Last night on the finale of a very convoluted season of Real Housewives Of Orange County, Jesus made an appearance. Seriously – Jesus should sue this show for defamation and slander.
Tamra Judge claims she’s found Jesus after a tumultuous and painful year, so she wants to share her spiritual emergence to prove she’s changed. She may have swapped a black lace catsuit for a white bandage dress, but something tells me underneath it all she’s still the same old Tamra. And no amount of dunking herself in a pool surrounded by sycophants with television aspirations (and fear of their own murky lives floating to the top) is going to wash away her Tamra-ness. Possibly I’m just a cynic for satan?
Vicki Gunvalson may have a very dubious relationship with the truth, but she’s certainly believable in one regard: Satan IS confusing! And he was doing some of his best work last night – because the Devil is in the details where Brooks Ayers’s cancerous-ness is concerned.
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What was the Devil’s name again … Was it Tamra? Kidding! TOTALLY KIDDING! Because Tamra washed that devil right out of her hair, let him swish right into the pool filter in a toxic combination of chlorine and wine.
Pre-pool dunking Tamra made a speech and unveiled her new Housewives tagline, “What was once my mess is now my message.” That sounds dangerous – like a convenient excuse for wreaking more havoc than ever! Tamra and Meghan King Edmonds can start a Housewives Justice League. They’re exposing your past in the name of Jesus! and Justice!
Then, wearing a Forever XXI prom dress but unfortunately leaving her waterproof makeup at home, Tamra stripped off her heels for Jesus, dove into the pool at the Holiday Inn during Happy Hour, and was de-sinned. She leapt out of the water, reborn, shouting Amen! Nu-Tamra was confronted by a sea of angelic Housewives, all dressed in white, their wings hidden protectively by the open bar; their halos in their Chanel purses – Heather Dubrow has taken to calling hers “The Holy Grail.”
Nu-Tamra decided she was now forgiven for ALLL her sins since her baptism was officiated by a “pasture” in swim shorts. They weren’t even white swim shorts – I think they had hibiscus flowers on them. Well, you know, judge not lest ye be a reality TV recap-ure, right?! But surely this cocktail hour baptism must be proof of Satan’s love for confusion, right? That and the fact that Meghan was wearing some sort of skirt/crop top outfit comprised of mismatched whites. (Apparently Meghan has never seen Serial Mom – although her behavior often borders on a plot for the sequel, Serial Stepmom).
Post-baptism, Tamra believes her life is really going to change. Uh-Huh.
Shannon Beador, despite her detoxifying colonic, has anxiety over seeing Vicki, because Vicki called her “nasty” and “disgusting”. Shannon also resents being told she’s a bad friend – she has BEEN THERE for Vicki. BEEN THERE! And she knows loyalty – after all David just got done feeling up her rectum for a broken colonic. Naturally the Beador version of anal is just as dysfunctional as every other part of their marriage.
Vicki, to her credit, is only at the baptism
to fulfill Bravo’s contractual obligation for Tamra, and plans to avoid drama. And avoid she does by literally bringing ammunition in the form of her brother Billy and Ronda. GRRRRRONDA, the defensive linewoman who plays by her own rules – even blatantly violating dress code with a BLACK cardigan.
After the baptism Vicki tells Tamra she loves her, then instructs her to go get cute and party. After Tamra found Jesus in the bottom of a pool it’s time to find him in the bottom of a wine bottle. Can I get an “Amen!” for partying with the Pasture?!
Tamra spends approximately 16 hours re-doing her hair and makeup, during which time she prayed fervently that no drama takes place
before she gets there.
Meanwhile, the women are circling like sharks. And circulating a new bit of info about Brooks and the never-ending cancer speculation. Because, even on a day dedicated to Jesus, it’s ALL ABOUT BROOKS! (RHOBC – Real Housewives Of Brooks Cancer). Upstaging Jesus is one helluva a grift (Satan loves confusion!). Luckily for Satan, Meghany Drew Of The Doc McMeghan Fisher Price Medical Academy, specializing in Headband Psychology, is on the case to clear that confusion right up. A-MEN!
