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Real Housewives Of Orange County RHOC Emily Kelly Dodd

If you crammed any more drama, hijinks, meltdowns, and hysterias (and medical issues!) into this episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County I think it would explode a la Kelly Dodd after 2 cocktails and exposure to a snarky meme. Things would just come flying out, every which way, and the only thing that would be left standing amid the rubble would be Tamra Judge and the two giant inflatable jugs she has strapped to her chest as a bullet-proof vest/getaway life raft.

I literally can’t even begin to dissect all the switching animosities and loyalties, but all I have to say is Tamra is masterful at manipulating these women in a tizzy of stupidity. And Kyle Richards thinks Lisa Vanderpump plays chess…  

Below Deck Courtney Skippon Simone Mashile Tanner Sterback

So much déclassé about last night’s Below Deck. Also so many jelly fish. Everywhere. Simone Mashile won some and lost some. She seems like such a nice girl, but unprepared to swim in the real world, and the sharks were circling!

Despite the explosive fight Rhylee Gerber had with Ashton Pienaar and Kevin Dobson over appetizers, the crew still decides to hit the bar. I’m guessing since they were arguing OVER APPETIZERS no one even got to the main course. Maybe the reason they all got so insanely drunk was the result of low stomach contents?

Although Rhylee behaved badly, Kate Chastain still sides with her. Why? It’s because Kevin is a giant obnoxious gob of obnoxious gobbiness. To whit, he is screaming nonsense at the bar and so hammered he can barely function.

Porsha Williams Real Housewives Of Atlanta RHOA

Last night the Real Housewives Of Atlanta were read, right and blue when Cynthia Bailey threw her annual “BaileyQue” (for the second consecutive year in a row). Of course, one person was glaringly absent from the guest list, and that would be Nene Leakes!

Since NeNe can’t find anyone else to film with her she has to make amends with her lackey, Marlo Hampton. NeNe has Marlo and her nephews over for lunch (to spill high tea?), and also drags blast from the unfortunate past, Yovanna along. You’ll remember Yovanna as “that bitch” who got super drunk at some weird boob-themed couples dinner and accused Eva Marcille of pretending not to remember her from college.

Kelly Dodd Braunwyn Windham-Burke Tamra Judge Miami Real Housewives Of Orange County

You guys I’m sorry – I am having Thanksgiving fever and 15 houseguests, and I just cannot get it together with the Real Housewives Of Orange County nonsense today.

Tamra Judge and Kelly Dodd are like your mother and your mother-in-law at the same holiday dinner. They’re not gonna speak or look at each other. But, they are going to viciously jab from all corners until it all comes bubbling to the surface over the way to make gravy or something.

Braunwyn Windham-Burke invited all the women to Miami so they can understand her better. Apparently, we’re now defining our personalities by cities, so Braunwyn is a Miami person. In Miami, she liked having sex with her husband, clubbed constantly, and wore skanky clothes to the grocery store. Whereas in Orange County, Braunwyn has to hide her wild side? I don’t get it… How was Braunwyn doing all this partying in between 52 pregnancies, nursing 19 babies, and also well, ostensibly, parenting? We don’t ever get a clear answer about why they left Miami, just like we don’t get a clear answer about why this is the sad-sack trip RHOC got this season. I blame Tamra because I blame her for everything.

Vicki Gunvalson & Gina Kirscheneiher

Tonight the Real Housewives Of Orange County travel to Miami – a far-flung locale where no Housewives have ever ventured before! So daring! So exciting! So unique!

Of course, this trip to unchartered territories does not come without its drama. Braunwyn Windham-Burke convinces Kelly Dodd to attend, even though Kelly’s inner voice is telling her to staaaaaay home, because duh – they have beaches in Orange County too! 

Rhylee Gerber Below deck

Ugh – The reign of Ryhlee Gerber has returned on Below Deck, and this is one kind of tyranny I’m not here for. It’s bad enough that the primary, Michael, was literally the creepiest grossest Lifetime Movie lecher of a charter guest there ever was.

Michael kept asking Simone Mashile to go shark hunting (was that some sort of double entendre I’m not getting?) but he should have asked our fishing boat captain Ryhlee. She could speared him and presented him to chef Kevin Dobson on a paleo platter.

Honestly bringing Rhylee back was just so hopelessly insincere. We all know Captain Lee Rosbach would never rehire someone who doesn’t respect her superiors or the chain of command, and the deflated way he defended his decision is all we need to know of his true feelings. With a heavy heart Ashton Pienaar accepts his burden to try and tame Rhylee from an attention-seeking lunatic to a competent deckhand. I mean I’m 100% positive they can find someone hard working (and hot) mid-season, but that person may not ruthlessly destroy a happy team of otherwise deckhands.

Rhylee Gerber

Ugh – I’m already tied of Rhylee Gerber and she hasn’t even been in one episode of this season’s Below Deck, but sadly for us all that is about to change! Literally even the preview has me drained of her drama.

As Brian de Saint Pern is dealing with his knee injury Captain Lee Rosbach calls Rhylee in just in time. Instead of rescuing the deckhands Rhylee proves to be an immediately toxic presence that pushes Ashton Pienaar almost to his breaking point.

Nene Leakes Real Housewives Of Atlanta

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta featured way, way too much of messy Marlo Hampton. Lady, worry about fixing the fit on your sequined jumpsuit, not about fixing Cynthia Bailey‘s friendship with Nene Leakes! Did I just agree with NeNe on something? Well, Fix it JESUS – save me from myself.

Otherwise, Kenya Moore‘s marriage to Marc Daly is in some major trouble – as if we didn’t know that already. And Porsha Williams decides against rekindling her relationship with Dennis McKinley.