Yolanda on RHOBH

Look – I’m just gonna say it, because it has to be said: Yolanda Foster should not be part of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills this season. If Yolanda is too ill to fully participate, she should have taken a leave of absence to selfie from the comfort of her bed.

It’s not that I believe illness or family tragedy have no place on a mostly fluffy reality show. I fully agree the storylines should be real and provide an honest-ish glimpse into these women’s lives. But Lyme Disease has infected everything! Plus Yolanda is not giving us realness (about her own life or, apparently, allegedly, her children’s?), nor is she giving us the aspirational living required from the WEALTHIEST Housewives zipcode. Instead she’s giving us… well I don’t know if it’s Chronic Lyme, misdiagnosed menopause, Munchausen by Wikipedia, denial over an ailing marriage, or silicone poisoning?

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I don’t know what is wrong with Yolanda, and I don’t actually care to speculate, but I don’t need to be a doctor to see she’s obviously in no condition to film a reality show centered around gaudy, wealthy women being catty over etiquette, social-status, age of husband, sexiness of career, and clothes. Yolanda’s presence has become a dark cloud of delusion, just lingering over the group, filled with unknown elements about to dump on their heads. It ain’t H2o, but it might be found in Yo’s monolithic medicine closet as guarded by Daisy. If Yolanda is too ill to put on makeup and exchange witty bon-mots over cocktails in luxury locales – STAY HOME and get well instead of creating an awkward pallor at every affair. 

I fully support Yolanda recovering. I fully support this because Yolanda was AWESOME and I want to see Yolanda be this awesome again! I live for Yo of the Lemon Grove, hovering ever-so-slightly above the overly-shellacked tawdriness; her impeccably purified hubris glazing over the surface of inappropriate behavior. I LIVE for the Yolanda who dotes over David’s Grammy collection and casually throws dinner parties for A-listers while wearing tailored jeans. And I loved the Yolanda who could get a little crunk, while still maintaining her immaculately manicured condescension. 

Truly, if I came to work in my pajamas (like if I had a real job not one where I worked from home), stumbling around telling illogical stories about Lyme-carrying flies and macrobiotic colon cleanses that evaporate silicone, my boss would tell me to take some time OFF. And Yolanda doesn’t even need this job! 

Kyle Richards does not appreciate

Last night Yolanda wandered into Kyle Richards dinner party looking like she got confused on her way to film a zombie scene for the Walking Dead. I understand she just had surgery, but that is what FMLA leave is for! Stay home. Do not stroll into a professionally catered “BBQ,” pretending that after 20+ years of trophy wife status you had no clue how women in Beverly Hills dress for dinner parties. Don’t play with the amateur act! Do not amble in looking like you’re headed to greasy diner brunch after a night of partying on frat row. Put on some damn pants – leggings are not pants even casually – and have Daisy, the health advocate, slap some under-eye concealer and mascara on you. They make organic, toxin-free makeup. I know. I own it. I bought it at Sephora for a reasonable price.

Likewise do not lecture a legion of over-processesd monied women, a group you were all too happy to be included into 16 seconds prior, about how their implants, botox, and hair dye will leak silicone into their brains thus killing them. And definitely do not pretend you don’t know that eco-nail polish exists! Do not spend the entire 15 minutes you attend the party pretending you are doing the hostess a favor by being there, then insulting every nuance of these guest’s lives while resenting them for having questions about why you are totally fine on Erika Girardi‘s private jet, with the personalized gourmet chocolate boxes, but can’t be bothered to lose the Sweating To The Oldies (in the privacy of my own home) ponytail. Next Yolanda is gonna wear a scrunchie and then I will have to sue Bravo for emotional distress. 

In the real world friends would relish an ill friend’s inclusion, no matter how minimal, however, these women are not Yolanda’s friends – they are her co-workers. They are required to pick up the slack when she doesn’t put in effort – like calling her makeup artist over to dab on some eyeshadow. It’s probably because Yolanda doesn’t feel well, she doesn’t care. Nor does she feel like expending her little energy on going to dinner parties with fake bitches scrutinizing her every pore then recounting it to the viewing public. So why is she on this show?

