First though I cannot even stop laughing at the ridiculousness of Dorit Kemsley with her Buca di Beppo dining room remodel and Dorit behaving as if she was asked to re-do Buckingham Palace.
It’s the best karma ever delivered to see Dorit and PeeeeKaaaay coming across like the grifting fools they are; all wide-eye and shining, believing Dorit is going to leverage a strip-mall dining room remodel into a career as the new Nick Alain. Of course they mentioned that Lisa Vanderpump would be threatened by them infringing on her territory by entering the restaurant business. Robert Earl, the owner of this erstwhile chain of phony Italian restaurants with their inflated prices and pretend ‘old country’ memorabilia, snarks that he’s sure the Vanderpump-Todds will wish them well.
Even if Dorit managed to plop a spaghetti truck right in front of TomTom, I don’t think Lisa would care. I’m not saying this as any kind of Lisa apologist, but the contrast between ONE Buca dining room and a WeHo restaurant empire is just hilarious.
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Whenever there is a scene of Dorit and PK together, with her simpering after him and acting as if she married David Beckham, cooing over everything he says I am reminded of how phony Dorit is. I can never decide if like her or not. PK is so slimy and Dorit is so pathetic if she thinks anyone believes they’re actually businesspeople. Even the Buca guy was openly laughing, as he informed Dorit that she could have 3 JoAnn Fabrics 50% off one full-priced item coupons, and a Goodwill gift card to redecorate. Dorit thinks this will quickly scale to her redesigning every Buca dining room, you know — all 3 of them left in the world – and catapult her into a new career. Dream big, Grifty McBorrowed Pants!
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Garcelle Beauvais goes out for drinks with her girlfriends, which includes former Hollywood Exes star Sheree Fletcher. Funny story about Sheree: way back in the infancy of my writing about reality television, I interviewed her and she made all these comments about Will Smith. Except I recorded the audio wrong and it was all lost, so I had to re-do the interview and this time her publicist was on the phone. Anyway, now Sheree has nothing but love for her co-parenting relationship with the A-list ex, and it turns out Garcelle once dated Will before he was famous and married to Sheree. It’s the circle of wannabe fame.
Harry Hamlin has returned from wherever it is he’s hiding to film one obligatory scene with Lipsa where they talk about how their daughters have real careers. Lisa bragged that Amelia dropped out of Parsons to do what everyone else there is studying and hoping to do – have their own fashion line. That is so pathetic and out of touch, Lori Loughlin! Amelia’s parents BOUGHT their kids a fashion line – they didn’t design a damn thing! Thank god Mommy paying for a leggings label cures anxiety, and anorexia. Lisa also announces that they all went to therapy because it’s nothing to be ashamed of… unless you’re Kyle!
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This season Erika Girardi is going overboard to prove to us that she’s a real human. All this time we thought she was an alien looking to suck dry the glittery veins of queens everywhere, culturally appropriating drag culture, but nope she actually really does love Tom Girardi and dotes on him like the child she left to chase fame. Hmmm… that’s probably mean. Sorry wannabe Wild Thing.
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Erika did manage to have a fun party though! She invited her astrologer, Shawn, to read all the women’s charts, but first they all had to sit through visiting hour at the nursing home. No pain, no gain!
Before the party Erika calls Kyle so they can talk shit about Denise Richards. Kyle has no idea why Denise is so angry at her and warns that Denise acts a lot more unbothered that she actually is. I think Denise is just a ‘time and place’ kind of a girl. When she’s with her friends, away from kids, talking about handjobs is totally fine, but she does realize her kids have access to the internet right? Unless Denise blocks WiFi believing Big Pharma is monitoring them?
I also think Denise has gotten into the habit of overcompensating as a pious angel in response to Charlie Sheen‘s tiger blood. Charlie was sober when they met, not some wild party animal, and Denise wants a very clear line between the Fucking Denise Richards she plays in the movies, and the Denise Richards at home fussing over Sammi’s homecoming dress being too revealing. That’s OK, but I don’t think she should be legislating morality to the other women. Do I think Denise should be telling hypocritical Kyle to shut up? Yes. That’s just common sense.
