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Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills the twisted Sisters Richards and their dysfunctional sidekick Brandi Glanville continued to make us all wish Bravo had a psychiatrist on retainer. I’m being serious. 

We pick up at Kyle Richards’ gay singles mixer and let me tell you, if there is one thing that unified the gays in that room it’s that they were all: “HOLLA we never have to end up tied to one of these crazy broads!” Then they retreated to a corner, made good use of the free drinks, and watched the single almond dinner show, because as we learned last night women of Beverly Hills think indulging in a hot dog shared three ways is a treat. 

Kyle wants Brandi and Kim Richards to leave – obviously because they have sucked the air out of a party already about dry spells – but Kim just sits at some table in the mood-glow lighting like, ‘I don’t want to leave it’s my by-proxy party cause Kyle is my sister and I can ruin it if I want to!’ Brandi hauls her out, after reminding her that Kyle is not her sister, which jerks Kim to life, cause – Brand is right!!! Huh?

Outside Kim complains that Kyle was trying to “force” Brandi to spill secrets about her life and wanted to embarrass her. Oh, and Kyle is to blame for everything. Brandi and Kim are a toxic mess.

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Inside, Kyle is crying. Her dress resembles a disco ball and the glittery-ness was reflecting gently on her face, uplighting her like a saintly angel. Obviously Kyle is no angel (and she’d only deign to wear a halo if it were made by Chanel) and obviously that dress is tacky as hell, but hey – Kyle is not to blame for Brandi and Rambles’ mutual psychosis!

Lisa Vanderpump slapped her into sanity – she wishes! and the other ladies console Kyle, with Lisa tossing in a heavy dose of ‘I told you so!’ until Kyle flips out and tells Lisa SHE told her so first. Lisa, classily, did not remind Kyle that she then jumped on the bandwagon two-fold to join Brandi, carrying pitchforks which were made by COACH (for shame!) to tear her down. 

Lisa Rinna, who once played a doctor on TV and now fancies herself a psychiatrist, posits that Kim is an addict. Ya think?! Like a using addict, and once an addict always an addict. Lipsa also posits that Brandi is an alcoholic and she is concerned that Brandi is drinking to avoid reality, but not reality TV!

Then Lipsa gets nervous, she has caught on quickly that those who come for Brandi get gunned down by her truth cannon of a mouth. Lipsa decrees she wants to be buried in a LV bodybag with a diamond zipper. So, is Boozdi gonna off Lipsa with a switchblade stiletto or a poisoned-lacerated tongue OR cyanide in the lipstick?! Maybe Eileen Davidson can star in a Beverly Hills Whodunnit Murder Mystery?! 

Now can’t we all just go back to having some champagne?

One person who grabbed a drink and got over it was Brandi – she went back to podcasting and dispensing life advice to people far more successful than herself. “My mom always told me ‘As long as people are talking about you, don’t worry about what they’re saying,'” she announces. Well, that explains a lot, unfortunately. 

According to Brandi everyone sometimes – even her sons – are a$$holes, guilty of a d–k-move!

The only drama Eileen likes is the sort found in soap operas, which is why she is cosplaying a Housewife in the name of research. And in the name of research Beverly Hills Horror Story: Suburban Invasion commences. 

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Eileen recently starred in a B-movie produced by her friend which is showing at the Burbank Film Festival – in a mall. She commandeers all the uptight bitches of RHOBH to attend, drives them out to the suburbs, where they are reduced to eating Red Hots and stale popcorn from a movie theater concession stand.

In the limo everyone discusses the wrath of Boozdi and the consensus is that Brandi is a bitch and a drunk whom no one wants to hang out with. BUT hey at least they’re all talking about her so WINNING! At least by Brandi’s logic…

Personally, I think when Brandi’s mom dispensed that advice she didn’t mean Brandi should choose those as her words to live by. My mom told me the same thing and I’m a perfectly nice, well-adjusted person who has never breathed a mean word about anyone, right… <smirk> 

When they arrive at the film festival – literally in the mall! – Eileen rides the escalator – in her designer – down to the “red carpet floor mat.” I LOVE THIS WOMAN! The other ladies stand there confused – where is the errrrr… Gucci? There’s a kiosk selling Goochi key chains next to the Claire’s Boutique! 

Eileen’s film, Stranger At The Pentagon, is everything a Sci-Fi B-movie should be. It features a GREENSCREEN with outer-space background and Eileen rocking the hell out of a unitard! I have only one thing to say about all of this – Eileen and unitard included – YESSSSSSSSSSSS! Naturally that unitard won the film festival. Eileen celebrated by eating an entire hot dog all by herself. Then she hit up Macy’s for the 20% sale, lady has some coupons expiring.

Another Eileen gem: she cleaned bathrooms at her acting school to pay for classes. Cleaning toilets for fame = you deserve it. Clearly she needs to be teaching some instructional seminars – she can start at Kyle’s house where people have been using the washing machine as a magic fat-reducing machine because when you put the snacks in there and turn it on, they disappear. I bet if Eileen taped a Gucci logo to the toilet brush Kyle would tote it around town like a pendant necklace!  

LVP she is wrestling with Max’s decision to uncover his genealogy. She worries he may want to seek out more than just information. She and Pandora try to suppress tears, in a terribly British way, worrying over Max. However when Max receives his results, he comes over to Lisa’s so they can read them together.

