rhobh-recap-001Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills continued arguing, battling, passive-aggressively sniping, and being fake to each other. They all need some hobbies. 

Things begin back in the Moroccan restaurant of horrors. If you can imagine things got even more atrocious. As if Mauricio Umansky whining and shrieking at Brandi Glanville wasn't bad enough, then Taylor Armstrong started with the drunk histrionics. 

I think Camille Grammer said it best: "Taylor, nobody cares. We've already heard your story." This time Taylor's drunken syrupy gaze blurriedly turned towards Yolanda Foster who is apparently a bad, bad, bad person because she's married to a rich man and doesn't act like an ass every single minute. Maybe Taylor should do master cleanse. It can't hurt and it's probably better than the wine cleanse she's been doing for the past couple years. 

Taylor makes some threats about how she knows what really goes on with David Foster as one her "best friends for twenty years" was married to him. She's referring to Linda Thompson. And if you recall when Taylor arrived at Yolanda and David's home the man married to one of her best friends for a zillion years had no idea who she was. It wasn't all wine and roses then either, was it Taylor. Well it was all wine… 


Do Taylor's lips grow every time she tells a lie? Pinocci-hoe. 

Apparently no one notices the hypocrisy of last season when Camille was being sued by Russell and Taylor and never once did anyone tell Camille to pick up the phone and try to work it out. Where was Maurice the Megaphone then? Is it possibly because Camille falls into the "rich" category and had high-powered attorneys escorting her to parties? 

Kyle Richards, in a full-fledged victim tantrum, throws her hand onto her forehead, faints onto the cheaply upholstered sofa, lands on some cous-cous and saffron chicken and announces in a shrill voice "I'm never going to try and have a party again. I'm staying out of it!" Is that a promise or a threat, Splits? She tells Brandi 'I don't want you to feel attacked," which is about half an episode too late. 

Then Brandi having enough tells Mauricio to eff off and excuses herself to the ladies room. Kim Richards and Mauricio bond by ripping her apart behind her back. Kim is still bent out of shape about the meth comment. LET IT GO – IT'S MAKING YOU LOOK GUILTY! And apparently no one – NO ONE – in this group can handle the F-word, unless they're the ones saying it. Camille sighs and does that pinched mouth thing because she's been quarantined into the corner with drunken loose lips and she starts imagining she must have done something horrible to piss Kyle off and now she's stuck in time out. 

Eventually Yolanda and Lisa Vanderpump go and make sure Brandi isn't hyperventilating into her clutch in the handicapped stall. Yolanda offers her a lemon and Lisa whispers not to worry because she "knows" things about Splits…. and everyone leaves. 

Again, great party! Thanks for the invite, Bravo. Mauricio half-heartedly apologies at the end and Brandi gracious accepts it which is more than I can say for what my response would have been to that rude bastard. She reiterates that no one "knows" what Adrienne Maloof did to her.

Seriously – can we know already? What did Adrienne do? I mean, I'm sure it was something because this is Adrienne, but can we have details. I'm a glutinous gossip hound and I need to know. 

Ugh – I have never wanted to leave a restaurant I wasn't actually at so badly in my life. 


So boring I passed out face fist in the salad course. 

Kyle has Adrienne, Paul, and Paul's garish tie over for dinner. Did Adrienne pick that purple people eater ensemble out? Mauricio is bouncing around, giddy with glee like Santa was waltzing through the door because he's missed the Maloof-Nassifs and is excited to see them. I don't see how that's possible given that Adrienne has the personality of a blank wall and looks like a bad plastic surgery experiment, but me thinks Mauricio likes the moolah. 

Everyone perches awkwardly around Kyle's coffee table pretending to have a casual nosh. Adrienne eats six corn kernels and they all complain about Brandi and how her toxicity drove them from town. Right. Adrienne says that Brandi should have spoken to her directly and tried to work things out rather than outing her dirty little secret and forcing her to get attorneys involved. I think the phone – or Starbucks as Yolanda advises – work both ways. Both girls should have sent an email, a text, a carrier pigeon (Karent Sierra has free time right now since RHOM is on break) and stopped with the nonsense. Maybe Yolanda just needs to be the acting secretary for this group. 

