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Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County was a case of hypocrite vs. hypocrite as everyone seemed to gang up on Alexis Bellino. Is there anything more ironic in the world than five women comprised entirely of silicon inserts, plastic, spray tan, polyester hair weaves, and injectibles accusing one another of being materialistic and phony? I mean, really… wow… did I just watch that? It was the most… odd argument I’ve ever seen on TV.

There was just SO much crazy going on. 3/4 of these ladies need to hightail it to the psychiatrist’s office for a nice long visit. I hear Dr. Amador is available since Bethenny Ever After is over – maybe he can relocate. Here are my observations:

1) Gretchen Rossi is a bad friend. Yeah, Alexis is a fake, full of it, and completely dumb but she’s not a mean person. For the past two seasons Gretchen has acted like Lex was her BFFL and now quick as instant oatmeal she’s ditched her and joined the mean girl squad. So, yeah, she’s a totally authentic person.

2) Vicki Gunvalson needs help. I honestly think Vicki is hopelessly socially inept and she covers that up by talking fast, saying crazy crap, and bragging. Kinda… like… Alexis, now that I think about it. Vicki seemed uncomfortable on the trip, angry with Tamra Barney, and really stressed about all her personal drama. Instead of being a normal adult and discussing it with her friends she started acting all goofball and hitting the sauce. Seriously – the singing though. Gretchen was right… “hell.”

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3) Tamra needs to check herself. Claro que si there’s such thing as “being honest.” And I think Trashy Sue can be funny as hell, but she goes too far. She takes it one notch past the fun and right on into the vitriolic territory. Throwing your friend’s husband under the bus to prove a point is low. And gleefully plotting to attack Alexis is lower.

Tamra has good points, but her delivery is abhorable and she needs to stop making it so nasty and personal. Say your piece in a civilized manner, be gracious, and don’t always try to have the last word. Also, stop with ‘Gretchen is my bestie!’ nonsense. No body believes you! And stop completely abandoning Vicki when she’s obviously in desperate need of a friend – which is what she considers you.

4) Heather Dubrow… Heather, Heather, Heather. Far too classy and cultivated for this show. I think she really tried with Alexis. She was being civil and direct. I think she meant well, but the Nordstroms thing was a bit ridiculous. She was doing a good job of trying to have a discussion with Alexis and not attack her, but you know it was not the right place or time. She needs to break free from Tamra and Gretchen before she loses all credibility.

5) Alexis. Oh Alexis. Oh girlie, that was sad and I feel for you. Yeah, you’re materialistic and you brag about money you don’t have to feel better about yourself, but still – that was harsh. Still, I gotta talk about the “white elephant.” So isn’t that a Christmas party game where everyone brings some crap they don’t want and try to pawn it off as a funny joke? Seems fitting.

OK, so there was a big ol’ white elephant in the room…and that white elephant was Alexis, herself.

Things begin with Tamra and Heather grabbing dinner with their menfolk to talk about Alexis. Tamra drops the bomb that she accidentally on purpose threw Terry under the bus because she needed a credible arbiter of fakeness and a plastic surgeon certainly fits the bill. Heather is pissed. She hasn’t caught onto the high school operating principals of Real Housewives. In the real world one doesn’t engage in public screaming fights or willingly disparage their friends in the hopes of securing screentime. #RealityTVRules.

Heather decides this will be the time to make lemons out of lemonade – or cleavage out of saggy boobs if you will. She suggests they speak to Alexis in Costa Mexico and stage an intervention of sorts just to explain that Alexis should really work on being a little more authentic. You know, like she, herself, is. Tamra is totally and gleefully on board because in her mind an intervention means ganging up on Alexis and telling her how much she sucks – over drinks of course, to soften the blow.

It was sounding like a good vacation: Sun, beautiful water, drinks… then Tamra mentioned drama and I was really glad I was left off the guest list. So an adventurvention it will be.

