Let's discuss the crafty editors on last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. So there they were with a whole huge storyline about how skanky Scheana Marie Famewhore pretended she had never heard of nor seen Eddie Cibrian before and participated in a two-year-long affair with him not knowing he was married to Brandi Glanville. I mean Eddie was unemployed, but karma is a bitch because he eventually left both Scheana and Brandi for LeAnn Rimes. And I would say Eddie lost on that gamble!
Other things happened last night. Bravo introduced us to Taylor Armstrong's boyfriend John Bluher. Way back in the day Taylor was telling us John was her pro-bono attorney on the $1.5M lawsuit she was battling against MMRGlobal. They were also "just friends." Friends with benefits, also known as an affiar. And then he just popped up on the screen attending a couple's night with Taylor, Kyle Richards, and Lisa Vanderpump. Wasn't that a coincidence. Sometimes – just sometimes – the Bravo editors don't do us injustice. Hey, it's once in a blue moon!
Things begin with Faye Resnick trying her darndest to become relevant. Yeah, we still don't like you – go away. Faye's face is like melted, globbed together wax. It's clear that with the friendship she shares with Adrienne Maloof, they also share a plastic surgeon. Karma is a bitch like that, I s'pose!
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Anyway Faye continues her verbal assault against Brandi complaining that she's a horrible person who is intentionally trying to destroy Adrienne's life. Kyle just sits there with her sparkly shoulder straps. You know I thought Kyle was annoying when she did splits, but she's even more annoying when she pretends she has nothing to do with Faye's behavior and doesn't intervene. Hello – hostessing 101!
Brandi bails and Lisa points out that Kyle should go after Brandi and make sure she is OK. She then discretely leaves a copy of her book on entertaining and being a good hostess on the sideboard with the inscription: "You need this. That was embarrassing."
Kyle races outside in her jumpsuit – ew – and Lisa turns her glare onto Faye. Faye keeps insisting she did nothing wrong. Marisa Zanuck points out that perhaps Brandi just isn't ready to speak to Adrienne and Faye should butt out. Faye insists she was being honest, but c'mon if she was really being honest she'd admit she was desperate to get on this show and was seeking camera love. Someone calls Faye mean – that person is right.
Faye claims that Lisa is trying to get Brandi do her dirty work since she has an agenda against Adrienne but wants to keep her hands clean. Right. Of course. Faye says Adrienne is made of the purest sweetness ever which is when Lisa points out that she tried to destroy her reputation on national television with slanderous comments and then she came after Brandi for defending her. I think we all know where the rumors that Lisa is using Brandi as her attack dog came from, right Faye?
Faye insists Lisa is just defending Brandi because she's pathetic and can't see the truth about Brandi. And of course since Lisa needs her to continue to do her bidding. Lisa was visibly furious.
I was wishing, hoping Lisa would throw a glass of wine in Faye's face. It would probably melt. #WickedWitchOfTheWest
Outside Brandi is really upset and Kyle is not being helpful. Lisa sensing that Kyle is yet again inept comes out and immediately questions Kyle about why Faye is so involved and how she knows so much? Lisa is quite aware that Kyle put Faye up to this either unemotionally or intentionally. She dismisses her and we are given the courtesy of seeing Kyle stomp away in the worlds most hideous and unflattering jumpsuit. It was like a cross between a pageant gown from David's Bridal and a figure skating costume.
Kyle deserves that jumpsuit – and Faye.
Brandi goes home and at least she escaped from the coven of witches unscathed and alive. If she had hung around for the dessert course lord only knows what would happen. Faye probably would have forced her to look at her Playboy spread! Morally Corrupt indeed.
** Dear Bravo – WE DO NOT WANT FAYE! **
Taylor is trying to rid her house of bad energy so she's invited some medium/spiritual advisor to come over and cleanse the home. I
f she wants her house to be rid of toxicity shouldn't she move out?.
Taylor is careful to explain that the medium in question has been used by Oprah! Not only is Taylor desperate to hang onto this zip code she's now trying to keep up with the Oprahs. She needs a lesson from Kris Jenner on gold-digging done right. Anyway, Taylor answers the door to said medium holding a small, white mini, Pomeranian.
