Stassi Schroeder is up to her same antics of systematically destroying everyone around her. Thankfully Vanderpump Rules favorite sociopath hasn't changed. Where are the proper authorities?

Last night Stassi cemented that Scheana Marie, briefly her friend, was once again her enemy. Stassi believes that Scheana is on an unrelenting quest to become her, to like BE Stassi. Which would mean Scheana also wants to be WITH Jax Taylor.

Speaking of Jax, I'd like to take an informal poll on how high we think his IQ is: 3? 8? Maybe 15 on a generous day? Despite being humiliated and constantly berated by Stassi he desperately wants her back. So desperately that he got a secret tattoo to prove his love. She maintains he isn't doing anything to earn her trust back except give her truly exceptional sex with lots of acrobatics and WWF maneuvers. #gag

Over at SUR things are still topsy-turvy. Strangely it's not decimating business so Lisa Vanderpump decides to install a new bar in the garden. With construction underway she now needs to find the perfect sexy bartender. Not Jax! Oh no – his crazy is old news slimy like fruit a couple days past the expiration date. Someone different… someone outside the incestuous cess pool. Someone like Katie Maloney's boyfriend Tom. Enter Tom 2. 


I will say Tom 2, despite fighting with Scheana's emotionally break-downin' man (hey – that's something she and Stassi have in common!) is pretty cute and charming. Katie says Tom 2 needs a job because they have "talked about marriage" and he needs the money to buy her an engagement ring. Translation: Katie desperately wants Tom to propose, but he needs money to take a trip to Vegas with his braws Jax and Tom 1 where he will proceed to cheat on her with a cocktail waitress. Or maybe he just needs money for MORE HAIR GEL. 

Whatever the case, he lands an interview and aces it because he's cute, well-spoken, experienced, and an A+ expert in sucking up to Lisa. And the job is his… until Scheana fills Lisa in on a little drama. Lisa was averse to hiring Tom 2 because she was tired of staff interpersonal drama dominating business because otherwise she wouldn't have a reality show… Tom 2 had promised none of the nonsense, enter Scheana… 

Scheana has sprained her ankle prancing around in flipflops at the pool so she goes over to Lisa's house to plead distress, get out of work, and tattle on Tom 2 for getting in a fight with Shay. Seriously – stop with these ridiculous stage names people. Your name is not Shay, it's probably Steven. Or Tom! Speaking of which, no job for Tom 2. Where is Peter?!

Meanwhile Jax is getting his tribal tattoo covered up with a goldfish and some hibiscus flowers because in accordance to Stassi's Rules For Being Her Boyfriend (manual available for $9.99 plus S&H)  tribal tats are a NO. Also a no: cheating, spraying Axe cologne on your balls, and having any of your own opinions. Allowed: microscopic man vests (mests?), regular pleading, crying, tantrums about unrequited love, and over-priced dinners lavished on her. 

Jax gets the tattoo covered and then asks Stassi out on a date. She's like maybe but first I gotta go deal with something. Something like SCHEANA THAT F–KING BITCH! Did I mention Pandora offered Scheana a job writing about makeup for her fashion website Divine Addiction – let's shamelessly plug that some more, Bravo! When is Pandy getting her own show? 

Stassi, who doesn't consider herself a blogger cause that's like a joke but wants to be in the fashion business as a writer, has been majorly slacking off on her writing assignments especially given that it's unpaid and Pandora has unrealistic expectations like wanting her to actually write. Stassi's too busy hating people, plotting their mutilation, laughing at how pathetic they are when they grovel, and slinging drinks with a dress up to her hoo-ha while her tiara waits at home. So Pandora needs more writers and now that Scheana is disabled she can write about makeup.

When Stassi discovers that Scheana is crouching her job she goes ballistic on Pandora, who can barely restrain her grin. "I thought she was a pop star? This is an absolute joke," Stassi screeches. Stassi feels Scheana is only qualified to do makeup at Disney World on 5-year-olds wanting a pretty, pretty fairy princess make-over. Or Drag Queens. RuPaul is totally stoning Stassi right now. Furthermore, Scheana is an idiot with the vocabulary of Britney Spears. But as it turns out she has a journalism degree. Stassi loses it, throws a temper tantrum and accuses Scheana of wanting to be her. Because she has a journalism degree? 

Then they get into a fight outside SUR because Scheana refuses to back down to Stassi's demands and quit working for Pandora's magazine. Everyone's also pissed over the Tom 2 debacle and how Scheana ruined his job prospects and is stalking Stassi. 

Scehana, who is in charge of seating and reservations while her ankle heals, retaliates by constantly seating Stassi's section right before her shift ends so Stassi just changes her clothes and bails but not before berating Scheana in the bathroom to Katie and her other BFF, who I might mention hates Jax and is just like Stassi! The grape doesn't fall far from the vine in the mean girl department. 

Stassi heads off for her "date" with Jax, one he spent an agonizingly long time getting ready for. I think a straight iron, several outfit changes, and a can of hairspray straight to the brainstem was involved. He's not showing her the tattoo yet – he's saving it for when she's ready to accept his love. Dinner goes horribly with lots of whining and passive aggressive maneuvering and her leaving midway through the meal. 

It culminates with a screaming, sobbing fight on the way home. Jax being the screaming sobbing one while Stassi said things like "I don't care" and "I refuse to feel bad for you." Which is what she also told Scheana before dismissing her to hobble away and threatening to beat her with her crutches. Anyway, Jax and Stassi aren't back together! I think it's a requirement that all the men on this show sob while the women are stone-cold ball busters. 

And neither are Kristen Doute and Tom 1. Although he's trying to prove himself – ineptly – by putting together an Ikea coffee table whilst she doesn't even bother to constrain her hatred for him. I see this relationship going places! 

Next week Scheana is still ostracized and the rest of the group takes a trip where they get wasted, fight, and have emotional meltdowns. Can't wait! 

[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]


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