Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives Of Atlanta. I feel like this season just started, but I also feel like it’s been happening forever. . Maybe there was entirely too much repetitive drama and by that I mean Nene Leakes vs. Kenya Moore and Todd Tucker vs. Mama Joyce.
It all started out so promisingly with everyone excited about attending Kandi Burruss and Todd’s baby shower. Just kidding – no it didn’t! The episode opened with Kenya expending precious energy during an event for her hair care line by bashing NeNe as a bully with no friends.
TMZ just happened to be outside a strip mall salon in Atlanta where 5 of Kenya’s closest employees were gathered to witness the momentous day when she exploded a shampoo bottle and called it a product launch. The ‘paparazzi’ consisted of one lone guy holding a glorified HandyCam while simultaneously asking questions. He really didn’t care about the natural proteins in a KM Haircare product, but he did care about the latest installment in Life Of Leakes.
God bless Real Housewives Of New York. Seriously. This show is the gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving, like Sonja Morgan‘s vagina after a couple shots. And Sexy J really went to 11 yesterday.
With the Blue Stone Manor under construction the ladies are in the Hamptons bedding down at Ramona Singer‘s palatial abode. Too bad Luann de Lesseps was still shunted into the finished basement. Still a basement is a basement is a basement with spiders, and smelling a bit like must and dog piss. Which incidentally is probably the scent of the perfume Sonja is bottling as part of her lifestyle collection. After a miserable night Luann bailed to visit her chiropractor while the rest of the ladies hit up a vineyard.
Luann is the tempest in the third floor, and must’ve caused an awful storm to reflect her mood because it was overcast, raining, and gloomy. Ramona decided the theme of this trip is bonding, so she turns a boozy lunch into the opportunity to interrogate everyone about their deepest fears and insecurities. It’s mostly because she wants Tinsley Mortimer to spill the beans, but Tinsley has been around this town and this circuit longer than anyone. Truthfully, because she was born in it and it’s simply not that easy to upend the Tinz.
It’s a new dawn on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills! Kyle Richards kaftans became legit, debuting at NY Fashion Week. Erika Jayne is trying a new way to take heat off her life – being friends with the women. Lisa Rinna is still lecturing everyone about owning it, while not owning that she is overjoyed to be No 1 Lisa. Also, we met new cast members Garcelle Beauvais and Sutton Stracke. So far I love them both!
All the ladies are in NYC for Kyle’s fashion show. One day before Kyle hasn’t even seen most of the collection she so-called designed. She calls Dorit Kemsley in a blind panic because she has no idea what do to prepare for a runway show. Like how to present the collection cohesively? How does one figure out who wears what? Dorit is appalled that Kyle has a line that she basically slapped her name on. Um, isn’t that what Dorit just finished Beverly Beach mediation over?
Last night on Vanderpump Rules we celebrated the re-wedding of Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney. Although the relationship continuation of these two toxic assholes is definitely not something anyone should be celebrating, I have to acknowledge that it was the most perfect wedding this show has ever had.
TomKatastrophe 2.0 totally encapsulated the cluster-fucky spirit of what we initially loved about Vanderpump Rules: real friends, down on their luck, but somehow pulling it together and making the most of it. Of course, there were two notable absences to this momentous event: Scheana Marie and Kristen Doute.
Scheana was off getting her eggs retrieved. No, she wasn’t at Whole Foods buying a half dozen in order to chat up the hot 20 year old in the dairy department who is just like her BEST. FRIEND. She just bought him a Roomba after they made eyes when she dropped a carton of skim milk, so now they’re like totally moving from the crush stage to the instagram stories official phase. To Scheana BFF stands for Best Fuck Friend. Scheana’s problem is that her brain is 13 but her biological clock is 34.
Oh, the men on Below Deck strike again. This franchise is cursed by toxic, ridiculous men, isn’t it? And Below Deck Sailing Yacht proves to be no exception! Last night’s chief offenders where Adam Glick (duh) and Parker McCown who has the emotional reserves of a toddler and the coping skills of a drunk frat boy being told the keg is empty.
Well, at least the charter guests were lovely! Both to look at and interact with. Maisa, the primary, is a scout for Playboy Slovenia which sounds like the type of job one has as a glorified yacht girl turned trophy wife. Still Maisa was polite and charming. Most of the guests this season have been great – and even those who sucked as people were at least good tippers. Maybe sail boats put people in better moods than motor yachts?
Adam has his manties in a twist because it turns out that Jenna MacGillivray and Georgia Grobler have a shared ex-boyfriend named Johan. Jenna dated him for a couple months and finds this random connection hilarious. Her current boyfriend Adam — not so much. Adam literally rips Georgia a new one for making a joke about it. Georiga is visibly shaken as she tells Jenna about Adam’s reaction.
Everyone on Real Housewives Of Atlanta is struggling to find a balance in their relationships. For some, that means moving on, and for some, that means making concessions.
Kandi Burruss needs to stop focusing on checks and get a reality check about where her priorities should be. Todd Tucker is frustrated that she’s never around and has basically left him to raise their 3-year-old son, Ace, as a single dad.
Sure, someone has to earn money, but Kandi is obsessed! She’s basically temporarily moved to Chicago to film a TV show which counts as legal professional cheating because she gets to film steamy super graphic sex scenes with what I hope is a hot actor. Meanwhile, Todd is in Atlanta planning an over-the-top Hollywood themed baby shower to welcome their new baby.
The inclusion of Leah McSweeney into Real Housewives Of New York is creating a cultural divide between generations. Here we have Leah, a millennial on the cusp of also being a Gen Xer. Someone, ahem, my age. Then we have the rest of the ‘girls.’ Still calling themselves “girls” well (WELL) past the acceptable age of being called so. Which is something only middle-aged women of a certain generation do. These girls are actually OKBoomers, and these boomers are treating Leah and Tinsley Mortimer like their willful daughters who don’t recognize good sense.
The problem is, of course, that Tinsley and Leah are grown-ass women, well-past the acceptable age of being called “girls” themselves. Although Tinsley has clung vehemently to the pretensions of her mother’s generation and, on the surface, tries to adhere to the notions of how one behaves. Leah is more like “fuck it all.” She’s Bethenny Frankel-lite, which is why she’s shaping up to be a good replacement.
Oh sheesh, after serial dating everyone else on the cast to see who sticks (aka who will even pretend to put up with them), Dayna Kathan and Brett Caprioni are finally getting their moment on Vanderpump Rules.
And then there is Stassi Schroeder literally begging Beau Clark for a ring. Isn’t this a pattern for her to demand these men want to commit on her terms? Just like it’s a pattern for Scheana Marie to fake BFF every guy under 30 who she meets at SUR, writing his initials in puffy paint circled by a heart on all her most favorite sweatshirts. Doodling SM + ANYONE WHO WILL LOVE ME AND MY PRACTICALLY BARREN GERIATRIC WOMB. Anyway, where is Lala Kent to point out Stassi’s flaws? Good thing we’re here to do that instead.
Seriously Scheana may not be able to land a date, but she’s certainly able to launch the would-be careers of previously no-name SURvers. Maybe she should finally give up waitressing to go work with Beau in central casting? (Not kidding!)