Last night was the first installment of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. Kenya Moore lived in the hot seat this reunion as she got it from all the ladies (even Andy Cohen!), so that must explain why she was constantly fanning herself. Reunions By Krayonce!
This whole reunion could be photo-capped with the fantastic facial expressions of both Phaedra Parks and Krayonce. Everybody knows a picture is worth 1000 words. Both ladies threw shade at each other up one side and down the other, but Phaedra and her legalese definitely trumped Miss WHO-S-A. Sorry!
Kenya brought two accessories besides a full arsenal of nonsense: a fan and illusion netting. Illusion netting!
Girl was also shades of radioactive orange not found in nature that only seemed to glow more and more ominously as the snark got heaped on her in spades. Kenya was twisting like a tornado trying to twirl her way out of the insults. As Phaedra pointed out, that fan was a weak defense and she better have something stronger if she wants to battle!
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Andy opens things up by asking Kandi Burruss about the Wigtastic lawsuit she filed in federal court. Kandi's short and sweet description: She is not about to let Wigs-n-Cigs continue to profit off something she doesn't own. End of story.
Then the crazy begins. Phaedra and her much discussed thong "cover-up" takes the stage. Apparently Phaedra, a long-time supporter of the artistic body as given to us by the lord to appreciate with splendor, has no problem showing off her womanly wares. I just hope she wore sunscreen 'cause the tanlines from that mesh thing would have been tragic. Unsurprisingly Krayonce, her fan, and her radioactive glow were offended that an "overweight" person dare leave the house in less than a mu-mu. That's just sooo un-Gone With The Wind Fabulous!
"Everyone here is a lady… well at least a female," Phaedra quips before they get into Kenya and Apollo inappropriately flirting in Anguilla. Apollo and Phaedra apparently had a "conversation" about his behavior. I wonder if said conversation involved an intimate encounter with a Phaedra Sparks Taser?
Then we are unfortunately treated to a flashback reel of Krayonce's antics over the season. Was she embarrassed seeing it all played back? It gave me a residual migraine. Kenya's latest personality is Geisha With Fan Of Delusion. She's very versatile.
And let's talk the fan, shall we? It was the special guest of the hour. I'm betting Andy put a moratorium on twirling so a fan flutter served as her twirl-lite. Whatever the case I truly expect that her next song will be called Memoirs Of A Geisha Fantastic …And Flick! …And Flick! …And Flick!
Kandi and NeNe Leakes start arguing about the LA dinner party and why they hate each other. Kandi feels like NeNe knew they were coming late and should have let them in anyway. NeNe disagrees given that it was a scheduled dinner party with other guests. I feel like both ladies had a point and moving on.
They go back and forth about whether or not NeNe and Kandi throw shade at each other. NeNe believes she's just offering constructive criticism and Kandi cannot dish it out but also take it. Frankly, I think NENE is the one who cannot dish it out and take it. She says whatever she wants about the ladies and thinks it's all funny and amusing, but as soon as she receives the slightest comment from anyone else she is all over them like gravy on a turkey. It's a little one-sided and silly. I still have NO clue where this animosity between NeNe, Kandi, and Phaedra started but my personal belief is that NeNe doesn't like that she can't control and intimidate those two.
Kenya is annoyed no one brought her flowers and called to check in when she learned she may have cancer. Porsha comments about Kenya claiming that learning she was cancer-free gave her a new perspective on causing drama. Everyone on the stage silently wonders when exactly the new Zen Kenya (Zenya? Zenyonce?) is going to emerge. I bet that will happen about the time she retires from RHOA, because at no point in time is she going to give up her most successful "acting" gig to date.
"At the end of the day if you want people's support, you need to reach out and be supportive to other people," Porsha and her new-found confidence instruct. I guess she is trying to shed that dumb-girl image… Kenya retaliates by flipping her fan in Kandi's face about 300 times. When she doesn't like what she hears she just starts flapping that thing around. It's better than her leaping up and twirling all over the stage. "You say I'm a bitch, I say I'm fantabulous! Please! Please! Please!"
Porsha and Kenya and their season's worth of arguing is relived. It was even more ridiculous the second time. Ashy feet, mistaken titles, ageism – these two are a hot mess. They need couples counseling! They are like a co-dependent relationship – they cannot leave each other alone but they cannot stop with the drama.
Kenya is still offended that Porsha screwed up her title, which Porsha dismisses as Miss USA just wears a bathing suit while Miss America is the impressive one. "Everyone knows that Miss USA is the girl you want to be," Kenya says reciting one of the cue cards the organization sent her. Andy says he doesn't think anyone knows that. Awkward!
