On tonight’s Vanderpump Rules the ladies are still in Solvang – the Epcot Center of wine countries – and Crazy Kristen Doute is rearing her ugly head. We like to call her ‘The Kritter’ since it’s so much more ominous but you know either nickname will suffice.
It was a night of changes galore for the ladies of Real Housewives Of Atlanta. And despite what Japanese fortunes may have predicted, everyone’s lives were shifting and sliding in various directions. Just like the empty old wine bottles Cynthia Bailey wants to affix to the walls of her new wine bar.
I mean Jesus told Cynthia to do it and she is a “prayer of Jesus” who says recycle thy juice of the holy spirit. Or maybe that’s just Cynthia’s way of hiding how much wine she and her fellow Housewives consume?
In fact, the season opens with Kyle Richards getting thrown out of LVP’s house and Ken Todd telling her that she is NOT a good friend. Fast forward to two months earlier, we check in with all the ladies.
Unsurprisingly, Erika Girardi wakes up alone. Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave, meanwhile, wakes up in an enormous new house they purchased for the canyon views. Teddi is now running an accountability empire and trying to hold herself accountable to the motherhood/work balance. Things get so confusing her five-year-old winds up wearing one of Teddi’s crop tops as a t-shirt. #DontGiveBethennyAnyIdeas
After seasons and seasons of LymeLies, and Munchensnoozin, and dishwares dramas, and panty-PeeKers, and Brokendown Brandi-gates, it’s impossible to recall that this show was once as exciting, raw, and authentically crazy asReal Housewives Of New York! I mean this recap of Kyle Richards‘ most memorable moments stands as a testament to the great letdown of my reality TV obsessed life.
Batten down the hatches because after a few weeks of in hiding Krazy Kristen Doute has returned in full splendor on Vanderpump Rules. Solvang? Or So Insane? Kristen wasn’t the only one Solvagning problems though – Jax Taylor and James Kennedy both went to therapy, but not together. Although they probably should.
It’s the day after the inaugural TomTom party and Lisa Vanderpump hasn’t had a hangover since 1985, aka before Tom 1 and Tom 2 were born… Oh, wait: everyone on this show is pushing 40, which makes them older than me. And they’ve definitely given LVP enough headaches to quantify as a hangover.
The Toms are overjoyed with their first event. They were ready to spread the doors wide to the public at large. Tom 2 wants a gold star on his chore chart.
Lisa reminds them that there’s no gas (or ice). James was spinning records in the utility closet sitting on 2 Costco mega-packs of Charmin Double Ply.
Tonight on Vanderpump RulesLala Kent rewards the girls for no longer calling her a whore by taking them on a private jet to Solvang Wine Country.
Of course, since this is Vanderpump Rules, aka NeverNeverLand for drunken delusionoids, Kristen Doute acts up and embarrasses everyone. Of course hinging your life’s worth on a private jet is embarrassing enough so I can’t imagine how bad Kristen must be!
Last night the Real Housewives Of Atlanta ended their trip to Tokyo with some tears, but plenty of laughs. I never thought we’d see a Real Housewives trip end without a major blowout fight. However, it turns out pickles make people laugh, they make people love, and they make people forget all their rude thoughts! More pickles for the reunion, Andy Cohen!
Over in Japan Dennis McKinley is missing Porsha Williams so much he sends her a bouquet of flowers that looks like the vegetation in a Super Mario Brothers game from the 90’s.
This so-called arrangement was a hot mess that was bursting out of its box – just like Porsha’s boobs were bursting out of her top. Some mad science definitely was being used to keep those things taped. She was one sneeze away from an explosion. NASA has better things to do, y’all!