rhoa reunion nene is not impressed

This is the story all about how, Real Housewives Of Atlanta got turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute – just sit right there – to tell you how I became the princess of an African who isn’t really there.

In Hotlanta born and raised, married to money, living in debt was where I spent most of my days. Fillin’ out maxin out AmEx all cool and starting gossip outside The Bailey School. When  a couple of unmarrieds who were up to no good started making trouble in my Housewives hood. I got in one little affair with an African, the bitches got loud and said I’m stealing your crown. 

I yelled and threatened day after day, to drag her MISS- WHO-S-A title down in shame. So I packed my Firkin and sent us all on plane. Buzzin’ on moscato and throwing’ out shade, I snapped a pic on my iPhone, and said, “I might as well tweet it, but the friendships still fake.’ 

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First season, yo – might spread rumors you’re a whore though. Is this what the real rich Housewives living like? Hmmmmm this might keep my weave on tight. 

kenya and nene argue

But wait, I hear them rich bitches cash checks all fat. Is this the type of place they social media that? I don’t think so I’ll see when I get there. I hope they’re prepared for the princess of THOTaire. 

Well the reunion started and NeNe Leakes came out. A Housewife who looked like a dude started to shout. She ain’t trying to get her lips wet, she just got here and the shade got real, quick like lightening, wounds won’t heal. 

Cynthia begged for a storyline which was stale, because one again the African Prince was never revealed. If anything you could say this wasn’t real, but we thought, Nah, forget it – Yo husband steals! 

So we pulled up to hour 7 or 8, and yelled to Kenya your booty’s fake. NeNe looked at her kingdom, sittin’ on her throne, but she’s still the wicked stepmother who hasn’t grown.

Well the RHOA reunion part 2 happened. Let’s do a quick rundown shall we, because we already covered all of this on LAST SEASON’s reunion. NeNe will not be donating to Detroit Public Schools because despite purchasing a $2.5 million dollar mansion she is a very poor bitch who has no jobs and Kenya is a very pathetic bitch who must publicly broadcast her charitable donations – even if the check bounced or was written by Donald Trump

NeNe is wrong and needs to remember: THIS IS FOR THE KIDS. It’s not about social media, not about smiting Kenya. Clip some coupons to save that $20k girl, then right the check. Hell, ask Donald for a Trump Check if you ain’t got it! 

rhoa-recap-cynthia

I don’t understand Cynthia’s problem with Phaedra Parks. Anybody? Cynthia has not ‘found her voice’ , she’s speaking Kenya Moore and Claudia Jordan‘s voices. NeNe says Cynthia has always been shady and gossipy, she just hid it better. Cynthia claims she never had malicious intent when she accused Phaedra of having an affair. She wasn’t trying to cause trouble even though she dropped a turd of a low-down piece of gossip on Phaedra’s plate the day afer Apollo got locked up, based on a desperation reeking so thick it smelt like burnt hair – the really cheap hair that sells for $3.99 a bunch. Basically, Cynthia’s mind is as deranged as her wig. 

Seriously – Cynthia’s wig looks like a Flowbie demonstration from a hair show! I don’t know why she is checking for Phaedra like her life depends upon it, except that her paychecks depend upon it. And although she got in some good digs, it was hard to take her seriously because it’s just so transparent, plus her wig is sitting atop her head like a Chia Pet. She told Phaedra to “win a case” and Phaedra retorted that Cynthia ought to hope to win one of the 24 cases pending against herself and Peter related to BarNone, then get back to selling pipe dreams to little girls she’s defrauding on the internet via the Bailey Agency. Really, Phaedra should have said ‘I DID win a case – for Derek J. Now lemme sue whoever put that wig on your head. 

Cynthia told Phaedra to get a storyline, besides Apollo, who is gone. Which makes NO SENSE because A) Apollo is Phaedra’s husband and duh – if he should be ANYONE’s storyline on RHOA it should be hers, but B) Apollo is everyone ON THIS SHOW’s storyline and now he’s gone so what will any of them do?! In fact we ought to rename this show Real Housewives Of Apollo Nation. Or Real HouseLies From Apollo’s Mouth. Then Cynthia calls Phaedra a head doctor even though she hates it when people are accused of being whores. Which is why she accused Phaedra of cheating. And vindication is Kenya’s! She and Clawdia nodded approvingly and smirked. 

rhoa-recap-phaedra

Phaedra and Kandi Burruss discuss their friendship falling apart and the whole thing just made me sad. It seems like a big misunderstanding over misinterpretations, really overwhelming situations, and people so focused on their own issues they weren’t able recognize anyone else’s. I think Phaedra wanted a ladysitter to hold her hand, prop her up, and be on-call at all hours. Phaedra felt emotionally that Kandi wasn’t available, and just wanted to know she could be if need be. 

