Ahhhh… the Shannon Beador show is back on Real Housewives Of Orange County. We all knew this nice, thoughtful, peace-loving Shannon couldn’t last. Somebody moved a leaky faucet to her sanity corner!
Still, you gotta feel bad for Shannon. She tried to plan a relaxing trip to the exclusive Miraval so the women could find peace and serenity (now!), but she’s friends with people like Kelly Dodd and Vicki Gunvalson. So it all went to pot – or should I say, dong. But first, sexxy.
Emily Simpson is headed to Vegas for her dance debut and Braunwyn Windham-Burke is joining her on the PJ.
Emily has been letting Annabel practice in her sexy vixen boots, which must make Annabel the Wicked Witch of The West in training. Watch out Shane — someday Annabel be the one making decisions for your elder care and she may drop a house on your head!
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Upon arrival, Emily and Braunwyn are escorted to a 15,000 square-foot suite that is tackier than a Trump collaboration with Lisa Frank and comes with butlers Valentino and Mitch. Also meeting them to celebrate Emily’s 10-year anniversary are Pary and Larry, Emily’s in-laws. Not present, of course, is Emily’s husband! When Emily calls said husband, Shane ends the call early blaming a “bad connection.” Yeah, ain’t that the truth. Sometimes the metaphor hurts.
Bringing up the rear – train joke intended – of this motley anniversary trip is Kelly. She joins them once she finishes hawking Positivity Beverage at a wellness expo. No, that’s not one of Shane’s sarcastic jokes. Kelly has actually invested $250,000 from her divorce sum into the company because she truly believes drinking this water will give you glitter rainbows in your eyeballs. It’s like BLK Water — except brighter. And it comes with a sparkly purple disco suit so your insides match your outside. Kelly’s outfit definitely says business… wrangling escorts on the Vegas strip business.
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And Kelly needs to earn some money because she’s presently racking up $30k PER MONTH Amex bills. She knows her settlement won’t last forever.
Tamra Judge stops by to see Kelly in action. She is shocked to learn she was not invited to Vegas. After all, she invited Emily to her housewarming party and assumed they were friends… Sometimes Emily does have a brain when it comes to relationships – like when she saw through Tamra’s phony attempts to forge a friendship because she knows Emily is going through a bad time!
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Meanwhile, Gina Kirschenheiter wore a leopard print short-short romper to meet her attorney. Nope, she’s not leaving this meeting to hop on a plane to Vegas. That was just her ‘respectable mother who made a bad decision’ attire. Michael Fell, Gina’s savior attorney is connected to Shannon’s network of Feng Shui’d relationships (there’s a legal pad in Gina’s positivity corner) and uses a literal diagram and flow chart, like a children’s book for the court system, to explain to Gina that yes, she has to appear at the arraignment, and yes, she will also be losing her license for a year. Gina cries because it will be much harder to take her kids to the beach in an Uber. Time to get a bus pass, girl!
To get into character, Emily imagines carnitas, not sexxytimes with Shane. Hey, I think carnitas are hotter than Shane too. So, I don’t blame a girl. But, it’s like she can’t even remember the last time they had sex. Also, I kept expecting Braunwyn to leap out from the audience, in true Dance Mom fashion to assert her opinion, get involved, and rant something about solos.
But, instead, she was back at the hotel, frolicking in her bikini, drinking tequila and writing WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS on the little chalkboard she carries around to record her inspirational thoughts for Instagram. Is Braunwyn LeeAnne Rimes now? Maybe she has too many Michael’s coupons than she knows what to do with? Basically, without the constant chaos of other people, Braunwyn is bored. Also in a constant effort to make up for Mother Deb‘s ignoring her as a child, Braunwyn needs attention and validation.
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Kelly finally arrives. While waiting for Emily to get ready, she and Braunwyn talk about the upcoming Arizona trip. Kelly has no desire to move Vicki from the “foe” category (aka, swine) to the friend category (aka bacon). Braunwyn is fully supportive of Kelly’s attitude, because Vicki is completely irrelevant. Also replaced. Ahhh.. sometimes the truth, like the metaphorical happenstance, hurts!
