Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies continued to terrorize Montana like a plague. The beautiful surroundings of wild Montana shrank beneath the force of their bickering, bad behavior, and crying orgasms. And Cowboy Paul stroked his gun lovingly and thought, thank goodness I've got this to protect me in the apocalypse.
In the luxury accommodations, Tweedle Drunk and Tweedle Do Me are bored and suffering from cabin fever. Carole Radziwill is suffering from being too long in the asylum – serves her right for trying to observe crazies in their native environment. To assuage her boredom Sonja Morgan invites the sexy (and very young) ranch hand over to clean out the kitchen while she swans around in a negligee swatting at him with a toilet brush. I am positive she molested him by the seductive light of the fridge. Carole lost her breakfast.
Sonja is bitter that they'll be spending another night at the ranch instead of out in the town sizing up the locals – there could be hot and swarthy cowboys ready for a Mrs. Robinson adventure with a big city gal. Sonja apparently thinks Reese Weather-spoon is out there, just waiting to have fun. Instead Kristen Taekman has planned a chef to come and make dinner for the girls. Sonja is over personal chefs – she does this everyday!
With what budget? I wasn't aware that Groupon offered this?
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Ramona Singer is not happy either. See she is suffering from Ramonapause and the air conditioner is simply not working! She's hot – and not in that ready to get frisky way that Sonja is. She's hot as in her panties are in the freezer and she's camped out in front of the fridge trying not to overdose on hot flashes. Of course alcohol raises your blood temperature, so all that pinot probably isn't helping things. Ramona blames Carole from turning the AC up. Maybe Carole is trying to smoke them out?
Before dinner there is fly fishing, something Ramona and Sonja are not pleased about. While they complain that they look frumpy in their gear, Heather Thomson actually looks hot. And I swear she got a blowout – hopefully Ramona doesn't throw something at her head out of spite because Pinot's hair is looking anything but Hamptons ready! She's going to charter a small plane – a pterodactyl with a cargo seat since they are so far removed from civilization – to take her back to NYC simply for a hair dryer. And some AC.
No one catches anything but Ramonja's bad vibes (generated after the fly fishing hottie shot them both down by preferring to swim with the fishies). Ramona and Sonja complain about dinner plans and Kristen's poor hostessing. Back in the cabin, they rant and slur in their curlers about how they are much better entertainers. Apparently Kristen can't understand being a good hostess because she resides in a dumpy little two-bedroom apartment while they are ladies of the manor. OK 1) Sonja is losing her homes and 2) Ramona has the worst manners on reality TV. I think Patti Stanger has better etiquette. If I were the other ladies I would be more than happy to let Curlers on Crack and Desperately Seeking A$$ go hit up the town – good riddance to bad rubbish – and they'd all have a lot more fun. Carole's patience is tested. Thank God she stole Aviva Drescher's xanax before taking this vaycay.
Over dinner things continue to flop. LuAnn de Lesseps is still upset that Sonja was allowing her facialist to spread gossip and lies while treating the whole thing as a joke. And Sonja Tremont Morgan, of the Alcatraz Tremonts, insulted Connecticut. As it turns out LuAnn is not so much angry about the facialist, but that Sonja a bad friend and doesn't respect her – and Sonja allowing the facialist to spread rumors so Sonja could get a free spa treatment and some camera time is further proof that she doesn't consider Lu a close friend. I've never seen Lu so emotional – this really is a whole new Countess.
Sonja is flippant about LuAnn's feelings, and brushes them aside as her being jealous of Sonja's friendship with Ramona. Ramona is overjoyed that Lu is feeling neglected. "She just doesn't care that much about you," Ramona snippily tells an upset LuAnn. By that point Lu has recovered and has accepted that Sonja sucks and didn't take their friendship seriously. Heather stays behind to try and discuss the situation with Sonja, but Sonja is drunk and calls LuAnn a pig so Heather storms out. Yes people, Sonja and Ramona – these are the premiere hostesses of the NYC social scene!