In summary of this rant (in case you were wise enough to avoid reading it): I feel terrible for Yolanda, but if she is truly committed to getting well it’s time for her health journey to take her off Bravo until she’s recuperated. 

Lisa V at a sex shop

Moving on! Ken hauls Lisa Vanderpump into a sex shop, but it’s not for the reasons you might expect! Ken leased the space with dreams of transforming it into a British pub. After the relief that Ken wasn’t trying to be 70 and spicy in the bedroom, Lisa toys with vibrating ducks (for the swans?) and shields Giggy’s tender eyes from dildos, before announcing she would prefer not to open another restaurant. Ken has dreams of it becoming Max’s business in 10 years, Lisa will always be haunted by the vision of sex swings when she walks through the door. 

Kathryn Edwards has an axe to grind with Faye Resnick, that morally corrupt human she has never met who unfortunately encroached upon Kathryn’s past life by dragging her name into a salacious book written without fact checking. Today Kathryn is married to Donnie, a former NFL player 9-years her junior, who likes blue eyes, making responsible financial decisions, and offering sensible ultimatums (diamonds or kitchen renos?). Together they enjoy first-class world travel. Kathryn also enjoys calling people out from her stance as a man trapped in a woman’s body with midwestern roots that give her substance. Plus they drive a killer vintage Mercedes. Kathryn isn’t giving me Aviva Descher so much as Faye Dunaway (sorry for the unfortunately ironic name similarity).

Kathryn Edwards and Lisa Rinna

Kathryn grabs breakfast with Lisa Rinna to talk lip implants (Lyme-causing POISON), and life. Kathryn and Donnie tried to have children, but couldn’t, considered adopting but decided dealing with other people’s kids was enough. 

Eileen Davidson and her family are traveling to Italy to scatter her sister’s ashes. Eileen’s sister Connie never told anyone – including her daughter – she had terminal cancer, then suddenly died. Eileen feels guilty because she didn’t get her sister the care she needed. She decides to honor Connie posthumously by scattering her ashes in Italy, Connie’s favorite place. 

Packing for 7 people – 4 of them imbecile men – is a challenge and Eileen’s nerves are fried. Eileen was giving me some serious mommy-realness that I love. In Italy, Eileen wearing the cutest romper, cries as she scatters Connie’s ashes over the balcony. It was emotional and heartfelt. Vince was not as supportive as I would have expected. Something’s off about those two…

Eileen scatters her sister's ashes in Italy

Across town Kyle’s scheming is messy. She’s throwing a ‘casual BBQ,’ where she will allow worlds to organically collide by inviting both Faye (who, like a drunken hookup, never stops haunting you), and Kathryn. Kyle meets Faye at a furniture store to discuss her closet reno. The theme will merge LVP, Paris Hilton, and a Pier One Imports clearance outlet. 

Near a lucite coffee table – a glutton for sticky fingerprints – Kyle and Faye dish on Kathryn. Kyle informs Faye that Kathryn’s coming – and coming for her. Faye balks – she’s “not ready” to discuss the painful past. Uh…  apparently Faye has amnesia about the times she was more than happy to get paid to WRITE two books about it! Oh and flash her Hooha to bring awareness to domestic violence. Uh Huh. Not ready to be called out, more likely. Unfortunately Kyle just gave Faye ample time to prepare her defense!

Faye and Kyle

On BBQ day Kyle matched her chairs with her kaftan (and nail polish). Kaftans go with everything, for any occasion, and konceal klumpy scheming. 

At Villa Rosa, after stepping over swan shit Kathryn is greeted by Lisa grilling her about her age, her marital status, and if she’s prepared to sacrifice the color pink. Kathryn replies that black don’t crack and pink is for girls. 

Lisa decides they’re BFF. 

Erika arrives in jeans and is shocked to find Kyle in a “kaftan” – someone reads Reality Tea!  #KaftanKyleJustKantKwit! I also believe Erika wore hot pink shoes on purpose. Erika is confused by this here BBQ: Where, pray tell, is the casualness, or the ribs? Instead it’s tuna tarte-tarte and tequila shots. Plus Faye wearing a really ill-advised belt. Class meets Crass. 