Then it’s off to the burlesque where Emily is panicking backstage as she’s laced into a thong corset bodysuit. May I remind you that Emily’s geriatric in-laws are in the audience! Kelly is inspired by these septuagenarians, just chilling at an acrobatic titty show… It’s no skin off their wrinkled backs as they probably did these moves way back in their 50’s. See, sex isn’t dead when you hit social security age!
Actually, the show was pretty amazing. Like topless cirque du soleil almost. And although Emily isn’t going to make it to the top of dance pyramid for her dry-humping breast stroke moves (off-count), she got up there. She did it. And, if Shane would have been there it would have been a fun anniversary tease….
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And then SURPRISE… the next day Shane arrives with flowers! “I’m gonna look out my hotel room and there are actual pigs flying…” Emily laughs.
Ha, no that’s actually Vicki!
A romantic gesture from Shane really is the most shocking thing I’ve seen on this show since Brooks faked cancer. Except Shane can’t even stop the sarcasm when Emily is trying to explain why she’s felt so disconnected from their marriage. ON the anniversary trip Shane actually had to crash after disinviting himself he blames Emily for being “extreme, with triple x” control freak. Is that like sexxxy with 3 exes?
Eventually, Emily is able to explain that the kids could
turn into Shane have bad relationships if their parents don’t set a better example. And this is the ah-hah moment Shane needs to realize that he better shape up. Because Emily needs a man, not a dork(!), and for now, her eyes are set on him. They seal their next ten years with a peck on the cheek. A huge step in the right direction for Shane.
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Now, Shannon’s dog is obese. She’s feeding Archie all her emotions; throwing handfuls of tortilla chips at him every night as she cries into her water-sauteed zucchini drizzled with salsa and a tiny schmear. You know we’re going to get two seasons of Shannon crying over Archie’s weight and blaming David for feeding him ham when she wasn’t looking after she deactivated the nanny cam because WiFi exposure causes fat-inducing cancers and emotional instability.
Tamra and Gina meet at a laser spa with Tamra’s mom, Sandy. Gina is wearing the ugliest leggings I’ve ever seen with moon boots. She says she’s there to shoot up “Orange County crack,” street name “Bo-Bo.”
No, it’s not a new epidemic affecting the entitled youth, it’s a euphemism for Botox. And it is definitely abused! Luckily, Sandy promises to be DD and even bail Gina out of jail the next time she over-indulges. It’s probably too soon for Gina to be making junkie jokes, given her recent predicament. But, I don’t set the taste level around here! And Michael Fell, Esq. can’t be present for every moment!
While Sandy is getting shot up, Gina bitches to Tamra that Emily is more focused on burlesque and her self (um, her marital issues) than holding Gina’s [manicured] hand through her mistakes. Instead, it is Shannon playing the world’s tiniest violin to the tune of “Save Me.”
Gina is upset because while she was lying in bed, depressed and unable to move, because the kids were with Matt, Emily called from Vegas to beg Gina to “Uber” out to watch her perform. Tamra learning that Shane wasn’t there while Emily’s in-laws were was all the fodder she needed for eternal leverage. All in the family boners, I suppose! Also, WWJD, hm, Tamra…
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Finally, it’s time to Miraval! Things get off to a gosh-dong bad start! The weather is far from California sunshine, and none of the ladies seemed prepared for drizzling in the dessert. Gina is barely speaking to Emily over the Vegas slight, although she’s hoping a yurt full of yoga fairies will act like probiotics to her life, making it all regular and well-functioning again.
Kelly is surly about having to come in contact with Vicki and pretend to find “zen” or make nice. The only person who seems excited to be here, in this place where Oprah comes to seek positivity and put together her greatest things list, is Shannon. Zen is kinda her thing. Especially overpriced pseudo zen that looks good in an Anthropologie catalog.
