Claudia Jordan has a new place. She wanted to live in a high-rise condo to hang onto her NYC roots and she apparently hit-up Kim Zolciak‘s yardsale to buy a collection of red Solo cups because she has no dishes or furniture to speak of. Claudia isn’t proud – she knows we’ve all spent many a’day sippin’ on Maddog 20/20 like this was 1993 and we’re in a Coolio video. Claudia invites Kenya Moore over to show off the new place, but then immediately puts her to work assembling iKea furniture while chugging wine out of said Solo cups. Kenya’s all like I didn’t wear my only pair of Louboutins for this. Then she wonders if Claudia has been buying her Louboutins from a Made In Hong Kong authentic discount site and painting the soles red herself. I mean, the only red bottoms that seem authentic in Claudia’s place are the cups!
Later Claudia and Kenya go to the gym under the pretense of Claudia getting her own stallion booty. Why doesn’t she just ask for the name of Kenya’s Mexican butt doctor? Claudia grew up with an Italian immigrant mother and a black father from NYC. Her dad left when they were kids and she doesn’t have much of a relationship with him.
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In school, Claudia was always made fun of for being biracial and as a result got in a lot of fights – when people make her mad she goes off. The situation was hard on her mom, but next week Claudia’s mother and her grandmother – her dad’s mom – will be visiting. Claudia has a really close relationship with her grandmother, but has never heard ‘I Love You’ from her mom. She and Kenya bond over distant mothers. If Claudia speaks Italian can she join RHONJ?!
Meanwhile, Kandi and Todd visit the first house Kandi gave Mama Joyce – the house that used to be Kandi’s home. Apparently the real reason Joyce needed to move is that Joyce’s boyfriend “renovated,” which is code for ripping everything out and leaving it a disgusting mess. Kandi is very upset. She was planning to put the house on the market, but now there is over $10,00o worth of damage.
Todd is angry – he says Kandi needs to set some ground rules with her mother, who spends all her time trashing Todd while her man has been living with her in Kandi’s house – for free – jobless and destroying Kandi’s property. Kandi whines that it’s her mama and she loves her. Wait – exactly who is the mama here: Kandi or Joyce? Nope – neither! Todd is the only adult in this relationship!
Mama Joyce is so despicable – she shows her daughter NO respect. She’s ranting about how Todd is an opportunist and a user, well I think she’s actually been talking about herself – and her man! She was exposed last night – she doesn’t like Todd because he isn’t willing to put up with her shenanigans! Kandi needs to clean up Joyce’s act – literally – before she ruins her marriage.
Moving on from that atrocious mess, Cynthia Bailey is on a mission to extract herself from the horrible oppression of NeNe Leakes. Cynthia wants us to believe she was NeNe’s prisoner, held captive and not allowed to breathe or change her hair color without approval. She’s tired of NeNe talking about her on twitter and in interviews. I cannot with Cynthia’s Kenya Jr. routine. Next thing you know Designer Imposters Krayonce is gonna start twirling in one of the technicolor mumus Cynthia loves and yelling Steel Magnolias Fabulous! She needs to focus on being herself, not on mimicking her friend of the moment. I am sure she’s already got Kenya locked into a friend contract – which will conveniently expire when she finds someone else able to turn the wind-up dial on Real Housewife Cynthia Doll.
Since things are a total mess among the Housewives, Kandi decided to get everyone together for a peace treaty over cocktails. Kandi visits Phaedra Parks, where she is making guacamole and wearing fabulous hair. Phaedra’s hair is looking amazing this season! Kandi calls Phaedra the Queen of Green since she knows how to make money and guacamole to perfection! Phaedra is also the Queen of stolen green and jealousy, depending on who you ask!
Kandi believes Kenya never did anything inappropriate with Apollo Nida, but understands that it’s easier for Phaedra to continue blaming Kenya than accept her husband lied to her about yet another thing. Phaedra agrees to attend the dinner, but says Kenya paid Apollo to say he was lying in order to “clean up her character.” Apparently with Phaedra no longer bankrolling Apollo, he’s broke but is still “out there partying.” I love Kandi and Phaedra together – I hope their friendship stands the test of time. Do not let Kenya and Apollo come between you, ladies!