Kandi cries about how during that time she had marital issues, her play was canceled, and a close family member went off to prison, so she wasn’t able to be there for Phaedra as often. And Phaedra was texting the wrong number? Kandi says she always defended Phaedra.

Phaedra seems really angry over that ill-fated dinner where Cynthia accused her of cheating with Mr. Chocolate, and Phaedra’s anger seems directed at Kandi, who invited her to the dinner. It seems like Pheadra felt set-up? Apollo showed Kandi the Mysterious Mr. Chocolate of Choclica texts, she didn’t believe him and also didn’t care if Phaedra cheated, but Kandi told Phaedra anyway about the text messages. 

Both Kandi and Phaedra look like they just want to hug each other, but don’t. Instead,  Kandi cries, and Phaedra’s stiff upper lip weakens. She explains she had a breakdown during that dinner and she simply snapped. And Kandi turned to the chicken wings, but not to Phaedra. Meanwhile, like a good neighbor NeNe Leakes was there. 

rhoa-recap-kandi

Phaedra apologizes for the series of misunderstandings and says she loves Kandi but Kandi just sniffles and sort of makes these weird expressions. I really don’t know – there was so much unsaid, cut-out, scrambled. Just stop letting RHOA come between you. You could read it in the air that Kenya was just waiting to swoop in and re-appropriate Kandi onto “Team Pretty” where they will make an exception for Kandi not being a pageant girl in exchange for her having serious dirt on Shady Phae-Phae. At the end of the day… Everybody knows… Phaedra and Kandi need to make-up.

Then the husbands come out. Peachter is garrulous and rude, denying being involved in women’s business. How about keep a business open and stop fumbling for rotten peaches? 

Of course, because this is RHOA we must discuss texts, Apollo Nida, texts Apollo Nida may or may not have lied about, whores, Kenya Moore being the ultimate martyr for all whores, wrongly accused of whoreishness at the hands of harridans like Phaedra Parks, and fake body parts.  Wash, rinse repeat 24″ of real hair – different season of RHOA, same storyline from Kenya!

rhoa-reunion-peter

I really do not even know what to say about BEATING. THIS. DEAD. DONKEY/STALLION TO DEATH. Except: SHUT. UP. KENYA. Kenya is so desperate to constantly portray herself as victim she can’t recognize reality. Which is why she is on this show, clearly. 

When it comes to Apollo telling text-message affair lies, it’s all true when it’s Phaedra being accused, but all lies when it’s Kenya being accused. Kenya pontificates her justification for believing Apollo about Mr. Chocolate, while insisting that he lied about her. Basically she just wants to have something to lord over Phaedra. Kenya bellows that Phaedra should stop lying about how she believed Apollo’s accusations that Kenya was flirting with him. Oh the irony of Kenya being mad about people lying – I mean those in glass sitcom wedding dresses, shouldn’t throw knives at fake finances, right. Where is Life Twirls On?! 

All of Kenya’s behavior is justified because Phaedra made Kenya look bad. Apparently if Phaedra is allowed to believe her husband’s stories, Kenya is allowed to believe Phaedra’s husband’s stories. Kenya does realize she is not married to Apollo, even though I am certain, at this point, Phaedra would gladly hand him over. Then Kenya accuses Phaedra of lying about how upset and stressed she was about Apollo because she had time to get a boob job. Phaedra denies it. I must have been so blinded by Porsha’s fake boobs, I didn’t see Phaedra’s. They look the same (am I blind?). 

Finally Phaedra reminds Kenya it was HER OWN ACTIONS (i.e flirting shamelessly, texting Apollo, being inappropriate) that made it believable in the first place. DUH. Kenya decides it’s time to call NeNe out for flirting with Peter. Because logic. It’s totally the same thing – because If Cynthia is fine with NeNe flirting with Peter, then Phaedra must be fine with Kenya flirting with Apollo. They’re both married and all marriages are the same – duh! After all Peter and Apollo are both conmen crooks who lie on their wives. 

Of course NeNe flips out and starts ranting about how Kenya is not going to disrespect her marriage and her husband because she is “not PHAEDRA!” Yeah – good friend, Neens. 

Gregg mildly inspects his nails while NeNe inches closer to the edge of her seat. Just when i thought Kenya was going to get dragged at another reunion, Gregg pulled NeNe back, proudly proclaimed his wife would not flirt, so then Kenya insulted Gregg by telling him sarcastically he didn’t win a prize in marrying NeNe. 

rhoa-recap-nene-gregg

And there ya go people – this is Kenya’s schtick. She goes for the lowest blows, every single time, then she cries and wails about how everyone on RHOA is mean to her yet she refuses to be accountable for why that may be. When Andy asks her if she takes any responsibility for the issues with Phaedra, she responds that she apologized, but Apollo threw her in the pool. WRONG. Delusion twirls on. 

TELL US – WILL RHOA EVER GET NEW STORYLINES? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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