Everyone is packing – and it seems like packing is taking longer than the actual trip itself. We get several scenes of several different closets and the ladies discussing what to bring. Alexis reveals she’ll only be attending the trip for two days – the fun two days cause those are the ones she’ll be there. She admits she’s not thrilled about going on vay-cay with Tamra, but she gets paid to do it and she’s going to make the best of it.

Meanwhile in a not so optimistic house across town, Gretchen is having a whiny baby fit in her closet while packing because Slave is counseling her on what to pack. Side Note: Holy lord, Gretchen has a LOT of products. Too bad none of them can help with tantrum-y obnoxious behavior.

Anyway, Gretchen keeps yelling at Slave for trying to help until he gets sick of it. She blames therapy for her bad mood. I blame the totally hideous decor in her bedroom/bath.  It’s like she’s raided the Home Goods clearance rack and dumped it all in her house – so many tacky knickknacks. I’d be in a bad mood if I lived there.

The ladies meet at the airport at 4am. And they’re already dressed to the nines and in full make-up. Right. Alexis arrives first, followed by Heather. They both stand there like it’s an awkward first date and neither one wants to mention that Match.com failed them. Tamra and Gretchen convene in the corner and immediately start dishing on Lex. Gretchen claims she wants to stay out of it. And by stay out of it, she means stay away from Alexis and buddy up to Tamra.

They’re picking Vicki up in Miami where she is working, then proceeding to Costa Mexico from there. It doesn’t matter that Florida is hours out of the way and doubles the travel time. Words not to live by: “Whatever Vicki says goes.” OK, I just had a vision of the apocalypse right there.

Everyone arrives in Costa Mexico and things are going well for about 6 minutes. Two sips into their first poolside drink, everyone starts going for Lex‘s jugular after she discloses that she’s wearing yet another fake ring. We know have many fake rings Lex has, but the big question is how many REAL ones does she own?

Really – what is the deal with the fake rings? You’re not supposed to wear bling of any kind in the jungle… that includes cubic zirconium purchased from the Elizabeth Taylor for QVC collection. Anyway, then some tit for tat starts over why she is leaving early. Instead of Alexis telling the truth which is, ‘I kinda hate all y’all bitches and would rather be attacked by an anaconda then spend three more days trapped in the jungle with your conniving ways,’ she blames Jim.

Which rankles Heather. See, her husband is perfect. He can save the world, build a monogrammed closet, install fake cheekbones, and babysit four kids all without wrinkling his shirt or spilling his coffee! But, Jim… alas Jimblobchimplant can’t even peel his own hard boiled eggs. It’s a hard knocks life!

Things start really going awry once they get to the zip line site. The guide warns them if they touch the harness there will be big trouble, little Costa Mexico. Then he proceeds to feel up Alexis under the pretense of braiding her hair. Leave it to the broads of RHOC to find a glamsquad to the jungle. Alexis is playing the whole damsel in distress act for attention. She claims shes worried about her nose job. Heather, Tamra, and Gretchen are griping about her and calling her desperate for attention.

Then Vicki starts with her antics. So, let’s talk about Vicki. What is wrong with her? She claims her chipper demeanor is a result of her love tank finally being full. I agree with Tamra that she is trying to cover up her impending nervous breakdown by acting happy as a clam. Vacations with bravo are no place to start to unravel, but it seems they’ll do that to a woman. Sadly, Vicki was getting a little KKB scary island style.

After filling the canteen with booze during breakfast – seriously they sacrificed water for wine in the jungle – a tipsy Vicki starts insisting they play the alphabet game in the car on the way to the zip line outpost. She starts off with “anus” then tells us when she plays with her kids she uses dildo or dick and says they love it! What?! Parenting advice by Vicki.

Yeah, so the unraveling of the great Vicki G… somewhere in the jungle she really starts to loser her marbles. Too much jungle juice? She starts rambling about her high school boyfriend Bob Tomato and how she was supposed to marry him, but she married Michael instead and they had a big fancy wedding, with dun-dun-duh-duuuh-dun here comes the bride and Briana never even told her about Ryan and she doesn’t know him and she doesn’t understand and there was no wedding and her baby got married. But she’s happy; she’s totally happy. Nobody say penis! I would never say penis. Who says penis?! Tamra, stoppit! I don’t say penis, no one says penis. I’ve never even seen one!

