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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was kinda boring, no? Alexis and Briana got surgery. Tamra discovered Simon is finally ready to let her be the free bitch she was meant to be – but she’s not sure she’s ready to live a life unfettered. Tamra and Vicki join Heather in LA where she is embarking upon a restaurant venture.

Things started out with Tamra paying a visit to her plastic surgeon, Dr. Ambae. Has anyone else noticed the Housewives always hug their doctors – who hugs their doctors? I’ve never hugged any of mine, but I guess if I were as reliant on my plastic surgeons as they are, it may be a different story. OR if my doctor was Paul, because I love him.

Anyway, Tamra wants to get her breasts reduced. Now that she is no longer beholden to Simon and his ideals about her body, she wants a smaller, less cumbersome rack. We get a close-up montage of Tamra’s old DDs and frankly, who wants to see a close up of wrinkled, spray-tanned cleavage? Dr. Ambae examines Tamra’s boobs and determines she has a lot of natural breast tissue so she can likely get the reduction done without adding smaller implants to fill things out. Tamra explains that those babies never stop growing! Third boobs, third marriage!

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Good lord, this episode was filled with gross images wasn’t it? Next, we get to Alexis on the operating table getting her nose job/sinus surgery. Alexis is still hurt her nemesis thinks she is doing this as purely elective surgery. Dr. Niccole pulls out a ten-foot long mucus plug, just in case there were lingering doubts that Alexis has sinus issues; then he breaks her nose. Frankly, I couldn’t really watch because medical stuff makes me ill. This report comes from my husband who was my eyes for this segment!

Afterwards, Alexis has some ice filled latex gloves on her face and Jim comes to help her home. He’s actually very sweet; nursing her in their bed and feeding her soup. I loved Lex’s permanent lipliner. Alexis reminds us that Jim is her king and he treats her accordingly as his queen. Which is nice, but in exchange she has to put up with Jim and do all his hard-boiled egg making. Jim replaces the peas Alexis has resting on her nose and they discuss how to tell the kids that mommy has turned into a momster with dinner on her face. Maybe they won’ t notice!

Vicki meets Michael at the hospital where Briana is recuperating after surgery. Apparently, the doctor said it was the worst thyroid he has ever seen with too many nodules to count. Yikes! He prepares them for the worst, that it may be cancer given the sheer mass. There was a tumor on Briana’s vocal chords. Good lord – that’s horrible! Vicki is a mess, but really she has every right to be in this instance. I would be hysterical.

At Heather‘s house, she is “cooking” dinner, aka unwrapping take-out boxes because Heather doesn’t really cook; she reheats. Heather reminds us that she used to be an actress, but now she has four children under seven and is going to open a restaurant with her girlfriends, because she needs something to do part-time. She claims it’s because there are no good restaurants in the OC, but we all know she’s bored and Terry is willing to placate her. Apparently, he doesn’t care about losing a million dollars!

Heather admits that being a mother is harder than working. Can we just talk about how adorable Colette is?! Her little chubby baby legs in a onesie! Awwww!!! Apparently, Heather will be successful as a restaurateur because she cooks “great reservations.” hehe

Gretchen and Slave are paying a visit to the Pussycat Dolls, a “world renown dance troupe” Gretchen will be performing with them. Gretchen is understandably worried that she’s not up to snuff since she can’t really sing and she hasn’t danced since high school. Luckily, she at least has great legs and is in shape – oh, and she has “stage presence,” according to Slave. Oh my…

Gretchen gets off on the wrong foot by having the audacity and hubris to rock a “Team Slade” shirt. Why would you wear that in public? quel embarrassant!

They watch the girls perform and poor Gretch is practically pooping her pants with worry that she won’t be able to pick up the performance in time. Gretchen doesn’t want to start practicing too soon because she has strained her vocal chords yelling at Vicki. HA! She’s going to make it work though, because she was born to perform. Good lord. Please retire her.

Heather decides to reach out to her new friend Tamra and invite her to take a helicopter ride to LA to scope out restaurant venues or something. Also invited, is Vicki. Sheesh – a helicopter. What is this, The Bachelor? Tamra is shocked to be invited into Fancy Pants world. Um… be wary of mixing oil and water, Heather! The only reason to invite Vicki and Tamra is to get Bravo to film it for publicity for your upcoming venture.

Briana comes home from the hospital with Vicki by her side. Vicki nags Briana until she would say yes to anything. The CIA should adopt Vicki as a terrorist interrogator. I cannot imagine anything worse than her hovering over you while you were sick asking you a million questions and organizing. She is hurt Briana wanted to recover at her own apartment instead of at home, but do you blame her?! Just leave the protein drink and tell Briana to call you when she wakes up! Although, of course, Vicki adores her daughter and is totally concerned for her well-being, she is a little over the top.