Porsha wonders why Krayonce has never acknowledged the true first black Miss USA, Carole Ann Gist. Kenya retaliates by fanning herself. Maybe she thinks she'll blow Porsha out of the room?
Porsha defends her marriage and wonders about what she perceives as Kenya's "irrational hate" towards her. Kenya believes Porsha's whole existence on the show is about arguing with her. Everyone agrees that Kenya asking Porsha to come to the party as BAPS was definitely grounded in shade. Kenya says she made a mistake even inviting Porsha. Porsha retorts that she is "bitter and aggressive."
Kenya fans herself and poor Kandi is practically sitting in Porsha's lap cause she has to keep inching further and further away to avoid getting whacked in the face by Flutters the Hyperactive Fan. It's interesting and a little sad hearing Porsha defend her marriage when very shortly after this was filmed Kordell blindsided her with a divorce filing.
And then comes donkeybooty-gate. Again with this ass-inine argument. Poor Kenya was soon the butt of many of Phaedra's snarky and piercing comments as she fanned her tears dry and tried to swallow her rage. Phaedra too had quite a few moments where you know she was struggling to remain composed, like when Andy showed a video clip of Kenya mocking her in the Gone With The Wind Fabulous video. Oh Phaedra looked like she choked on some canned food during that segment.
Andy wonders if Kenya had planned to make a workout DVD pre-Phaedra and Kenya admits she wasn't but it made sense since she had the deal in place and was known for her body on men's magazines. Kenya also claims that since she actually producers multi-million dollar films she doesn't need to make a workout DVD. And what films are those again?
Phaedra is quick to point out that "Made In Mexico" booty is not her body and Kenya seethes that she doesn't mind being "Silicone Barbie" because it's better than being "overweight." And she kept fanning away. Instead of the fan I guess Kenya could #twirl her finger beside her head, but that's also the universal sign for crazy.
They argue back and forth about whose DVD is selling more and who is Amazon's top seller and who has real vs. fake reviews. Andy comments that he hasn't seen where Kenya's has out-sold Phaedra's. I think they're both ridiculous over this. As they cut each other "to the white meat" back and forth, Andy and the other ladies giggle and laugh – and Andy directly supported Phaedra on several points. It seemed like they all supported Phaedra ripping Kenya to shreds, which was interesting! Does no one like Kenya?
Kenya says Phaedra wasn't relevant until she came on this show, a point Andy quickly disputes.
Phaedra finds it interesting that when Kenya was securing a distribution deal and trying to make money off her booty, Kenya had nary a thing to say about the shape Phaedra was in. True, True… And furthermore for Kenya's miraculous distribution deal and fabulous booty, her DVD is in the same place Phaedra's is sales wise. "Twirl on that," Phaedra snaps! Andy must have Kenya strapped to that chair cause girl did not leap up and spin around once.
Kenya says she was just trying to make Phaedra feel better about the product she was selling, despite being "overweight" and out of shape. Kenya believes Phaedra has no business making a fitness tape when her BMI is too high and she is frankly fat.
Ok – I am SO tired of Kenya calling Phaedra fat! Phaedra isn't fat, she's not Cynthia but neither is freaking Kenya! No, Phaedra should not have called Kenya mentally ill – that was low and trashy – and yes, questioning whether or not she was is alcoholic was inappropriate, but Kenya has displayed some truly insane and questionable behaviors this season that have had ALL the ladies wondering if she's got all her marbles in tow.
Kenya says Phaedra slandered her by making those allegations, and continues to insult her weight. "Nothing is original about you darling," says Phaedra. "You've been acting like you're Beyonce! You got a fake boyfriend, a fake house, a fake booty…"
Andy puts up a clip of the GWTWF video and Phaedra tries her darndest to swallow her pride. "We've got single white female and we've got black delusional Kenya," she comments while NeNe cackles. Kenya tries to insult Phaedra's career as an attorney and then they get into it over Kenya dressing up as Phaedra at NeNe's party.
Kenya says her reasoning for wearing that was to combat the smear campaign Phaedra started against her. It just gets nastier and nastier until Kenya starts to smoke.
"Don't come for me unless I send for you," Kenya yells. Kenya starts losing it and threatens to leap across the sofa and knock Phaedra's teeth out, pregnant or not. Ouch! "I was hoping you were drunk cause that would've given you an excuse," says Phaedra on Krayonce. Classic.
And next week Kim returns and Flutters the Hyperactive Fan continues to terrorize the stage. Lord help us all. NeNe and Phaedra get into it and I have no idea what is the reason for that!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – THOUGHTS ON THE REUNION? CHECK MATE GOES TO: PHAEDRA OR KENYA? IS KENYA CRAZY OR JUST ACTING?