This show … I just can’t get enough of Real Housewives Of New York! From Leah McSweeney instructing Tinsley Mortimer to go gangster – or “Cardi Llama” on Dorinda Medley; to Ramona Singer‘s condom situations, to the Russian baths with ginger vodka and Luann de Lesseps‘ bush coming back to haunt her. RHONY is the glimmer of unstoppable hope for Real Housewives everywhere. May you never change, no matter how far you stray uptown.
So on that note, Leah, Luann, and Tinsley are all sick after their day at the orchards. Well, I think we know where Coronavirus started! The Countesses’ cough. This is an unlikely trifecta for a brunch date, Luann is a surprisingly good foible for Leah and Tinsley. Also Luann looks phenomenal. She is literally aging backwards as she struts up to the table like someone told her the sidewalk was a cabaret stage. All the world’s a stage, darlings!
Tinsley is late, and when she arrives, she is distraught. Is Tinsley every any other way? Dale Mercer clearly didn’t warn Tinsley that her face would freeze this way, because it has.
Tinsley is upset about Dorinda, and honestly she should be. Dorinda has attacked every facet of Tinsley’s life and it is just so unwarranted. Even Luann and Leah, who really love Dorinda, agree that she is so so out of line when it comes to her vendetta. Leah thinks this originated with Dorinda’s jealousy that Tinsley was born with a silver spoon and takes it for granted. Leah advises Tinsley to “get gangster” by telling Dorinda to stay the fuck out of her life and leave her alone – or else! Or else what? Tinsley will tell Dale? Cry? Swat at her with a Birkin, then run and hide?
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Luann just wants Tinsley to understand that although they may be bitches, they are not dogs, so she should stop communicating in dog whistle pitch. According to Luann the problem is that when Tinsley gets upset she unravels, and starts squealing, which then gets Dorinda even more riled up… Tinsley leaps out of her chair and squeals to show she agrees with this assessment.
See, here’s the thing: this is all more excuses for Dorinda’s behavior. She’s a twatty bitch who needs to stop. Leah is right that Tinsley needs to put Dorinda in her place, but Tinsley won’t. Which is why Leah proposes a Plan B – they do an intervention. Preferably someplace where everyone is relaxed like a spa! A genius idea! (NOT)
Furthermore Leah is depressed after the wine tour becuase Dorinda was such a nightmare, then Sonja Morgan barfed on the bus, probably on Tinsley’s shoes. No wonder Tinsley feels so rejected. Leah likes crazy, but she’s not sure likes things that crazy, and thinks they need to start sorting some of these issues out.
Meanwhile, across town, Ramona is forcing Dorinda and Sonja to exercise with an extra from the GI Jane movie. This is not what the extremely hungover Sonja and Dorinda need. They need lunch – eggs ala francaise and hair of the dog bloody Marys. But Ramona wants to do sit-ups to get the blood flowing, and the gossip. Afterwards Ramona questions Dorinda about why she’s so angry with Tinsley. Dorinda prophesies that Tinsley is immature and constantly playing the victim. Ramona believes Tinsley is emotionally stunted, which can be irritating, but the true problem is that Dorinda is victimizing Tinsley. I agree with Ramona.
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The irony is that for all Dorinda’s complaining that Tinsley is stuck in a past and can’t move forwards, this is exactly the problem in Dorinda’s life! Dorinda visits a life coach, who let’s be frank – is really a therapist that rich women can claim is not a therapist, so they feel less bad about their insipid problems. Anyway, Dorinda’s problem is she never mourned Richard, but instead just pretended everything was fine, like in a coma. One day she woke up — and unfortunately it was next to John. Now Dorinda has to finally confront the reality that her marriage is over and she’s been living on Sonja’s turf in a powder keg of disintegrating memories, unable to grow.
If we think this revelation is gonna change Dorinda’s behavior, we’re quite wrong.
Leah hosts all the ladies at the infamous Russian Baths downtown. Sure, it’s not the glossiest and chicest spa in town, but they serve ginger vodka, lunch with carbs, and will beat you with tree branches until your cellulite cowers in fear. Sounds good to me! It’s obvious that Leah chose this place in part to scandalize these uptight bitches, and it works. Dorinda is traumatized by going anywhere near Canal Street, and the last time Luann was there it was to check in with her probation officer. Tinsley refuses to leave her jewelry with the front desk and claims she even sleeps in her hoops. Oh, please!
It turns out that this is where Russian mobsters bring their mistresses, and Lord knows what else, so Ramona probably has a good chance of gettin a date here. Ergo she is optimistic! Until they see the hats, which look like little cotton condoms. I love this place.
After the hats, and the sauna, there is Mother Nature’s revenge massage as hot men literally whacked their asses with branches until they could take no more. Luann loved it. Sonja feels revitalized (and horny). Bush whacking is their thing. Ramona would like something far more genteel and elegant, perhaps a traditional massage with True Renewal massage oil from an attractive, established older gentleman?
Tinsley refused to participate because it’s “icky.” Also Dale told her never to trust strange men holding foliage. I mean, what if they’re forrest monsters who will steal her soul before trapping her in a mason jar? Dorinda thinks she conceived a baby.
