Everyone grab your tiny violins, it’s time to talk about Kristen Doute. The former SURver is heading into her 8th season on Vanderpump Rules and it looks like things are getting lonely for her. As you may know, Kristen is currently estranged from on/off best friends, Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder. She has been noticeably absent from any and all of Stassi’s wedding preparations amid confirmed reports her relationships are on life support.
Kristen also broke up with her boyfriend, Brian Carter, at the end of last season. Poor Carter
never worked had a problem with maintaining income that would support paying rent. For some reason this heavily impacted both Stassi and Katie’s life and factored into their struggling friendship with Kristen. Since then, Kristen has been busy with her new home and even started writing a self-help book, encouraging women to “own their crazy”. But don’t reach for the tissues quite yet. At least one old friend is standing by Kristen’s side and even showed up for a holiday photo.
Peace and harmony amongst the Vanderpump Rules Witches of WeHo trio of Stassi Schroeder, Kristen Doute and Katie Maloney was bound to end at some point. We’ve seen the three at odds many times before. For instance, when Kristen admitted to sleeping with Stassi’s ex-boyfriend, Jax Taylor. Or when Stassi treated Katie and Kristen like crap, moved to New York to be with Patrick Meagher, and then came groveling back when she couldn’t make it on her own.
However, the trio was in a good place last season. The only hitch happened to be Kristen’s
deadbeat boyfriend Brian Carter. Stassi and Katie made it loud and clear they felt Brian was taking advantage of Kristen, but Kristen wasn’t having it. Still, everything seemed fine between them. Until the past several months, that is.
Things are finally heading in the right direction for Vanderpump Rules star Stassi Schroeder. Several seasons ago, she seemed a shell of her former sharp-tongued self when she was dating mansplainer Patrick Meagher. But when that relationship finally ended, Stassi pulled herself up by her slingback straps and hasn’t looked back since.
The fashionista got her own national holiday and wrote a book that made it onto the New York Times bestsellers list. See if your cocktail book can top that, Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix! She also got engaged to her new boyfriend Beau Clark, who accepts her for who she is, birthday meltdowns and all. So, the newest season of Pump Rules will be all smiles for Stassi right? Not so fast. Apparently, there is major drama on the horizon for her and one of her besties, Kristen Doute.
Well, our prayers have been answered you guys. Another single one bites the dust in the Vanderpump Rules game of love. With this turn of events, the only people not engaged or in a relationship is myself and Kristen Doute. Anytotalspinster, Stassi Schroeder has seen her fair share of dating woes. When viewers first met Stassi, she was trying to tame bad boy Jax Taylor. At the time, Jax wasn’t marriage material. He wound up cheating on Stassi and getting a random Vegas girl pregnant. Good thing he changed for the better, amirite?
Stassi then turned her attention towards Frank the Bartender. Smarmy Frank found himself bribing Stassi for a whopping $900, or he would release a very… revealing video of the former SURver. Thankfully Lisa Vanderpump paid him to go away. Then there was probably the biggest
twat mistake Stassi made, Patrick Meagher. This guy was a real winner, he wore his misogynist comments better than he wore his hair. After a painful relationship with multiple gaslighting sessions, Stassi finally saw the error of her ways. Patrick spoke down to Lisa on camera, and he disappeared shortly thereafter. Enter Beau Clark. Sweet, hipster Beau seemed to be the perfect man for Stassi. Her friends accept him, her mom REALLY likes him, and she fell madly in love. Now Stassi and Beau are joining the rest of the crew and officially adulting. Ready or not, another wedding is coming.
My guess is when you guys think about “true love”, no one from Vanderpump Rules comes to mind. Perhaps visions of Mike and Carol Brady fill your head or Princess Leia and Han Solo… But I’m definitely not picturing Tom Schwartz getting the verbal beat down from
owner wife, Katie Maloney. Visions of Tom Sandoval and glorified roommate Ariana Madix certainly don’t fit. Shall we talk about marriage-bound Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright? No, we better skip them too. Oh, hang on a second, we cannot forget Lala Kent and Randall Emmett. Those two are the epitome of what a REAL relationship looks like. I think we can all agree that Lala would 1,000% be with Rand if he weren’t rich and a Hollywood producer. Because Lala typically goes for men with 19 chins and children from previous relationships. #sorrynotsorry
So who will be next to put a ring on it and start heading down the aisle of permanent togetherness? Even though, Tom 1 and Tom 2 are historically the happiest couple on the show… The Toms do have an idea, but if you ask me it’s more the result of what cast members are left over. Ain’t nobody thinking someone will marry Kristen Doute, like ever. So Stassi, you’re up girlfriend.
Sound the alarms! In what appears to be a serious statement, Vanderpump Rules resident party planner (?), Stassi Schroeder, would like to have a baby. As in, a human child. Not to be confused with a man who has the maturity level of an infant, a real live bambino. Stassi has run the gamut of boyfriends since being on VPR. She’s gone from Jax Taylor, to that guy Frank, to quite literally the most irritating person of all time (no, not Katie Maloney), Patrick Meagher. Collectively, she probably has enough experience with immaturity to handle a small child. Last February, Stassi embarked on a new relationship with Beau Clark and the rest is history.
Beau seems like a decent enough chap, aside from his love of sleeveless t-shirts. Just because he’s a hipster and the last person a craft beer sees before it dies doesn’t mean he isn’t suitable Dad material. In fact, he seems rather harmless. One thing is for sure, if Stassi does have a child, it will have an endless supply of snark running through his or her veins.
This season of Vanderpump Rules is opening on some strange notes, like the freestyle rappings of James Kennedy, and the scent of death and sadness mixed with the sticky spills of rose, goat cheese, and Jax Taylor‘s attempts to impersonate how he thinks a decent man should behave (tampon shopping!)
Immediately it becomes apparent that this will be another season of everyone villainzing James while pretending Jax is a new man as they plan his wedding to Brittany Cartwright. Forgiving Jax and hating James are literally the only subjects this show has anymore. And James, like the little whack-a-mole he is, will come back for hit after hit, cause he’s the White Kanye Baby and hits is what they do!
Far less frivolous are Lisa Vanderpump and Lala Kent dealing with painful losses in their lives. Lala’s father passed away from a stroke 2 months earlier, and she has inherited his mantra to be kind. Even to sketchy people. (Lest their names be James.) Lisa is mourning the loss of her brother, her only sibling, who committed suicide 5 weeks before filming started. Wow – that’s so devastating.
Bravo is giving out Christmas and Hanukkah gifts early this year because TONIGHT is the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules Season 7. Bring on the pasta – which is what it’s all about, right? Anyway, before we dive into a new season of super dramas, let’s revisit all the chaos from last season.
Without a doubt the three (or maybe four or possibly even 5) biggest dramas from last season were: Jax Taylor cheating on Brittany Cartwright, James Kennedy and Lala Kent ending their friendship accord over pasta (and Though Who Shall Not Be Called Anything Less Than Perfect, Randall Emmett), and Tom 1 & Tom 2 finally growing up to become bar owners with the opening of Tom Tom. Of course in between all that there were accusations that James cheated on Raquel Leviss with both his BFF Logan Noh and possibly Kristen Doute. Then there was Stassi Schroeder finally revealing PATRICK to the world… We wish she’d kept that shit covered. And of course, Scheana Marie had her Super ROB, ROB, ROB, ROB… This is the song that never ends.
SO let’s dive in.