You know, LuAnn, I really don't think you should be jealous of anyone's close affiliation with Ramona. If anything take as a compliment – you're too good for Sonja!
The next day, Kristen decided they all need a little separation and more than anything Carole needs a break from baby-sitting Pinot and Commando. Heather escorts Pinot and Commando to an outdoor massage, while Kristen, LuAnn, and Carole take a walk. Celebrating her freedom, Carole has dressed up for the occasion as an extra from Downton Abbey, swanning about the grounds in evening finery.
LuAnn is disappointed that Sonja turned on her and doesn't understand how a friend she considered very dear, almost like family, suddenly has no use for her. Carole explains that underneath Lu's linebacker shoulders and etiquette commandments, she's a sensitive soul who spends many an afternoon petting cats and drinking tea while lovingly tending to her crochet and roses. Perhaps.
Meanwhile, after massages Sonja still refuses to accept accountability for not defending LuAnn – or being empathetic to her feelings. Sonja quips that LuAnn has it all: alimony, Jacques who adores her, time to shop and lunch, and a home in the Hamptons – meanwhile Sonja has lopsided boobs, an ex who refuses to associate with her, lawsuits, a crumbling mansion she's probably losing, and monthly hot dates with the bankruptcy attorney. So it turns out that it's actually SONJA who is jealous. Furthermore, Sonja thinks Lu should be relieved people are talking about her! Right.
After all that it's more fun in the outdoors. The ladies divide to either go rappelling (not to be confused with RE-pelling, of which they are all experts) or skeet shooting. Ramona, scarily, chooses shooting. Is it legal for her to be near a gun? The whole notion is so nerve-wracking. Kristen has a meltdown at the top of the cliff and freaks out that Heather is not being supportive or encouraging because "Sporty Spice" keeps telling Kristen, who is sobbing and hyperventilating like a contestant on The Bachelor before the extreme dates, that she doesn't have anything to prove and doesn't have to go through with the rappel.
Kristen makes it down and then sobs on the ground until LuAnn, who was also panicked and afraid, meets her at the bottom. LuAnn encourages her to get it all out – and find release – to have a "crying orgasm." Good advice! And then Heather hops down as if the rappel was as simple as crossing the street. Show off.
At the gun range, Sonja is undressing Cowboy Paul with her eyes, and rubbing against him as she shows her how to hold a gun. "I'd like to hold your gun – and make it shoot," she slurs as he backs slowly away. Remember - Cowboy Paul, you're armed – run for your life and escape Sexy J and her commando!
Carole is a perfect shot, but Ramona is a quivering mess. I though she'd be excellent at shooting – I thought she'd imagine Mario's mistress as her target and hit it every time. But shooting, like common decency, good manners, and hair from this decade are not for Ramona.
The ladies meet up for lunch where beers are aplenty and then after that it's time to play a game called geocaching. It's some kind of scavenger hunt in the woods involving GPS and buried treasure. Unfortunately the only person into it is Kristen. Carole and LuAnn try to be supportive, but Heather and Ramonja could care less and are drunk and disorderly.
Kristen and Heather erupt into an argument because Kristen thinks Heather is bossy and controlling, while Heather finds Kristen whiny and needy. The two friends yell at each other while storming through the woods as Kristen tries to demand they all look for some GPS coordinates to unearth a prize. Who thinks the 'treasure' at the end of the hunt will end up being a bottle of Ramona Pinot?
While Heather was being a little mean, Kristen is taking this a little too seriously. Just go have fun and stop worrying about everyone else! Carole tries to mediate by pointing out that Heather is acting, to put it mildly, like Ramona and should back-off, but it's useless. Cabin fever strikes again. It's Bravo's very own version of The Shining. Aren't we just all glad Aviva wasn't there due to her 'Reid's gone' induced paranoia?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
TELL US – WAS LUANN OVER-REACTING TO SONJA, OR IS SONJA A BAD FRIEND?