Last night things were starting to settle in on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Everything that is except Carlton Gebbia who really cannot f–king deal with anyone and is over everything. Oh and Brandi Glanville's face – that's not settling either. She better watch it or she'll be turning into her arch-nemesis Adrienne Maloof!
Unfortunately the show began on a sour note. Poor Yolanda Foster is bravely taking us through her health journey battling Lyme Disease, which sounds horrible. I am seriously never going into the woods again. No, No, No!
Lemanda is undergoing surgery to remove a tube that sends antibiotics straight to her bloodstream and to celebrate she's doing a master cleanse instead of having a drink. I will never understand - pass me the alcohol!
Gawd, do I sound like Brandi. #EpicFail. Even Yolanda's housekeeper is master cleansing and dividing all the lemonstrocity juice into a million Fuji bottles. Lemon does know how bad that is for the environment, right?
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Yolanda heads into surgery while espousing about how supportive David is for adhering to his vows. Apparently a rarity in the land of superficial Beverly Hills where in sickness and in health actually means in hotness and in youth. Yolanda is gorgeous this season, whatever is going on she looks younger, fresher, and has opposable facial muscles!
Lisa Vanderpump's time on Dancing With The Stars may as well be called a license to semi-cheat. Lisa is busting a move and grinding hips with hottie Gleb and having not having a care in the world what ol' Ken thinks! Dancing is perfect for Lisa because it simulates sex without actually involving any actual sexytimes. Ken might be able to get it like 10 times a year if he learned to waltz!
Kyle Richards, Brandi, and Kim Richards sit in the audience to watch one of Lisa's performances. Kyle wants to be lauded as a saint for yet again reaching out to Lisa and trying to rebuild their friendship. To which we all respond with, 'Yeah right, Kyle. You went for camera time." Also joining – a blast from the past who has worked hard for this zip code and then decided she'd never make it after all. Yep, I'm looking at you Loony Lips Taylor Armstrong. Taylor has her attorney-turned affair-turned boyfriend-turned fiance with her and she's been spending most of her time in Colorado. As Lisa later puts it, Kyle is really striking out in the friends department this season. Cue to cozy up to Kim and desperately try and recruit Brandi.
Lisa's performance is adorable. Afterwards they all go to dinner where Gleb jokes with Lisa about the moves she likes as Kyle lemon-faced puckers and fake laughs super loud. Ken jokes about being occupied with other ladies who like to move their bodies and he picks up Brandi. I worried he'd need another hip replacement.
In other Brandi activities – she's moving! She's moving back up the ladder. "Better to be going up than going down…Maybe. Sometimes going down is fun," she laughs. Does she mean falling down drunk or going down with realtors?
Brandi's very sweet mommy has flown in to help with the big move and she didn't seem all that impressed with the new house. Apparently Brandi's dad isn't all that impressed with her either – specifically her boob-tastic Oscar dress, so they're not speaking. It wasn't that bad just really ill-fitted and kinda tacky. You know, perfect for Brandi-wine!
Brandi then unscrews a bottle of bright pink wine and chugs some straight from the bottle (no really) before delving into a book of her adolescent poetry. She tells us she's always been a writer and the poems are hilariously goofy and teenagery and funny. Brandi and her mom are adorable together and that was a fun scene.
Next we check in with Carlton, whose house is decorated like the castle/torture chamber/medieval museum of her childhood dreams. Something tells me Carlton did not play with Barbies as a kid.
Carlton is married to a filthy rich athlete manager (think Jerry McGuire) and likes to say the f-word. A lot. Even in front of her kids, who have been waned not to repeat it. Just on that note alone we know Kyle's face is perma-pursed and she's gonna hipflip herself into a pseudo flustered gripping her pearls frenzy. That's not the only thing Scary Story, Magical Ray, and Vampire (whatever her kid's names are) are forced to endure. They must undergo a parental bootcamp which includes running in circles around their swing sets in private school uniforms while Daddy barks orders. Then Carlton makes them cook things. Like actual food items in the kitchen. Isn't that what the maid is for?
Carlton visits Splits' house where she is required to undergo some sort of new girl hazing lunch. Said lunch also involves Joyce Giraud, her hair, her snort, her bee allergy, and her extremely long-winded husband gushing. Oh and hairflips! Double the hairflips this season. Lord there is not even wine in the world for me to remain patient until Splits and Joyce get into a hair-off.
Kyle has replaced Faye with a new friend named Sharon. Sharon at least seems palatable and looks like a person not a refried nacho-cheese dip glob with some tinsel for hair. So Sharon you win for looking human! Although you lose for liking Kyle. 0-0.
Over lunch Kyle interrupts Carlton's story about a riveting cat travail to offer wine and Carlton makes a note in her little book about Kyle's first infraction. Is this a British thing? Kyle demands Sharon kill a bee because both Kyle and Joyce are allergic. Are these two separated at birth?! You have got to be kidding me – they're like the same. exact. person. Like Twins! Same hair, same allergies, same snorts, same propensity for talking about themselves like anyone cares. This is like for realz scary y'all!
Then Joyce and Carlton describe how they met their hubbies. Carlton got in a bar fight. And Joyce on a blind date through a beauty-queens-seeking-sugar-daddies matchmaking agency. In both cases it was love at first site. They did not feel likewise about each other.
Now over to a lunch that's actually enjoyable! Lisa invites Brandi and Yolanda over since she's been in Florida receiving treatment. Lisa's home and her hostessing skills are sublime. Yolanda fills the ladies in on doing brain exercises as part of her therapy and Lisa suggests Brandi do some as well. Brandi makes a Kyle Richards sour face at the joke and then makes a Kyle Richards fake guffaw. Either this was filmed out of sequence or Brandi has been secretly metamorphasizing into Kyle. I noticed her hair is getting suspiciously long.
Anyway, Brandi didn't find it funny. She did however find it funny when Lisa and Yolanda discussed making amends with Kyle and Lisa said they would get real close if Yolanda was putting her house on the market. Hint, Hint. Maybe Yolanda should offer to list her ocean-front property in Arizona and see what happens. Includes Lemon trees!
Lisa also refers to Faye as "Faye Rancid" and admits it's a "little too bitchy". Is it wrong that that I like Lisa best when she's "too bitchy"?
Taking a break from dancing and Giggy-doting, Lisa and Ken are building a new gay bar. They're having mad issues with ur-rhine-als, aka urinals. There aren't enough, there's no place to put them, there not pink and sparkly enough, they need to flush diamond water – you know big dilemmas. Lisa is also concerned that DWTS is coming to an end as she feels it's her elimination time. Ken is devastated, 'But darling,' he encourages, 'Your figure looks 25 again and I was hoping to get to see it on my birthday next month.'
Perhaps it was foreshadowing but that night as Kim and Kyle watch from Kyle's media room, Lisa faints during rehearsal. It was the most perfectly elegant, romance novel faint ever. Which has Kim and Kyle immediately suspecting Lisa faked it as a way to get out of the show and get some attention.
"A-HA!," Kyle shrieks jumping out of her monogrammed movie seat scattering Sweet Tarts everywhere, "That wasn't real! She faked it! She's fake! Kim, she's fake!" Then they proceed to reenact Lisa's faux-faint and discuss how it was oh-so-faux because, as Kim puts it, Lisa's not an actress. Kim would know…
Oh yeah, more nonsense happened with Kim's dog. She hired a trainer and the dog attacked the trainer. I mean at least she loves the damn thing. The dog, I mean – not the trainer. Although that could be a good storyline!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – IS CARLTON OVER-SENSITIVE OR IS KYLE RUDE? DID LISA FAKE HER FAINTING?