What did these ladies talk about BC – Before Brooks’ Cancer?
First from Meghan, Brooks is claiming cancer so he doesn’t have to pay child support for his 4 kids because if you are disabled you don’t have to pay support (first of all, not true Ms. Truth and Justice Of Goggle). (editor’s note: there are two different types of disability, SSI and SSDI, and with SSI you do not have to pay child support)
Then Heather discloses this story Vicki separately told Shannon, then Briana concerning Brooks having a chemo reaction in the middle of the night and was so severe they called Terry – a plastic surgeon – who sent one of his colleagues over to Vicki’s to give Brooks an IV. Apparently Shannon believed this tale, (wasn’t Shannon bragging about her medical expertise last week). This never happened, as confirmed by Terry.
Has anyone ever heard this story before? Did this just get pulled out Shannon’s butt with the rest of the colonic extract?! Extremely bizarre. Again, Satan loves confusion.
Vicki, sensing that she will soon become the target of an exorcism (cancer-cism) about what she knows of Brooks‘ lies, prepares to flee. Satan is nipping at her the soles of her Louboutins! Vicki just wants to give Tamra her present, then she is out – on to another party to meet Brooks. Who is watching a “fight” – ironically so is everyone at Tamra’s baptism!
Billy, Vicki’s brother, locates Tamra at the bar to defend Vicki. And reminds Tamra that Brooks’ cancer is real – Bill has seen a different scan. Tamra, all angelic-like, announces she’s not judging people today. Call her tomorrow! (or any day after that. Or find her on twitter, instagram, Facebook, email, or any other medium – except for the 3 times per week she does church after her CUT Fitness pole dancing class).
Vicki cowers in the corner hiding from Satan and praying for the souls of her very confused fellow-Housewives. Especially Shannon. Shannon, who is overcome by some sort of religious fervor to defend herself against the liars and the false prophets, finds herself in a conversation with Billy and Ronda (hopped up on vodka and RedBull, which is a pretty good match for Shannon’s Vodka and Limes).
Billy just wants Shannon to be a good friend, Shannon insists she’s been the bestest friend Vicki ever had, tirelessly supported her, but now she’s been duped. Then Ronda, with a one-two wallop (cause RedBull gives you wings, but not of the angelic variety) tells Shannon, “Vicki hasn’t asked you for proof of David’s affair!” Boom! Low-blow, absolutely. Uncalled for, certainly. Hilarious – oh yes! Shannon demands Ronda and Bill leave, because it’s Shannon’s world and we’re all just living in it.
Shannon, sniveling in David’s shoulder over that “Ronda bitch,” believes Vicki put Ronda up to saying that. And Shannon is gobsmacked that her PRIVATE INFORMATION has been leaked.
The ladies of RHOC have as dubious a definition of private as they do Jesus. Everyone is appalled that Vicki has been spreading the story of David’s affair far and wide because THAT is a betrayal, and according to Heather you can’t discuss someone’s private information without their permission. So let me get this straight – Private Information is something you share publicly on a reality show, in media outlets, and tell everyone you know; yet someone’s medical records, relationship history, and financial matters which they’ve asked that you NOT discuss is NOT private information. Devil is in the details.
Shannon claims Vicki betrayed her trust because at this point she had no idea Shannon informed Heather and Tamra about David’s affair. Therefore it was a secret. Uh-huh.
While Shannon is combating Ronda The Fire Mouth, Heather has Vicki cornered and is asking for clarification on Terry’s midnight savior story. Vicki’s mouth claims she never told anyone this. Perhaps she was out of town when Brooks told her it took place? Vicki keeps repeating that she wants to leave. Heather poignantly asks, “Why are you always running away?” Why indeed?
Heather is confused by all things Vicki at this point. Can her Chanel Holy Grail bag provide guidance? I’m confused too.
One thing the Devil has let out of the bag: Vicki is either hiding something. Or she’s aware that Brooks is hiding something. (Note – I do not for one second believe Vicki knew all along Brooks was faking cancer and conspired with him to orchestrate some scam. I do think she is brainwashed by his affirmations filling her love tank and has lost all ability to reason.).
