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Logan Noh

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Bad Mutha

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was the collision of past and future as Stassi Schroeder’s mother demonstrated that the rotten apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!

The morning after her birthday meltdown, Stassi has some amends to make with Beau Clark. Stassi’s hangover face, puffy and red, has aged her 15 years yet she’s still drinking a beer for breakfast! It’s like one of those aging apps that shows what you’ll look like on your 50th birthday.

Apparently Stassi’s telephone harassment of Beau escalated to in-person harassment. She stormed back into the party to demand he come to bed with her immediately. And in response Beau cried. The next morning he whines that when Stassi yelled it felt like getting “dick punched” in the heart. Do dicks punch? I hadn’t known. Oh, maybe Beau means like being punched by an actual dick. Someone like Jax Taylor, perhaps.

Stassi Schroeder & Her Mom

On tonight’s all new Vanderpump Rules the fallout from Stassi Schroeder and Ariana Madix‘s joint birthday proves to have long-term drama in Stassi’s life.

First Stassi has to make amends with Beau Clark after drunkenly calling him, texting him, and screaming at him during her party. Thankfully, Beau loves Stassi but he is not willing to put up with her antics. 

Stariana

Whew! Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was packed full of drama, wrapped in Stariana’s delusion, and doused with the warm flat remains of Tom Schwartz‘s Coors Light after he passed out in some random person’s house.

Lisa Vanderpump will be working to stop Yulin forever. To accomplish her goal of replacing all people in the world with dogs she requires each SURvian to own at least one canine. Even James Kennedy, who gets left out of everything, is not exempt. And guess what – to demonstrate what a topsy-turvy world this is, his dog is the cutest. The only exception is Scheana Marie, who has a cat. Because Scheana is more of a pariah than even James, and obviously has to own a me-centric animal (true confession I am a cat person).

Everyone meets at Vanderpump Dogs to put a temporary tattoo on their face and get a photo with their pooch, then post it on Instagram. Including James. Whose firing is the talk of the pound as he strolls through the door with Raquel Leviss by his side.

Lisa Vanderpump & James Kennedy

Tonight Vanderpump Rules returns after it’s holiday hiatus. And I am ready for it!

Last time we saw this crew of geriatric bartenders and former bartenders, James Kennedy was sobbing over being fired by Lisa Vanderpump for fat shaming Katie Maloney. It’s a sick, sad world indeed when Katie is allowed to give ultimatums and Lisa capitulates. However, it seems like Lisa she realized the error of her ways. I mean, nobody really wants to put Katie Jong-Un in charge of anything! 

Lisa Vanderpump

So, nothing really happened on last night’s Vanderpump Rules except that James Kennedy got fired and Brittany Cartwright made goopy neon orange sauce from stale beer, gourmet cheese, and ranch dressing. BECAUSE NO ONE HAS EVER DISCOVERED THE SPLENDORS OF BEER CHEESE.

James can’t eat beer cheese though because he’s given up alcohol for the 300th time. That, my friend, is a blessing in disguise. I have tasted this mythic beer goop that only comes from the bosom of mammaw’s Kentucky paws, you know, and meh. 

Lala-Kent-Logan-Noh

RIP to Lala Kent and James Kennedy’s friendship. It seemed like they were just in a rift last season on Vanderpump Rules. However, Lala has declared (plenty of times) that she is done with their friendship. It seems pretty permanent this time. Lala has been calling out James for his antics every chance she gets. This is especially convenient since Season 7 is all about everyone hating on James. This is so ironic since they are just giving him more screentime.

Now, Lala is close with James’ ex-best friend Logan Noh. You know, the guy who told Brittany Cartwright’s sister that he was in love with James and they had been hooking up. James always denied this. You also might remember Logan as the innocent bystander during Lala and James’ infamous pasta-fueled fight.

Lala Kent Says She’s Seen James Kennedy “Suck On Boobies At Clubs”

This season of Vanderpump Rules is everyone vs. James Kennedy and everyone vs. James and Raquel Leviss by default. James and Lala Kent’s friendship is over for good. Now, his former bestie is telling everyone where the bodies are buried. Apparently, those bodies are buried in the Los Angeles clubs.

There’s been a lot of speculation about James cheating on Raquel. Last season, Logan Noh claimed that they hooked up. Then, Hope said that they had sex in the kitchen while Raquel was asleep in the next room at Coachella. Now, Lala says she’s seen James cheat with her own eyes.

Lala Kent & Randall Emmett’s Engagement Party- Photos

Lala Kent and Randall Emmett used to be extremely private about their romance. He was in the process of getting divorced. She was the new girl on Vanderpump Rules. Her costars investigated and overanalyzed her private life on a very public TV show. Overall, it just wasn’t the best combination for a pair to be low key.

Now that the ink is dry on his divorce, Lala is done referring to Randall as “my man” and being vague about their romance. Oh how far they’ve come.  Currently they are so proud of their relationship and they want everyone to know. They even celebrated with a big engagement party.