Whew! Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was packed full of drama, wrapped in Stariana’s delusion, and doused with the warm flat remains of Tom Schwartz‘s Coors Light after he passed out in some random person’s house.
Lisa Vanderpump will be working to stop Yulin forever. To accomplish her goal of replacing all people in the world with dogs she requires each SURvian to own at least one canine. Even James Kennedy, who gets left out of everything, is not exempt. And guess what – to demonstrate what a topsy-turvy world this is, his dog is the cutest. The only exception is Scheana Marie, who has a cat. Because Scheana is more of a pariah than even James, and obviously has to own a me-centric animal (true confession I am a cat person).
Everyone meets at Vanderpump Dogs to put a temporary tattoo on their face and get a photo with their pooch, then post it on Instagram. Including James. Whose firing is the talk of the pound as he strolls through the door with Raquel Leviss by his side.
Tonight Vanderpump Rules returns after it’s holiday hiatus. And I am ready for it!
Last time we saw this crew of geriatric bartenders and former bartenders, James Kennedy was sobbing over being fired by Lisa Vanderpump for fat shaming Katie Maloney. It’s a sick, sad world indeed when Katie is allowed to give ultimatums and Lisa capitulates. However, it seems like Lisa she realized the error of her ways. I mean, nobody really wants to put Katie Jong-Un in charge of anything!
So, nothing really happened on last night’s Vanderpump Rules except that James Kennedy got fired and Brittany Cartwright made goopy neon orange sauce from stale beer, gourmet cheese, and ranch dressing. BECAUSE NO ONE HAS EVER DISCOVERED THE SPLENDORS OF BEER CHEESE.
James can’t eat beer cheese though because he’s given up alcohol for the 300th time. That, my friend, is a blessing in disguise. I have tasted this mythic beer goop that only comes from the bosom of mammaw’s Kentucky paws, you know, and meh.
On last night’s Vanderpump Rules the quest to destroy James Kennedy continued. Will he be victorious?! Read on to find out…. or at least hear more about what happened.
Back in the trenches of SUR, the dumpster cesspool is oozing with slime and gooey particles as everyone watches the time bomb that is James‘ sex life explode. After calling Katie Maloney too fat for her green shorts, James storms out. He does a lap around the building and ends up at Jax Taylor‘s little bar shack as he is scrambling to remember what goes in a Pumptini.
Stassi Schroeder is just complaining about James being unhinged, and like that moment in a horror movie where you just know the heroine (it pains me to compare Stassi to a heroine) is about to get killed, James lurks right behind wielding an insult about dildos. Does it have spikes – we know Stassi loves those sort of things as weapons!
On last night’s Vanderpump Rules we learned that James Kennedy was a very busy boy at Coachella. He managed to ruin his friendship with Lala Kentand cheat on his girlfriend while she was passed out in the next room. Where have we heard that before!?
This is obviously going to be the season of James. So far, he’s the only thing anyone seems to be talking about. So he’s probably correct that everyone is obsessed with him. Congratulations on achieving your ultimate goal, White Kanye!
Only in the SURallel universe that is Vanderpump Rules would your ex-girlfriend, who you cheated on, be orchestrating your surprise engagement party with the girlfriend, now fiance, whom you also cheated on. But here we all are and Lisa Vanderpump is the guest of honor, instead of Britnax’d.
Lisa probably wandered into Jax Taylor‘s apartment and marveled that her own bathroom is bigger than the entire place. Then she decided the ring he gave Brittany Cartwrightis obviously cubic zirconium from the Alexis Couture Jesus Barbie Bling Collection sold by Gretchen Christine Bootay. Because no one would spend $70k on a ring while living in a place that has parquet floors. Quelle Whorreur!
This season of Vanderpump Rules is opening on some strange notes, like the freestyle rappings of James Kennedy, and the scent of death and sadness mixed with the sticky spills of rose, goat cheese, and Jax Taylor‘s attempts to impersonate how he thinks a decent man should behave (tampon shopping!)
Immediately it becomes apparent that this will be another season of everyone villainzing James while pretending Jax is a new man as they plan his wedding to Brittany Cartwright. Forgiving Jax and hating James are literally the only subjects this show has anymore. And James, like the little whack-a-mole he is, will come back for hit after hit, cause he’s the White Kanye Baby and hits is what they do!
Bravo is giving out Christmas and Hanukkah gifts early this year because TONIGHT is the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules Season 7. Bring on the pasta – which is what it’s all about, right? Anyway, before we dive into a new season of super dramas, let’s revisit all the chaos from last season.
Happy Monday! We’re kicking off this short holiday week with a new roundup of reality star sightings! First up, former Teen Mom OG star Farrah Abraham sampled new menu offerings during expansion construction at Crazy Horse 3 in Las Vegas. Farrah Abraham has landed another MTV reality show with “Ex on the Beach”, for which she is reportedly earning $300,000!