On last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas, the ladies smashed each other, bashed each other, and then walked on broken glass with each other’s feelings.
I don’t know what kind of therapist LeeAnne Locken is seeing, but apparently, anything to avoid actual therapy. She’s gone from massaging her amygdala and zapping it with zen, to slamming a sledgehammer into a mirror while fake crying about how she will not let anger destroy very real friendships with very fake friends.
The only misconception that got smashed real good though t’was the idea that LeeAnne is truly friends with D’Andra Simmons. Lord – these two are more wrecked than a dressing room after a debutante ball!
LeeAnne went ahead and tested the waters in her relationship with Cary Deuber by trying to use her to come between her and D’Andra. It was a ruse to see where Cary’s loyalties lie – or maybe I’m a conspiracy nut. It worked (kinda) when Cary went straight to D’Andra with the rumor LeeAnne spread that she had only $200 to her name and a shopping addiction to go with it! Luckily D’Andra also has Mama Dee‘s credit card!
LeeAnne pivots on a dime though, and when confronted by D’Andra, quickly came up with the idea that she was just “concerned” about D’Andra’s changing circumstances and wanted to seek guidance from D’Andra’s other good friend Cary. Why not Brandi Redmond!? She and D’Andra are BFF too. Plus Brandi is an expert on bad decision making.
Before we get to all that, let’s start from the beginning, which is actually in Beaver Creek but we don’t really need to rehash all that again. LeeAnne and D’Andra meet for coffee, and they can’t meet in the middle over anything. D’Andra is stressed to the max about wrestling Hard Night Good Morning out of Mama Dee‘s taloned claws. Dee is truly Ursula from The Little Mermaid. In order to buy her freedom D’Andra had to sacrifice something very important; in this case, the thing that means more to her than anything in the world is money, so that’s just what D’Andra gave up in exchange for independence from the momster.
LeeAnne has no sympathy for D’Andra’s silver spoon getting tarnished. She tells D’Andra to quit being lazy, get a plan together, and not to believe that boats put on water automatically float! D’Andra doesn’t want to hear this tough love, but as LeeAnne reminds us – she’s only giving back what D’Andra dished out when yelling at LeeAnne about setting a date with Rich!
D’Andra feels annoyed that instead of listening to her complaints, the patient tried to become the therapist.
LeeAnne may be pissed at D’Andra, and D’Andra’s delivery in Beaver Creek was less than kind, but it worked! LeeAnne had that heart-to-heart with Rich and here they are meeting with a wedding planner, who’s wearing wallpaper from Blanche Deveraux’s living room repurposed as a suit. And low and behold not only do they set a date – well a wedding month – but the wedding planner even has the Stormy Daniels connect for Rich’s bachelor party. And LeeAnne thinks Brandi is a bad influence….
LeeAnne hopes to have 500 – 1000 of her closest friends in attendance. The only way LeeAnne is friends with 500 people is if she starts inviting Bravo viewers to fill in the cheap seats at the county fair where you just know this Carny Crapfrest is taking place. There is no way a wedding planner wearing that get-up is capable of the classiest affair Dallas has known since Kameron Westcott launched Barbie Kibble and coined the concept of neon nutrition.
For the very first time in her whole rose-colored life, Kam is navigating a commercial airplane alone! Oh, ha – did you think I meant she would be piloting the plane? No, what I meant is that Kameron would be flying ALONE and have to handle both baggage claim + getting a rental car without a step-by-step tutorial featuring audio and visual instructions, or Court doing all the work. Maybe she can FaceTime him from the airport? Kam managed to get to the World Pet Expo, forged “AAAAAAMAAAAAZING” connections, then returned home in time to break glass over Brandi’s head and pretend it was just like an oopsie moment after she slipped on a Sparkle kibble.
Before smashing things, Brandi endures a home visit with her adoption team. Brandi’s daughters have apparently been babysat by LeeAnne’s smart mouth and have less than kind things to say about their mother. I am also concerned about the safety of cranium-sized bows they constantly wear. It doesn’t seem like CPS is rescinding the baby though, so, for now, Brandi is safe. Break out the Jesus Juice in celebration!
Stephanie Hollman, who is all love and light and everything nice this season, is helping Travis fund an education initiative to get the Hollman Inc employees in college. It’s all very sweet and nice, and like Stephanie, I cried. Afterward, Stephanie and Travis talk about how it’s going to take him a WHOLE LONG MONTH to get an MBA from Harvard and in the meantime, Stephanie will be home alone with the kids (and nannies). Stephanie is afraid because she has been using Travis as her crutch for so long she doesn’t know how to take charge or be independent. Doesn’t LeeAnne run a self-help seminar at the Learning Annex on how to do that? Call her. And in the meantime, I agree with Travis – don’t cook anything!
D’Andra visits Cary to cry over how her life is falling apart without money. D’Andra even worries her friends will ditch her because she can no longer write a donation check at their charity luncheons. And the first friend moving onto greener (green being the operative word!) pastures is apparently LeeAnne who has already been gossiping about D’Andra’s diminished circumstances.
Since D’Andra is whining about how difficult it will be to finally be independent at 49, Cary just haaaaas to tell her that LeeAnne is spreading a rumor that D’Andra only has $200 dollars in her bank account. $200 in disposable income sounds positively lavish to me. I need some rich people problems!
After learning that LeeAnne has been making her look – *gasp* POOR in front of all of Dallas, D’Andra bursts into tears. She is HUMILIATED! D’Andra adamantly insists she has way more than $200 bucks – try five bank accounts all bursting with oil and gas money and just waiting to be reinvested into wrinkle-busting face cream! Um, the lady doth protest too much?