Neither Kathryn nor Lisa are thrilled to see Faye. Kathryn bold-face shades her by saying hello to Erika while ignoring Kyle’s clumsy attempt at an introduction. When Lipsa spots Yolanda, in her gym attire, she is awkward as hell cause like oops the Munchausen was let out of the bag! 

Yolanda puts in an appearance at Kyle's BBQ

LVP still has a bone to pick with Faye over that time she was accused of being a chess player using Brandi to do her dirty work. Lisa and Lipsa scurry to the bar to talk shit about Faye, who just happens to wander by. Lipsa is all: “FAYE! FAYE! Over here! By the bar! I hear you and Vanderpump have beef? Awwwww… WHY?! Let’s discuss that!” Lisa has the lips that just won’t quit – and God love her. Lisa and Faye recognize the   ridiculousness of dragging a non-feud out over about 400 Botox treatments. It’s as yesterday’s news as Brandi. Faye sure is on an image rehab, isn’t she? She gently justifies her behavior – she’s a protective person, just like Lisa is. Lisa snarks that she protected the wrong person. Touche! They tepidly agree to put the issue behind them. 

Lisa gets revenge on Lipsa by dropping a slobbery dog tennis ball down her cleavage at the table. Check mate! 

Then Yolanda dips out and Kyle gathers everyone around the table, where Faye is just so conveniently seated across from Kathryn

At the end of the table, Lipsa admits she NEEDS to confess to Yolanda, while Erika’s watchful eyes slide back and forth. Erika has declared herself Yolanda’s protector. All the Munchausen talk turns into Kyle asking LVP if Bella and Anwar have Lyme. When Lisa is evasive, Kyle probes further by asking what Mohamed thinks. 

This is the apex of the episode. I have thoughts.

Kyle confronts LVP about Yolanda's children having Lyme

Kyle goaded Lisa into the conversation with her messy-ass, but Lisa stepped deep into the swan shit. LVP looked surprised by the question. Lisa has been pissing me off royally this season with her uppitiness, but that conversation seemed edited to the hilt to make it appear a certain way. There was a bizarre pause after Lisa said “No.” like something was spliced out or over-dubbed.

Lisa demands Kyle change the subject numerous times, yet Kyle keeps pressing until Lisa threatens to come over there – mom-style. Even then Kyle continues badgering until Lisa resorts to gritted teeth. This is a MESS. A stinking swan turd mess of Hanky’s vile indigestion. WHAT IN THE HOLY DICKINSON HELL IS HAPPENING HERE? AND WHY THE LYME MADNESS? 

Also – Kyle throws a hissy fit when people so much as mention Kim Richards, yet she’s demanding info from Lisa, that will have serious ramifications on her relationship with Mohamed? Hypocrite, much?

Erika abruptly changes the subject to Playboy. Cause if we’re being awkward as hell here! Which causally evokes the morally corruptness of Faye Resnick. Faye flees the table with Kyle chasing after to give a pep talk. A furious Kathryn promises to come at Faye over a subject she’s been stewing over for 20 years. Erika wonders if Kathryn ever read The Book? Kathryn admits she hasn’t, but knows the content of lies. 

Kathryn is unhappy with Faye

When Faye returns Kathryn confronts her, but Faye has no need to discuss the distant past, a different face ago. Kyle looks on with an ‘Oh NO! Why is this happening?!’ fake shocked face. Is it any wonder her acting career tanked? 

Kathryn tries again but her guns blazing confrontation is more like Oops – forgot to lock and load. “Does it make you feel better?” condescends Faye, as if it were Kathryn who wrote a book filled with amoral half-truths.

Faye refuses to discuss her book

Faye, rudely, stonewalled Kathryn, then fakely told her how pretty she looked. Kyle then gave a speech about what an amazing and dedicated friend Faye is. I was forced to emotionally eat brownies in response. Faye is the incarnate of evil. And Kyle, is her instrument of destruction. Satan is confusing! The End!

TELL US – WAS LISA V OUT OF LINE MENTIONING YOLANDA’S KIDS? IS KYLE TO BLAME? FAYE VS KATHRYN: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON? SHOULD YOLANDA TAKE TIME AWAY FROM THE SHOW?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

 

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