Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills things officially went to the dark side. Kim Richards lost her marbles in a cesspool of deflection, hysterics, and venomous rage. Don’t fear the reaper, or the coming of wrinkles, fear the KimKillah – who will bring the wrinkles and the emotional eating out in force!
Can I snark at the total break from reality I just witnessed? Eh – I’m going to, so don’t you worry your pretty little heads – or you may need Botox!
As soon as the ladies check into to their Amsterdam hotel they are met by the reassuring presence of Lisa Vanderpump and Eileen Davidson, walking into the unknown pit of Kingsleys. Lisa Rinna calls them “a lifeboat.” Sadly, they will prove to be as effective as the Titanic lifeboats.
Immediately Lipsa fills them in on the time Kim ruined her experience riding on the YoDa Aeronautic Private JetPlex and she was put off the two bites of artisinal crullers she was about to indulge in – only because she heard they were artfully glazed with a natural form of botox made from a very rare fish found only in the Nile River, deep in the Heart Of Darkness. “You know,” purred Yolanda Foster, “It’s the only way I ever consume sugar.”
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Yeah bitch, thought Lipsa. We noticed when you had a panic attack and had to spend three days in a sanitarium after almost licking a milkshake straw during that scavenger hunt. Is fear of chocolate in the DSM-V? I digress…
Anyway, Lipsa’s lips are made for gossiping, however loose lips sink ships in stormy seas – or canals. Lets just hope no one gets shoved into a canal on this trip because no amount of LVP lifeboats (or LV lifeboats) are gonna save you. Eileen is annoyed that, once again, they have to tipee-toe around Kim when the writing is on the wall, in wine and pain pills:
“DRAMA STEM” (Amsterdam Unscrambled).
The ladies do dinner where Kyle Richards debuts a cape, which differs only infinitesimally from her hair. It’s as if she dressed for drama in velvet burnout leopard jeans and a cape. Did she have a premonition or was she just practicing for her new role as Steven Tyler groupie?
Speaking of infinitesimal, Brandi Glanville mentions that everyone is dressed in black as if they’re going to a funeral. A funeral for sanity? Surely lost at canal amid a zillion of Kim’s empty wine bottles and half-baked excuses.
It turns out dinner should be term used loosely. A) I don’t think anyone got past the bread course – least of all Lipsa, according to Kim. B) mouths only opened and shut in shock – or to scream. C) Even the wine was wasted. Unduly. Unless Brandi crawled under the table to lick it up. Or Kim squeezed it from her hair for a post-dinner drink – don’t mind the glass shards, they’re good for your constitution.
It was a mess on so many levels. Yolanda tries to open a glass-houses dialogue about how they all have struggles, but transparency helps us see what we’ve got – also her strategy on refrigerators! She tells the ladies Bella recently got a DUI and it scared her.
Lisa talks the tumultuous road a mother walks. Lipsa shares that her sister died of a drug and alcohol overdose when she was a child, so that coupled with Harry’s families addiction issues, has her worrying for her own daughters’ sobriety. Lisa emotionally and vulnerably – and KINDLY – apologizes to Kim (again) for projecting her own issues with addiction onto her. You would think they could connect, have a heart-to-heart, a bridging of peace. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
“I’m sorry if I got into your business,” says a tearful Lisa. “Well you have – and we’ve discussed this,” snaps a stone-faced Kimkillah. “I have been sober for three-years! My friends and family know,” lies Kim pointing aimlessly around the room at the blurry objects she thinks are friends and family, but may just be wax figures at Madame Tussauds. (in truth I sometimes have difficulty telling the difference, myself).
Kim’s friends and family believe in her super awesome sobriety, because they are afraid she will sic her acrylic nails into their necks and draw blood if they don’t just smile, nod, and give her diamond-studded super sobriety chips whenever she demands them. Yes, Kim has been sober for three years because Kim says she has been, even though Kim can’t tell last Tuesday from 2013, so are we talking 3-years in Kim-time or in real time?