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Lipsa and Garcelle both show up to Erika’s astrology night wearing hot pink coat dresses, then it turns out Lipsa is wearing the exact same one as Erika! Twinning! Also Kyle announces that she also almost bought that dress!
You know Erika made a voodoo doll of whatever ‘gay’ styled her and is sticking pins in his head, willing a receding hairline. You also know she burned that dress and put a curse on Lipsa to gain six pounds. Anyway at her home, Mrs. Girardi has rules and expects decorum, because Tom is present. I thought they were at Erika Jayne’s house?? Everyone sits around and listens to Tom tell stories about the time he went to high school with John Wayne’s brother and then someone definitely went to the bathroom to secretly google who John Wayne is.
Didn’t you just love Denise arriving in jeans – like fuck you, Kyle! You think I’m a fake bitch obsessed with glam, here I am at a dinner party, late and in comfy clothes while you’re dressed to the nines in a too-short skirt.
Shawn was lovely, and actually very good. He revealed that Denise’s chart is the most complicated, and that she will stew on a grudge for a long time! Denise smirked, coyly, giving us a side eye that probably still gives Charlie Sheen nightmares as Kyle stared, open-mouthed imaging that Denise will put a hex on her. Maybe Denise already did and that’s why Mauricio is suddenly making his own sandwiches, rendering Kyle useless and irrelevant!
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Actually, Kyle was probably jealous that her chart basically said she’s boring, but will never admit she’s wrong. He also said Kyle likes to pick a close friend and stick to her like glue. You know someone like Teddi.
In Mrs. Girardi mode, Erika lectures Sutton Stracke for fighting at the dinner table, which is the first thing that rankles Kyle’s kaftan. She is the righteous adjustor of wrongs done. Like Wonder Woman. Sutton is irritated with Dorit for trying to make her look like Lipsa in Amsterdam (seriously, guys, can we ever talk about ‘The Husband?!?!?!’) after the DNA launch. Dorit argues that she and Sutton aren’t friends, so she owes her no discretion or loyalty. And even if they were friends, look how Dorit does her friends. Right, Kyle!
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I love how Kyle has decided Sutton is the wealthiest woman in the group, and so they must be friends. I hope Sutton is secretly friends with LVP and knows how Kyle operates, thus turning on her by the end of the season or next year, but for now Sutton is cozying up quite nicely. Kyle probably thinks they’re bonding over being in the high fashion business.
Sutton admits that she has felt consistently unwelcome by the group who hasn’t even bothered to get to know her. Lipsa was all set to pounce when Garcelle chimed in that she felt the exact same way. Look at these two seizing control of the narrative! Garcelle pinpoints Kyle as the main offender of being fake by pretending to find Garcelle fabulous, but “glossing over” her and not bothering to go in deeper. Dorit turns the whole thing around to be Teddi’s fault. See if Kyle weren’t so busy focusing on Teddi she’d have time for others.
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OK – is Dorit just trying to make Kyle angry? The astrologer said that once Dorit fixates on a certain point, she never lets go and cannot be swayed by reason or reality. For instance Dorit has decided she’s rich, therefore no amount of threatening calls from creditors can convince her otherwise. Her mantra is “Modern Farmhouse” in the fantasy town of Beverly Beach.
I seriously cannot figure out if Dorit is actually jealous of Kyle and Teddi’s closeness, or if she just wants to destroy their friendship for fun, or if she wants to upset Kyle by accusing her of being a closet lesbian. How come the most interesting thing about Teddi is talking about Teddi? In what is pure silliness Dorit and Lipsa accuse Teddi and Kyle of going for couples therapy together.
