Last night the ladies of Real Housewives Of New Jersey headed to Florida, where things were all scary murky foreshadowing and things that go bump in the night – before next week when the ghosts jump out and attack!
Melissa Gorga is euphoric because she left her four children at home in the care of eldest Joe Gorga, who resents babysitting and is just letting the younger kids smack each other and eat junk food while he threatens to break the internet like it was Juicy’s face (we all saw how successful he was at that last season!). Meanwhile mama is getting sauced up under the Florida sun and flaunting what the good doctor gave her. Of course Dina Manzo planned the trip to Boca, where everyone is 80 (or how old Dina acts) and the house looks like something out of “Miami Vice” according to Teresssssa Aprea. She’s used to that – Don Johnson is clearly Rino’s fashion inspiration.
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Lucky Melissa has something else to be thankful for: because Teresa Giudice is not on this trip, no one is obligated to drink Fabellini!
Bring on the good booze! Seriously that stuff is in every scene with Teresa this season – except for one where she was driving around seatbelt-less in leopard print PJs with an open coffee mug #SafetyFirst #LawsWhatLaws
Dina is gooey and gushing about bonding – if you just ignore Nicole Napolitano and Teresssssa’s incessant chatter in their own secret language and constant matchy-matchyness everything is fine. I think I read a Baby-Sitters Club book about annoying twins once; maybe Mallorie got stuck with them and gave them makeovers. Then they were so much happier. Maybe we could try that with our RHONJ twins? Let’s make that Melissa’s storyline
since she doesn’t really have one.
Back in snowy New Jersey, Teresa is house hunting because she and Juicy realize they need to downsize. Teresa tours a really nice 8,800 square-foot home and is shocked to find that the graaaaaate room isn’t like as fabellini-licious as the
stolen marble monstrosity of her own stunning home. Teresa warbles that her priorities have changed so now she’ll like consider living in a used home. Hey – a “used” mansion is better than a used jail cell! Juicy says she can’t buy a new house until their old one sells, and the realtor assures them it’s worth $4 Million.
While her puppy is getting shaken puppy syndrome, Teresa and Joe discuss the merits of moving. Juicy admits they’re not rich enough for their huge house and it’s too much work: he’s the butler and Teresa is the maid. Sounds about right. But Teresa says that as a “businesswoman” selling makes financial sense. I hear the Gorga place is back on the market again, maybe Teresa and Joe could buy that?
Speaking of which, here come has-been Hosuewives Kathy Wakile and Jacqueline Laurita. Both ladies have been on screen less than 6 seconds when they’re pimping product. Jacqueline updates us on Nicholas‘ progress with his autism therapy while he guzzles BLK Water. #NoComment. Meanwhile, Kathy is busting out the desserts. Which Jacqueline inhales.
Then they dive into talking about Kathy’s new home. Her new massive mansion in the same neighborhood as the Manzos, Lauritas, and Manzos 2.0 (Dina and Tommy). Which means Kathy is probably the next RHONJ star to be in foreclosure. Kathy gushes about how it’s been a dream of hers to build this house – even though both her kids are now adults. Apparently she needs a lot of room to store her 80 zillion cannoli.
Then Jacqueline shares that she reached out to Teresa in two heart-felt text messages and got a curt thank you message in reply, which upsets her because she’ll always love Teresa. Kathy reminds her that Teresa never likes to admit that anything’s wrong and then forces another pastry down Jacq’s throat.
Later they go tour Kathy’s construction site (Wonder if it’s being built by Poison?!) because #TaxWriteOff, and Jacqueline reveals that she and Chris are planning to downsize because they no longer need a house that big and need to focus their finances on Nicholas’s therapies. Awwww… look Jac and Teresa have something in common
besides sketchy bankruptcies: changed priorities and downsizing. Aka, being broke!
After Jacqueline’s awkward reveal, Kathy is like mmmm… OK, heard about your foreclosure in the news, but whatever! Here – have a cannoli – this one has liqueur in it!
Back in Florida, everything is peaceful. Except the twins. The ladies shop for dinner and all the twins care about is “long hots” – which sounds like something Melissa might regretfully find in Poison’s pants, but is apparently a food. In the limo on the way back to the house, talk turns to Amber. Nicole is still mad that Amber was gossiping about her alleged home wrecking and reveals that if people know something about them they shouldn’t repeat it, but they should tell them directly. This gives Dina pause, because courtesy of Teresa, she knows something about Teresssssa, but decoding Twintelligence is impossible.
In Jersey, Amber Marchese goes back to the oncologist to get results from another round of bloodwork. And guess what – Amber doesn’t have The Cancer!
But she does still have The Jim. And white eyeliner. Poor Amber – her makeup artist really, really hates her.
After getting the positive news Amber immediately calls Dina to share as a celebration she and Jim are heading to Florida the next day! Woo Hoo! Dina is not happy – they were all having a nice time. Dina certainly doesn’t have The Zen about Amber not having The Cancer – or coming on the Florida trip with The Jim.
Back at the dinner table, a drunk (and even more attention seeking) Melissa is shoving pasties down Nicole’s shirt to help her out with her perma-nip situation. Instead of nipple covers a maybe Nicole should invest in a better boob job. Or a bra. When Teressssssa learns Jim is coming, she tells Rino, who cancels his own plans to come to Florida. Poison and Bobby will still be joining the ladies however!
After dinner, Dina pulls Teressssssa aside because she wants to tell her about the Victoria rumor. But Teressssa with all the maturity of a nipple cover (or Poison) doesn’t want to hear scary truthy-things. And since it’s about her family, not her, she’d rather remain blissfully in the dark.
Rejoining the other girls, Dina explains that Amber knows something personal about Tersssssa which Dina was warned about by Teresa. Teresssssssa says she likes Teresa and doesn’t want to think bad things about her (ha!), so she really doesn’t want to know. Nicole, on the other hand, is dying for the details and tries to insist Dina tell.
Hmmm… methinks the twins knew all along what Dina’s secret was going to be, but they were trying to be obtuse. Nicole wanted it out there so she could deny, deny, deny (the Teresa Giudice playbook!), but Teressssa wanted to play dumb and keep it hidden so she could live in denial, denial, denial (also from the Teresa Giudice playbook!).
Don’t worry – it’ll all come spilling out next week like an old bottle of Fabellini left over from the last big party Teresa ever throws.
TELL US – DID DINA HANDLE THE SITUATION WITH TERSSSSA TACTFULLY? SHOULD SHE HAVE TOLD HER ANYWAY?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]