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Man overboard!

On last night’s Below Deck, we met the replacements. Aka, the new third stew Laura Betancourt, and new deckhand Tyler Rowland. Laura and Kate Chastain are like oil and water from the very second of interaction. So that should go about as well as still having Caroline Bedol on board.

Finally, we saw the moment when Ashton Pienaar went overboard. But, in true Bravo fashion, after so much hype, it was tacked onto the very itty bitty end of the episode. We won’t really get to see it until next week. However, it looks like it’s partially Rhylee Gerber‘s fault! As you may know Rhylee does not follow the rules! Instead, she actually makes the rules, then changes the rules, and sometimes then breaks those rules too, but everyone will all bend to her will because her red hair is a magical whip of crazy what the f–k. Truly.

JAx Taylor buys an engagement ring

This season of Vanderpump Rules is opening on some strange notes, like the freestyle rappings of James Kennedy, and the scent of death and sadness mixed with the sticky spills of rose, goat cheese, and Jax Taylor‘s attempts to impersonate how he thinks a decent man should behave (tampon shopping!)

Immediately it becomes apparent that this will be another season of everyone villainzing James while pretending Jax is a new man as they plan his wedding to Brittany Cartwright. Forgiving Jax and hating James are literally the only subjects this show has anymore. And James, like the little whack-a-mole he is, will come back for hit after hit, cause he’s the White Kanye Baby and hits is what they do!

Far less frivolous are Lisa Vanderpump and Lala Kent dealing with painful losses in their lives. Lala’s father passed away from a stroke 2 months earlier, and she has inherited his mantra to be kind. Even to sketchy people. (Lest their names be James.) Lisa is mourning the loss of her brother, her only sibling, who committed suicide 5 weeks before filming started. Wow – that’s so devastating. 

Reality TV Listings - Vanderpump Rules Reunion

Bravo is giving out Christmas and Hanukkah gifts early this year because TONIGHT is the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules Season 7. Bring on the pasta – which is what it’s all about, right? Anyway, before we dive into a new season of super dramas, let’s revisit all the chaos from last season.

Without a doubt the three (or maybe four or possibly even 5) biggest dramas from last season were: Jax Taylor cheating on Brittany Cartwright, James Kennedy and Lala Kent ending their friendship accord over pasta (and Though Who Shall Not Be Called Anything Less Than Perfect, Randall Emmett), and Tom 1 & Tom 2 finally growing up to become bar owners with the opening of Tom Tom. Of course in between all that there were accusations that James cheated on Raquel Leviss with both his BFF Logan Noh and possibly Kristen Doute. Then there was Stassi Schroeder finally revealing PATRICK to the world… We wish she’d kept that shit covered. And of course, Scheana Marie had her Super ROB, ROB, ROB, ROB… This is the song that never ends.

SO let’s dive in.

Did Shamari DeVoe reveal too much about her marriage?

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta, Porsha Williams relationship continued to be THE word on the street. Kandi Burrus found herself in hot water for running her mouth. Also, NeNe Leakes got some bad news about Gregg’s health.

It’s Dennis McKinley‘s turn to be in the hot seat and meet Porsha’s mom. They get together at his hookah lounge CRU, which makes perfect sense since Diane doesn’t like the smell of hookah.”Between hookah, hair, and hot dogs, there’s not one other word that begins with ‘H’ that could describe my Dennis,”  Porsha brags. Dennis, who doesn’t have hair, but does have the delightful distinction of looking hot dog-esque (sans the ‘hot’ part). Aren’t hookah lounges passe – just like visible panty lines, which Porsha, unfortunately, has in those way too tight jeggings.

Shannon Beador

Last night was part 2 of the Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion. Shannon Beador found herself behaving like a real-live normal woman for a change.

Part one of the reunion ended with Kelly Dodd screaming into the phone and crying. Part 2 opened with Vicki Gunvalson apologizing for repeating a rumor she heard about Kelly  using cocaine. While that is all nice and good, we know that Vicki’s apology is as sincere as the one Kelly gave for calling Vicki a “pig” and a “fat ass.” Shannon, however, ermerges as the unlikely voice of reason when she points out that the negativity and tit for tat is really hitting too low and isn’t making either woman feel (or look) good. And no amount of plastic surgery erases a bad attitude!

Real Housewives Of Dallas finale

It’s Travis Hollman‘s frat party so everyone can fight and cry and scream if they want to on Real Housewives Of Dallas. LeeAnne Locken and Brandi Redmond certainly did.

I just don’t even know where to begin. Who provoked whom, who started what, who did such and such illegal thing… Brandi and LeeAnne are a two-headed snake biting its own tail after getting confused by all the excess weave hair in their faces. They should just go to couples therapy and be done with it. I can’t pick a winner or a loser here. Well, I can pick a winner, but it’s Stephanie Hollman. Stephanie ‘PH–king’ Hollman.

However, so many good things did happen for the ladies of Dallas last night! Stephanie bought a foam machine. LeeAnne picked a date and wedding location. D’Andra Simmons got a company. Woot! 

Chandler Brooks is fired on Below Deck

And like dominoes, they fall on Below Deck! Last night the crew lost not one, but two members! It may be for the best, but good lord was everything a hot mess of crazy! My head is spinning.

Following disaster, after disaster, and dropping a guest, then pissing off Kate Chastain over ice cream, it’s Chandler Brooks time to go. Despite being fired Chandler actually waved his pink slip high in the air as he pranced off the boat hoping never to see the red hair of Rhylee Gerber again. Chandler is a free bird – ready to fly right into Jamie Jason‘s arms. He swears he’ll never leave the high seas behind, so maybe we’ll see him on Below Deck Med!

About the only person sad to see Chandler go is Caroline Bedol, who like kinda like-liked him, but kinda just like-liked having someone to funnel her dysfunction onto. BUT now that Chandler is gone Caroline has inherited his entire freezer drawer full of ice cream pints! It turns out ice cream consumption is the nail in one’s coffin on My Seanna, though! You have been warned that frozen dairy kills careers if mixed with Kate.

Vicki Gunvalson & Shannon Beador RHOC Reunion Part 1

Left to her own devices without editing or intervention Vicki Gunvalson will always shoot herself in the foot, then still try to put on heels and hobble away. Last night’s segment of the Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion was the perfect example of Vicki at her most Vicki-ness. Reunion part 1 was also way better than anything we’d seen all season.

The most important part of any reunion is to dissect the outfits. First of all, Shannon Beador looks great! I don’t know if it’s the glowy spray tan indicating a break from Dr. Moon‘s holistic practices of wiping Shannon’s entire body in tan resistant mineral powders to ward of surface level UV free radicals, or the 30lb weight loss, or finally shedding her toxic friendship with Tamra Judge, but Shannon looks better than we’ve seen her in years. THIS is the divorced Shannon we were craving all season!