Tamra, Heather, and Vicki meet at the heliport. Everyone looks pretty and the Tamicki have made an attempt to class it up and ditch their tacky veneer. They all board the helicopter and fall in love. Vicki is already plotting how much she needs to work, work, work to afford one of these babies. A private jet is so last year!

They meet Heather‘s two good girlfriends (whom I really can’t tell apart) whom will also be her business partners in the restaurant venture. Tamra is way out of her element and you can tell is nervous and feels awkward. It was kinda sweet. Heather’s friend tells the story of how her kids think everyone flies by private chopper. I’m with Tamra – shut the EFF up. Heather will be going into business with six friends and no written agreement. Um… really? I find it hard to believe that their successful husbands would let that happen!

Alexis checks in with Dr. Niccole, looking like Michael Jackson. Who is styling her extensions while she recovers? Alexis admits she is hurt that Gretchen hasn’t visited her post surgery and hasn’t checked in. She believes prior to the Tamra-invasion (Tamvasion?), Gretchen would have been by her side night and day! Dr. Niccole discusses the results of the nose job and claims it won’t look like she had a nose job – which is a relief to newscaster Alexis. Her viewers depend on her and she can’t drastically alter her looks!

Vicki has been invited to attend Heather‘s restaurant scope-out for her business savvy, and true to form, she instantly starts advising and bossing. She calls it correctly that friends and business don’t mix and she suggests that these close and normal friends back away from the insanity and go do more philanthropy instead. Interesting as Tamra and Vicki are now in business together. So either they are no longer friends or Vicki had a change of heart! Heather and her friends do seem genuine and they genuinely believe their friendship won’t suffer if their business experiences problems.

They visit a friend of Heather‘s at his restaurant and really, this is so dumb. They seem to have no real clue what they’re doing, and Vicki is right, they are bored housewives looking for an escape from reality. They have no business plan or no idea? This has got to be a fabricated storyline to give Heather some interest. I mean, have these people ever even eaten in a restaurant? If they want a new fancy accessory – buy a new Chanel bag!

Over lunch, Vicki continues her crusade to warn Heather et al against the evils of entrepreneurship. While, Heather and friends feel it will be very glamorous to have their own establishment they are clearly clueless about the amount of work required! Heather is a little put out by Vicki’s negativity (or realism depending on how you look at it). Vicki should have kept her comments to herself a little more and just enjoyed her free and fabulous lunch.

Vicki perks up when Brooks calls and immediately rushes from the table to coo at him. Gross. She warns him that his lady’s tank is running dry and he best hurry back to fill it. Good thing she left the table or some glamorous ladies may have lost their lunches! Tamra comments that Vicki is obsessed with Brooks and is at his beck and call.

Tamra explains Vicki is under a lot of pressure with the divorce and Briana‘s health problems and everyone is empathetic, since they are real people with normal reactions. It’s interesting to see Tamra acting so subdued and classy. Let’s keep up the good work Trashy Sue, and then I can stop calling you Trashy Sue! She claims her change of demeanor is a result of being around genuine, honest, women who don’t backstab! Imagine that! The normal Tamra peeks out a bit when she makes a comment about sex.

On the break, Gretchen lights her cheap extensions and fried hair on fire on a Halloween candle while sitting on her counter. Ok, that was funny. No real follicles were damaged in the taping of this episode.

When Vicki returns to the table she is in a totally different, ebullient mood, and suddenly everything is roses. Vicki and Tamra depart from the group and hop into a limo to be whisked away to the helicopter port. In the car, the girls talk the difference between the Housewives and a real group of friends. The ladies cannot get over how normal people treat each other – apparently they’ve been in the reality TV bubble too long.

That turns into a discussion about Slave and Gretchen. Vicki is still in shock over the fight and has found that Briana‘s health issues have given her a new perspective, so she will not be engaging in petty nonsense anymore. Well, we know that new philosophy didn’t stick!

Tamra discovers Simon has finally signed the divorce papers and she will be signing hers the following week. Tamra is suddenly shell-shocked that she will be divorced. She reflects on her marriage and the journey she took with Simon. It was a long fifteen-years; a mere three of them played out on television with lavish parties and ridiculous fabricated drama.

Tamra admits she is a little sad to walk away because she feels like a failure as a mother for getting a divorce. Poor Tammy Sue. Luckily she has Eddie now!

Next Week: Alexis threatens to call Tamra and her nose job is revealed. The ladies mud wrestle and do some kind of crazy relay, Tamra signs her divorce papers, and Briana gets the results of her biopsy.

THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE? IS HEATHER’S RESTAURANT VENTURE LEGIT OR A STORYLINE?

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