The are only two villas, and since Vicki is only staying 24-hours, Shannon decides to put her new BFF Gina in with her and Tamra; leaving Braunwyn, Kelly, and Emily in the other villa. Good thing Kelly and Braunwyn wore their matching satin leisure suits!
Right away, Kelly starts poking fun of everything. Especially the giant gong the Miraval staff opens each day with. Kelly cannot stop making “dong” jokes and laughing at how to hit it with the dong. Sometimes it likes to be hit high, sometimes low… In fact, Kelly thinks that Shannon would find a lot more zen if she just got donged every once in a while. Because that’s working so well for Kelly?
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Then the ladies head into a yurt for a sound bath where they have to rip up flowers to symbolize what needs to be let go of in their lives. Shannon is still letting go of the divorce (THE AFFAIR – said in a high enough decibel it deserves its own sound exorcism). Gina wants to let go of all her legal problems. Tamra wants to let go of Ryan Vieth, and then asks Jesus to take the wheel of her exercise bike. (In truth Tamra doesn’t own up to needing to let go of anything because Tamra is just an awful soulless human being).
Emily wants to let go of her friendship with Gina and maybe Gina can start dating Shane. Braunwyn wants to let go of being dependent on others to do adulting for her – which is scary considering she’s supposed to be role-modeling adulting for SEVEN tiny humans as if there is no climate crisis. And Kelly just wants Positive Beverage to flourish in its most natural environment: Walmart. Can’t blame a girl for wanting to heal her bank account!
The ceremony concludes with Shannon standing in a large bowl, with another small bowl on her head while some self-described doctor bangs on the floor bowl with a mallet. And hitting it from behind is Kelly Dodd, with the stealth smack, to the bowl on Shannon’s head! Shannon initially thought it was part of the chakra expanding experience, knocking the David right out of her hair. Afterward, Tamra told her Kelly did it.
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Suddenly, Shannon’s head is KILLING HER. It’s the worst headache of her life! She’s having an ocular migraine with visions of Archie as a slim, fit blonde at a Def Leopard concert, copulating with the man of her dreams. There is an ENORMOUS bump on her head her size of a crystal! And it’s not a Selenite!
Knowing that Shannon is the worst kind of hypochondriac – a fatalist who couldn’t find positivity and inner peace if it literally whacked her on the head, Tamra goes ahead and suggests that the bump could be a sign that Shannon’s spinal cord fluid is leaking. Which incidentally happened to Ryan’s father. And Shannon does not want to turn into a specimen from that family!
Once the women are escorted to the privacy of their villas, Shannon freaks out, because now her left eye is “blurry” and she had to take her contact out. I think that’s a side-effect of dry desert air… Or possibly bo-bo’d tear ducts? All of a sudden Tamra is escorting Shannon to urgent care, leaving Gina home alone. Just like always. It’s the solo She-Sita, once again!
Over in the other villa, Kelly tells Braunwyn and Emily that she just knows Shannon is going to blow the donging way, way out of proportion and believe she got a concussion. At that moment, Gina calls to inform them that Shannon is headed to the hospital. Instead of feeling bad, Kelly shrieks “I told you so!!” Which is why you just can’t help but love Kelly Dodd. Not cause she whacked Shannon – that was totally wrong, of course – but because she’s just so full of life.
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In the car on the way to the hospital, Shannon uses her one good eye to call Vicki and cry about how Kelly broke her spirit and her chakras so now her spinal cord is turning to Jell-O. Which is so terrible, because sugar and animal by-products and preservatives…. Oh, my! And #NotZenYet is what Vicki is walking into with her calm and collected demeanor. Let’s hope she has a low-fat, zero zen points casserole with her for Shannon.
This would so not happen on Oprah’s girls trip!
TELL US – DID KELLY GO TOO FAR IN WHACKING SHANNON ON THE BOWL, OR IS SHANNON OVER-REACTING? IS EMILY BEING A BAD FRIEND TO GINA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]