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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County the ladies got to mudslinging, only this time it involved actual mud for a change! In other news, Tamra Barney is officially divorced and Vicki Gunvalson is officially the most insecure fifty-year-old I’ve ever encountered. Oh, and Alexis Bellino revealed her new nose, which we’ve already seen 10,000 times before, so that was no big whoo-hoo.

Things start out with the Queen of the OC and resident class act, Heather Dubrow taking her husband shopping. Apparently, this is What Not To Wear, the Dr. Dubrow edition. Sadly, Stacy London and Clinton Kelly did not appear with a bevy of secret footage and a red trash can. Hopefully they’re saving that for Vicki, but I digress.

Terry does need a make-over and hopefully David Austin, world’s greatest clothier in all the world will help him – for a cool $50k. “You’re gonna look mmmaaaavalous!;” Heather purs; prying Terry’s wallet from his shaking hands with a malicious glint in her eye. Terry will no longer embarrass his perfect wife at cocktail parties with his outmoded and pedestrian appearance. Oh no – there is a new Terry in town and this one has both black and white tie attire!

I must admit – it’s nice to see some old-school traditional HW action of spending ostentatious amounts of money and actually being able afford it. We hope… . If they declare bankruptcy next year, we’ll know they’ve been struck by the Teresa Giudice curse!

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Moving on, Tamra and Eddie Judge hit the gym. Apparently working out connects them as a couple. I use the term “working out” loosely, as I prefer to call this particular form of gym going “molestercizing”.  Tamra and Eddie spend the entire segment making sexual comments to each other. Ok, well, Tamra spent the entire segment making sexual comments. She even announced that Eddie‘s hamstring flexibility could quite possibly result in a new career (see Real Housewives of Atlanta; ReDICKulous). Tamra – get a toilet brush for that potty mouth!

Tamra informs Eddie, while lifting some weights and tugging at her top to cover-up her cleavage (yes, you read that correctly) that she had scheduled her boob reduction and would not be able to exercise–in the bedroom or otherwise–for a few days. Tamra also reveals she’s opening a fitness center, because she’s just, like, always wanted to own her own business! It shouldn’t be that hard, right?! Bravo Home Shopping Network strikes again!

The most important thing about last night’s episode was Briana Wolfsmith‘s announcement that she is cancer free! Briana had 35 tumors in her neck and thyroid, but miraculously she is completely cancer free!

Oh dear, let’s see, what happened next… Heather finally invited a Housewife over to her palace on the cliffs. Strangely, she started with Tamra. They have a work-out session, which is really more of a let’s all gawk over Heather’s home and do a filler scene so Tamra can talk about the Mud Run she’s convinced us to participate in. Is there a reason why these women always where full make-up to exercise? Remember that scene from Gretchen‘s first season when she’s sitting in the pilates studio doing pilates with prom hair and 16lbs of foundation and lipgloss?

Tamra and Vicki are cleaning out their closets for charity. Donn‘s clothes are still in his half of the closet. Vicki reveals that at fifty this is the first time she’s ever been alone and she hates it. Brooks Ayers‘ schedule is chaotic but when he is in town they really try to make time for each other and that involves 3, 4, sometimes 86 affirmation cards per day. Tamra is like, ‘say what? That’s a lotta trees being killed, brother.’

Tamra, being a good friend, questions Brooks‘ sincerity and wonders if he’s just appeasing Vicki. Oh, don’t we all! The ladies talk divorce; Tamra reveals that Simon is finally done signing the papers – after two years – and she will be signing her’s at the end of the week. Vicki wonders how it’s possible that he’s delayed the process so long, cause isn’t formulation, errrr… fontera, errrr… ummm… fornication illegal? Fornication, huh? Well, sometimes extra-marital versions of that cause divorce, but I don’t know if has anything to do with timely completion of divorce papers.

Moving along, Gretchen Rossi visits Princes Sinus Surgery in her home. Alexis‘ newest home (what is this, no. 4?) is even more over the top than the last. Alexis is propped up in her bed wearing a full-on surgeon’s mask and really, it’s the best she’s ever looked! Alexis teases that she is surprised Gretchen didn’t come in wearing a clown nose – which ironically (and aptly) Gretchen considered, but she didn’t want to make her still-in-recovery friend laugh. Alexis shows off her photos of all the little friends she had swimming in her nose. Ick.

The two talk Tamra. Lex wants to sit-down and have a face-to-face with Tamra when 3/4 of her face isn’t hidden by band-aids and bruises. Poor Lex is also hurt that Gretch hasn’t been nursing her back to health and has instead been busy with the enemy. Lex feels her friendship with Gretch is falling apart. Oh, the drama! BTW: Can I please have Gretchen’s cape? Maybe she’ll list it in one of those Ebay closet auctions and I can buy it – although it’s probably covered with Gretchen Christine Boo-taay residue and spray tan.

It’s the day of the Del Mar Mud Run for charity. Fancy Pants, aka Heather, is joining Tamra and Eddie in their customized t-shirts. Fancy Pants takes one for the team, cause she’s a joiner! Gretchen and Slave Smiley show up and they’ve made their own shirts with some fabric markers or something. Good for Slave for saving that money he doesn’t have!

