My guess is when you guys think about “true love”, no one from Vanderpump Rules comes to mind. Perhaps visions of Mike and Carol Brady fill your head or Princess Leia and Han Solo… But I’m definitely not picturing Tom Schwartz getting the verbal beat down from
owner wife, Katie Maloney. Visions of Tom Sandoval and glorified roommate Ariana Madix certainly don’t fit. Shall we talk about marriage-bound Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright? No, we better skip them too. Oh, hang on a second, we cannot forget Lala Kent and Randall Emmett. Those two are the epitome of what a REAL relationship looks like. I think we can all agree that Lala would 1,000% be with Rand if he weren’t rich and a Hollywood producer. Because Lala typically goes for men with 19 chins and children from previous relationships. #sorrynotsorry
So who will be next to put a ring on it and start heading down the aisle of permanent togetherness? Even though, Tom 1 and Tom 2 are historically the happiest couple on the show… The Toms do have an idea, but if you ask me it’s more the result of what cast members are left over. Ain’t nobody thinking someone will marry Kristen Doute, like ever. So Stassi, you’re up girlfriend.
Sound the alarms! In what appears to be a serious statement, Vanderpump Rules resident party planner (?), Stassi Schroeder, would like to have a baby. As in, a human child. Not to be confused with a man who has the maturity level of an infant, a real live bambino. Stassi has run the gamut of boyfriends since being on VPR. She’s gone from Jax Taylor, to that guy Frank, to quite literally the most irritating person of all time (no, not Katie Maloney), Patrick Meagher. Collectively, she probably has enough experience with immaturity to handle a small child. Last February, Stassi embarked on a new relationship with Beau Clark and the rest is history.
Beau seems like a decent enough chap, aside from his love of sleeveless t-shirts. Just because he’s a hipster and the last person a craft beer sees before it dies doesn’t mean he isn’t suitable Dad material. In fact, he seems rather harmless. One thing is for sure, if Stassi does have a child, it will have an endless supply of snark running through his or her veins.
This season of Vanderpump Rules is opening on some strange notes, like the freestyle rappings of James Kennedy, and the scent of death and sadness mixed with the sticky spills of rose, goat cheese, and Jax Taylor‘s attempts to impersonate how he thinks a decent man should behave (tampon shopping!)
Immediately it becomes apparent that this will be another season of everyone villainzing James while pretending Jax is a new man as they plan his wedding to Brittany Cartwright. Forgiving Jax and hating James are literally the only subjects this show has anymore. And James, like the little whack-a-mole he is, will come back for hit after hit, cause he’s the White Kanye Baby and hits is what they do!
Far less frivolous are Lisa Vanderpump and Lala Kent dealing with painful losses in their lives. Lala’s father passed away from a stroke 2 months earlier, and she has inherited his mantra to be kind. Even to sketchy people. (Lest their names be James.) Lisa is mourning the loss of her brother, her only sibling, who committed suicide 5 weeks before filming started. Wow – that’s so devastating.
Bravo is giving out Christmas and Hanukkah gifts early this year because TONIGHT is the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules Season 7. Bring on the pasta – which is what it’s all about, right? Anyway, before we dive into a new season of super dramas, let’s revisit all the chaos from last season.
Without a doubt the three (or maybe four or possibly even 5) biggest dramas from last season were: Jax Taylor cheating on Brittany Cartwright, James Kennedy and Lala Kent ending their friendship accord over pasta (and Though Who Shall Not Be Called Anything Less Than Perfect, Randall Emmett), and Tom 1 & Tom 2 finally growing up to become bar owners with the opening of Tom Tom. Of course in between all that there were accusations that James cheated on Raquel Leviss with both his BFF Logan Noh and possibly Kristen Doute. Then there was Stassi Schroeder finally revealing PATRICK to the world… We wish she’d kept that shit covered. And of course, Scheana Marie had her Super ROB, ROB, ROB, ROB… This is the song that never ends.
SO let’s dive in.
Even though the dynamics of the Vanderpump Rules cast are constantly changing, some things just never will. There will always be tension and shade thrown between Stassi Schroeder and Scheana Marie. Even if they do get along here and there, they have never truly been friends and it doesn’t seem like something that will ever happen.
Plus it’s really not sitting too well with Stassi that Scheana jumped on the podcast wagon and got her own show. In Scheana’s defense, almost every reality TV star has their own podcast. Nevertheless, when you are constantly annoyed by someone, it’s just too easy to add another grievance to the list.
As always, I think the Secrets Revealed episodes are better than most of what we’ve seen throughout season. And Vanderpump Rules was no exception!
Jax Taylor is totally having a pre-midlife crisis. He’s too old for a quarter-life crisis (let’s be honest, no one expects him to live to be 120 years old) and technically he’s too young for a mid-life crisis, so he’s in a 2/3 life crisis, which means having 400 birthday parties dedicated to doing things kids should do. Like the trampoline park where Tom 1 suggests they play dodgeball on teams of Jax plus all the women he’s slept with, vs. Tom and all the people Jax hasn’t slept with! Bouncing boobs of many incarnations (Jax being the biggest boob of all).
Actually, it was the season of Jax, and, it was totally too much Jax (his shenanigans have overstayed their welcome), but here we go again! At least for the last time.
Last night was the final episode in this endless season of Vanderpump Rules. I celebrated making it to the end with a Vanderpump Rules worthy fancy cocktail of my own creation.
Oftentimes while watching this show, I mentally compare it to The Wizard of Oz. I imagine all these aimless WeHo-ers, orange as oompah-loompas, wandering the LA scene asking The Wizard, Lisa Vanderpump, for some guidance, but even Lisa doesn’t know what to do with these half-humans and sometimes must simply order them to “shut up.”
So last night Lala Kent got a conscience, Jax Taylor pretended he got a heart, and Scheana Marie demonstrated that selling her soul to
Andy Cohen the reality TV satan granted her eternal selfishness. Congrats!
I know we’ve all referred to the stars of Vanderpump Rules as “Vanderpump Fools” but you know, if the condom fits! Happily some of these people have taken the tentative steps towards adulthood, however most of them are still mixing reiki with booze and wondering why their back hurts.
On part 2 of the reunion, Jax Taylor continued to be confused about, well, everything. Lala Kent defined feminism and her finances, and Katie Maloney cried about how amazing Tom Schwartz is. Regardless of how flawed it may be, it’s nice to finally see these two happy – especially considering how unhappy their wedding was!