Well that was certainly shocking wasn’t it? Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County had it all. There were princesses, and puppies, and inappropriately placed speeches, and engagement rings, and diarrhea, and luxury bathrooms where champagne happened but diarrhea did not, and trains, and surgery, and there was also that fight where Briana Culberson called Vicki Gunvalson out on having an emotional affair. Yeah – so how ’bout that bombshell? Whew… I’m still speechless!
So where do we begin with these fine orange specimens of botoxed, bleached glory? Oh, yes we start at the Barbie-ests of them all’s house – Princess Alexis von Nosenjob Boobersmidts Tannorexia of Rent-a-mcmansions (aka Alexis Bellino) She’s a stunning example of a queenly and dignified life. Princess Von Boobersmidts is on the precipice of the entertainment event of the year. The grand gala of puppies and princesses. A ball where all the fairest, and grandest, and “wealthiest” come from miles around. Descending down the steps of their giant SUVs covered in glitter and filled with fillers. Oh, it’s an event to say the least.
Yes, Alexis is throwing a princess puppy party for her four-year-old twin daughters Melania and McKenna. Alexis has assistants and party planners and movers shuffling around giant ornate over-stuffed hideous rent-a-couches in order to make room for the bevvy of puppies that will be dropped onto the scene the next morning. In the middle of all of this our very busy princess takes a break for a statelyevening ritual… spray tanning. She’s so busy, but a lady is nothing without her orange glow.
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Moving on to other classy endeavors Slave Slimey, our illustrious Prince Charming of the down and out divorced desperados; a man so skilled in cougar hunting he’s decided to make it a career has finally decided to settle down. He’s found a woman who will have him; who will have his babies and
will allow him to live with her rent-free.
Slave is shopping for engagement rings for Gretchen Rossi, the fairest of them all. Well, she does have the blondest dye job- does that make her the fairest by default? Slave wants to propose to his ladylove and though he knows he cannot technically afford it he wants her to know he is very serious about their relationship and she should know that. It’s a sweet sentiment. Heather Dubrow has come along to assist with the proceedings. Her Excellency of Diamonds is very knowledgeable in the art of bling. One thing she is NOT knowledgeable about is the artifice of bling. As in fakes. Which is all Slaves got – fake and more fakery.
Heather is the fairy godmother of this fake kingdom, and her castle which sits atop a hill overlooking the sea, is constructed of diamonds, marble, and gilded air. She arrives all twinkling laugh and sparkling eyes, hiding a smile that is gayly devilish. ‘Oh, Slave,’ she says, waving her delicate wrist, ‘You must have an exquisite diamond – nothing less than 3 carats. You must have it paved in diamonds all the way around.’
“When you’re waving it needs to bling,” she simpers, smiling mischievously. Poor old Slade is pondering what to do? ‘Oh, I know,’ he thinks ‘I’ll say Gretchen‘s been dying for canary diamond just like the one I gave my ex-fiance Jo De La Rosa!’
Slade inquires about the price of said canary diamond and when he learns he cannot even afford 1/1000 of it suggests a ring with a fake stone as a placeholder. Heather simply melts right there on the floor. She disintegrates into ash until nothing is left but a lone Chanel earring. Poor Slave – Cartier tastes on a QVC budget.
Moving on, Tamra Barney is a woman with love lost. A former princess who lost her castle and now is relegated to the bouncy castle rental in the lower class subdivision. She is cursed. All that lingers of her formal marriage is a lone tattoo, intwined around her ring finger with the cursed name, “Simon.” Simon must be excised from her life if her curse is to be lifted. And she wants happily ever after. A beautiful home, her sweet children all surrounding her, and her handsome knight – Sir Eddie of Laguna.
Tamra pays a visit to the sorcerer Dr. Dubrow. He will work his magic and remove this cursed name. She’s tried everything; she’s scrubbed, she’s lasered, she’s peeled, but Simon is resilient and will not budge. Dr. Dubrow tells her to relax, sit back, listen to his lulling words, but don’t look into his eyes. Tamra is so nervous she rushes from the room where she has a fit of nervous diarrhea. Which is NOT a good storyline.
After she regains control, she gently extends her hand, and closes her eyes. When Dr. Dubrow tells her it’s done, all that remains is simple white bandage symbolizing her purity. She has been cured – her curse is lifted and her squalid shanty of beige and taupe will become a castle again.
Speaking of castles, over at Princess Alexis‘ the puppy princess party will commence. The children have been bathed in make-up – there is never enough – and stuffed into sparkly tulle. Alexis wants more and more and more! More bling, more vanity, more spackle! Who’s the fairest one of all she demands of the mirror? Who has the largest boobs and the biggest hair and the most rented homes?
Side note: why was Alexis demanding her children put on more and more make-up. I’m convinced we were sparred the segment where she forced them into the spray tan cave.
While Alexis is a princess cursed with vanity, she is a kind a woman who was sadly tricked. For she married Jim Bellino, the frog that won’t turn into the prince no matter how much he’s kissed.
Pushing aside the negative memories of innocence lost, Alexis gingerly places her tiny crown of rhinestones atop her massive mane, and glides into the entry way on her rented marble floors. The puppies await her and her guests beckon her. Alexis knows the puppy princess party is a great fete – proof of her accomplishments. It is lavish and stunning. Prince Jim-Frog escorts his daughters down the winding stairs wearing his best rent-a-tux and all is well with the world.