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Following the spa treatments comes lunch, but when there is ample time to talk, problems arrive in this group. Ramona, who is embarking upon an late-in-life career as socialite and It Girl, proposes that they all go to Newport, RI for a classy beach trip. “Ramona” and “classy” go together about as well as the words “Ramada” and “Five Star” Maybe as far as Ramona panning a luxury vacation goes, it’s the thought that counts?
Leah decides they cannot possibly go away together with so many unresolved issues. Everyone looks at her blankly like ‘what unresolved issues?’ Finally Leah spells it out that Dorinda is heinous to Tinsley and after much prodding Tinsley announces that she respects Dorinda and hopes they can start over.
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That’s when Ramona throws herself on a pickle spear: she confronts Dorinda about her rages, and states that when Dorinda is angry she lashes out so intensely it’s almost unforgivable. Like basically accusing Tinsley of being a yacht girl, bought and paid for with jewelry and shoes. Even though Tinz was born a rich girl and will die one – even if she uses all her silver spoons to feed dogs liver pate or for a spoon percussion instrument.
Dorinda yells that Ramona has no leg to stand on since she also goes for the jugular and has no tact. Dorinda wants examples of her creuly and Ramona is armed and ready to remind her of throwing Luann’s mugshot in her face during their trip to Cartagena. That does not count – everyone blocked that trip out!
The spa day ends with tension and annoyance as Dorinda and Ramona try to one-up each other over who is the biggest downer. Is this a race to the bottom? I think so!
Then we meet Leah’s sister, Sarah, who is insanely gorgeous. Seriously! Leah has been dating some pita mogul she calls “Pita Bread.” He brings her food and it’s pretty no strings attached, however she’s reconsidering him completely after she sent him a naked photo of her holding a pita over her crotch and then caught him forwarding it to a friend. That’s like preemptive revenge porn. She should dump him.
Ramona hosts a party for mature classy women looking for sisterhood and soulmates, to mingle and chat. She is the upper east side Oprah now. Pinot solves all the world’s ills of women who feel disenfranchised from other wealthy divorces. And this is multi-level marketing where the product is your friends?
Ramona also invited Dorinda and Sonja becuase clearly she has not looked up the word classy in the dictionary lately, and also wanted Bravo to pay for the drinks.
Elyse Slaine bizarrely asks Ramona if she keeps condoms in her nightstand. Why? Ramona does not, in fact, have them but that’s because they got all used up by an indefatigable suitor named Viagara, who once came to stay 3 times in one night. Ramona also has ‘one of those things you stir chicken with…’ Ew.
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Sonja wasn’t here for this conversation, which was a missed opportunity, but she did bring Ramona a dress — a Sonja Morgan New York sample size in a 10, to make up for the one Ramona ripped trying to get on. Also this is revenge. At the spa Ramona told Sonja she needed to lose ten pounds. Now Sonja is repaying the favor by informing everyone that Ramona is ready for My 600 Pound Life. Is Dr. Now single?
Sonja is a Sonja Morgan New York sized M, thank you very much, therefore she does not need to diet! When clothes are being sized by S, M, or L you know they are very sophisticated, expensive, and worthy of an Upper East Side ladies night where everyone stands around spewing pleasantries! Well, everyone ‘cept Dorinda!
I don’t even remember what set these two off, but Ramona suspected Dorinda wouldn’t even come after their blowup at the Russian Baths. Dorinda was trying to put everything behind them, as is their way, and have a nice time playing the role of Mrs. Medley. But Dorinda is always there, three sheets to the wind, lurking just below her collarbone; so before she can stop herself Ramona and Dorinda are rehashing the spa fight.
Dorinda thinks Ramona is a hypocrite who has no business pointing out that anyone else is nasty to their friends. Of course then Sonja leaps in to back Dorinda’s case with supporting evidence: just the day before Ramona fat shamed her at the spa and made her cry. Ramona thinks Dorinda needs to stop acting like a Real Housewife Of New York in front of her real friends. Doesn’t Dorinda know to leave that at the door? She doesn’t have to act like a bitch all the time just because she plays one on TV.
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Ramona decides Dorinda needs to leave, just as Dorinda declares she’s leaving. Elyse tries desperately to get them to stay and work things out, but winds up following a shouting Dorinda and Sonja into the hallway as they are trailed by Ramona, also shouting. Then Dorinda is bawling that no one understands what she goes through – especially not that spoiled brat Tinsley who needs to grow up and respect her elder, Richard. Richard told Tinsley she can’t go to the party in that ridiculous depressed Princess Leia hair-do, but Tinsley is just whines, whines, whines and making her parents feel like they failed at raising her with values.
Then Elyse ushers them all back inside the party to avoid the neighbors being subjected to this mess, and Dorinda cries all the way back into the living room while Ramona nods sympathetically that she understands Dorinda is going through a low time and needs her fiends. Sonja makes a beeline for the snack table to inhale some canapés, because she never lets an appetizer go to waste – that’s just not who she is. Ramona’s real fiends stand around, plastered to the walls with fear, wondering how in the hell they wound up below Canal Street when they aren’t even trying to have a lesbian marriage.
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TELL US – WAS RAMONA BEING A HYPOCRITE TO DORINDA, OR DID DORINDA NEED TO HEAR IT? WILL TINSLEY EVER STAND UP TO DORINDA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]