Lipsa reminds Kim that a few weeks ago super sober Kim was high as a kite at poker night and admitted to popping a pain pill. Which was so not Kim’s fault – she had to go to the hospital for psoriasis-orthodontia-hemophiliac-herniatic-cold sore-Achilles’ heels for 5, no 12, no 14 days… So what if pain pills are Kim’s Achilles heels she has still been a sober superstar for three years by her watch. So Lisa better shut UP.
Also, this is Kyle’s fault for not being as rich as Kathy, who just gives Kim money to go away and train CIA attack dogs in the basement of a mansion she stole from Paris while Paris was off making sex tapes and platinum albums in Japanese.
In brief, Kim turned into Brandi. Kyle grabbed for her Chanel taser – specially made for moments such as this, but realized her cape had no pockets! She was doomed. She hid under the table, positioning her Chanel wine glass-proof shield over her hair.
KimKillah went for blood; she got venomous in a hot minute, growling at Lipsa to stop talking about her sobriety. Sadly, Kim being Rambles, her onslaught went on and on because she didn’t know when to stop – now she’s addicted to being a raging bitch apparently. Kim hit lower and lower turning her wrath on Eileen, Kyle, then back to Lipsa who tried to defend Kyle, then finally to Harry Hamlin.
Kim “Kingsley” Richards is the Queen of Deflection 1981, 1982, 1983… there was a brief spurt about 2011 when Kyle held the title, but Kim reclaimed the crown in 2012 and has held it ever since There is a pageant for this – it takes place in the basement of Neimans.
If Lipsa wasn’t going around to everyone in BH spreading rumors about Kim’s super sober life, Kim wouldn’t be so highly incensed. In response Kim accuses Harry of a deed so nefarious it shall not be named. “I’m concerned about YOU – and your situation at home,” warns Kim, to a confused Lisa.
Eileen intervenes, so KimKillah shoves a vulcan finger in her face and snarls, “Shut your f–king mouth! I’ve had enough of you, you beast!” Eileen, (this is literally the moment when I fangirled Eileen so hard she needs a restraining order) in complete composure, after decades of impeccable training on soap operas, responded coolly and icily, “Beast?! How dare you…” She deserves another Emmy.
But KimKillah was not done, she tells Eileen all the reason she is a terrible person: Eileen is ugly. She has ugly hair and an ugly face. And Kim don’t like meddlers. If Eileen is ugly than I am a toadstool as viewed by Kyle after 10 SECRET bites of “space cake.”
What is wrong with you!?” Kyle cries. “You want me to defend you when you act like this!” Kim accuses Kyle of not
enabling defending her, like Kathy does. “Kathy would have my back like a real sister,” accuses Kim, making Kyle cry.
Lipsa tells Kim that it’s not OK for her to talk to Kyle (or anyone) like that. “Why don’t you have a piece of bread and maybe you’ll calm down a little,” condescends Kim, who starts making accusations against Harry. “Let’s not talk about what you don’t want out,” she hisses.
Lisa loses it. She slaps at Kim across the table the way one would redirect a smart mouthed child if this was 1963 and your name was Betty Draper. Lipsa flings her wine glass down breaking it into a million pieces. Yolanda and Kyle try to restrain her.
“What the f–k did Harry do?!” Lips wants to know. Don’t we all. My guess: he turned Rambles down for a romp in 1985 – or at least Kim thinks it was Harry – it may have been Rick James in disguise. She ended up in a sequin factory singing a gospel rendition of “Cocaine” while wearing a hot pink afro wig. Anyway, Harry is a bad, bad man… and Lipsa ought to focus on her own family; her own bad, bad family, doing such bad things, if she wants to destroy a family, Kim will destroy a family too.
Here’s the thing KIM RICHARDS if you don’t want your sobriety to be storyline on RHOBH, don’t make it your storyline on RHOBH. It’s no one’s fault but your own that you popped a pain pill on television and acted like an ass in front of women you don’t know, who are now concerned. It’s not Kyle’s responsibility to constantly keep you on a Chanel leash and trot you around town, making sure you’re obedient, then feeding you the finest kibble.
