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Love After Lockup Recap: Your Card Has Been Declined

Again, we must congratulate the stalwart production team of Love After Lockup for going where no man has gone before – specifically, the inside of Clint’s head. Last night gave us more intimate/gaggy moments with ex-inmates, deranged explanations and excuses from two-timing players (looking at you, Michael!), troubling family reunions, and a three-way in the making. Hoorah! 

We have a rather large garbage barge of floating debris to wade through from the last Love After Lockup episode. So, let’s get to it, starting with Scott and Lizzie. On their first official “date,” Lizzie reveals her classy side by double fisting drinks and slurping oysters. She even reminded Scott that he ain’t never gonna get any because she’s a woman of God now.

Scott & Lizzie

Reveling in his recent tragic makeover, Scott is feeling like a million bucks. Except he’s only got like five bucks in his bank account after spending every last cent on Lizzie’s heroin habit and convenience store supermarket sweeps. Also, can we pause to reflect on the error of shaving off Scott’s mustache? No one in this situation needs more attention brought to their teeth, especially when they only have four.

Love After Lockup Recap: Your Card Has Been Declined

Lizzie brings up her daughter’s concerns about Scott supporting her drug habit in prison. Meanwhile, Scott tells cameras he did because he hated to see Lizzie “sick.” Taking absolutely NO personal responsibility in her own addiction and manipulation, Lizzie also fully blames Scott for enabling her. “I could have died in there!’ she whines. Yeah, and Scott could have stopped sending you money, ma’am, at which point you would have hit up the other fourteen suckers you were conning to drop dollars in your commissary. #YouWerentBuyingRamen

Lizzie is all about the money and the manipulation, which poor, dumb Scott still can’t seem to figure out. For real – this dude seems to think his $90K will buy him an eventual lay? Like, in 10-20 years? After all of his teeth have fallen out?!? It’s sad.

When Scott’s card comes back declined at the end of the meal, sh*t gets real. Lizzie immediately starts thinking about her Plan B. Meanwhile, Scott just stares at the huge dinner bill, imagining how much money he would have saved hiring actual prostitutes these past ten years.  

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Caitlin & Matt

Love After Lockup Recap: Your Card Has Been Declined

Since we last checked in with them, Caitlin and Matt have apparently sworn off showers. They drive to meet Caitlin’s mom at a local diner (in a car which we can only assume smells like feet and broken dreams). Caitlin tells us she has a very strained relationship with her due to years of her mom’s drug use and abandonment. But now that she has Matt in her life, Caitlin says she finally has someone to be there for her 24/7. As a reminder: Matt has been “there for her” exactly three 24/7’s in a row. He’s on an award-winning three-day streak.

Love After Lockup Recap: Your Card Has Been Declined

At the diner, Caitlin’s rage builds as she waits and waits for her mom, who is very late – something Caitlin says she’s come to expect and resent over the years. When mom finally shows, Caitlin is so pissed, she just marches right by her, tosses her phone (Where? Who saves it?!) and runs out of the restaurant, sobbing.

Love After Lockup Recap: Your Card Has Been Declined

Matt finds Caitlin in an alley, hugging her and promising to always have her back – or at least, until he breaks parole. Caitlin eventually calms down on the curb. Then, she reluctantly hugs her mom when she exits the restaurant, agreeing to talk. Mom knows she’s done a lot of damage to her daughter, and promises to be there for her no matter how bad their relationship is now. Hmm. We’ll see how much she’s there for Caitlin when Matt goes back to his old ways, which is happening in approximately four and a half seconds from now.

Megan & Michael & Sarah

Love After Lockup Recap: Your Card Has Been Declined

At home, Megan snacks on apples and wonders where-oh-where her fiance could be? Meanwhile, Michael is bedding down his actual wife in a hotel room. “We’re not taking any precautions,” chirps Sarah while the camera crew films a literal SOFTCORE PORN of Michael sexing her on the hotel bed. OMG! Please, baby Jesus, tell me this camera crew are heading into these scenes looking like the evil government guys in ET – full hazmat gear, air tents, plastic sheeting surrounding infected areas, IV fluids at the ready. Damn! #EverydayHeroesLove After Lockup Recap: Your Card Has Been Declined

After they do the deed (and we dip our heads in bleach), Sarah drives Michael home to see their daughter, Avianna. She doesn’t remember anything about her dad. Avianna only three years old, scared, and totally unprepared for the cringeworthy scene of her mom trying to force her to “bond” with this stranger.

“Hey, pretty girl!” Michael greets her, hoping for a hug. Avianna is obviously not ready for a family reunion, considering that she doesn’t even know who Michael is. Nonetheless, everyone tries to push the issue. Finally, Sarah comes to her mom-senses and shuts it down, knowing her daughter isn’t ready for this.

