Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta lost one Wig Zolciak and gained one Porsha Stewart – officially – and then they said good riddance to bad rubbish and headed to paradise. Sadly it was a bit of paradise lost when Kenya Moore lost it and got frisky, handsy, desperate and crazy. I don't ever want to hear her telling anyone how they should behave again after she fondled two women's husbands and solicited a concierge for a sperm donation. On twitter she blamed her antics on the "ah ah ah ah alcohol" Girl – there are no words.
Things pick off where they left off last week with Kim storming out of the restaurant during the pre-Anguilla planning brunch. Kim stomps outside and immediately smacks a camera man, telling him, "get the f–k out of my face!" The camera crew laughs and is like, 'Please bitch, it's called a contract and you signed one!'
This is cue for Kroy Biermann (remember when we all thought he was so nice and sweet and too good for Kim?) to leap from the waiting Escalade – still driving the car Big Poppa bought, I see – and start screaming and threatening the camera crew. Oh Gomer Pyle you're so tuff. You lose your dignity over lady wig and you yell that f-word loud and proud so your mama in Montana can hear. Right. So anyone else so tired of the wigs and cigs hour?
After that the camera man reminds Kroy that Bravo will slap his butt with a lawsuit and that's not the sort of being f–ked he wants to deal with so better get in the car and drive away.
And with that Wig and Gomer drove off to the townhouse Big Poppa bought and Kim screamed "I'm done!"
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Back inside everyone all but burst out laughing and it was sort of sweet that Kim's departure brought them all closer together. Trauma and ridiculousness often do that to a group. Suddenly they have something to bond over. Kandi Burruss and Cynthia Bailey continue to remain shocked that Kim denied offering up dates claiming they specifically declined paying events in order to accommodate her schedule.
I mean everyone has kids but Kenya – nasty side-eye from Cynthia – and they're all here, right?! NeNe Leakes announces she's releasing an album and going to law school and the first single is called "Excuses." It's an homage to Kim. NeNe is going to do a video rocking a baby bump and a wig. I really need Bravo to get on this ASAP and I really need to see it. If Chic C'est Le Vie can be a thing, Excuses can!
As Kandi fills Mama Joyce in on the latest Kim drama, Mama Joyce is not surprised. For as much as Kandi seems to get the wool pulled over her eyes by Kim, Mama Joyce can read Wig like a book! She reminds Kandi that Kim threw her own mother out of her wedding like a common criminal and that the woman lies like a rug and doesn't have any friends because no one is important to Kim, but Kim. Case in point, tossing her mom out of the wedding reception.
Don't mess with a mama. It seems to be sinking into Kandi's brain that Kim is a grade-A user who will sweet talk anyone to their face and discard them faster than a synthetic wig once she gets what she needs. Let's just hope ol' Gomer Pyle has a little thing called a prenup!
The next night Cynthia and Peter are meeting Wig-replacement Porsha for drinks. Kordell was supposed to attend, but can't and Peter is crushed. Apparently he has a bit of a men-crush on Kordell and was dying to meet him
and smooze him up for some BarOne investment opportunities.
Porsha reveals when she met Kordell she was attracted to him because he was "country" and the dead giveaway was his collared shirt. She expects us to believe she had never heard of NFL great Kordell Stewart before? Even I had and the last time I was at a football game I was attending WVU and going for the tailgating. So yeah, not buying that!
Since Kim has now officially relinquished her opening line and her place on the Anguilla trip, there is a vacancy and since Porsha has immediately vaulted from understudy to leading lady, Peter invites her on the trip. And with zero consideration she's like oh sure I can go.
And so the Housewives all show up at the airport, ridiculous amount of luggage and husbands in tow, to depart to Anguilla. I'm always confused by their traveling attire. I fail to see how anyone can be comfy on an airplane for hours wearing a crotch length dress and hooker heels. Apparently this is why I am not a Housewife.
Kandi's boyfriend Todd, who was pretending he was going to skip the trip, shows up to surprise her and she is relieved she won't have to face the crazy alone.
Kenya arrives last and greets everyone but Porsha, who she visibly snubs. Kenya laughs about it, like "Porsha who?" and Porsha to her credit kept her comments to herself. Kenya needs to get over her 1900 Miss USA self.
On the plane Apollo is eating of all weird airplane food – grits! Kenya obviously thinks she's a contestant on The Bachelor cause she whispers to the camera that she's expecting a proposal from Walter in Anguilla and she will soon be a blushing bride! I'm betting a Kim revival has more of a chance of happening, but anyway!
Jesus take the wheel – away from this crazy former pageant queen with a vendetta!