Kyle is outraged – in actuality they went to meditative breathing to treat Kyle’s anxiety. Is Kyle really so incapable of taking a joke that she believes these women are accusing her of cheating on Mauricio, with Teddi… Maybe Kyle is the father of Teddi’s baby?! MAURY — PAGING MARUY! In an effort to distance herself Kyle insists she and Teddi are just normal friends. The entire time everyone is yelling at Kyle, Teddi says – NOTHING. As if her lips were buttoned shut. She’s button world Teddi (Coraline reference): a doll to be flopped around and used when convenient as a plaything between Dorit and Kyle’s war for dominance. In a tale of two delusional hypocrites, who is the most hypocritical?
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Garcelle doesn’t understand why Kyle won’t admit that they are good friends, because – duh – it’s OK. The trouble is that Kyle doesn’t want to be perceived as having control over only one person. She wants to be queen bee, manipulating the hive. Kyle doesn’t care about Teddi, neither does Dorit.
Kyle is so self-focused that she doesn’t even realize that Lipsa, Denise, and Garcelle leave. On the ride home Garcelle and Denise complain that Kyle makes everything about herself, and always finds away to bring the attention back to her. Denise is still irritated that Kyle never lets anyone get their point across before she interrupts to throw a fit. “Are we being catty?” Garcelle laughs. “Absolutely. That’s what true girlfriends do.” I love her!
Meanwhile back at Erika’s, Kyle and Dorit continue arguing over Teddi. Erika gets involved to defend Dorit. Erika calls out Teddi and Kyle for being a “package deal” and apparently seeking treatment for anxiety together is proof of this. Did the therapist -TEDDI’S THERAPIST – go inside Kyle’s brain to manipulate her to put Teddi before all others? I think that’s what Dorit and Erika believe happens in therapy. Which is why they’ve clearly never gone to confront their own issues!
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Kyle is appalled at being called a “package deal” — it’s triggering her childhood non-rise to fame in which she was always the sidecar to Kim’s vespa. A two-for-one, where Kyle was the freebie.
I do agree with Kyle that it’s not weird to have a close friendship with another woman, and I don’t understand why the other women are so bothered by this. I think it’s a power in numbers game. As Erika points out, she’s been on the receiving end of Team Kyeddi. So what now Erika and Dorit are Team Dorika?
Kyle can’t believe that Erika, someone she considers a good friend, would be siding with Dorit – someone she knows isn’t actually close to Erika. When she points this out, Dorit claims Kyle is always trying to police everyone’s thoughts then yells at them for not reacting the way she deems appropriate. True.
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Kyle bursts into tears. Of course she does, and Erika realizes that this is Kyle’s go-to reaction lately. It’s because being an actress is so much work, and she has to be so in touch with her emotions. Did you know Kyle is filming a movie! Defending her relationship with Teddi, Kyle suggests that maybe Erika just doesn’t understand what it’s like to have good friends. DING DING. I can’t believe I’m agreeing with Kyle here, but she’s right. I don’t think Kyle and Teddi are weirdly close, unless there’s something we’re not seeing. Sure, Kyle has some hypocrisies – like not calling Teddi out on going glam, while calling Denise fake.
This is definitely a trigger for Erika who is suddenly a girls-girl. She rips into Kyle. “You’re so out of line, I’m not even going to be insulted by something so wild like that. And I actually do have good friends.” Well, where are they? Cause Mikey, whom she pays, doesn’t count.
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So this is Kyle’s season of sobbing. Which is really going to put a lot of strain on that new facelift! Is she overwhelmed? menopausal? Having problems in her marriage? WHAT?! Also seriously why did Teddi lose her ability to speak? My thoughts are that Teddi was going to be fired, cause she’s dull AF, and Kyle intervened, lobbying on her behalf so this is what the women mean but can’t break the 4th wall to say. A typical Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fight about nothing! Still – I am loving this season so far!
TELL US – IS KYLE’S RELATIONSHIP WITH TEDDI “STRANGE”? IS DENISE BEING A HYPOCRITE? WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS SEASON OF REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS SO FAR?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]