Speaking of Yolanda, she's over at Mohammad's house where she's overseeing the installation of some decorating project. She buzzes around in a lemon-based euphoria. Yolanda is "helping" and lecturing everyone in a frenzied tizzy because you can tell Yolanda loves a project. Which is probably why she joined this show. She instructs one of the workers to learn English and practice every night which is what she did and as she is the high priestess of perfect everyone should do as she does. 

Yolanda micromanages everyone! Her husband, her ex-husband, her ex-husband's employees, her lemon farm, the in depth organization of her glass cryogenic chamber, aka the fridge. Oh to be Yolanda. I wish! And I really wish she'd swoop in on a lemon branch and organize my house. #Help

Kim has a psychic over to her house. I'm so over the RHOBH psychic. The psychic tells Kim she sees her grandchildren in the newest rental and there is a lingering presence in the air. I bet it's eau de regret tinged with bronzing powder and Opium parfum. I don't know why I could see Kim rocking Opium, couldn't you? Or it could be the dead remains of that chicken salad… 

Back at Mohammad's Yolanda and the kiddies show up and bounce around like a commercial for divorce done right. Take note Bethenny Frankel! Yolanda explains how important it is for her and Mohammad to have a healthy, peaceful relationship for their children and clearly it's worked out. It was a cute scene and they seem happy. Yolanda brought lemons, of course. Mohammad wants her to redecorate his entire house. 

Then that happy scene was grossly interrupted by the appearance of Faye Resnick. Ugh. I threw up a bit in my mouth. New diet plan – thanks Bravo. Ugh. Kyle is purchasing some new store – It's Kyle by AleneToo – and she thinks she is going to revolutionize BH fashion or something. I think she should have named it The Caftan Connection. 

They're at some mannequin store so Kyle can pretend to have a purpose besides shit stirring, back-stabbing, and throwing bad parties. Guess that book didn't sell well or something. Kyle mimics the poses of the mannequins in the porno section of the store. I tried not to look at Faye's melted wax face and envisioned that I was watching the real Mannequin. Paging vintage Kim Cattrall. 

Faye tells us she's like the biggest decorator ever and it found her; decorating stalked her all around until she couldn't resist and fell into it's awaiting arms cause it was her destiny. It was also her destiny to show off her twat in Playboy and act like a twat on RHOBH, apparently. Anyway, she's like kind of a big deal and she's worked with MANY a-list clients. A-listers like Paris Hilton and Avril Lavigne

Are we considering Paris Hilton and Avril Lavigne A-List now? I'm working with a different alphabet clearly. Yeah, so that was gross. 

Marisa Zanuck returns and she goes out to dinner with her hubby, her brother, and Brandi. Marisa spends the entire dinner telling Brandi about how her husband Dean isn't her type because he's not that hot. She likes men that look like Eddie Cibrian. I'm sure he'd be willing to cheat on LeAnn for Marisa – she should give him a call. 

Dean is a child of the Zanucks, of the MGM Zanucks. But he prefers a life with substance and sticks to making independent films in foreign countries which bums Marisa out since she wants him to make a big blockbuster and get uber rich. Brandi tells her she's hosting some single women slut it up in Vegas class and wants to invite all the girls to attend. Topping her list are Yolanda and Lisa, cause those are the first two names that pop into my head when I think pole dancing in Vegas. 

Marisa needs a break from the cute and doting Dean so she's in. Dean said six words during dinner. I think they were "Can I have another beer, please?" The whole time Brandi was thinking, 'I can take Dean off your hands. Hot-tie!'

So yeah, then there is some art exhibit hosted by an artist named Danny. All the ladies are going. To make peace beforehand Brandi calls Kyle. Kyle tells Brandi she forgives her for saying the f-word to Mauricio so it's all good. How big of her. Why is Brandi sucking up to Kyle. Ugh gross. 

