Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills two things of note happened: 1) Carlton Gebbia proved that she is actually insane and 2) Kim Richards' googly-eyed participation in a Has-been Celebrity Convention where she cuddled a werepuppy. Also Yolanda Foster got annoyed that the allure of her lemontology wasn't strong enough for Lisa Vanderpump to skip a business meeting. That's Lisa, babe!
Things begin at Carlton's house, which looks like it sits in an abandoned lot outside the airport. There's no landscaping which sucks if you're inviting a zillion people to a daytime pool party in JULY. I know why Carlton's skin looks like a dehydrated orange peel!
The whole theme of this party is "Americana" except… all the decorations came from Hustler and Carlton wore a sequined bikini from a 1992 Victoria's Secret catalog. And there were no shade tents – we Americans really like covered pavilions. Carlton ships her kids away to their grandmother's and warns them she may embarrass them, which is the understatement of Carlton's appearance on this show. Everything she does is embarrassing!
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She bodypainted some poor women under the guise of celebrating them and made some other poor women do tricks on a stripper pole in the blazing sun and everyone pretended to be having fun at this risque and cheeky party. What Carlton's party really needed was a Lysol slip-n-slide.
Brandi Glanville and Lisa got into a tiff because Lisa asked her if she'd had her hand looked at and Brandi whined that Lisa is trying to make her feel bad. Yolanda suggested Lisa back-off. Personally I thought Lisa looked hurt by Brandi's meltdown and I don't think she is trying to make Brandi feel like "shit", but is concerned. I mean Brandi thinks because she called her mom who lives in Sacramento and used to be a nurse she doesn't need to see a doctor. Um…
Kyle Richards, trying to be nice, asked Carlton if her new tattoo was a Star of David and Carlton cussed her out for insulting her religion and being too stupid to know what her own religion is. Kyle handled it pretty tactfully and even gave Carlton her necklace as a 'starting over' peace offering because Carlton admired it. Carlton was all smiling and hugging it to her chest and cooing 'She likes me… '. Well, initially. In exchange Carlton gave Kyle some edible candle wax which I'm sure Kyle drank in the car.
Kim missed the party because she was at the washed-up teen star expo. Lindsay Lohan this is your future! Kim is sooooo excited to see how many fans she has. Her line was pretty long, y'all! I'm not saying Kim missed stuff, but apparently all those years while she was indisposed she never attended. When news of her appearance at the former star expo spread across the lands, people came from miles and miles just to see the re-emergence that is the miracle of Kim (and her healthy hair!) and they brought her gifts. They brought gifts like a WEREPUPPY!
Yes, there was Kim cuddling a teeny troll baby (Carlton???) and cooing at it. Kim also got turtles and Jimmy McNichol, whom Kim has been crushing on for years. Kim still kisses his TigerBeat poster (and wishes it could reach out and touch her butt), which she has framed and hung in a special shrine surrounded by old journals. It's the one area of the house off limits to Kingsley. Grrroooowl! Does anyone else think Kim sometimes confuses the RHOBH interview booths with a psychiatrist's office?
Kyle also goes back in time. She has a guest spot on Days of Our Lives and spends eons recounting her fabulous times as a child actress when she and Kim were living out their mom's dreams. Clearly Kyle was trying to plug her actressing creds ala Heather Dubrow on another HW show where a certain HW is wooed by her own self-importance and delusional about how important others think she is. I'm not saying that's Kyle, but it was awfully clear she was trying to re-break into the industry or something.
Anyway, Kyle played herself on Days. Get the Emmy ready!
Yolanda has some drama. She's having this party where everyone comes over to paint tiny paintings for GiGi to hang in her dorm room. Because that's what every 18-year-old wants hanging her dorm room: crappily done craft projects from her mom's co-stars.
Last minute Lisa calls to cancel because she has a business meeting downtown and wasn't sure that the plans were definite. Yolanda is extremely miffed. It's rude to cancel last-minute, but if it doesn't happen all the time and the excuse is valid… I mean, it's Lisa's job and such vs. smearing goopy paint on some little Michael's craft palates and going, "OOOOOH! A heart! Cause I love love!" but really it's because that's the only shape you can paint.
Maybe Yolanda can take Lisa out for coffee to discuss her bad behavior?
So, Yolanda is mad, but gets distracted by Carlton and Joyce Giraud's awkward arrival. Carlton is frazzled (and more beef jerky-ee looking than usual) because she spent too much time licking bodypaint off stripper poles last night and now has to detox at Chateau de Judgmental all the way in Malibu by stroking one of Yolanda's crystal lamps.
And Joyce is all chipper-chapper-chatter and wondering if they should carry the obnoxiously heavy bottle of wine through the valley of death that is Yolanda's zillion steps backyard. "Maybe we should wait to see if Brandi wants any," Joyce comments blandly. Prompting a severe lecture from Carlton about Joyce and her "labels". The only person consistently labeling is Carlton, I might add! Who also made a rude face when Joyce arrived at her party. Nice, Leatherton.
Brandi shows up late and upon hearing about Lisa's cancelation, brags that she was getting her hand looked at and raced from the emergency room. That's cause Brandi's job is stepping over piles of dog poop on her way to the liquor store.
David twinkles over while Yolanda is complaining that she spent all day making food and no one showed up. David lurks around eating and dropping fake flatteries about how only the beautiful girls came. Then he whips out a piano from thin air, commands silence, and everyone is forced to stare up at him, glinting into the sun, while he sings for a full 6 hours.
I woke up to Carlton telling us she had a dream Kyle was talking shit about her and now she's paranoid that the necklace Kyle gave her is haunting her. WTF?!?!?! Leatherton decides to put a spell on Kyle – she's gonna make all her hair fall out! Joyce says spells only work if you believe in them, and she believes in GOD. It went back and forth until Carlton warned Joyce that something bad was going to happen to her that night.
And then boom! Something bad did happen: Michael got like super sick and blames the spell. And Joyce wore her sparkly skull & crossbone t-shirt to tell everyone as proof she respects the dark arts!
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TELL US – IS CARLTON BEING OVERLY-SENSITIVE ABOUT KYLE? SHOULD YOLANDA BE MAD THAT LISA CANCELED LAST MINUTE?