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Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta was all about parties that made no sense! 

Phaedra Parks and Dwight are hosting their annual 'What the hell is going on but Phaedra certainly never does anything half-assed' celebration. This year it's a naming ceremony for Mr. President. 

Dwight really needs to update both his Benz and his facelift – and he also needs to return that blazer to Dorothy Zbornak. Phaedra envisions an "Inaugural Ball" theme for her future leader of the free world. Let's give it up for the first president whose dad is in the slammer. Too soon?

They prance through the grounds discussing their plans for secret service, swing dancers, and miniature tuxedos. And possibly a waterfall-side mother-of-the-president skinny dip twerk. Thankfully that was nixed. These two have such good ideas: are they going to plan a pre-prison inauguration for Apollo before he heads into the Big House?

CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR MORE! 

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The true event of the party is that Apollo and Phaedra cannot stand each other. They are sniping and snapping and glaring left and right. Apollo refuses to do the 'first dance' with Phaedra who resorts to doing a fabulous swing dance with Dwight – and they did look amazing. Maybe she should divorce Apollo and marry Dwight – think of the wedding! 

Following last week's wine tasting, Cynthia Bailey and Kandi Burruss are annoyed with each other. Cynthia visits Peter ironically wearing black and white jail stripes to let him know that Kandi claims to know a lot of scandalous things about his past. Cynthia whines that she's Peter's present and future, so the past doesn't matter. So why is she asking him about it? Is it because she knows he's scandalous and untrustworthy? Check!

At Kandi's office she, Todd, and Don Juan discuss casting options for their play. Kandi suggests Porsha Stewart even though her singing is only so-so. Isn't it nice of Kandi to take pity on waiting for spousal support, living above her means Porsha so Coco, Chanel, and Bankruptcy don't lose their bedrooms to eviction!

Todd suggests Christopher. As in Natalie's common law "gift certificate" husband Christopher. Kandi tells Todd about Natalie calling him an "opportunist". Todd didn't seem all that miffed – he and Kandi truly do seem happy.

You know what: everyone needs to back off Todd! With all the the other ATL men being wrapped up in cheating, felonies, frauds, bankruptcies and tax liens, shady behavior, or NON EXISTENT! – Todd is definitely the keeper of the bunch! 

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Kenya Moore is going forward with her plans to have a baby without the assistance of a real-live man. Makes sense, since all her relationships are fantasy! She takes Aunt Lori to the fertility specialist to discuss getting pregnant in her 40-somethings.

I'm not sure why Krayonce was cackling scarily while she checked "Yes" to history of mental illness box on the health questionnaire. Signs she should probably stick to hauling the Velveteen Maltese all over the place – poor thing probably has all her fur "loved off" because Kenya squeezes her. 

The doctor jokingly suggests Kenya try a turkey baster. That was pretty much her entire plan with Walter last year, right? Get the man drunk, get the Thanksgiving fixings out, and nab some swimmers. Brings a whole new meaning to tryptophan coma! 

Kenya and Lawrence visit a sperm bank to find fantasy baby daddies. Miss Lawrence isn't a candidate?! As Kenya ticks off the important things: green eyes, slender nose, Michael Jordan – she leaves off the things like High IQ, nice person, and sane. 

Why can't Kenya's "African sweetie" just give her some swimmers while he's visiting. Oh wait… he's a phantom of her imagination!

Finally, the real scary business takes place! NeNe Leakes hosts a "pillow talk party" which she claims is like couples therapy. 

Silly me, I thought everyone really was going to be sitting around in PJs having wine and talking relationship stuff. Imagine my surprise when everyone showed up in lingerie and RiDICKulous' equivalent was serving drinks. Wasn't NeNe so scandalized by this ish when Kandi and Phaedra were throwing sex-themed parties? I ain't sayin' she's a hypocrite… 

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NeNe was um… anxious *or something* (#GeekingOut) because she was pacing around like she was stalking prey while wearing a stripper Tinker Bell costume. Girl… sit down. Literally. And put some pants on.

She claims the goal is so everyone can “talk to each other and move on." But she invited all people who have seriously crazy histories: like NatalieChristopher and the Chuck "Big Homie" Smiths. I felt like I was watching a horror movie; you know yelling at the TV, 'Don't go over there – the killer is over there!!' The suspense was intense. 

NeNe was barking out embarrassing questions at the ladies like demanding Porsha answer if she would be ok with her partner being "bi-sexual". A: Porsha is only interested in people who are "Porsha-sexual". It seriously went beyond-beyond shade – it was torture tactics. Housewives waterboarding, if you will. Someone needed to get the tranquilizer gun out on NeNe, the rabid dominatrix party hostess. 

NeNe was furious that Kenya was late. When Kenya waltzed in in a thong bustier getup hauling her assistant Brandon with her, NeNe lost it. 

That's when the games really began! 

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A question about strip clubs arose that caused Peter and Apollo to become very defensive. Kandi outed Peter on his strip club activities after he lied saying he goes there to conduct business. She reminded him of the time she saw him getting a lap dance. Apollo freaked out because if he wants to spend $5k per week (insert Phaedra's very obvious mouth drop here) that's his money. Kenya wants to know where Apollo is getting $5-8k per week. #CheckHisCharges 

Aside: In REAL TIME this party happened days after Apollo was served with a federal warrant over his financial schemes. Guess the lid was blown off the pot for ol' Phae-Phae there as she realized Apollo probably was up to the dirty deed if he and Old Man Grifter were blowing $8k per week on ladies not their wives from money not legally obtained. Oops! 

Out of the blue, NeNe asks Kenya to clarify the comments she made referring to Natalie and Christopher's marriage as common law. And Kenya, to this woman's credit, does not back down (pun intended!). She stands up so Natalie knows she is "Front pedaling, not back pedaling" and Christopher grabs at her.

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Kenya rightfully tells Christopher not to put his hands on her, while suggesting Natalie "adjust her tuck" and all hell breaks loose. Brandon leaps up to defend his paycheck so Apollo and Peter go straight prison yard on poor Brandon in his red silkies!

While Todd is holding Christopher back (as he pathetically swings a potted plant in Kenya's direction), Peter is holds Brandon down on an adult-sized beanbag chair while Apollo pummels him in a blind rage! Kenya and Phaedra are both behind Apollo screaming and trying to pull him away.

WHY DIDN'T PHAEDRA GET OUT HER PHAEDRA SPARKS TASER?! PERFECT TIME FOR ADVERTISING! AND WHERE WAS KENYA'S SECCCCCCCCRRRRRRRTYYY!? 

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Then Apollo turns away from Brandon to SHOVE Phaedra! Why was Apollo even involved – why was he beating on Brandon?! I feel like we're not getting the whole story here, Bravo! Eventually the producers are forced to jump in. You would think it was over, but then NeNe starts coming at Kenya for ruining the party! 

Apparently if Kenya would have stayed in her seat everything would have been fine? Um… No. NeNe instigated all the drama and brought up the Natalie/Christopher debacle and then blamed Kenya! And kudos to Krayonce for NOT backing down to NeNe's outlandishness. 

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Just when we think things are subdued, Apollo breaks free of Phaedra's rationality and tries to come at Brandon again. And that's where it ends.

My favorite part of the entire fight was Gregg Leakes standing peaceably on the sidelines in his professor glasses going mmmmm, mmmm, mmmm and probably wondering if he can make it to the bar for another jack and coke. Also Chuck, the big homie, was cowering in a corner behind his wife. 

[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]

TELL US – THOUGHTS? WHY WAS APOLLO SO PISSED AT BRANDON? WAS KENYA TO BLAME FOR THE FIGHT?

 

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