Once upon a time, in a land far, far away a foolish princess sat in her WeHo walkup, and pledged her love to Jax Taylor, a pile of mashed potatoes that sometimes took on human-esque features and pretended to have a heart, but mostly just oozed brown puss. This princess of purgatory is Brittany Cartwright and on last night’s Vanderpump Rules she had an engagement party
This party seemed like it was supposed to be a wedding, until producers decided to drag out the drama by turning it into an engagement party last minute. Like they expected a huge blowout where Brittany’s dad confronted her about what an insipid ass Jax is. Or Jax and the Toms got in a fight with Brittany’s brothers. Instead, the biggest drama was Scheana Marie crying in a corner because Adam Spott rejected her adopt-a-penguin apology gift.
Also Ariana Madix nervously confronted Lisa Vanderpump‘s about treating the Toms like grownups because then, like, maybe they might, like, act, like, one. Or Tom 1 will at least.
Tonight should come as a great relief because… this is THE SEASON FINALE of Vanderpump Rules. And this was a long season where literally nothing exciting happened! Sure we got Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright‘s engaaaaaaaaygement and the opening of Tom Tom, but it was mostly tales of almost middle-aged people being in denial about how embarrassingly in denial they are while trying to ostracize James Kennedy for fear he’d usurp their jobs.
Anyway, tonight we finally celebrate Jax and Brittany’s decision to yoke, which means that next comes a spinoff wedding special, or the wedding which won’t happen until NEXT SEASON so we’ll be forced to endure to more of this nonsense next year. Please no!
Last night was the premiere of Porsha Williams‘ special Porsha’s Having A Baby! I dunno – I kinda loved it. It was everything we adore about Porsha: zany, outlandish, clueless, and fun. The show opened with a fairy tale about hot dogs, so you know it was going to be ridiculous good, and it also made me really appreciate Dennis McKinley. (Am I wrong? Should I be admitting this?)
Porsha and Dennis are in hog heaven. Literally since the only thing Porsha is consuming is honey baked ham, but reality and real life are getting in the way. Reality like where to live, having a baby in about 5 minutes, and mama drama, so even though it’s not all hot dogs and hot photo shoots, it starts out that way!
Last night’s Real Housewives Of New York had it all: turtle time, flying trapezes, sexually harassing birds, meltdowns at premiere galas, breakups, brawls in the spa, makeups at the spa, ghosts of Sonja Morgan‘s past, and wrap dresses. You know, just an ordinary episode! (Seriously how is this one of the lower rated Housewives franchises?!)
Sonja is just strolling down the street with her coffee and her trendy patterned tights when a limousine window rolls down and a voice calls out from the dark, “Hey hooker…” Sonja doesn’t even flinch, she just keeps doing her Mary Tyler Moore strut with a distracted smile until the voice gets more persistent. But it’s just Bethenny Frankel! Sonja laughs because she assumed it was one if the regular people who call her a hooker during her morning coffee run! Where is Sonja getting her coffee from?
Last night the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills celebrated Culture Club, and the CULT in cult-ture that is Lisa Vanderpump. They’re all desperately trying to leave, but they can’t escape the pink porcelain urns. Or rely on PK Kemsley to stick to the plan!
The first thing we have to discuss, though, which I really do not want to discuss, is Kyle Richards and Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave allowing Portia and Slade to be models for a ‘kids makeup line’ called “Petite & Pretty.” Which sounds like how a cougar would describe themselves on Tinder, and is being marketed to trailer parks in Alabama where people dream of turning their daughters into Honey Boo Boo.
On tonight’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills the countdown to Lisa V Leaves Day continues, but for now she is still here although isolating herself from the majority of the women.
Lisa does deign to grace Denise Richards with her presence, but is disappointed when Denise chooses to use their time together to mediate between Lisa and the group. Denise believes her acrimonious divorce from Charlie Sheen has taught her a a lot about compromise, but Kyle Richards and Dorit Kemsley have their doubts and don’t believe there’s a chance in hell that Denise can make LVP see their perspective!
Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was the prequel to the season finale, which means the bulk of the episode was spent finally FINALLY giving Scheana Marie some attention and something to do besides machine gun laughing at her own jokes. Of course Scheana wasted all this prime real estate on
Marina del Rey whining about Adam Spott and going on a fake date to make him jealous which obviously backfired like a rusty pickup in a PCH traffic jam!
The other half of the episode was dedicated to Brittany Cartwright‘s family visiting from Kentucky for wedding dress shopping and giving Jax Taylor the third degree. If Jax gets out of this marriage alive he’s leaving with a rat tail, less than half of his savings, and a ripped plaid shirt wrapped around a cold beer can that he’s holding to his temple. Don’t fuck with no redneck daddies! (I’m from West Virginia so I know full well how this goes!)
Tonight Vanderpump Rules inches ever farther away from the ridiculous show about drunken bartenders that we fell in love with as we celebrate Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright‘s engagement.
Luckily Jax is still just as big of an a-hole as ever! With Brittany’s enormous Kentucky family in town to celebrate
mashed potatoes their engagement party, Jax constantly feels on the defense and accidentally insults Brittany’s father and brothers. Even though Jax is convinced he’s changed, he’s still deep in the throes of Number One Guy Complex and his delusions all come crashing through the surface when he’s confronted by Brittany’s father and brothers, who still don’t trust him after he cheated last year.