YES – A DOG! I thought Kennedy was allergic?! Or was that just a S1 storyline? I just can't with this woman. The medium is about as big of a crock as Taylor and she whooos and sways and spasms in the living room sprinkling the " healing dust" she collected outside the 7-11 and Taylor paid $500 bucks an ounce for. Afterward the medium burst out laughing in her car at how gullible the wannabe rich are. And Oprah was never her client – but Faye Resnick sure was…
Over at Yolanda Foster's impeccable white palace she's pretending she knows how to operate this thing called a stove. It's a stove, right? Yolanda's children are over and she's cooking dinner and lecturing her daughter GG on choosing a career at the tender age of 16. GG loves volleyball but she's got this modeling thing happening and she's tired of starving herself to appease her mom. Yolanda tells her volleyball players are like huge enormous fat ogres and spend too much time exercising and eating. No daughter of Yolanda's is going to turn into a massive monster – or a sports doing lesbian. Oh, no… that's not feminine.
Then Yolanda dumps 3/4 of the spaghetti onto David's plate and demands he eat it all before GG turns into the incredible hulk from carbs. Ok – I joke. I think Yolanda is fun, but clueless and way too detached from reality. I also think her parenting style is very European.
Yolanda's other child is allowed to do things beside eat lettuce and smear mascara on. This other child rides horses. Yolanda loves riding but explains it's very time-consuming and involved. And it cost a lot. I mean for instance all the horses need chiropractors and a masseuses, and a full-time nanny, and a hairdresser, and nutritionists, and trips to the therapists to handle their neurosis and still sometimes they don't behave. You know horses sound a lot of like Housewives. And I want to be Yolanda's horse – its life is so much more glamorous and comfortable than mine.
Kyle is doing some yoga. I burst out laughing because really Kyle – yoga can't save you. Marisa joins her and immediately they spend the entire time talking and gossiping. The principle of yoga is breath – and you can't do that if you never shut your mouth. It's clear Kyle has never done yoga before – or ever shut her mouth. Anyway, Kyle doesn't want to be in the middle of Brandi and Adrienne which is why she put herself there like a centerpiece, right squat in the middle of the table.
Marisa is completely shocked and disgusted by the immature behavior of the women at the dinner party. Kyle insists they're all really nice. They are?
Brandi and Lisa go shopping with an ulterior motive. Brandi left the house without something important. She just knows she forgot something but she has no idea what it is… oh there it is! The blurry spots over her boobs through the entire shopping trip serve as a reminder that Brandi did not leave home with a bra on. Oopsie!
Lisa is gearing up to ask Brandi something important. Something about Sur. Apparently because Scheana Marie works there and Brandi hangs out often, Scheana wants to make amends and apologize to Brandi for sleeping with her husband. Lisa is supportive of this idea and thinks Brandi should consider it. Brandi isn't so sure.
Brandi pays a visit to the ever-wise divorce Yoda, Camille Grammer. Camille is an expert in such matters of destroying your ex-husband's reputation and taking him for everything he has. Brandi tells her of the plot with Scheana and how she just wants to say her sowwries. On camera. After 4 years, two of which Brandi has been coming to Sur. Look, the producers manipulated this Scheana crap and it's dumb.
Camille reveals that if Kelsey's wife would speak to her, Camille would really want to. She'd want to know all the details. Me too. BTW: Loved Camille's shirt in that scene. Brandi decides she'll take the bait, errrrr… hear what Scheana has to say.
At Taylor's house she gets some bad news. Her married boyfriend/attorney finally speaks. John, no introduction, calls Taylor to say he has a settlement offer in the $1.5M lawsuit that was all Russell's fault. Apparently Taylor was supposed to get a $14M trust when Russell died and she got jack. Instead she got sued. And everyone hated her even more than they did before.
Since Taylor can't pay her debts the rival party is willing to accept her 10 karat diamond wedding band as consolation. Taylor sniffles and cries with no tears. Then comes the real hurt – they're also willing to accept her two Hermes Birkin bags. And Taylor really let's loose and starts to bawl. 'Not my purses… they hold my self-esteem and self-worth!' Whoever negotiated the terms of this settlement really wanted to hit Taylor where it hurts – in the status symbol handbags. I guess ol' Tay-Tay got the last laugh – her bags turned out to be fakes!
