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Billie Lee

Stariana

Whew! Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was packed full of drama, wrapped in Stariana’s delusion, and doused with the warm flat remains of Tom Schwartz‘s Coors Light after he passed out in some random person’s house.

Lisa Vanderpump will be working to stop Yulin forever. To accomplish her goal of replacing all people in the world with dogs she requires each SURvian to own at least one canine. Even James Kennedy, who gets left out of everything, is not exempt. And guess what – to demonstrate what a topsy-turvy world this is, his dog is the cutest. The only exception is Scheana Marie, who has a cat. Because Scheana is more of a pariah than even James, and obviously has to own a me-centric animal (true confession I am a cat person).

Everyone meets at Vanderpump Dogs to put a temporary tattoo on their face and get a photo with their pooch, then post it on Instagram. Including James. Whose firing is the talk of the pound as he strolls through the door with Raquel Leviss by his side.

Lisa Vanderpump & James Kennedy

Tonight Vanderpump Rules returns after it’s holiday hiatus. And I am ready for it!

Last time we saw this crew of geriatric bartenders and former bartenders, James Kennedy was sobbing over being fired by Lisa Vanderpump for fat shaming Katie Maloney. It’s a sick, sad world indeed when Katie is allowed to give ultimatums and Lisa capitulates. However, it seems like Lisa she realized the error of her ways. I mean, nobody really wants to put Katie Jong-Un in charge of anything! 

Lisa Vanderpump

So, nothing really happened on last night’s Vanderpump Rules except that James Kennedy got fired and Brittany Cartwright made goopy neon orange sauce from stale beer, gourmet cheese, and ranch dressing. BECAUSE NO ONE HAS EVER DISCOVERED THE SPLENDORS OF BEER CHEESE.

James can’t eat beer cheese though because he’s given up alcohol for the 300th time. That, my friend, is a blessing in disguise. I have tasted this mythic beer goop that only comes from the bosom of mammaw’s Kentucky paws, you know, and meh. 

Raquel Leviss

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules the quest to destroy James Kennedy continued. Will he be victorious?! Read on to find out…. or at least hear more about what happened.

Back in the trenches of SUR, the dumpster cesspool is oozing with slime and gooey particles as everyone watches the time bomb that is James‘ sex life explode. After calling Katie Maloney too fat for her green shorts, James storms out. He does a lap around the building and ends up at Jax Taylor‘s little bar shack as he is scrambling to remember what goes in a Pumptini.

Stassi Schroeder is just complaining about James being unhinged, and like that moment in a horror movie where you just know the heroine (it pains me to compare Stassi to a heroine) is about to get killed, James lurks right behind wielding an insult about dildos. Does it have spikes – we know Stassi loves those sort of things as weapons!

James Kennedy

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules we learned that James Kennedy was a very busy boy at Coachella. He managed to ruin his friendship with Lala Kent and cheat on his girlfriend while she was passed out in the next room. Where have we heard that before!?

This is obviously going to be the season of James. So far, he’s the only thing anyone seems to be talking about. So he’s probably correct that everyone is obsessed with him. Congratulations on achieving your ultimate goal, White Kanye!

Only in the SURallel universe that is Vanderpump Rules would your ex-girlfriend, who you cheated on, be orchestrating your surprise engagement party with the girlfriend, now fiance, whom you also cheated on. But here we all are and Lisa Vanderpump is the guest of honor, instead of Britnax’d.

Lisa probably wandered into Jax Taylor‘s apartment and marveled that her own bathroom is bigger than the entire place. Then she decided the ring he gave Brittany Cartwright is obviously cubic zirconium from the Alexis Couture Jesus Barbie Bling Collection sold by Gretchen Christine Bootay. Because no one would spend $70k on a ring while living in a place that has parquet floors. Quelle Whorreur!

JAx Taylor buys an engagement ring

This season of Vanderpump Rules is opening on some strange notes, like the freestyle rappings of James Kennedy, and the scent of death and sadness mixed with the sticky spills of rose, goat cheese, and Jax Taylor‘s attempts to impersonate how he thinks a decent man should behave (tampon shopping!)

Immediately it becomes apparent that this will be another season of everyone villainzing James while pretending Jax is a new man as they plan his wedding to Brittany Cartwright. Forgiving Jax and hating James are literally the only subjects this show has anymore. And James, like the little whack-a-mole he is, will come back for hit after hit, cause he’s the White Kanye Baby and hits is what they do!

Far less frivolous are Lisa Vanderpump and Lala Kent dealing with painful losses in their lives. Lala’s father passed away from a stroke 2 months earlier, and she has inherited his mantra to be kind. Even to sketchy people. (Lest their names be James.) Lisa is mourning the loss of her brother, her only sibling, who committed suicide 5 weeks before filming started. Wow – that’s so devastating. 

Reality TV Listings - Vanderpump Rules Reunion

Bravo is giving out Christmas and Hanukkah gifts early this year because TONIGHT is the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules Season 7. Bring on the pasta – which is what it’s all about, right? Anyway, before we dive into a new season of super dramas, let’s revisit all the chaos from last season.

Without a doubt the three (or maybe four or possibly even 5) biggest dramas from last season were: Jax Taylor cheating on Brittany Cartwright, James Kennedy and Lala Kent ending their friendship accord over pasta (and Though Who Shall Not Be Called Anything Less Than Perfect, Randall Emmett), and Tom 1 & Tom 2 finally growing up to become bar owners with the opening of Tom Tom. Of course in between all that there were accusations that James cheated on Raquel Leviss with both his BFF Logan Noh and possibly Kristen Doute. Then there was Stassi Schroeder finally revealing PATRICK to the world… We wish she’d kept that shit covered. And of course, Scheana Marie had her Super ROB, ROB, ROB, ROB… This is the song that never ends.

SO let’s dive in.

Reality Star Sightings –

Happy Monday! We’re kicking off this short holiday week with a new roundup of reality star sightings! First up, former Teen Mom OG star Farrah Abraham sampled new menu offerings during expansion construction at Crazy Horse 3 in Las Vegas. Farrah Abraham has landed another MTV reality show with “Ex on the Beach”, for which she is reportedly earning $300,000!

The Real Housewives of New York star Bethenny Frankel attended the opening of FAO Schwarz’s flagship store at 30 Rockfeller Plaza in NYC.

Kandi Burruss stopped by the Sirius XM studios this week as she promoted The Real Housewives of Atlanta.