After the showdown, Kyle turns and flees the restaurant in a flood of tears, her hair-cape flying behind her for dramatic effect. She will so not be left-out of this attention-grab. Lipsa flees too, Yolanda comforts her, while Eileen tackles Kyle. Lisa, is temporarily trapped with Kim and Brandi, who act as if nothing happened. Brandi literally stands around bored, complaining that glass got in her hair. Lisa warns Kim that she was completely out of line, then she trades with Yolanda to manage Kyle.
Yolanda somehow ends up with Team Loser. I presume they will not be getting special place cards or t-shirts made? Yo tries to counsel them on effective communication skills – among the many things wasted that night, Yo’s words were included.
“This is is not the way to communicate,” Yolanda lectures Kim, as if it’s the right moment for advice on girlfriend issues. I mean surely it is not, as they weren’t at Starbucks!
The scariest part was that Kim didn’t even seem upset. She just yelled at for Kyle running off to her new friends, then calmly told Yolanda how “a few years ago” her children were seriously affected by her drinking so she won’t have rumors emerging that could damage her family or make them upset again. However, the rumors were spread by Kim herself through her embarrassing behavior! Kim protests too damn much for someone who is sober.
You know things are bad when Brandi is the calmest person in the bunch!
Hovering on a street-corner, all the ladies are in hysterics. Kyle sobs that she cannot keep covering for Kim. “Get it together,” counsels LVP, being so terribly British.
In the hotel Lipsa and Eileen discuss going home, but Kyle stops them. Kim will not ruin this trip or Kyle’s reality TV career the way she ruins everything else! “We can’t let her win!” Kyle says, rallying the troops with wine, before dissolving into the finest tears Botox can muster.
The ladies gently tell Kyle that Kim is abusive, and that their relationship is toxic. “It’s hard to watch the way she treats you,” Eileen says. “It’s fine to say it’s none of our business, but when you see it, it becomes your business. It’s weird to just pretend you’re not seeing it and you don’t have an opinion about it.” Kyle admits that Kim tells her one thing in private, then changes her story in front of others – like Brandi.
Lisa, Lisa, and Eileen marvel that Brandi and Kim, two severely damaged and mean people have found each to enable their meanness. The mean leading the mean!
The next morning, before she’s even had her coffee, Lipsa is confronted with evil Rambles, the disoriented BUT SOBER, ghost of Kim Richards’s sobriety. Kim doesn’t apologize, not at all, instead she blames Lisa for pushing her too far by meddling, making accusations, and not staying out of her business.
Lisa recognizes she won’t win, but if she wants to come out alive, she should keep it civil, smile and nod, and keep her distance. So she agrees to be civil then rushes downstairs to meet the ladies for a bike ride around Amsterdam where Yolanda meets a windmill operator she once kissed and is confronted with the realities of what life would be if there were no “My Love.”
They visit with Yo’s charming and sweet mommy and brother, then make plans to visit a marijuana cafe, escorted by Yo’s brother Leo. Since apparently these girls couldn’t get Xanax through customs, hopefully a little pot will mellow them out!
That night Kim chooses not to join them at the pot cafe – naturally – and no one is too sad about that. Lisa fully intends to partake in “space cake,” but Kyle giggles and pretends to be the innocent good girl who has never touched “the hard stuff.” The ladies all swear they won’t try it, because of their children.
Brandi calls Kyle out, announcing the last time SHE smoked pot was with Kyle. Kyle gets defensive because Brandi is making her look like a bad mother. When the space cake arrives Lisa classily and elegantly peer pressures them all into trying bites, then shoves an extra bite into Kyle’s mouth for good measure!
Amazingly, Brandi is the only person alive who gets confrontational and aggressive from weed. Maybe the skinny bitch didn’t eat enough pot cake? She unloads on Kyle outside the cafe because Kyle is a hypocrite for trying to make Brandi look like a terrible parent when she’s just as bad. Brandi is sick of the double-standards of being called out constantly, while the other girls backstab, get drunk, and cause fights too.
Yolanda is forced to diffuse things yet again – just when things were starting to be fun. Sadly, next week things are just as crazy.
TELL US – WAS KIM OUT OF LINE WITH LISA RINNA OR DID LISA RINNA OVER-REACT?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]