Cary is sooo empathetic, she cannot imagine the horror – it just heartbreaking to have to budget and choose between running a business and having designer shoes.
By the time LeeAnne’s “Smashing Good Time Party” rolls around, D’Andra is seething mad as well as broke, and ain’t in no mood for playing LeeAnne’s games. But speaking of humiliating Kameron arrived straight from the airport and was so overwhelmed trying to find her limo that she left without her bag and also her pants. It looked like she was wearing a diaper at the smash lab Anger Center, or whatever that warehouse covered with hazardous waste was called.
Even stranger LeeAnne is wearing a mullet and fake mustache … Was she impersonating the construction guy from The Village People?
What kind of business, other than Real Housewives, turns women into She-Hulk? And leave it to LeeAnne to throw a truly unsanitary and dangerous party, which no one will enjoy, then serve champagne from mop buckets filled with ice. And Kam thinks BRANDI is the bad influence. As if!
D’Andra doesn’t even wait to get into the smash lab before unloading onto LeeAnne about how embarrassing it is to have your finances exposed to the Dallas social scene. If D’andra doesn’t think her own mother hasn’t already told everyone who is anyone about her daughter’s betrayal of choosing to be poor thus smiting everything Dee has done for her, I’ve got some ski slopes to sell D’Andra in Texas. Beaver Creek South coming soon!
Kameron finds the whole thing ridiculous -I mean, it’s not that shameful to only have $200 in your Starbucks fund! As D’Andra screams at LeeAnne, who is the portrait of innocence and grace, Stephanie and Brandi watch wide-eyed. These two grew up eating Lunchables in the trailer park and Brandi probably still considers them a delicacy, so what is exactly is the problem? Stephanie also has the grand idea to offer D’Andra continuing education through the Hollman Foundation’s charity – maybe she could take some online business classes?!
Cary finds herself in the crossroads of this mess. She’s not happy to have potentially pissed off LeeAnne again, but she’s also not happy about having LeeAnne confide in her, feigning concern for D’Andra. What’s a girl to do but get more botox to cover her feelings!
What’s happening here has so many levels. D’Andra is grasping onto LeeAnne’s statement because it preys upon a very real fear she has – that she’ll fail and wind up broke. Probably not with those trusts from dad and stepdad, but what could ultimately be compromised is D’Andra’s vision of herself as a successful woman, and it would confirm to everyone in Dallas that D’andra is nothing more than a spoiled rich girl with fancy dreams while living off mommy and daddy. Furthermore, LeeAnne has always depended on D’Andra to be one of her entries into society but now that D’Andra may have jeopardized that by going rogue, look how fast LeeAnne is turning tail and running for literal greener pastures. Except if she’s planning to hang out with Kam whose pastures are pink with sparkle dog poop.
We all know LeeAnne only told Cary about D’Andra’s supposed financial woes, because she wants to look like a good friend, to “demonstrate’ her narrative of being changed. If Cary has any sense she’ll see that LeeAnne’s conscience has more holes than one of Brandi’s mesh tank tops. The bottom line is this – D’Andra was drunk-set and confided in LeeAnne, who took advantage of that by repeating it to Cary, but D’Andra also had it coming after the way she’s butting into LeeAnne’s relationship and suggesting Rich doesn’t want to get married. Ladies – draw some lines in the sand with Brandi’s dildo and try not to cross them, or your friendship will become less valuable than D’Andra’s credit card.
After everyone hugs D’Andra and promises to stay her friend rich or poor, they go in a big room and smash things. LeeAnne, wielding a baseball bat, pills Cary aside to insist that she didn’t mean anything nasty by discussing D’Andra’s finances, and she’s not pleased that Cary repeated it, but Cary is not backing down from what she said. I like this Cary! In turn, Cary warns LeeAnne that if she doesn’t want things repeated, don’t tell them to her. Their friendship – not. that. deep. Also, once someone shows themselves by bashing you with a disco belt, believe that cray the first time!
First, everyone breaks things for a therapeutic outlet, then throws plates with mission statements into the wall. Stephanie wishes she didn’t have to be perfect all the damn time. Brandi wishes she could let people help her. And Kameron, delusional as ever, yearns for living a simpler life of Sparkling Dogs and nannies who hide from the cameras.
With grievances aired and alliances shattered and nothing left to break of value, Brandi decides to ask LeeAnne why she cautioned D’Andra against a friendship with her. Brandi also doesn’t understand why Kameron thinks she’s a bad influence on D’Andra, who is 49 years old and also helicopter mothered by Mama Dee. One word; hyphenated: K-Cup Kameron was just not about that K-Cup going places there weren’t Keurig holes!
While LeeAnne and Kameron were bickering with Brandi about how they just have concerns for D’Andra’s safety and health, and how maybe the social worker should evaluate Brandi for friendship fitness, D’Andra stays silent. She never once insists that she’s the one who wanted to put a K-Cup where the sun don’t shine.
Realizing that no matter what she does, Kameron will always see her as the poor relation, Brandi gives up and stomps out. Cary finds herself, again, in the middle – this time trying to explain to Kameron and LeeAnne why Brandi feels rejected and unfairly blamed, but then Brandi comes over to explain, yet again, that she does have morals even if they’re hidden under 6 layers of fake tanner and false eyelashes, and a penchant for dildos dipped Jesus Juice, but it’s the thought of morals that count right! Kameron will just have to accept that her morals come from Neiman Marcus, and Brandi’s come from Walmart! At least Cameron will never run into Brandi on the PJ platform. There’s safety in numbers in one’s bank account!
Kameron has to realize that the way she feels about Brandi is exactly the way Court (and probably Court’s mother) feel about her, right?
TELL US – DID LEEANNE HUMILIATE D’ANDRA AND VIOLATE HER TRUST?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]