Finally Adrienne appears on the screen. She hates everyone now because they didn't immediate excise Brandi from the show and spread horrible rumors about how Brandi is a prostitute or something. Instead they didn't even disagree with Brandi's accusations, they just like went on with their business of drinking wine, self-obsessing, and shopping. Only Faye, programmed into attack mode by Adrienne's robot control team did the right thing. Adrienne's other mind-control implants must have failed.
Adrienne reluctantly visits Paul at his office. She looks like she wants to vomit while looking at him. They are creating a revolutionary skin care line. It's the same stuff Adrienne uses on her face. **Pause while I burst out laughing!!** Five minutes later…
Taking skin care advice from Adrienne is like taking fashion advice from Adrienne – both are terrible ideas. I mean look at the woman! Adrienne blames Brandi for her marital problems claiming it's caused a lot of strain. Um… did she forget the cameras have been there for the past two seasons while she treated him with contempt and hatred? Maybe she tried to do a mind-control chip on the viewing public. If you stare at the tinsel strands in her hair you'll get very sleepy, you'll start thinking Adrienne is amazing and perfect and looks like Giselle. Yeah, Adrienne's attempts at manipulation are about as successful as her attempts at dressing…
Taylor and her married boyfriend join Kyle, Lisa, and their spouses for dinner. Taylor is glowing cause she just got some and her PI confirmed John's assets are in the multi-millions. Her eyes twinkle with the thoughts of hitting pay dirt. She plops down at the table and reveals her lawsuit is almost settled.
Everyone cheers and claps and congratulates her. Do they know she's secretly dating John who's married? Or do they have to pretend to be nice for the cameras. Lisa is especially proud of her. Lisa is too nice.
John tells Kyle he recently spotted the invisible Kim Richards at the Havana Club. Kyle is shocked. People struggling with sobriety are not allowed cigars. They aren't? Kyle looks sad as she muses that Kim has been really distant from her lately and they never really speak. Kyle doesn't understand because she thought Kim getting sober would bring them closer together.
Does this expression make it look like I feel bad?
Finally the day comes for Brandi and Scheana to meet face-to-face. Scheana is immediately insufferable. She's desperately trying to get acting gigs from her fake tears and whining desperation. Ugh. I swear she's the sort of girl who wears cheap perfume like Clinique Happy.
Brandi sits down and really doesn't want to hear it. You can tell she did this because she needs the money from her Bravo contract and the producers made her.
Scheana starts telling Brandi every, single detail about her relationship with Eddie and continues to insist she had no idea – not one single clue – he was married the entire time. This bitch never watched a Melrose Place rerun? She never Googled him? Does she really expect us to believe she was dating a D-List actor and never got on GOOGLE or IMDB? Bitch please! Stop playing the victim and close your legs to married men. Apologize, act gracious, and then go home. Scheana is making me want to stab my TV.
Ugh – it was this bizarre game of tit-for-tat where Scheana was apparently trying to prove how real her relationship with Eddie was while Brandi looked on in horror. If Scheana was looking for sympathy from anyone it totally didn't work.
The worst part was Scheana seemed to exhibit no remorse. She started crying about how much SHE loved him and he fooled her and basically was super defensive. Brandi at one point looked at her and said: "Look at where you are. I win." Yep, keep slinging drinks in a tube top Scheana and hoping some rich man will marry your skanky ass.
Sorry – Scheana is just gross. I think it's fine if she wanted to apologize to Brandi and admit that she made a mistake, but she just wanted to defend herself and rub it in Brandi's face while playing the 'poor lil' ol me fooled by an older man' act.
Brandi decides that's enough and leaves. Scheana tells Lisa it went well. I wonder what opinion Lisa will have after watching the footage. I was really, really sad for Brandi. Like her or not, she did not deserve that humiliation and disrespect. No wife does.
TELL US – FAYE OR MARISA: WHO DO YOU LIKE BETTER? WAS KYLE STIRRING THE POT WITH FAYE, BRANDI AND ADRIENNE? IF YOU WERE BRANDI, WOULD YOU HEAR SCHEANA OUT?