Brandi arrives at the art opening with BFF Jennifer Giminez and everyone else trickles in afterwards. Lisa is wearing a St.Patrick's Day green satin blouse from the Tammy Wynette Collection for Neiman Marcus. It's a special treat, I tell you. Kyle says she loves what Lisa's wearing, but let's discuss what Kyle is wearing. That headband. Um, really? 

Brandi has decided to invite all the ladies to Vegas so Bravo will foot the bill for her trip so they can have a bonding girls weekend. She invites Taylor first. Taylor has some sort of a domestic violence PSA she's filming which is code word for conducting an affair with my married boyfriend. So yeah, wine lips can't make it. Brandi looked so bummed. 

Meanwhile Yolanda has found some art she likes and is haggling with the painter for a discount claiming lots of like famous people from the  elevator music genre frequent her house. That wasn't the most shocking thing that Yolanda did last night though.

Yolanda was *gasp* drinking a glass of wine!! Her first one all season! What happened to the lamb stem cells or the blood of immortal dinosaurs or whatever? Anyway she gets the piece for $8000 and is highly impressed with herself. The artist – she's not so impressed with his bargaining skills. Maybe she could teach him how it's done – something tells me she's an expert. 

ken vs models

Ken Vs. The Models

On the other side of the party it is discovered that Ken, blessed Ken, is trapped in the boob-height club of Brandi and her giantess former model friends. There he is blushing sweetly as he makes nipple-eye contact with three ladies who tower above him. They decide to take a photo. While Lisa chuckles nearby, Kyle's head is spinning exorcist style. If Mauricio was surrounding himself with a bevy of former models she would have to run over there to scratch some eyes out. Which of course would trigger the 8 foot Amazonian girls to morph into ninja warriors with nun-chuck necklaces and take down Kyle. 

It would be like Charlie's Angels vs. Cabbage Patch Kids and it would be glorious. Clearly this is wishful thinking. 

Then Bravo decides they're really trying to kill me because Paris Hilton shows up and we are treated to a full 30 seconds of her monotone droning about how important she is. She has a concert for deaf people happening in Prague or something. 

Brandi decides to extend an olive branch or lemon tree or dead Hobbit habitat – or whatever – and invite Kyle to Vegas. Kyle, having nothing better to do than shop for mannequins, accepts. I hope they make her leave that headband at home. Not cute.

Kyle also shares that the other day she called Lisa who told her she was having sex when Kyle called. As Kyle recounts the story the headband gets tight around her head as her forehead scrunches. Lisa is like well, what else am I going to do all day? It's Tantric baby! 

On the other side of the party, Marisa is again complaining about her adorable husband. She laments that she married young and never got to experience the freedom of being single in her twenties. She is wistful about what she may have missed. Dean apparently loves Marisa more than she loves him, which works out. Oh, Marisa – the grass is always greener, but the bank account doesn't get any greener than a Zanuck fortune. Don't push your luck. Brandi is a bit bent out of shape by Marisa's attitude.


Taylor 'I only have eyes for Gin!' Armstrong #GimmeGimme

Mauricio tries to make peace with Ken by gifting him with a rare bottle of gin and apology. Ken is accepting but a little distant, or so Mauricio thinks. Taylor is present for the spiel about the gin and how expensive and precious it is and her eyes are about popping out her head she's ogling it so hard. I swear she was about to reach out and grab it and scream "Gimme!" I was worried Ken was going to get mugged in the parking lot for the booze by super lips. Taylor is being sued and has debt up the wazoo she can't afford expensive gin. Maybe that's why she drinks so much at parties?

Ken and Lisa leave early citing having something to take care. Probably some nonsense at Sur. Did Kristen's boyfriend sleep without someone in high school and she just found out and is now threatening to slit her wrists with a bread knife. Oh whoops wrong group of overly-dramatic fame whores! 

Mauricio thinks Lisa blew him off as she walked out because she didn't want to stop and tell him the whole story. Apparently Mauricio doesn't get the concept of having something to do. He really is as self-involved as Kyle! And he's also just as whiny and petulant. He tells Kyle he thinks Lisa is mad and she talks him down from the edge. Keep the bread knifes locked up! 



Please save Kyle from herself. I mean that headband – c'mon! 



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