I love that Team Cougar is going balls out, whole hog; diving into the mud and really embracing the spirit of the event! I mean, unlike our friends the Real Housewives of New Jersey who couldn’t even complete a 3k! It’s kinda giving me a whole new respect for Tamra. BTW: I love Tamra and I can’ t help myself. #hangsheadinshame

Suddenly mud wrestling goes wrong and Gretchen is injured. She thinks she’s sprained her ankle! How is she ever going to be a famous dancer in a world-renown dance troupe!? Oh no! Why did helping people have to ruin everything!? Gretchen bows out of the race and Slave carries her to the medic tent.

And moving on to other over-dramatic health issues; Alexis is getting the bandage removed from her nose. Good lord, Alexis, grow the eFF up. After 45 minutes of whining we finally see Alexis’ same old nose!

This new nose is really going to elevate her newscasting career to the next level. That bump was totally interfering with her success!  Alexis‘ nose does look lovely and she can breathe a sigh of relief that she actually looks better instead of worse! See what I did there… breathe a sigh of relief, cause she can also breathe well for the very first time.

Tamra is kicking ass in the Mud Run and reveals that she’s always been a tomboy. In fact, she’s really just a boy with a vagina! Hmmm…  Apparently she was really into track and field in high school, but she never worked out when she was with Simon. Eddie has inspired her to be a whole new dick with chick!

Jumping through the ditches, Eddie sustains an injury and may have broken his finger. Dr. Dubrow does an in-the-trenches injury exam and repair! Dang Dr. Terry. Also providing in-trenches healthcare, is Slave, who’s carrying Gretch across the finish line after the medics have wrapped her ankle. I thought she said Slave didn’t work for her? She’s still freaking out about this Pussycat Dolls appearance – I mean it’s, like, the most important thing ever!

Next the crew does some rope balancing thing over a mud pit. Tamra goes first and handles it no problem. Heather is surprisingly hard-core. She wants us to know she is no prissy pussy princess – she’s been changing diapers for eight years. And mud has nothing on baby poop. That I can agree with.

After the race, the ladies clean up. Heather is not about to use a public shower. Dr. Terry grabs a hose and sprays his lady and Tamra. Tamra decides it’s totally appropriate to sexually harass a friend’s husband by squirting the hose down her pants and shirt while bending over in front of him. This is like spring break for the aged, desperate to recapture their youth, and tacky; aka Trashy Sue. Seriously – ew.

Then the intrepid racers grab lunch. Heather and Terry look as if no such Mud Run ever occurred, save for the remaining speck of dirt in her hair. Heather can chock the whole experience up to a very extensive spa treatment. Slave is taking his slave role to a whole new level by carrying Gretchen everywhere.

Slave and Eddie bond over bike riding, which Slave likens to church. They do a little competitive injury sharing. Slave begins bragging about his bike accomplishments of yore when he was once a semi-professional cyclist. Everyone has a look on their face like, ‘shut up’, except Gretchen who adoringly looks on. Tamra points out that Slave is always talking about his past instead of focusing on the future and she has no idea what Gretchen sees in him. Tamra is smarter than people think if you really get down to it and she is always dead-on in her assessments of her castmates. Ok, well usually she is, anyway.

Vicki and Brooks have a date night. Vicki’s dress is hella short and totally cougar desperado. What the heck is she thinking?

She tells us Brooks is an entrepreneur and he can work both a phone AND a computer! #amazingaccomplisments Brooks sees Vicki as an investment and he’s never been happier or more secure or more content or more or more or more and he loves her. He also loves affirming her; which she laps up like it’s corona and she’s in Woo-hoo mode! I hope he is sincere!

Oh and here it comes – the love tank talk! It’s not empty so get over it! Vicki talks about divorce and difficult the process has been. Now she needs Brooks to convince her deceased father that he’s worthy? Look – a new boyfriend isn’t going to fix your issues. SEEK HELP! Both in the wardrobe and the emotional departments. Brooks tries to convince Vicki that he’s really, truly into her and he just wants a kiss. She is fussing and freaking out about not liking PDA’s and just kiss the man already! We’ve already had bathtub humping, we can handle it!

And speaking of divorce, Tammie Sue is finally signing the papers! She’s officially a free bitch now! Once Tamra gets to the lawyer’s office she starts to cry about regret and disappointment. The good times Tamra and Simon shared are replayed for our viewing pleasure and they all involve gifts and tacky-ass tattoos. Tamra just doesn’t understand where it all went wrong. I can tell you – reality television!

In the end Tamra handles things with complete class, declining alimony, and deciding to only rely on Simon to be a good father to their children. Instead of being happy she is traumatized. Vicki supports her afterwards and reminds her that everything will fine. Well, hopefully marriage number three will work out!

BTW: I was going to call this recap “Dirty Bitches,” but then I thought that was a little too Tamra for my taste! LOL

Next Week: Alexis screws up on the news again and Jim Bellino rears his ugly head. And speaking of ugly, Gretchen tries to sing. Unsuccessfully. Tamra goes under the knife and Vicki gets attacked by Sarah.

THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE? IS BROOKS TRYING TOO HARD? WAS TAMRA OVER-REACTING ABOUT THE DIVORCE? WERE YOU SURPRISED HEATHER GOT MUDDY?

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