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Vanderpump Rules Jax Taylor

This season seems to be a reckoning on Vanderpump Rules. A washing the slate clean to prepare for the new and fresh, and the people getting hit the hardest are Jax Taylor and Scheana Marie. I welcome this.

For some bizarro reason Max Boyens hosts a beach clean-up at a public beach that gets regularly cleaned by the city. Then, because this makes total logical sense, everyone who shows up is swilling wine out of plastic solo cups. Erm. Look – I get it, they need to give Max something to DO besides women, but how about we get a little more filler about his backstory? Like who is this guy other than the person who’s presumably replacing Jax as the Number 3 guy in the TomSquared concoction.

Speaking of Jax, he does not attend because he it’s ridiculous to have to drive “4 hours,” polluting the environment to clean up a beach. He’s not wrong, but of course Brittany Cartwright is there. They could’ve taken the car pool lane, y’all!

Adam Glick Jenna MacGillivray Below Deck Sailing Yacht

It’s official – Adam Glick is a bad omen. There he was whistling, whistling, whistling…. all throughout the entire episode of Below Deck Sailing Yacht, and everywhere he blew a tune bad luck soon followed.

Georgia Grobler is secretly in love with Paget Berry, one half of an incestuous set of twins, but in order to keep the on-board harmony Georgia is forced to succumb to a date with Chris Miller, a sunny side up egg in a carton of hard boiled.

Jenna MacGillivray just wants Adam to love her, however the more she begs the more he rolls up the windows on his trusty traveling van and puts up a “No Emotional Vacancies” sign. Madison Stalker just wants to be understood, and appreciated, and loved, and accepted and all the things one will not find in the storage hull of a super yacht. Captain Glenn Shephard just wants to have the perfect sail, but in his quest for an uncomplicated voyage he finds himself throttled by the wind.

Real Housewives Of New York Sonja Morgan

I fucking love Real Housewives Of New York. I don’t even know what else to say. Like let’s just end this recap right now and watch it again.

Sonja Morgan is headed to fashion week which entails all the disasters you’d imagine will occur when Sonja Morgan attempts to do anything. She’s got models wearing toaster oven boxes. Oh, wait she doesn’t have models! She’s got 65 interns running around making a runway out of printer paper. She’s got Home Depot flowers arranged by colors in plastic solo cups which will also double as cocktails becuase she soaked the flowers in Sonja Sangria. That’s right – she has a sangria collection too.

She’s got Collection 21 there, but Sonja means it’s collection 50+, for gals who don’t age, but kinda do. Meaning mentally they stay 21 forever. (That’s what Sonja loves about these 20-something boys — she may get older, but they just stay the same age.) It’s the whole Sonja Shit-show complete with fashion editors sitting on paper towel pallets and eating cocktail wienies she cooked backstage with a flatiron in a Carmen San Diego hat she turned into a roasting pan. Then when it’s time for everyone to say goodbye Sonja strolls into the industrial kitchen, changes into a sweat suit and shoos them all out the door. Seriously – did this fashion show take place in a hotel basement?

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Teddi Mellencamp

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Kyle Richards decided to throw a party to celebrate the many months she’s spent away on a movie set, far from her family and friends, even though she was coming home every weekend in between. Anyway this party was a disaster. Aren’t they all!

Everyone is still trying to make a storyline out of Teddi Mellencamps weird All In retreat. Did Teddi invite them, did she not? Does she want them there? Does she not? Does anyone actually care? No of course not!

The problem remains on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills that everyone is always trying to control the storylines and the narrative. Now it’s all about whether or not Teddi actually expects them to attend a 2 day exercise class where she preaches the exalted power of self-sacrifice through starvation. Teddi really isn’t interesting enough to be a cult leader – even in Southern California to emaciated hippies calling it wellness.

The whole situation has Sutton Stracke confused and Lisa Rinna salivating.

Vanderpump Rules Stassi Schroeder Engagement Ring

You guys we just got through another Vanderpump Rules wedding, and now we’re rushed right into another engagement. I just… don’t… think… I … can… take… it. I am fatigued, y’all. Fatigued! I feel about these weddings the way everyone else on this show feels about their friendships with Kristen Doute. I am wrung out on made-for-TV pseudo-happiness and forever afters.

The latest couple to plod towards the aisle escorted by all the Bravo trappings is Stassi Schroeder and Beau Clark. Blah, blah, blah – beautiful proposal, fabulous vintage Tiffany ring (omg – swoon), followed by a fantastic surprise engagement party thrown by Lisa Vanderpump at Villa Rosa which made Brittany Cartwright, former princess bridezilla, jealous. Worth it just for that!

See Brittany is done bride-ing, and is now riding Jax Taylor for the rest of live-long days. She wanted a frog who turned into a prince, but what she got was a frog who turned into an ogre. But at least that ogre can push a lawnmower! 

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Adam Glick Jenna MacGillivray

Last night’s Below Deck Sailing Yacht was a battle for the most annoying egos. Starting with charter guest Lyndi, whose voice had a fabricated squeakiness I assume she thinks is cute and charming, but actually sounds like a five-year-old in Suzuki violin lessons. Then there was Adam Glick. Someone please just drop him in a barren wasteland, far from any females for the remainder of his days.

Lyndi is on this trip with her boyfriend Jesse, who she decidedly does not love. Maybe she did love him until she tasted Adam… Adam’s food that is. It’s probably that Lyndi mostly eschews calories, so being around the decadence of Adam’s cooking which contain *gasp* fat grams has her in a state of arousal.

After arguing with Jesse at dinner because she won’t stop openly hitting on Adam, Lyndi and her pal sneak down to the galley to harass him. Jenna MacGillivray is standing right there, watching as these OC wannabe Barbies throw themselves at him. Adam always seems like he smells like grease and fish – uck.

Real Housewives Of New York Leah McSweeney

Ain’t no party like a Real Housewives Of New York party! Especially when you mix Leah McSweeney with Sonja Morgan for the ultimate, super potent cocktail. COCK-tail being the operative word considering that a vibrator wound up in the chicken. Imagine the immersion blender capabilities…

It’s the morning after another party where Sonja got so trashed she screamed about shaving pussies in a $39.9 million dollar house. They all wake up to learn Luann de Lesseps fled in the middle of the night citing the horror of being shut into Ramona Singer‘s basement amid the fumes of dog pee and a spider infestation. Is it spider or spite-her? Luann thinks she was put down below on purpose to remind her of her place, but Ramona is probably just thoughtless and a terrible hostess.

They’re all taking a tour of said basement of supposed horrors when Luann calls Ramona to explain why she got so upset. Luann is feeling left out and has FOMO, simple as that. She’s already the outcast for not drinking, then she’s shunted into the basement, hidden away like a pox on fun.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Erika Jayne

Everyone on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is trying waywayway too hard to make things interesting after last season. They are working hard for that money, but they need a salary reduction anyway. They’re still lying and boring!

It’s apparent that production demanded Dorit Kemsley discuss her financial woes. Dorit is still not being honest. It’s also apparent that they put the smackdown on Erika Jayne Snore-ardi and told her to show more range than one of Aaron Phyper‘s weird oxygenic bioderminator ozzzzzcilation machines. Sutton Stracke is so much more interesting! And they hate her for it.

The other problem is the constant strategic alliances. These women are coming for the weakest links: pregnant Teddi Mellencamp and ill, clueless Denise Richards. They probably figured Denise has been through it all dealing with Charlie Sheen so what’s the difference.