Ok… here we go again! It's another fashionably-challenged delusionaly-inspired hour of Real Housewives of New Jersey!
Things begin with yet another fight about Melissa Gorga allegedly cheating on Joe Gorga. I was rolling my eyes and guzzling my wine with my Milania Hair Care Hairmuffs on so I really don't know what that man was yammering on about. I was all prepared to throw my wine glass at the TV in my own Incredible Hulk Man-angsty moment when Bravo flashed us back 12 hours earlier.
And I really wish I had been prepared with my blinders on! We are greeted by Poison grinding his junk in Melissa's face. 'Happy Birthday baby – just call me Justin Timberlake cause I got you some d*ck in a box!' Melissa is like 'Where? I don't see it… Oh. Yeah that little guy. Awwww… thanks… Hi TUHREEEZA!" If I got Poison's junk in my face for a birthday gift I would cancel birthdays for the rest of my life. And Melissa had never been so happy to see her sister-in-law.
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Teresa Giudice bursts in and the present she got Melissa was no better. It was a thong with the word "Peace" on it. Yeah, she gave her SIL a thong – and it wasn't a joke. She thought it would inspire family unity. That's like some icky hillbilly grossness, but whatever Poison was leering so I guess he was excited about the prospect of a piece of peace!
Then they all headed out to go play some zennis where Melissa wore her new present. Oh just kidding – she was slightly more covered than that! She and Teresa rocked sports bras and tried to compete over who had the best lipo'd stomach. Just wait til Jacqueline Laurita debuts hers in a couple months.
Before all that happened though, the Wallpapers headed out for a family walk. Richie was wearing some plaid hot pants with a popped collared polo per the height of 80's fashion. He probably drives a DeLorean too. Rosie had a meltdown about how no one appreciates her and Kathy Wakile warbled about how she can defend herself but sympathizes with Rosie feeling like she's not good enough. Rosie chucked a water bottle in a fit of pique and Kathy picked it up cause littering is bad, guys! Listen Rosie – go hit up Jacqueline. She has some wine and some tranquilizers. You'll be good! Warning: do not use while tweeting.
Then Caroline Manzo and Al head to a spa where they do not get spa treatments, but instead talk about the Horse Whisperer and raising kids. SOOOO romantical guys. It's a miracle they had any children at all!
Turkey baster? I so don't care about them, so next!
And back to zennis. Zennis is Zen Tennis, which means no competitiveness. The instructor tells the ladies to check their egos and their competitive spirits at the door. She is obviously not aware; the people of RHONJ do not check their egos – or their bank accounts. And they also do not check out their outfits in a full-length mirror. Teresa and Melissa had on Sporty Spice costumes, plus Teresa was rocking her hairmet.
To be specific, Teresa was wearing a crop top and some cameltoe creeping Nacho Libre leggings. Milania would not approve and I'm pretty sure the luminescent licra was being eaten by her chuckalinia. I just threw up. I must die now. Seriously, I'm a zombie.
Heeeey laaaadieeez! Daddy's coming…
Meanwhile the menz go hang out by the pool where Richie struts around with a popped collar expecting ladies to lunge at him. Instead all the women flee. Richie is devastated. According to Maxim's August 1985 edition when the collar is popped, the panties will drop. Men of RHONJ: Scarring women since… well, forever! #WeDontWantNoScrubs
And from zennis we go hop on a highwire for some death defying stunts… and death defying outfits. Melissa is about to have a nipslip on said highwire because she is wearing a fringed strapless bikini top with short-shorts to do truthing exercises from 10,000 feet. Ok, it was 30 feet up but still TOO HIGH FOR HOT PANTS! I'm thinking flashing your truthing partner is not the type of exposing yourself the therapists were hoping for.
The point of this latest zen/therapy/loveeachother nonsense was to get a partner and go on parallel highwires supporting each other across. Unfortunately all were wearing harnesses, which didn't bode well for Melissa's potential tan lines. Exactly how many fringed bikini tops does this woman own? Did she buy all the stock of them from everywhere? I mean maybe she was afraid if she didn't buy them all Teresa would. Or maybe they came from Teresa's Bankruptcy Liquidation Yardsale? Whatever – put some clothes on.
