Here's an odd combination: men with breast cancer and burlesque parties for your boss. Or if you are a cast member on Vanderpump Rules it's all in a day's work!
Last night Lisa Vanderpump's business partner Nathalie decided to throw a surprise burlesque party for her husband Guillermo. Naturally they decided it was wholly appropriate for Stassi Schroeder and Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Friend No. 1, Katie Maloney to do a burlesque performance for their boss. Apparently those two loons took burlesque lessons a couple years ago, but they actually suck at burlesque and only took the classes so when they get drunk at the bar they can grind on each other to attract boys.
Stassi suggests that she just shake her fake boobies and call it day. Luckily Nathalie has the foresight to hire real burlesque dancers and they will happily wear nipple tassels. Stassi looks down at her own boobies, realizes they're not nearly as perky and 3… 2… 1… begins stabbing Lari, Kari, and Scari (or whatever their names were) with a feathered headdress.
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Nobody cares about all that though because there's been a cancer scare! Stassi is over at Kristen Doute's house STYLING HER FOR HER PASSPORT PHOTO (these imbeciles realize it's a headshot right?!) when she gets a phone call from Jax Taylor, who is at the hospital cause he found a lump in his moob and now thinks he has breast cancer. Really.
Stassi is like 'Dude… that sucks. Are you gonna take your implants out?' And Kristen is like, 'The only other time I've styled myself for a photograph is when I got my mugshot. I was hot! Like the hottest mugshot in the slammer.' #Winning. Is that why Tom 1 chose her? He saw her photo on mugshots.com and thought that's gonna be my girl. Hottest lady in cell block A. Strangely Kristen wasn't in there for assault (yet). Stassi processes the information – can being hot at the precinct get you out of crimes cause if so she can totally weavesnatch Scheana and avoid going to jail. #Winning
So back to Jax, yep he found a lump. First Stassi thinks he's lying for attention. Of course. Then Stassi decides it's because he takes too many "workout supplements" and they're throwing his estrogen off balance. I think he's taking too much abuse from Stassi and that's throwing his estrogen off balance. He probably wouldn't need testosterone boosters if took his balls out of her purse.
Stassi goes over to Jax's house with a cake that says "No more supplements" or maybe it said Congrats on Not Having Cancer. I don't know, but no one ate the cake. Then Stassi berates Jax and throws away all his supplement crap. Jax is like… but…. I spent my lifesavings on that. That powder cost $100. Stassi laughs maliciously, dangles it in front of his face and then Oops! Drops it in the sink. Maybe Jax can reinvest his protein/steroid-ish budget on THERAPY.
Then Stassi yells at him about being a no-life loser because of his sweater line. Apparently Jax's ambition to create man-sweaters is an insult to all the people LIKE HER who have worked really, really hard in the fashion industry. Stassi's version "working really hard" in the fashion industry is styling Kristen's passport photo and repeatedly bailing on writing for Panodra's fashion blog to get drunk. #Winning
Jax realizes that's what Stassi's latest machavelian tactic is over jealousy – and he finally stands up for himself by demanding she act like a decent person and try to be sympathetic. She's like whatever and leaves. I think she took the cake.
In other issues, Kristen's boyfriend is alookin' elsewhere… and itsa kinda obvious! There's a new girl in town Arianna – she's Scheana Marie Famewhore's BFF and she can twerk while she werks. She has the greatest ass at SUR – says Scheana. She's too legit to quit. She's hammer time. She's ice, ice, baby. She's checking herself before she's wrecking herself. She's no diggity dog. She's Tom 1's bestie. Whoops – FAIL! And here I thought she was the golden ticket!
Tom 1 and Arianna go shopping together and basically talk about how they're friends who don't flirt. I really tuned out; who cares category. Tom should totally trade up though cause Kristen is lame. And I'm sure Arianna has a hotter mugshot.
Back at SUR some new famewhore aspiring named Dani goes and complains to Lisa that Tom and Arianna have a suspicious chemistry. Lisa correctly schools her on not starting drama because Tom and Arianna have a good working relationship. Kristen comes over to put her two cents in because Tom so did not cheat… This. Time.
Kristen is ready to muddle Dani with a bar tool when Lisa shoves her out front to sever some drinks. She points a finger in Dani's face and says There's only room for two Stassi's in this joint: Stassi and Arianna, now go serve a salad to an LA trophy wife.
Kristen is pissed. Later at the Burlesque-a-thon she confronts Dani about starting drama while Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Friend No 2, Kristina goads Dani along. Dang do not mess with a pack of desperate famewhores!
Dani says Kristen's creepy dysfunctional relationship is annoying, weird, and ruining everyone's work environment. Kristen stomps away and tells Tom 1 that the gossip is only making them stronger. Tom 1 is too busy eyeing Arianna's ass as she twerks while simultaneously mixing drinks. I hate twerking. Die, twerking, die!
Oh what else happened? Oh Scheana cried and threw a hissyfit because she wasn't asked to wear lingerie in front of Guillermo. She's a pop star/dancer/makeup blogger/mistress/adultress/professional hypocondriac/wannabe engaged/waitress/ annoying person who can't walk in heels, you know. As retaliation Scheana argues about getting the airbrushed mask the servers have to sport. Eventually she caves when Lisa threatens to make her close alone with Stassi.
Then Stassi and Katie do their embarrassing dance moves and no one laughed. Which was nice. Then Guillermo got a car. Then he spun the Price is Right prize wheel and won a vacation to Caracas. Then Lisa lectured Stassi on being an unsympathetic wench to Jax over the cancer scare. Stassi decides Jax wasn't lying about his cancer scare for attention after all. Sadly, in the course of trying to be empathetic, she lectures him on his drinking.
Poor Jax – he realizes that tattoo was a really big mistake. Guess Stassi isn't a million times better than a bottle of vodka. That was so two weeks ago!
And I realized this episode was kinda boring. I need more Peter.
[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – SHOULD TOM DUMP KRISTEN FOR ARIANNA? WHAT ABOUT JAX'S CANCER SCARE?