When they land, they board a boat to Anguilla. Kenya decides to take the wheel and she steers the boat recklessly, hoping the women (and Walter) will all fall overboard leaving the husbands for her. Then she can drug them all and hold them hostage while she collects sperm samples. I'm guessing one unlucky man – Apollo – will be forced to be her sex slave or marry her and she'll never set him free! She laughs maniacally as she goes faster and faster and faster, shrieking at the woman to hold onto their weaves!
While she doesn't manage to toss anyone overboard with her crazy driving, she does manage to force poor Cynthia's dress to fly open where her boob popped out. Luckily Cynthia was to prevent a total exposure moment, but she was not impressed. On land Peter, Cynthia, NeNe, and Gregg get to drive to the villa in an SUV while the B-Team is relegated to the group bus.
Gregg reveals he tried his hardest not to look at Cynthia's exposed boob by covering the eye nearest to it and it was pretty funny.
And on the bus, Kenya starts wheedling, begging, pleading with Walter for a ring. As they pass a jewelry store, she is practically in his lap whining, like he's Santa and all she wants for Christmas is a diamond the size of China. She was throwing himself at him like this was a 90's hair band video and the vixen would prance all over swinging their hair and crawling on the guys. The Rock of Love bus has crashed and burned, girl.
Walter's response: "Those are blood diamonds." Out of the corner of her eye, Phaedra Parks observes every comment, every move and makes a mental note to let Walter know he's within grounds to file a sexual harassment suit and she is just the lady who can help…
Kenya keeps insisting she is ready for marriage because her career – the one no one has heard of since '95 – is so successful she doesn't even need to promote herself anymore. Apparently her production company is also very lucrative. They produce what again? Soft-core, aka Kim's spinoff… ?
As they get to the villa everyone shown their impressive rooms. NeNe and Gregg score the massive, luxury master. And Kenya, well she is downgraded to the Jr. Suite. A room that was previously reserved for Wigs and Gomer.
Kenya starts throwing a fit. Whining to the bellhops, complaining about how low-class everything is. Where's her soaker tub? Where's her walk-in? She wants to stay at a different place. She just will not stop. This girl is persistent – a dog with a bone is right! Walter asks her if she took her meds as she is lying on the bed wailing about how unfair it is that she got the bad room and she's the most amazing person in the world.
Waaaaahhhh… no one ever gives Kenya what she wants. She wants a diamond. She wants a master suite. She wants a tub. SHE USED TO BE MISS USA, DAMMIT! I'm sure she would've pulled out the crown as leverage had Walter not slipped her a Valium. Walter is deeply regretting his decision to play her made-for-TV boyfriend.
Across the villa Phaedra and Apollo are happy to have some alone time to focus on multiplying. Apollo is excited about the hot tub, but Ms. Phaedra Parks, Esq does not put her honey pot near any STD cesspools – especially ones shared with former Miss USAs and their penchant for rubbing their booties on the masses.
Everybody knows… Phaedra does not mess around when it comes to vaginal trichomoniasis. BWHAHAHA With Apollo insisting one cannot catch a yeast infection from a hot tub, they dial up Phaedra's gyno who lets Apollo know it is apparently entirely possible. MTV are you aware of this?
In the evening the couples hang out around the pool and NeNe hangs on Gregg literally, while her butt hangs out of her dress. Oops! Apollo is standing around shirtless and a frisky and desperate Kenya can't resist pushing him in the pool. Hair raises all around and everyone scopes out Phaedra's response. But Phaedra is a pro. She sits there stone-faced as Apollo returns the favor by pushing Kenya, dress and all, into the pool. Kandi mentions that Kenya better watch before Phaedra tasers her. And yes – Phaedra needs to get out her taser like NOW – on Apollo and Kenya.
In her interview, Kenya giggles that maybe she was flirting. If throwing yourself on another man's husband can be called flirting. Wait – let me ask Kim and LeAnn Rimes about this – but anyway, no shame in Kenya's game right? Wrong.
The next morning Phaedra cruises down the stairs in a thong bathing suit with a mesh cover-up. While I think Phaedra needs to put that donkey booty back in the barn, I have to admit there was nary cellulite in site and she donned that attire with purpose. As NeNe so eloquently put it: Keep your legs closed to married men, KENYA! And Phaedra was subtly sending a message that Apollo could not forget – her donkey booty was real and not surgically implanted. And it's the only one he better be focusing on.
Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. And when dealing with an unhinged former Miss USA with a fake booty who is chomping at the bit to get knocked up one better mark their territory and let her know whose sperm is already taken! Phaedra was a donkey booty super hero.