Poison and Teresa go first. Yada, yada, yada… they survive. Melissa and Teresa go last. Melissa promises to trust Teresa "for today". Teresa goes on and on about communication and crap. They fall. They survive. Everyone cheers and cries. All the while, Poison is on twitter stalking Penny Karagiorgis to see what she's tweeting about Melissa's extramarital adventures. I'm sure they involved a fringed bikini top.
Caroline says this latest reunification stunt is just that – a stunt. Yeppers. And on to dinner where we will celebrate Melissa's birthday with NO. MORE. THERAPY. Bring back the fighting instead!
Getting ready Melissa spends about 40 minutes applying tar to her eyelids while Poison gets worked up into a frenzy about cheating and Teresa's involvement/lies.
Everyone has set aside their raunch-wear for dinner except for Melissa who has busted out another Lookers! costume in the form of a sequined hot pants romper. Then she makes a toast thanking everyone and congratulating their effort – even Juicy – but she leaves out Teresa. Did something similar happen last year? Is this deja Jersey?
Caroline has this look about her face. It was the Caroline sour stare that comes right before she's about to dispense some potent advice and tell you how wrong and stupid and terrible and horrible you are. 'Lemme tell you somthin … yous better just get it all out there. Like diarrhea. Like take the ipecac and just puke your guts out. Create some drama cause mama don't get paid if we're all hugs and tears and love in crap. So you put it out there cause you're FAMBLY. And Fambly fights hard and throws crap and spreads lies but you're still fambly! Now hug each other.'
It's so clear Caroline hates all of her cast mates so why is she on the show? I mean hate them too, so I sympathize, but still!
After dinner Juicy makes a joke about no more zen shit after singing 'On Display' while Melissa croaks about being sick and not being able to sing. Only cause she's sick! And then Caroline tells them to just clear the air. Which means it's time for Poison to throw a whiny baby poop pants tantrum! Waaaah! I have no storyline if I don't hate my sister!
It just goes on and on and on about how Teresa was involved in spreading lies about Melissa cheating. And she was involved with Penny and perpetrating the accusations against Melissa. Whatever – who cares. Interestingly Teresa denies telling Penny any "secrets" about Melissa and Joe. Interesting choice of words. Secrets, eh.
Secrets as in there may be truth to the rumors?
Teresa: Just apologize. Melissa: Just stop playing victim. Poison: Just shut up and go away. Look I solved everything.
Apparently Teresa has NO idea what it's like to have people accuse her spouse of cheating. And it was just more of the same nonsense. Then he flings his wine glass into the fireplace and Teresa wails that a piece almost flew into her eye. Maybe it would help her see more clearly that Juicy is a loser.
Teresa admits nothing, per the usual. Melissa stares off into space and imagines herself doing some J. Faux karaoke in a fringe bikini top. OOOh! Maybe she can entice P. Diddy and leave Poison. Jacqueline lies down to take a wine-induced slumber. Rosie mumbles. Juicy makes a phone call. And Caroline and Kathy jump in and start lecturing them about banding together to defeat Penny.
Come one, come all. It was rousing. It was moving. Teresa and Poison were nodding like they had some semblance of a brain to piece together this complex thought known as getting along. Okaaay, Okaaaay, Teresa nasaled, 'I get it. We like say we like each other and Penny is like lyin and stuff so we're on like the same team. Okaaaay. Like twins. Like one. Like together.' Poison nodded himself into a seizure. And dare I say it, a peace treaty was reached.
So they're all gonna like ban together to like confront Penny and tell her to stop with the lies. Well that was an inspiring pep talk. Go team Gorgadice. And I'm pretty sure they'll lose…
Next week Penny gets confronted and Jacqueline speaks out on autism.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – HOW MANY FRINGE BIKINIS DOES MELISSA OWN? WILL THEY BE ABLE TO GET ALONG TO PRESENT A UNIFIED FRONT AGAINST PENNY?