At the park later, Michael lets Avianna paint his nails in an attempt to bond with her again. Then he uses Sarah’s phone to call his OTHER fiance, Megan, to feed her more lies while his daughter sits nearby hearing every word. Father of the year, ladies and gents! Take notes.  

RELATED: Love After Lockup Recap: Washing Off PrisonLove After Lockup Recap: Your Card Has Been DeclinedWe’re also treated to an explanation of how Michael’s brain works. Here it is: He claims that he’s only pretending to be in a relationship with Sarah “for now” so she doesn’t take his daughter away from him. However, Megan is actually the woman who “fills his voids.” <gag> Also, Michael fancies himself some sort of double agent “spy”…who’s on a mission to ruin multiple women’s lives on national TV? Lord help us. Somebody assign this fool a superhero name, quick.

Brittany & Marcelino

Love After Lockup Recap: Your Card Has Been Declined

Brittany is still alive, which is the good news, even though Marcelino still looks like he wants to skin her and wear her like last year’s Versace. They’re staying in a hotel for now because Marcelino can’t have a felon living with him in his rental. So, they need to find a new apartment together.

As Brittany lounges by the pool, she pretends to look at the newspaper – her version of the internet – then calls her old prison girlfriend, Amanda, as soon as Marcelino creeps off to buy duct tape, rope, and an ice pick. Brittany isn’t supposed to have contact with ex-felons, but she can’t stay away from Amanda. She loved her once and seems to still be infatuated with her, which Amanda appears to be too.Love After Lockup Recap: Your Card Has Been Declined

And, hey – in case we didn’t think this show was educational, we’re taught a fancy new prison skill that Brittany and Amanda used to make sweet love in their bottom bunk! Here’ ‘tis: You hang all of your clothes along the top bunk to create a curtain, then appoint a lookout outside to give you a heads up if a guard approaches. Voila! True Romance, prison style. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Amanda is shocked to learn about Brittany shacking up with Marcelino, but that doesn’t stop her from cuddling and flirting with Brittany in the pool. And that certainly won’t stop Brittany from asking Marcelino if Amanda can join them in bed later. She’s all about this woman and seems to think Marcelino won’t mind transitioning from couple to thrupple.

Yo, these two are like the jankiest version of The Notebook ever, but I’m kind of living for it. It wasn’t over! It’s STILL not over! <cue music…and a potential poolside murder?>

Tracie & Clint

Love After Lockup Recap: Your Card Has Been Declined

After having “the best sex of his life” with Tracie, Clint is more ready than ever to marry the ex-con of his dreams. As Tracie models her new $300 purple lingerie, Clint licks his beige teeth and congratulates himself on scoring such a hottie. He wants to marry her ASAP in Texas before driving home to NM, but first, Tracie has to go score some drugs wedding dress shopping.

Tracie convinces Clint to give her his MOTHER’S credit card, which Tracie will promptly be maxing out. Initially giving her a budget of $500 for the dress, Clint then agrees she can buy whatever she wants for her special day. Including meth? “Anything for you, my queen!” Clint croons, still not understanding how actual big boy dollars work.

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Later on, Clint stands outside of the most depressing wedding venue we’ve ever witnessed on television. Seriously, guys – what the actual f**k are we looking at here? A bowling alley? Strip club? Skating rink? Anyhoo, it’s where Mr. & Mrs. Clint will become one big effing Clinty mess. Thus, it’s fitting.

But Clint’s very slow-firing brain eventually grows anxious as he realizes that Tracie – armed with his credit card, diamond ring, and rental vehicle – may not actually show up. When Momma Clint texts him to ask if the wedding’s over yet, he’s like, “Uhhhhh, she’s not here.” No one is surprised. We’ll have to wait until next week to see how long it takes for Clint to realize he’s been conned.

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Prediction: Clint is legit still standing outside of that metal building at this very moment in the remaining shreds of his purple suit – eyes turned upward, mumbling to frightened children about Tracie being the most beautifullest woman in the world. (Can someone go down to that roller rink at do a wellness check? I’ll wait.) 

Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on AcastStitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.

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TELL US-WILL CLINT EVER FIGURE OUT…ANYTHING? WILL LIZZIE LEAVE SCOTT WHEN SHE FINDS OUT THE TRUTH ABOUT HIS FINANCES? WHEN WILL MEGAN AND SARAH COME FACE TO FACE? HOW LONG BEFORE WE SEE MARCELINO ON DATELINE? ARE YOU ROOTING FOR ANY OF THESE LOVE AFTER LOCKUP COUPLES?

[Photo Credit: WEtv ]

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