Shannon, on a rampage, confronts Vicki, grabs her arm (truthfully someone does need to shake some sanity into Vicki, but I’m not sure Shannon is qualified), and sarcastically thanks her for being a great friend. Something about Shannon’s sudden outrage and fury doesn’t ring true. It seems forced or majorly influenced. And dumb. Later Ronda apologizes for the comment but Vicki thinks its fine because Shannon “got what she deserved.”
Meghan believes Vicki is using Shannon’s marriage as deflection from the truth about Brooks. Interesting – because I believe Meghan is using Brooks’s cancer to deflect from the truth about her marriage! I’d like Heather to ask Jimmy Dad Jeans where he’s always going? Why is he always running away? Doesn’t he like “Truth!” or “Justice!”?
Vicki flees, and the pasture, proving himself a pasture quite worth of Tamra’s devotion encourages Tamra to stop her so Vicki and Shannon can “work it out.” With Pastor Mike and Tamra demanding Vicki get back into the path of
Bravo the righteous, Vicki snaps. She explodes into a tangent about how none of her “friends” have supported her through the hardest year of her life. Apparently everyone has forgotten that Vicki’s mom died a few months ago and she’s still grieving. OK – good point.
Vicki wants to leave this party and go to Heaven, where people will respect her. “I know Jesus, and I know the truth, and I’m good with it,” sobs Vicki. “These women don’t deserve me. These women keep pushing me instead of hugging me.” Then Vicki compares her trials as a Housewife to being nailed to the cross like Jesus, who was also innocent.
Vicki comparing herself to Jesus = I’m in hell and Satan has confused me. And her.
Pasture Mike must agree. He runs with a bible covering his face.
Shannon, realizing she has more to say to Vicki, follows the scent of duplicity – one she’s smelled often on David – to lambaste Vicki over releasing her “private information.” First, telling your BROTHER (off-camera), isn’t exactly gossiping to the masses. The odds of Billy repeating it in ordinary circumstances seem slim to none. Second, as Vicki duly reminds Shannon, SHE was there for her when all the other women called her crazy, unhinged, deranged and didn’t want to be around her. Hello – they were ejecting her from their homes, parties, and charity events but Vicki always welcomed Shannon onto her fun bus. Shannon chalks this up to being the victim of Vicki and Brooks’s long-con.
Vicki is eternally waiting for her limo to take her away, and it finally arrives.
Heather, halfheartedly begs Vicki to stay, but Vicki disappears into the limo, but Tamra crawls in after her to confront Vicki about the PET-CT scan and the other Brooks discrepancies. The other women (apostles of Tamra?) linger outside.
In response to Tamra’s questions, Vicki has no answers – she doesn’t know, wasn’t there… She’s playing the ultimate game of “Plead The Fifth”. She gestures to the other ladies and says “that’s the devil.” Are we sure the devil isn’t inside Vicki’s gated community mansion right now, off-gassing a musty smell, and putting his feet on the sofa while secretly eating subs on white bread, chips, and whiskey?
When Tamra brings up the information from Briana about Brooks’s alleged pancreatic cancer, Vicki snaps that Briana is a “shit stirrer.” SIGH. Seriously what is Brooks putting in that love tank that Vicki is now stooping to such lows? Can Terry’s doctor friend administer an emergency IV to save her from herself?
And there you have it – no answers from La Gunvalson, Patron Saint Of Phonies, who drives off in a limo to nowhere. She doesn’t need friends – she has Jesus. The other ladies huddle around and decide it’s time to party. Tamra takes a bite out of the chocolate halo that was on her cake. Is a halo like a belt to Tamra, and this latest drama coup put a notch in her halo?
Meghan also doesn’t need friends because she lives the truth. Always. Therefore I predict her return next season with these words coming back to haunt her in a very big way. Foreshadowing!
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE SEASON FINALE? WAS TAMRA’S BAPTISM SINCERE? DOES VICKI KNOW BROOKS IS LYING? WHO’S THE WORSE FRIEND: SHANNON OR VICKI?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]