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Lisa sits down at the computer, clutching Giggy for dear life like a security blanket, as Max marvels at the results. Then he tells her loves her, she’ll always be his mum, and he goes to make her tea. All is well and all are loved. It’s clear the Vanderpump-Todds have a very loving, close-knit family and Max feels fully included. Awwwwww… Besides who would leave a palace guarded by swans and entirely constructed of pink diamonds for the unknown?!

Brandi goes to Yolanda Foster‘s for yoga class, where she is crustier than a broken nail file over Kyle. YoFo wants her to find the zen without xanax. The yoga teacher is HOT – I fear for him that during a downward dog, Brandi will attempt a downward doggy-style on him. He wisely keeps his distance.

Kyle has gotten to Yo first and told her Brandi threatened to hit her during their argument. Yolanda cannot be friends with women like that – oh no. When the yoga teacher tells them to hold their hands, prayer-style, Brandi prays Kyle will disappear to West Africa “to one of those place with ebola.” Well Brandi maybe Kyle doesn’t deserve ebola – at least measles, though! Does Chanel make those? Does Karl sell them by the vial?

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After the yoga lesson Yo talks to Brandi about her drinking, and finding new ways to solve problems. Have you heard of lemon cleansing? It works wonders on toilets – why not potty mouths? And look at old Yo, turning into the new LVP. She suggests Brandi not drink so much, and wonders if she’s an alcoholic. Brandi snaps back that people are calling Bella an alcoholic too but that doesn’t mean it’s true.

Yolanda is shocked and is now feeling the full-spectrum of Lisa-motions and getting a taste of how Brandi rolls – it ain’t in the YoDa aeronautic Pure Class Private Jet with rotating space deck™! Et Tu Brande? “Brandi is stabbing me below the waist,” she gasps. Awwww Brandi – don’t stab Yolanda below the waist she just found out what cunnilingus is! Shall we make Lipsa’s LV bodybag accommodate two?

Brandi explains that people telling her what not to do makes her want to do it more. And if she were an alcoholic, she’d get help because there is no shame in her game, which appears to be the problem: her lack of shame. 

Eileen, being a mature person, decides she will help the Richards sisters find zen as well. Eileen lost two sisters, one 4 years ago and one 4 months ago so she recognizes the importance of fixing things. She hopes she can inspire Kyle and Kim to focus on the love and not let petty arguments – or Brandi – come between them.

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Eileen has good intentions. Eileen does not know the Sisters Richards very well. Within minutes of sitting down Splits and Rambles are off like a mob at a Prada sample sale, screeching at each other over who is to blame. Kyle predicts Brandi will turn on Kim (she will) and Kim accuses Kyle of not being there for her. Kim needs to STOP blaming Kyle for the fact that she has lost control of her life. Kyle does not need to put a Chanel leash on Kim and lead her around – Kim needs to take responsibility for herself!

Kyle blames Brandi for the breakdown in their sister relationship and tells Eileen they were totally fine until Brandi intruded. Kim shrieks that Brandi is her best friend. Eileen is on the edge of her seat, ready to bolt – Vince was so waiting inside, peeking out the window for safety reasons. Nothing gets resolved despite her peer mediation efforts, and Kim blames Eileen for saying mean things about a person she loves – Brandi, not Kyle. Eileen can say whatever mean things she wants about Kyle. 

Also getting involved is Lipsa, who takes Brandi out to lunch to discuss all the mayhem. Brandi is up to her old tricks. Since the sheen has worn off Yolanda, she’s moved onto her next target. And oh how quickly Brand throws Kim under the wheels of Kyle’s rented private plane! 

I commend Lipsa for her honesty – she straight-up calls Brandi out on being mean and drinking too much and wonders if she’s masking hurt, or what. Then she straight-up questions her over-involvement in the Richards sisters dynamic. Her heart was in the right place – her tactic is going to backfire SO HARD!

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Brandi whines that Kim has chosen her as a confidante but she’s not sure how to manage the situation; Kim is out of control and needs help. Of course, Brandi can’t talk to Kyle about there concerns because Kyle is part of the problem (per Brandi) and Kim doesn’t trust Kyle. Brandi believes confronting Kim about whether to not she is truly sober would destroy her – and she might kill herself. Dr. Lipsa wonders why everyone is in denial about the situation, she posits that they should have an intervention. For two: Boozdi and Rambles?

First of all, if Brandi feels these things, truly, television is not the place to have this conversation. Second of all, if Kim is her friend, Brandi wouldn’t worry about offending her, she’d worry about helping her. Thirdly, there is a difference between being involved and enabling, just like there is a difference between cleavage and your boobs busting out.

While Dr. Lipsa has noble intent, and she has experience living with addiction via Harry’s brothers’ alcoholism, she’s biting off more than she can chew – and as we all know Brandi will chew you up and spit you out like you’re the piece of paper that got stuck to the candy she’s eating, because Brandi is a Friend Eater. And Rambles is more than willing to let Brandi fight her battles. This is going to end badly. We’re approaching needing an LV mausoleum at this point. 

TELL US – UMMMM… WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON ON RHOBH?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

 

 

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