain expectations on how to behave, and certain judgments attached – a legacy that does not condone hanging out with Brandi. Brandi finds all of this silly. She thinks people should be themselves, make themselves happy and live their truths instead of kowtowing to societal demands. Behaving appropriately isn’t a problem for Kameron who is “naturally conservative” (to put it mildly), but D’Andra is tired of being what everyone expects her to be and not having her own opinion, so that’s why she loves hanging out with Brandi!
LeeAnne and Kameron immediately see red, or in Kameron’s case pink, flags. In their minds, Brandi is the gateway drug to becoming a stripper or a
cheerleader hoochie mama – “same thing” according to Kameron. Exactly what does LeeAnne, the carni-kid, know about high society? The only thing she’s concerned about is losing her grip on D’Andra and the coup of befriending a Simmons with all the accompanying connections. LeeAnne is nothing but a social climber and Kameron only puts up with her for the sake of this show, and probably because LeeAnne would be more than willing to construct a Sparkle Dog display without charging a service fee.
If Brandi is encouraging D’Andra to be herself and make choices to empower her life, then I say Brandi is the good influence, but LeeAnne, who just wants to keep D’Andra in a perfectly wrapped society box to satisfy her own needs, is the bad influence!
The real problem is when Brandi surprises D’Andra with the $2k necklace she wanted in Beaver Creek but didn’t buy because she’s on a budget while asserting independence from Dee. D’Andra cries with happiness. Since material things are always the way to her heart, Kameron suspects Brandi of trying to “buy her way into D’Andra’s friendship.” LeeAnne and Kameron pretend to play arcade basketball to secretly complain about D’Andra while D’Andra cries to Brandi about how she’s happy to have found a friend who accepts her and encourages her to be herself. Of course D’Andra also takes this moment to tell Brandi she was warned by LeeAnne not to trust her!
Do Kameron and LeeAnne not consider Stephanie to be married to an important Dallas society name? The Hollmans seem plenty legit – or maybe they’ve written Stephanie off as already destroyed by Brandi’s bad influence and fear the same fate may befall their precious D’Andra? Maybe Mama Dee put them up to this so she can retain control of Hard Night Good Morning? SCANDALS! INTRIGUE! SUSPENSE!
D’Andra is 49-years-old, not 4! Isn’t that’s why she’s emancipating – finally – from Mama Dee. She does not need LeeAnne, who just got her own amygdala under control – supposedly – to swoop in and start
LeeAnne’s gift to D’Andra was
to prove she can be Brandi by SWF-ing her a lap dance that demonstrates what happens if you betray her. Remember that crushing a man with your inner thighs thing… yeah that skill can be used in many ways. And LeeAnne’s thighs – they can do things. Dangerous things. All on their own…. She doesn’t need a weapon, she has hamstrings. Kameron is unimpressed. Who crawls around on the floor of a bar. Isn’t there a cleaning crew for that?
Brandi scoffs that after LeeAnne’s MTV spring break performance how could anyone presume to think SHE is the bad influence? Fair point. Also Brandi’s facial expressions this episode were worth the price of admission.
While all of this is happening Cary is overseeing the renovation of her house, which features a closet modeled off the Dallas Fendi store and a $75,000 professional stove imported from Italy. I think Stephanie brought it home in her suitcase.
Since she missed all the rodeo fun, Stephanie gets off the plane and hightails it over to Brandi’s in Travis’ new Ferrari. Brandi immediately demonstrates LeeAnne’s version of a lap dance and Stephanie cackles that this “magical” skill is what makes Rich stick around. She is probably not wrong.
However, Brandi isn’t playing around when she shares that LeeAnne tried to warn D’Andra away from her! Brandi is shocked – she meant it when she wanted to make amends and she believed LeeAnne did too. Stephanie is still willing to give LeeAnne another chance, but not Brandi. “This is the only LeeAnne that I know. She’s trying to come between friendships again.”
TELL US – IS BRANDI A BAD INFLUENCE ON D’ANDRA? IS D’ANDRA OLD ENOUGH TO MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]