By far the cutest part of the episode was NeNe’s son Brent learning to drive. Gregg put on football pads for protection as NeNe directed from the sidelines – you know like every other day in their marriage! NeNe tells Gregg about Kandi’s meeting, where she’ll be seeing Cynthia and Kenya for the first time in months. NeNe will not be apologizing to Kenya, because she never called her a whore, although that doesn’t mean she isn’t one! Ouch.
Finally, it’s time for the Housewives Peace Treaty, taking place appropriately at a place called “Einsteins.” Porsha Williams arrived on the Underground Railroad, but was late because the train only runs 265 days a year, and she was cornfuse-ed, waiting in her borrowed McQueen, texting her mysterious African prince. Seriously – why does everyone on this show have a mysterious African Prince? How does that happen? Is there a dating service that offers the Mysterious African Prince special – for the girl on a reality show that wants to appear like she has everything, except an in the flesh man? Whatever the case do not try to extract your pound of flesh from any men connected to Phaedra because she will perform an exorcism right at the table of a second-class restaurant by sprinkling you with blessed vodka and some stale saltines she found in the donation box at church.
Before everyone arrives Phaedra and Kandi pray for Jesus to protect them from the Jezebels, who will try to inflict us with their wicked ways. And then right on cue, Kenya arrives, rocking her Jezebel spirit in a revealing (but gorgeous!) dress, followed by Cynthia nipping at her heels begging Kenya to teach her the ways of the jezzie. Finally, in waltzes NeNe. She is no mood for prayer or positivity.
Kenya starts first – her meds are working – and she explains calmly that Apollo lied about her, admitted it, and now some people would rather continue with the lie than apologize. Phaedra, needs to borrow Kenya’s meds (literally – because: Apollo!), is rolling her eyes, pulling faces, and blaming Kenya for Apollo’s behavior. Kenya is acting like she never did anything to give people any pause or a reason to believe she’d be capable of making advances towards Apollo, when in fact she did plenty!
Phaedra is not exonerated, of course, she owes Kenya an apology for “WhoreMoore” but Kenya did plenty of inappropriate, deplorable things, and she also lied about her relationships with two different men (Walter, and Prince Simba, The Lion King). Furthermore Kenya told everyone Walter was gay when he outed her lies. Kenya needs to stop with the victim act and the fake tears and the ‘why won’t anyone belieeeeeve little ole’ me!’ We remember everything!
Finally, Phaedra states that she will accept Kenya’s word for it and they can move forward. It wasn’t an apology – not at all – but it was an agreement to start over? Let’s hope!
Next it’s NeNe vs. Cynthia. Cynthia is simply no match for NeNe’s wit when she is on fire and upset – Cynthia needs to go back to Kamp Krayonce for more training. Cynthia keeps mentioning all these secrets she can reveal about NeNe. NeNe says she has nothing to hide, but Cynthia says nothing. She just freezes on the spot, looking around open-mouthed and blinking like, ‘Peeet-ter… Peeee-ter…”
And Cynthia Bailey has done NeNe wroooooong as a friend and NeNe will not stand for any more of her using, or abusing, or misrepresenting the truth because NeNe Leakes was A GOOOOOD friend to Cynthia when she needed her the most. I don’t know if NeNe is campaigning for the first Emmy in a reality TV performance or if is she seriously hurt by Cynthia, but whatever the case she was furious and wouldn’t even let Ms. Bailey Agency get a word in edgewise.
Eventually Cynthia just squeaks, looks at Kenya, and dives under the table. Kenya sighs, she needs to fortify her army of Beauty Queens On BeatDown Patrol and call in the big-guns, so she texts Claudia.
TELL US – WILL PHAEDRA AND KENYA MOVE FORWARD? DID CYNTHIA DO NENE WRONG AS A FRIEND?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]