Sadly, poor Makenzie Madeline Mckenna Madagascar Macarena – whatever their names are – ain’t got nothing on Kennedy Caroline Armstrong. Some decorated folding tables and some puppy pens? Whatever – KCA had a whole mother effing ranch! But at least Alexis‘ daughters seem to be having fun.
Princess Alexis has invited some of her fellow down and out princess to join the festivities. Most of them have pawned their jewels but they can still wear their knockoff crowns and their few remaining gowns. Careful not to upstage their lavish and magnificent polyester ballgowns, Alexis has worn her shortest and most diminished frock.
The children romp with puppies, they play with make-up, they eat cake and the adults languish upon the hideous baroque sofas, left overs from an uglier time. Princess Alexis makes her speech. It was a harrowing experience to welcome these two little girls into the world. She nearly died. A medicine man saved her, waking her from the dead with a kiss. A kiss that still lingers on her be-glossed and injected lips. Where is the owner of said kiss – she would do anything to trade her frog for his love. But alas, she is happy. She has her many careers and her wonderful children – and she is blessed. Sadly she pines for another tiny baby, which Jim cannot provide her.
In a castle across town, much greater, grander, and actually mortgaged (if not owned outright), Heather welcomes Gretchen. The fairy godmother must warn her that things are not what they seem. All that glitters is not a diamond, sometimes it is cubic zirconium. Gretchen was once a promising young maid, renowned for her beauty (and her dancing skills), but alas she allowed herself to be confused. She was swept away by a swindler who promised her the world but gave her only Orange County.
She fled her first swindler, only to meet a knight who loved and cherished her. This one bestowed upon her a sparkling ring, a pink Harley, and a a reality show; but alas her knight was lost in battle. Gretchen, heart-broken, thinking of what could be, retired to her little hovel to wait. In her spare time she turned to crafts and developed handbags. She also turned to her mirror, who told her she was more and more beautiful the more goop she smeared across her face. And now she is the color of old pennies.
Today Gretchen still resides in her hovel, but she has found a man to share it with. He is neither a prince, nor a knight, but it seems he may be another swindler. The Fairy Godmother whisks her upstairs to her magic chamber where everything is soft and luxe. In this room there is a throne which only Heather‘s behind touches. Dr. Dubrow has his own thrown.
Heather shares the secret to a happy marriage is a separate place to poop. Gretchen remembers a time when she was married and how she couldn’t afford a separate throne and how little has changed. Poor Gretchen reflects on life. She is now 34, she wants children in the next year, but Slave‘s finances are still a mess. If she keeps her ring finger bare she can avoid entangling herself in his mess. She is not ready to lose again, but she loves him so dearly.
Fairy Godmother Heather encourages her to be brave. To confront her Slave, to let him know how she is feeling, to express her fears. She then soothes her with a special drink made of magic and bubbles, which chases all your fears and sadness away for a while. Just a little break from the sad, bleak world of impending spinsterhood. Gretchen looks around at the posh bathroom, at Heather’s glorious robe and she wonders: When did all go so wrong?
Meanwhile Tamra has a surprise for Sir Eddie. It’s a frankenfinger. In their travels, they stop to rest their weary bones at a train station. It is too loud to hear, but they have decided to let the past be the past and move forward together. She may be old, and un-exotic, but she has love in her heart and posses a fame of reality TV proportions. She unveils her surprise – her curse is lifted and all that remains is the nasty, angry scars of the past. Some fairy tales have a happy ending.
Some do not…
Queen Vicki has come to meet her daughter. Briana, the poor princess trapped in a tower for so long has escaped. Her prince charming rescued her and they ran away together. But Vicki cannot accept that happiness. Oh, no… happiness is not enough. She must approve and host a lavish ceremony to announce that happiness.
The ladies sit down to a glass of wine, and while they appear civil, they are circling each other like snakes in the grass – each one waiting to strike. Queen Vicki is mad but Princess Briana is madder. Vicki wants to know how Briana could rob the kingdom of their chance to see her vows and Briana wants to know how the queen could so callously cast aside the king. A war of words commences. Briana will not back down. Many years she has succumbed to the queen’s demands, but these are different days. She has power now – she is married – and there is power in both freedom and love.
Queen Vicki also has power. She is furious and she is twice spurned. Her tanks are full – and she will protect her tanks at all cost necessary. Briana knows Vicki is under a spell. She knows everything about Brooks, a conman selling snake oil who must even borrow a steed. Briana knows the truth and she will expose him.
Vicki has been fooled and Brooks is an opportunist, gold-digger looking for his sugar mama. Briana has been working as a laundress since fleeing the kingdom – a dirty laundress, that is. And she has dirt on her mama!
Briana and Vicki draw their metaphorical swords, neither woman will back down. ‘I know,’ Briana seethes, ‘I know you had an emotional affair!;’ she reveals to an aghast Vicki who nearly chokes on her chardonnay.
Yes – time to snap out of fairy tale land. So Briana pretty much announced on national TV that her mom had an emotional affair with Brooks before calling it quits with Donn. So it seems Vicki filed for divorce once Brooks was in the picture. Briana called Brooks out on being an opportunist. She basically said she will not accept Brooks and Vicki must choose. It was a nasty fight and shocking. Vicki said she was happy for the first time in her life, and Briana called BS.
Vicki eventually left and said they would continue the discussion off camera. Really, Bravo is taking it to extremes these days – family drama at it’s pulp.
THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE? PRINCESS AND PUPPY PARTY – YEA OR NEA? WAS BRIANA OUT OF LINE FOR EXPOSING VICKI’S DIRTY LAUNDRY?