Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta we met other new Housewife Porsha Stewart. What can we say about Porsha other than she's very, very, very, very, very, very blessed – and everything's, like, so perfect, like, all the time!
Porsha can pretty much be described as Kenya Moore's diametric opposite – a fact that has not escaped Kenya for one second. While Porsha grew up rich, doted on, and adored only to get married to a famous athlete and live as a socialite, as Kenya pointed out – she had to earn her own titles. Which may be why she clings onto an aging, tarnished, crown for dear life. When alls you've got is yesterday's honor and some Stuff Magazine covers, girl can't sit back on her booty and let the world forget!
Things begin with NeNe Leakes and ex-husband/current squeeze Greggalicious having a little one-on-one time. They head to Miss Lawrence's salon for some pedicures on giant, ridiculous, lacquered thrones. Gregg displays his talent for memorizing Hallmark cards and old wedding toasts by serenading an embarrassed NeNe with badly rhyming poems. All Gregg wants is a key. A key to NeNe's house, a key to her life, a key to her heart!
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As proof of his adoration Gregg proffers up a key to his own house on a heart-shaped key chain. I was close to throwing up in my mouth, but then he grabbed some lotion and started rubbing NeNe's feet while begging her to love him. That's when I puked. Luckily Lawrence waltzed in to distract me. What else can I say about Lawrence other than he needs to stop wearing a belt under his moobs. Not cute – I don't care if it is YSL!
NeNe is thinking of taking Gregg back, bur realizes he needed to miss her to remember what he had.
Moving on, Phaedra Parks is all about creating a donkey booty empire. Apparently she's about to knock Kim Kardashian off her pedestal as reality butt queen. I guess Phaedra has phreal booty in her favor! Apollo Nida has just been certified as a donkologist so she can help her make this venture a reality. Phaedra wants to have real women, American black booties, be featured in the video – which means Kimmie Kakes is out unless Phaedra needs an example of real vs. implanted butts.
And speaking of asses, Kim Zolicak is still sitting on hers in Casa de Eviction! Despite the fact that she has literally one day to move and hasn't found a place worthy of having her rent it, Wigs McGee hasn't packed a box. Instead she's resigned herself to the fact that she'll be forced to move back into Big Poppa's town house. Which is ugh, like gross – ONLY 5,000 square feet… Waaaahhhh it's soooo small!!! Now her wigs will have to share a room.
We interrupt that scintillating conversation to discuss Kroy Biermann's penis and how Kim can't stay off of it. Seriously – enough with the pregnancy porn! Kroy is going for one of his last naked swims in their own pool because soon they'll be forced to hang out at the low-rent community pool with all the other poor people who can't afford mansions.
'WAAAAHHHHH Where's the indoor pool – Kroy needs it for his penis swims?!?! Chlorine makes it taste better! #pregnancycravings Waaaahhh.' Can wigs eat your brain? Real question…
Later Kroy teaches Kim to use a fire extinguisher after she put her wig in the microwave in their special wigboratory and caught the house on fire. Just in case there's a next time Kim will be well-versed in using a hose. Kroy, if there's one thing Kim is very well-versed in it's manipulating a hose. But I think you know that – right, Gomer Pyle?
And over at Kandi Burruss' house she is packing her own boxes and schlepping fifteen-years of her life over to the new house. Mama Joyce is on hand to help safely wrap the awards and the Grammy. You mean, there's more important things to pack than your husband's penis? #WigPeopleProblems
Kandi's uncle, now aged, was apparently once a professional mover and he has lots of advice about hump strips and Bedroom Kandi boxes and how to move all manner of items.
And finally we meet Porsha! Porsha is lunching with her doppelganger Kenya under the pretense of having Kenya lend that title she acts like is a Nobel prize to her charity event for the Hosea Foundation. Porsha is um… very bubbly. Like, right?! And she just loves her life of shopping, and shrieking and goofing off and being pampered. She's very blessed, y'all!
Kenya is on edge with this one from moment one. Porsha is one of those people whose always been told how wonderful she is so naturally she believes it. That equates to a kind of blustery over-confidence that's completely innate. All of the sudden Porsha goes from saying Phaedra, NeNe, and Kandi like show up at Hosea Foundation events but don't really get too involved, to asking Kenya if she's married and wants kids.
Now I am 100% confident producers set Porsha up to this line of questioning to create drama, but Porsha is just oblivious enough to pull it off. She probably thought she was just making pleasant conversation, unfortunately she was really hitting Kenya where it hurts… in the ovaries!
Porsha is blathering on and on and on about having babies and wanting to get it over before she's 35. I mean she doesn't want to be like an old mom. Oh how old is Kenya? Only like 67 and still trying to get a man. Ick.
Kenya tosses her hair back and says, 'While you were having fairy tale weddings I was starring in an episode of Martin some 53 years-ago, but now I'm ready to settle down and hopefully my eggs aren't fried or poached! I'm a success.' Luckily Porsha knows a doctor who can help an old girl out.
Kenya's like, 'WAITER! DESSERT! I need chocolate before I stab this bitch in her 24-year-old uterus with this fork.' Anyway, Kenya agrees to come to this charity thing and is bringing some "friends."