Needless to say no one else could believe she wore that in public to tour Anguilla. They board a boat, then another boat, then another boat and in all the wind a trash bag blows in NeNe's face. I guess Kim was on the trip after all!
Killer kiss! Run, Walter, Run! And then call OSHA.
On Anguilla the couples split up for some alone time and Kenya uses this time to threaten to drown Walter in the ocean if he doesn't propose. Or better yet marry her in Anguilla. It would save them the trouble of a big wedding – and it would be totally captured by Bravo cameras. And she could upstage Cynthia's vow renewal. And Walter is on-board with this plan, right? – as as she digs her nails into his wrists and hisses in his face. Once he makes his sperm deposit she'll be done with him and he can go back to towing cars around town and being irrelevant.
Does she have some serious dirt on this man or does he just want business promotion, camera time? What? Those two have ZERO chemistry and that kiss he gave her was straight up sibling-esque. I cannot believe she expects us to think this relationship is legit.
Watching from a few feet away, observing every move and word, are Phaedra and Apollo. Maybe they were waiting for that spot to open for their own camera time, but I prefer to take my reality TV with a splash of Lifetime and some soap opera stirred in. I think Phaedra is onto Kenya; her lies and her crazy and she is watching that fake-booty like a hawk!
Meanwhile, Kandi and Todd are spending their alone time at a bar that serves only drinks with the word "f–k" in them. Does Kim own this place? Apparently Kandi doesn't drink so she's having a virgin pina colada, while Todd gets a shot of "f–k me sideways." Kandi reveals the one time she drank liquor the place where she keeps her kegel balls got all warm and fuzzy and she just wanted to get some action. Todd summons the waitress to dump some liquor in Kandi's cocktail.
That evening Phaedra finally removes the thong. She won't get in a hot tub but she'll let her butt sit on public seats all over Anguilla? Anyway, she changes into something thongless – at least on the outside – and announces she's planned a cultural extravaganza as a thank you to Cynthia and Peter for arranging the trip.
Out come the back-up dancers from Rihanna's umbrella, wearing figure skating costumes and shaking their booties. The other ladies get up to try their own butts at such maneuvers while a bemused NeNe looks on. Eventually she can take no more of these amateurs, and she saunters over to show them how it's done.
Ms. Leakes is a professional when it comes to booty shaking, popping, and pole dancing. And also apparently tongue jiggling. NeNe regales the group with stories of her own past collecting dollars on the pole, which is where she learned to prance and tip-toe around awkwardly in super high heels.
Porsha decides this is not her scene and retreats back to Kordell. Strippers, booty dances, former Miss USA's grinding their fake butt on some other girl's hubby. Um… no, she's too classy for all of that. While Kenya is throwing herself on Peter and shaking her assets all over the place. Walter is practically asleep and he couldn't look more disinterested if Peter was the one performing a lap dance on him.
Yes, that's right, NeNe tried to teach Kenya how to do a lapdance with Walter for practice. Kenya puts a pillow over Walter's man area because she expects us to believe he had a boner from her frisky attempts. That was clearly a "zoner." Or a boner looking bump caused by the bunching in the fly area of a man's pants when they sit down. Nice try though, Miss – what was your title again? – Miss HO-S-A?
After all those escapades, Kenya starts trying to schmooze a member of the tourism board. She thinks he's handsome and charming. So handsome and charming, that regardless of his announcement that he's married and that her beloved is sitting a few feet away, she wants to know if he's ever thought about donating sperm. To her. She's a great candidate. After all she was once Miss USA and she's been on the cover of FHM Magazine! Kandi is shocked.
Kenya is certainly not acting like a woman begging for a ring – her booty is on every man BUT Walter.
Back at the house, as Peter laughs about how Kenya was brazen enough to push Apollo into the pool and Phaedra looks on stoney faced, Kenya re-appears.
Kenya sidles up to Porsha and Apollo with a very important question. She throws her arms around them both and innocently wants to know if Phaedra could give Apollo the gift of two of her friends, who would it be. Apollo looked very, very interested in his dessert as he didn't even look up. Meanwhile Phaedra in a silence that was deadly refused to comment before finally basically telling Kenya she was out of line and walking away. I have to hand it to Phaedra, she really held it together.
And next week, things get completely out of line with Kenya as she battles with NeNe and Porsha!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – IS KENYA CRAZY OR IS THIS AN ACT? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HOW PHAEDRA HANDLED HER FLIRTING WITH APOLLO? SHOULD "EXCUSES" BE THE NEXT HOUSEWIVES SONG?