Tamra jokingly points out that Vicki mentioned anus during the alphabet and calls her a “hypocrite” and Vicki starts freaking out cause no one has ever been so mean to her in her life and Gretchen once called her a hypocrite and who wants to sing Ring Around The Rosie?!

I think Vicki just wanted to assert that she was Tamra‘s bestest friend – she wanted some ownership and control over the situation, but Tamra had already realigned herself with Gretchen and Heather. Poor Vicki, stupid she may act though she is not, started to figure out she was relegated to Team Loser with Alexis.

Before dinner, Gretchen is forced to powwow with Alexis about how the Heather/Terry situation should be handled. Feigning innocence, Gretchen claims she hasn’t noticed any awkwardness. Alexis decides shes going to try and talk to Heather in private.

Meanwhile in Tamra‘s room, Heather shows up and they have a decidedly different agenda. It’s adventurvention! Heather wants to try and discuss things in a calm and helpful manner which she hopes Alexis will be receptive to. “And if not, we’ll kill the bitch,” Tamra quips! Hunting By Bravo.

Over dinner, Vicki is late. Probably affirmation exchanging with Mr. Hallmark and everyone discusses how she’s a little off, no? She probably needs to ditch Hallmarks in favor of someone less like Slave. Speaking of Slave….how goes things Gretch? I love Tamra‘s style of gossip fishing. Gretchen wisely doesn’t take the bait and remains quiet until Vicki arrives and does an about face by refusing to sit next to Tamra.

Then they get into a back and forth about how Vicki isn’t really happy. Vicki belts out “What’s happening to us?!” and it was so pitiful and sad. And then it’s time for Reality Check by Bravo! Someone asks if Jim will be attending dinner with the guys the following night. Alexis tries to dismiss it as if she doesn’t know and Heather combats that she knows Slade called Jim and Terry was planning to call him too. Poor Alexis isn’t fast on her feet and eventually admits that Jim doesn’t feel comfortable going given what Terry has just said about her.

And boom… they swoop in for the kill and Alexis starts rambling about white elephants and how she didn’t want to talk about this but she has to. Then it descends into total bedlam with everyone basically telling Alexis her phony attempts to pretend she’s wealthy are transparent and embarrassing. Vicki pretends she’s not getting involved but then chimes in to helpfully point out that she’s, like, way richer than Alexis and she wouldn’t waste her money pretending to buy cars she can’t afford, cause you know it’s called a bank and that’s where excess money goes.

Even Gretchen piles on; pointing out that Alexis doesn’t need to play keep up with the Dubrows amongst her friends. Gretchen knows she rents her humongo house and that her husband barely can afford the pot he pisses in, let alone a spidercudaberreta or whatever he’s driving.

Heather started out gentle – she started off with a point and a message, but she let the tide of blonde fury sweep her into their hairspray-colluded cloud and then she brought up Nordstroms. Oh, Nordstrooms.

See, long before Heather knew Alexis, she knew of her. And it was all because of a fateful trip to Nordstroms when she heard Jim bellowing about the most expensive sneakers in the children’s section and how those were the one their son must have.

And Alexis‘ carefully applied facade, spackled on like the Gretchen Christine Bootay she wears to conceal her flaws, starts to melt and crumble. She begins to cry. But through her tears, when she let her guard down she got in her good insults. She reminds Tamra that a woman who brought a Louis Voo-Tawn purse to the jungle has no room to talk about other people’s materialism.

And then Alexis suggested Tamra try to do something about her mean and hateful nature. Which is a very good point. Perhaps they can get a two for one deal in therapy?

WAS TAMRA MEAN AND HATEFUL? WAS HEATHER OUT OF LINE BRINGING UP THE NORDSTROMS STORY? DOES VICKI NEED HELP?

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