NeNe is in NYC with Cynthia Bailey who just happens to be there for some modeling thing. Yeah Right. We catch up with NeNe in her hotel room where she is wearing some really unfortunate harem pants – that shot from the back! Eeks. Fix those pants and you'll fix that body!
They all gush about how NeNe has arrived and her life is so fantastic. Cynthia decides NeNe hasn't arrived until she experiences the real NYC – which means riding the subway and eating a hotdog. This is like the plot of an Olsen Twins movie.
NeNe and Cynthia meet at a subway gate and NeNe is in some huge-ass Louboutins showing off how fancypants and un-subway riding she is. Cynthia makes her put on flats and NeNe is complaining and acting like riding the subway is a one way trip to a serial killer's lair and she might contract Swine Flu in the process.
She perks up when people recognize her and she discovers she has fans everywhere – even underground and away from Barneys. Well done, NeNe – I guess. And now, back to the towncar!
Back in Atlanta, Phaedra and Kenya are meeting for drinks and ice cream. Phaedra likes Kenya – so far. Phaedra describes Kenya as a strange bird and appreciates her "interestingly odd behavior." I think interestingly odd behavior is code word for ka-ka-ka-kaaaraaazeee! #designerstraightjacket
While Phaedra orders gelato, Kenya is swilling a cocktail and bellowing "barkeep," which is the surest sign as any that you've been born prior to 1857. Also, can someone please teach this girl to use an inside voice?
Phaedra tells Kenya about her donkey booty video idea and coincidentally Kenya owns a production company and offers to "help" with the workout videos. And since Kenya has a donkey booty of her own she doesn't mind representing, she'd be more than happy to pitch in. I don't know Phaedra, seems like too many big butts makes for a crowd.
After discussing Phaedra's vision, Kenya shares her childhood story. It's super sad. My heart really does go out to her. Apparently her mother suffers from undiagnosed mental illness and denies ever having Kenya. They have no relationship and her grandmother and aunt raised her. Kenya is still emotionally a mess over this and seeks therapy. I really do feel for her, but girl has some serious anger management issues – or she is desperate for screen time something awful.
It's the night of Porsha's charity event for the Hosea Foundation. Instead of it being a big soiree, it's an intimate affair with 30 of Atlanta's elite. How exactly they're going to raise money baffles me, but details. Kenya shows up and has brought a friend – and she's wondering where all the other famous people are.
Kenya has also invited ANOTHER friend – Lawrence. Even though Porsha specified that it's a women-only event.
I guess one could say this whole evening boils down to semantics.
Then Porsha's husband arrives to surprise her with a Chanel bag and a $200,000 check for the organization. He is all over his wife and gives a rousing speech about how she is using this charity to "exploit" her kind heart. Can I just say both Kordell and Porsha need to attend the Phaedra Parks School of Public Speaking? And I'm with Kenya – that's a tacky gift at an event to raise money for starving children.
Kenya seems really on edge about Kordell being there – might I call it jealousy as she is still trying to roofie Walter and capture a vial of his sperm to turkey baste into her lady erreas. Then Porsha hops up to the microphone to stutter her way through an introduction, in which she announces Kenya as Miss America from 19…. 04?
Alright, while Kenya reacted rudely, Porsha should have better hostessing skills. If you are touting someone as a celebrated guest get on your iPhone and Google their stats. It takes all of 30 seconds. It was pretty disrespectful.
Kenya is not impressed so she and her BFFL run outside, claiming she's "freezing," to wait for Lawrence. According Kenya, who is shaking with rage and trying super hard not to start SWFing and vandalizing the premises, the entire place smells like cow manure.
Porsha comes out to see what's wrong and is confused. Kenya says she's waiting for her friend. Lawrence arrives and is wearing what appears to be a sari or a ceremonial robe. Please get this man a fashion intervention. He's also carrying a giant cellophane something.
He's shocked that Kenya's prized possession – her title – was botched so brutally. Porsha needs to get on her knees and grovel to almighty history-making Kenya Moore. She was the second black Miss Pageant who no one remembers next to Vanessa Williams.
Porsha comes out again to let the ladies know their food has arrived and upon sighting Lawrence in his dashiki decides it's time for them to go. Kenya is all, 'Bitch we were leaving – and I wasn't going to even say good-bye. Also my weave is singeing from standing next to all this shit.'
Porsha snaps, 'I see you're on the street corner where you belong, on the curb where I usually keep the trash cans Miss HOE-S-A. Furthermore that smell is your rotten eggs, cause your biological clock is expired and you're OLD.' Furthermore Porsha wants to know why Kenya's alleged charity doesn't come up on the internet. So she googled that but not Miss USA archives?
Porsha turns on heel to leave and then marvel at her beautiful event, while Kenya is off for a drink with people who worship her. She decides Porsha is jealous because she's just somebody's something – wife, granddaughter – where as Kenya earned her reputation. Which may or may not be a good thing…
And that, ladies, is how one does not behave at a philanthropic event!
[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK OF PORSHA SO FAR? DID KENYA HAVE A RIGHT TO BE MAD?